Losing interest or just a phase?

[JLW]

So here's the story guys.

I have a girlfriend. We've been dating for 1 year, 7 months. She is marriage material. Nice, respectful, honest, straight-forward, LOGICAL (very rare in women), VERY intelligent, and self-respecting.

She of course has her flaws like being a little bit of a know-it-all and a bit condescending, but I mean, with all the other attributes it sort of cancels itself out. After all, nobody's perfect, right?

So we've been dating for quite a while. We both go to college in San Francisco and then during the summer (a 3 month period) she goes to Seattle and I go to the East coast; a 3,000 mile gap between us for a semi-long period of time. We visit eachother for two weeks total; she visits me in june, i visit her late July, and then we are back together in August. So we aren't apart for more than a month at a time.

So now that you have some background info, here's the real meat of the story:

She's a bit prude. I mean I've fvcked her and everything, but every time I try to get her going on a fantasy of mine, she dismisses it or does not enjoy it. She cannot 0rgasm in any position except for missionary, and believe me, this takes a LONG time. As a result, our sex life has gone a little bit stale in my opinion. I addressed this with her but since I am not seeing her until July 25th theres not much that can be done at this point.

I like to be a little bit kinky in bed and she's a bit conservative in this regard. I try REALLY hard to unleash her inner slut but after this long I feel like I'm losing hope. Maybe it's my fault, maybe it's hers, who knows. But that's why I'm here; for your advice! Just for reference, we'll call this girl Anna.

Anna wants to have sex with ME, but I'm not that motivated to, because to be honest, the sex is average at best. Sometimes it's good, but it's very routine and a little bit boring.

So I'm taking a few summer courses this year to sort of get ahead in my college degree. I met this girl who we'll call Lara. She's very sexy and smart and interesting. She has many of the same attributes as my current girlfriend, and is easily just as attractive, if not more attractive, than my current girlfriend. She has taken an interest me and I have of course taken an interest in her.

Now, I'm not the type of guy who cheats. I have been cheated on (not by my current gf obviously), and despite what a lot of guys on this forum say, I still think that cheating is immoral and a bit immature. So I will probably not do anything with Lara. I'll still get Lara's number as a backup, but I will not hook up with her as long as I'm together with Anna, or any other girl.

Another thing worth mentioning is that Anna has gained 5 pounds since I met her. Now that doesn't seem like a big deal, but in addition to that, all of the toned beautiful muscles that were on her previously have sort of turned to less-than desirable fat deposits because she never works out much. She's still 5'8", 125 pounds, but all of the weight on her is fat, not muscle. I know that sounds ridiculous since she is so light for her height, but she definitely has gotten "bigger". She still is quite skinny and has a better body than most other girls but lets face it she could use some improvement.


So what I realized from Lara is that I still may be interested in other girls. As a result of Anna's distance, sexual problems, and losing her "edge" over other girls (physically) I feel like we have grown apart.

I may never really get with Lara. But the point is that I still might be interested in other girls. I don't just want to throw away what I have with Anna, but at the same time I don't want to waste my time or hers by continuing to go out with her when I may not even want to. Like I said, she is MARRIAGE MATERIAL here. I have dated numerous girls and I am very PICKY. By no means an AFC. But at the same time, with my realization that I've been having as a result of Lara, and my overall confusion on what I should do, I need some advice.

For what it's worth, I have dated many girls and I kept this girl (Anna) around for a long time because I really believe that she is a great girl.

So advice on what I should do is appreciated!

 

[Joe Stud]

You are young yet (college?), fwiw my opinion is to give lara a spin. also, have you tried getting some wine in anna & slowly teasing her orally to orgasm? If not do this a few times, maybe that will catapault you into (little by little) getting more & more kinky.

 

[TheBucketOfTruth]

You're in college. You're young. Enjoy your life. If your relationship isn't 101% perfect, then there's no reason to stay in it. The word "marriage" shouldn't even be in your vocabulary at your age.

You hit the nail on the head for why she looks so different even though she's only gained 5 pounds. Muscle weighs more than fat, so she's probably muscle while gaining fat, so the numbers flatter her. What you talk about is very common with long-term relationships. Both parties get comfortable with each other, so things start to slip. At least you weren't living together. She has you, so she doesn't feel the need to work as hard on her appearance for you, and she doesn't need to look good for other men because she's not single.

Honestly, I'm young and even if the perfect girl came along with the prospect of a perfect relationship, I'd have to think long and hard on whether I wanted to surrender myself to just one woman.

I'll end with this, how much have you talked to her about your issues so far?

 

[JLW]

I'll end with this, how much have you talked to her about your issues so far?

I have not mentioned the gaining weight part to her because honestly I don't know how to reason with her about that without really insulting her. Girls and their weight is a very touchy subject. She has mentioned that she has gained weight and is trying to lose it. Over the school year we are in a very very rigorous program and there really isn't too much time to work out. I'll occasionally squeeze something in for about 3 hours a week but not much more.

