Losing a parent/loved one

[Murk]

As many of you will know, I lost my mother in 2016 from cancer. It was 9 months from diagnosis to the funeral. This made me an orphan at the age of 26 without any siblings. My life spiraled out of control, I joined this forum 18 months later after the break up of my ex ex gf. I was a mess, many of you will remember the threads, the girls, the pregnancy scares, the crime etc. Drinking too much, taking cocaine on a weekly/daily basis. My work situation didn't help as coke was actively encouraged in a high-pressured, high-billing central London, (Wolf of Wall Street lite) kind of gig.

As it's coming up to Christmas I always think of and miss my mum, but I also realise how far I've come and how proud she would be. Many of you here helped me through some real dark times and always encouraged me. I was and am very open here, more so than with people in real life. You advised I to go to therapy, I did, it helped me immensely, so thanks for that, best thing I ever done.

Losing your entire support network in 9 months can make or break you. It broke and made me. A lot of people here are late 30s and beyond, but many are just kids in their 20s thinking "will it ever get better"? It does and it will, if you choose to live and succeed.

It's important to be close to your family and people that love you, that's why I travel to Miami to see my Grandad and wider family as much as I can. It's still not mum though. Nothing like a mothers love. There is always someone else worse off, I'd rather I go through what I did than any of my friends because I felt strong enough to deal with it, their time will come, and I'll be there. That kind of helps me through it.

It's important to keep going, keep pursuing your goals, regardless of what happens in life. You are the main character.

I was doing some reflection and wanted to post this, and my gratitude to the posters of this forum.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Murk,
Feel for you,you only get one Mum,those Guys lucky enough to have one still around,should make the most of her while they are able to.

 

[corrector]

Wow. I did not know that. My mom and I are both hoping the Rapture will happen,
before such a thing, to avoid a similar fate. I just go day by day and confirm if she is breathing or if the Rapture did not happen yet and she is still there (a dread is missing the Rapture myself, but at least mom is alright).

 

[BeExcellent]

You’ve been through a lot and come out the other side. You’ve grown as a human being and a man, with much of the at times messy process openly on parade here. What progress you have made. And your journey and progress has helped someone else, of that I am certain.

You’ll always carry your Mum in you heart, you’ll always hear the things she taught you in your mind. That is a gift that will give to you for the rest of your life. I carry my father in my heart like that, always think of him, how would he advise me, what would he say…stuff like that.

Merry Christmas @Murk and Godspeed always

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It's tough man...I lost my mother as well to cancer not long after you. The holidays are always the toughest time for me along with her birthday and Mother's Day...like you her loss sent me to a pretty dark place as I was very close to her. Literally held her hand as she took her last breath... it's something burned in my mind that I can't forget and something that while I am grateful I got to be there in that moment, it's also not something I would ever want to experience again. It was traumatic.

I've gotten much better as well, but also have a much better appreciation for others who are stuck in what I call "a black hole" that you can't seem to get out of...never thought in a million years that would have ever happened to me but it did.

But, I worked through and came out the other side better in some ways from having gone through it, especially from an empathy standpoint with others that are facing struggles with that.

I think the biggest thing that helped was at some point I stopped thinking about how sad I was that she wasn't around anymore during those times and about all the holiday traditions we no longer had, and started appreciating all the memories and great times I had with her and started building new traditions myself.

That being said, it's always still tough and some days I still miss her terribly seemingly for no reason other than I can't stop thinking about her. Maybe that's her way of trying to connect from me whereever she is at now...

 

[ThisIsSparta]

I never felt loved by my mother, or father as a kid. In retrospect i allways had to beg for gestures of affection. Still, even as i never was that close to my parents, we live close by and see each other more or less regularly. I see the issue when one ends up without a family-net. Family can make your life so much easier and richer.

I understand that a family can be a pain in the ass too. At some point i will end up having "only" my child left as blood family and i have to say i dread the day.

I am not an overly social person but there is a difference in knowing there is someone around that has your back at any point vs having to rely on "friends" or the conditional love of a wife/gf.

A good family trumps everyone else, it doesnt even have to be perfect.