Looking for a little sound advice - Mixed emotions, In a 'relationship'

[wanderlust420]

Good afternoon guys,

I have been dating the same girl casually for about 4 months. We would meet once a week, and then for the last 2 months or so, we'd meet about twice per week.
We get along alright, we mainly have sex and sometimes go out for a movie, a walk in the park, etc.

As much as I try to keep the frame that we can all be loving beings without jealousy issues, I had to react to her asking me as we lay in bed

"I probably don't need to ask something like this, but would you tell me if you were hooking up with other girls?"

My gut reaction was to respond instantly by saying "no, no I'm not." (Untrue, as I had sex with one other girl, but it was early in this current relationship.)

She then backpedaled for a moment and said "you know, since it's the condom thing, as we've been having sex without them and I don't want to catch anything." This was fair of her to say.


The issue is for some reason this interchange has been bothering me. I haven't been dating other girls, but I don't want to feel like I'm doing something wrong if I do date other girls. I've gotten a couple phone numbers in the last week for example, but I haven't acted on them, partly because it feels like I'm being less than genuine to the girl in this story.

So I'm asking for some advice from people who have been in a similar situation, when you care about the girl you're seeing, but you also want to play the field.

Funny one-liner responses are fine, but I'm really looking for a little guidance and help.

- Have a great rest of your weekend
WL420

 

[Tazman]

Why are you having sex without rubbers, especially with a girl you're not exclusive with?

 

[Von_S]

Why are you having sex without rubbers, especially with a girl you're not exclusive with?

This.

But to answer your question, you should be candid. You don't have to report in every week, but if she asks I think you owe it to tell her.

DJ's are Men and as a Man, you keep your word and are honest, and also you're not exclusive, she should be aware of this. If she gets pissed so be it, if you really like her you can do what you can to salvage the "relationship", or just end it and move on.

If you feel guilty about dating multiple women at once then maybe this game ain't for you.

 

[scrouds]

You're feeling guilty. I would like you to relfect on this guilt. really look at it, study its parts. Where does it come from?

If you find that this guilt is not serving your interests, learn to ignore it. Soon enough it will go away.

I think the problem here, is you're looking at this like its black and white. Like you only have 2 choices in this, a direct answer yes, and a direct answer no. Both answers don't serve you and your goals. Even questions such as honesty fall under this, what i'll call the fallacy of yes/no questions.

The fact that she backpedaled, she showed your unequivocally that her driving force behind her question was insecurity. That's a good emotion to instill in a chick (in moderation). uncertainty feeds desire. Direct answers kills uncertainty, whether you say a direct yes, or a direct no. Vagueness instills uncertainty.

As to being honest or not, that's a personal choice. But I think we fall into a very limiting box when we talk about morality. Its a very small, narrow box that lets us have only 2 options, one moral, one not. When the world, in reality, is filled with numerous options. The options to redirect the question, the option to ignore it completely. The option to address the underlying concerns rather then dealing with the words coming out of her mouth.

Guess we hit upon another fundamental point. Like in actions, where i recommend listen to what a girl does, not what she says; similarly, I say listen to what is under a question, what the drivers are, what the emotions are. Respond to them, use the underlying concerns rather then the actual question to craft your response. Your answer will be to work on her emotions. And you'll always get the message across that you want sent.

 

[wanderlust420]

Re: Condoms - "Why are you not using condoms with someone you're not exclusive with?"

Right now she is the only girl I'm having sex with. I don't know if it makes it any better, but if I were to have sex with anybody else right now, it would be with a condom.

Re: Reflecting on Guilt

I am trying to reflect on where the guilt is coming from. It could be simply that I don't want to be dishonest and hurt someone - but it is causing me unnecessary anxiety. THe issue is that I don't want anything "serious" and don't know if it's necessary or if I want to tell the girl that I don't want to be exclusive. I would prefer a don't ask don't tell policy - I'd prefer she doesn't hook up with other guys... I'm just a big *&^%^ hypocrite right now....

 

[jophil28]

She then backpedaled for a moment and said "you know, since it's the condom thing, as we've been having sex without them and I don't want to catch anything." This was fair of her to say.

You say, "OK, If I start seeing other women you will know because I will start using condoms with you. BTW, how do you plan on dealing with dating other guys ? "

 

[Von_S]

Right now she is the only girl I'm having sex with. I don't know if it makes it any better, but if I were to have sex with anybody else right now, it would be with a condom.

Dude, STD's are the LEAST of your problems. Do you know where babies come from?

 

[Sinistar]

...have been dating the same girl casually for about 4 months ... we mainly have sex ... "would you tell me if you were hooking up with other girls?" ... then backpedaled for a moment ... for some reason this interchange has been bothering me.

There is more info in your post than you realize. Women are masters of this game because they play covertly and indirectly. If this were a game of Chess she's playing 17 moves ahead of you (and all by feel).

With women, always ask WHY NOW?

Here's why. She's 4mo into a relationship with you. What do women want/need after about this much time - exclusivity. But they don't just blurt out "Let's be exclusive" because it might directly indicate their interest level and acknowledge being in your frame. Also, if it's too direct you might pull back.

So enter the master. She brings up the topic of other women via STD's (which more or less irrelevant IHMO). And what was your immediate response - delay. In just a second or two, she knew the answer from your silence. Think about it, if you hadn't slept with anyone your first reaction might have been a quick simple "Nope, nobody else". She then would have been happy knowing what she really wanted to know and it would have only taken another 2-3 moves to get you to be exclusive.