The job that she has over the summer is a camp instructor so she does a lot of physical activity then. She is hoping that this will solve her problem.

I have talked to her about the sex issues, and she agreed to be more open, however I can't say how that will pan out since I'm still on the East Coast for now and she's on the West. I will be seeing her in about 2-3 weeks and we'll see what happens. I'm visiting her. Then after another 2 weeks after i visit her we'll be together full time (so like i said we're never apart for more than a month span, which is right now)

She is a really great match for me but I understand what you guys are saying. The problems that I am having with her are pretty deep-rooted and a pretty big deal. I mean, physical attraction is a VERY important thing. As far as personality goes, she's pretty hard to beat though.

I know I shouldn't be thinking about marriage at this age, but it's hard to really say that when you have found someone that you are very compatible with, personality-wise. I was hesitant to say she was marriage material because I thought maybe it was a bit too extreme, however I couldn't think of another way to stress to you guys that the attributes that she has are pretty rare, especially in a 20-year-old. She never plays games, she has high interest levels, if I ask her to do something, she'll almost always do it. She's honest and straightforward; logical and reasoned.

I'm thinking I should at least wait until the school year restarts towards the end of August. This will be when I am together with her in the same area and I'll see how things pan out. I do not want to break up with her hastily. By doing this, I probably won't get with Lara. But getting with Lara isn't as much the issue.

 

[ChalengeGuyFan]

Apparently she is NOT marriage material.

It's when she has the personality you desire AND when you have a fulfilling sexual life when you can call a girl "marriage material". Even then, you can find a girl who is "lower quality" but brings more excitement to your life, so the marriage material is still not a keeper.

Popular belief is that a relationship you get in should work or you should try to make it work. Pile of crap, really.
You can go the better way (Lara or whatever) and be happy now and in the future or you can keep on being frustrated about sex which means wasting your youth.
When you're 30 you'll be wishing you were more adventurous and didn't stall on one girl.


Checking the compatibility between you and Lara while still being Anna's boyfriend is not that kind of a dirty cheating. You are not sleeping around a lot and you're not ruining a perfectly happy relationship.
You'd just be looking for a better match.

Not to mention that this relationship will end sooner or later. You can be a nice guy and wait to get dumped, a moment when you'll be asking yourself "why did she do that, since you two were doing so well together?". This is lying to yourself and you will feel really bad.

Or you can be "selfish" and end it yourself with an interest in your own happiness.
It's not even a matter of "selfishness" since everyone (should be) striving for the better. This accusation is used by lowlifes to keep men (and women) in a sh!t hole; these lowlifes just can't stand the though of someone actively pursuing a real, better than theirs, happiness. Accusations of bad morals keeps real men's/women's ambitions at bay and the lowlifes happy.


One day, a dude your girlfriend will like better will appear and she'll find the perfect excuse of getting "emotionally attached" to him, somehow placing the blame on the two of you, but mostly on you.
"He wasn't paying attention to my needs in bed", "The two of us were not fully compatible. We're better off just friends" (this one is true ) or whatever.
And she'll get away with it.
If you dump her on the reason that sex sucks you may be called a shallow *******, which is, again, a pile of crap. Sex is an extremely important factor in (almost) every human's life; he/she who ignores this and finds it ridiculous is full of... you guessed it... crap.


There is the other scenario of why you don't want to let go of Anna:
The thought of her finding another man who will show her the sexual heaven scares you; you'd like to be the first one who fvcks her so hard she can't say her name right.
That man will also enjoy her "unique" qualities. A reaaaaly scary though them having fun and not you!
But I don't expect you to recognize this. If it's there, it's a private thought.

 

[JLW]

Hey Challenge,

You are right. That definitely is a factor in my decision. But looking in my deepest heart of hearts, I really think it's because I don't want to make the mistake of dumping a girl where we could have "fixed" the problem. With the mentality of, "Oh **** there's a problem we have to break up", you don't really allow for much flexibility, and I don't see how an LTR could ever flourish. Now, major personality incompatibility, or huge rifts in outlooks on life, etc., are BIG problems and they are best addressed by breaking up. But I don't think this is one of those.

The issue is not a personality issue. If it were, then there would be no hope. When we discussed this, she was open to at least trying some new stuff. She has been trying to get back in shape.

At least in my opinion, it is NOT in my best interest to get rid of her right away. I would want to be absolutely sure about my decision. If I don't want until we're together full time in August, I would at least wait until I visited her in late July to see if we solved our problems. In my opinion, a sex life is something that can be solved somewhat easily. I mean, I only told her about this last week, and like I said, I can't see her yet.

To be honest I could give two tits about Lara. I mean she's sexy smart and interesting blah blah blah but my interest in Lara isn't as significant as the fact that I COULD be interested in other girls which puts up the big red flag for me. It made me question my relationship.

Maybe I will try hanging out with Lara, but I absolutely will not do anything that would be considered cheating, because it infidelity is wrong.

It is in MY best interest not to cheat, because #1, if Anna finds out I will be blacklisted by her group of friends (a very large group), #2, because cheating LYING no matter how you look at it, and #3, if Lara found out I had a girlfriend she probably wouldn't be too happy. This would reflect back on me and then i'd end up with nobody. If I break up with Anna then of course I would go for it though.

 

[RandallLambert]

Just casually mention this other girl... perhaps let slip a picture or two of you and 'Lara' together. Anna'll wanna know who this new girl is and just mention here and there she's funny, she's interesting, she works out. Basically reverse psychology whatever you want your girl to work on. Even mention you were talking about fantasies and she's open minded, then completely change the subject to something inane. More often than not, the girl will respond by making an effort to shift those pounds, and do whatever not to lose you. A little insecurity never did any harm.

Only other thing I could suggest would be to come clean with Anna and tell her exactly what you're feeling and why. You know be face to face and direct about your issues, thats how men do it. Then see what she says?

 

[AF77]

Agree with Randall.

 

[JLW]

Just casually mention this other girl... perhaps let slip a picture or two of you and 'Lara' together. Anna'll wanna know who this new girl is and just mention here and there she's funny, she's interesting, she works out. Basically reverse psychology whatever you want your girl to work on. Even mention you were talking about fantasies and she's open minded, then completely change the subject to something inane. More often than not, the girl will respond by making an effort to shift those pounds, and do whatever not to lose you. A little insecurity never did any harm.

Only other thing I could suggest would be to come clean with Anna and tell her exactly what you're feeling and why. You know be face to face and direct about your issues, thats how men do it. Then see what she says?

Anna, the girl I am dating currently, approached ME and asked why I wasn't as interested in sex anymore. I told her the truth. I told her our sex life was routine and I wasn't as into it as much. I told her that whenever I would try something different she would not be turned on by it. I told her that the fact that she can only 0rgasm in missionary position was annoying. Since then, she has been making an effort to improve in that regard. I won't know for sure for another 3 weeks when I see her in person, but obviously she was very bothered by this. I'm going to try some freaky stuff with her and see how she reacts this time.

The distance also isn't helping things. This is the longest period of time that we don't interact in person (1 and a half months) so it's hard to say if she'll improve when I see her.

I did not mention the weight issue because I don't know how to address that without coming off as really insensitive and mean. I think that the way you mentioned (mention this girl Lara and how she's fit blah blah blah) and maybe it will motivate her. I don't really like to play games like this. I prefer to be straightforward. But I really don't see any other way.

 

[Interceptor]

I say give her a chance to process this, and if she loves you and feels it's worth it, let her make an effort to put the relationship on a mutually satisfying track.
If not, then you may have to accept that she doesnt value the relationship or your needs as much, and if your sexual tastes are so different, then you may just not be compatible like you thought you were.
You then have to decide if you want to keep putting effort in being with a woman who doesnt make an effort and in essence, rejects you sexually.

But give her a chance to deal with this. Give her time to understand the gravity of the situation and see if she takes steps to make this work.

 

[I.A.F.Y.B.]

Maybe, you watch too much porn and think she should act like a pornstar. Porn is porn for a reason and real people arent like that but, some are. Which, are usually called ho's!

Have you talked about your sex life with her?

I'd say go ahead and cheat on her one time. That way you will know if you still love her or not.

 

[sodbuster]

the sex life gets WORSE after marriage. Is that how you want to spend your life? Missionary once a week?

 

[horaholic]

HAve you thought about WHY she doesnt like to get freaky, and cant orgasm easily? This almost always stems from social conditioning, and that can be worked on. Does she come from a religious family? That can be it right there.

There are professionals who dedicate their lives to sovling peoples sexual incompatibility. Sexual therapists, books, EFT (if you believe in it), hypnosis, etc. There is help out there for this kind of thing. It might cost money though. There might be forums out there dedicated to helping couples overcome this kind of thing, and before you end the relationship, be sure to exhaust your possibilities. If she's at least open to try to get freaky, thats the biggest step. If she feels more comfortable getting weird, she will probably start to orgasm easier. Seek help elsewhere. There are answers out there, because this is a very common thing.

 

[cola]

off topic: she gained 5 pounds on a 125, 5'8 frame? and you noticed/cared? wow your very observative and
must be into small girls cause id encourage her to eat.. i prefer them with a bit more meat than that.. ok ok..

on topic: needless to say as it is very cliche, life is short.. so your happiness is very important..

therefore if for one second i was in a ltr and questioned my happiness id give serious considseration to ending it..
your g/f gives one
major redflag that caught my attention and that is her lack of enthusiasm towards your sexual fantasies.. most girls if doing something they dont like for there man atleast fake enjoyment.. if they like you.

good luck man remember that life is too short
p.s
stop being so damn pickie goodness
man there women not mutual funds
~chris