So, within seconds she knew her answer. What does she do - she appears to have backpedaled. If she didn't retract (and pressed) she would have learned the truth. It would have been a bit too direct for her, she instinctively knew she needed time to "feel" your answer so she took a way out. But she is still playing a few steps ahead because she now has you wondering about the question, wondering about being honest, maybe feeling some guilt or shame, etc. As a bonus, she now has some drama to play out with her friends, sisters, coworkers etc as they all help her figure out what your non-answer really meant and what she should do next.

A lot of guys cave under this set of moves. Don't be that guy if this isn't somebody you want a LTR with.

That being said, we also get more than our share of posts where the guy is puffing up his feathers all proud that he's spinning plates only to get mad and jealous when learns one them is seeing other guys (whether she is honest or lies is irrelevent IMHO).

I think what's bothering you is that you don't see this going anywhere long term and you are stringing her along. It's only natural to ask yourself, how would your react if the roles were reversed. When the answer to that question is incongruent with your current actions it will continue to bother you.

I'd prefer she doesn't hook up with other guys

I love this line. Go ahead and "prefer" all you want. Unless you go take this relationship to the next level she will hook up with as many guys as she needs to father babies and raise/cuckold them.

Whenever a guy admits this he is overtly acknowledging his belief in scarcity. If you could see your future and knew that you'd experience 30 other women, all hot, exotic, fun, interesting, etc would you really still "prefer" that she not hook up with other guys? No Way! When something doesn't feel rare or scarce we rarely waste energy trying to keep or control it.

Don't forget, not all interested women just throw in the towel. Some, upon learning you're not 100% into them, play another chess move - seeing other guys --> jealousy.

My recommendation: Maybe it's time for "Do unto others.....". BTW, there is irony to this recommendation. If the roles were reversed, the woman would most likely avoid the topic until you brought it up, you got pissed and you gave her a reason to end it so she'd have no guilt.

But you're not a woman, you're a MAN. Men live congruent lives. We know that if this one isn't doing it for us, we can tell them directly (with some indirect mixed in!) that "I really enjoy time with you but I need to experience more life before settling down". She will respond "I never said anything about settling down and I'm okay with this as long as you do the condom thing". That will last for about a month or two and then she'll either break up or drop hints of another guy to get you jealous

Isn't this game fun

 

[Fingerling]

Wow sinistar great insite. Er if your bored read some of my no contact posts your knowledge etc may help me out an give me a kick up the bum

 

[Sinistar]

Wow sinistar great insite. Er if your bored read some of my no contact posts your knowledge etc may help me out an give me a kick up the bum

I took a quick scan at your posts. I believe you want to do the right thing (break contact and move on) but you haven't made it there yet.

To some no contact means deleting messages, throwing away phone numbers, etc. That may seem immature but if you're in it bad, sometimes you gotta throw out the whiskey or it will just sit there tempting you. Besides, if you know a person as long as you've known her, you probably have the phone # and email address memorized anyways. So getting rid of stuff helps most to break the spell of being reminded of her.

Now let's talk really going no contact. That means you've decided (or been made aware!) that the relationship is over. You have finally accepted it 100%. You are now aware that it is quite possible that you may never see or talk to this person again for your entire life - yeah take a breath dude that should have waken you up!!!

That part right there takes people lots of time because people waste their time doubting and "talking" and "getting closure". Hogwash, what they (and you) are doing is finding ways to keep the relationship going by proxy. Think of it this way, she's not around so you bring things to parents or frienda places or dredge up stuff about her gf's, etc. You tell yourself it's to end things or get closure but if you're really honest with yourself, it is some lame hope that you'll actually "bump into each other" and "talk it out" and get back together again.

You're young. You may not see it yet, but this a great learning lesson in life. You can go on and on analyzing it and pointing fingers in all kinds of directions but when you get right down to it - YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER IS OVER! That wasn't meant to hurt or feel like an arse chewin'. It was simply meant to knock you out of the matrix but if for a few seconds.

Take a few minutes and look in from outside (it's hard but you can do it). You will see an entire life ahead of you. You know you can meet women and you know have a bit more experience than you did a few years ago. From the outside you will literally see millions of women to which you could cross paths. They will all be different, most will have issues but some will really be a good fit for you. It's a numbers game. If you think there is only one number, you will believe it is scarce. You will do everything to hold onto it. The thought of it (her) being drawn by someone else will actually hurt. It will hurt until you think back to that vision of vast numbers of women out there that are like jello in the presence of a MAN (ie DJ).

Back to no contact. Do you know how we can tell that you haven't gotten it yet - because you still post about it and around it. It's contact by proxy. By actually analysing her, you are having some of the sensations of contact with her. You need to break this too.

So how do you do that? You get busy. Time has to run (less for some, more for others) it's course. Really it's all about timing. The more time you spend doing other things and not thinking about or discussing her the faster you will break out of the yuck and have your life back.

Get busy. Do stuff with friends. Don't do stuff with common friends if you think contact with her will set you back. That might take a few months but who cares - put yourself first and always. Let's say you are destined to be married (kinda lame but follow with me). Why spend years 26-90+ married when you could go out and meet and experience another 25 women and then get married at 36? Just think, you could spend 10yrs meeting all kinds of women, learning more about relationships and people. In those 10yrs you'll establish your career and develop some great long term hobbies and interests.

Then when time comes and you want kids, just think - you'll know women aren't scarce. The opposite actually. You will never surrender your frame because you know how valuable you are to them. You'll know which women are wrong for you and why. When you have that, a pretty damn fine woman will want to be a compliment to your life and you'll be ready.

Here's a challenge - can you really go no contact? We'll know if you don't because it's just plain obvious. Some guys are just words on the screen and some are about action. Which one are you?

We're not going to tell you how to get her back because you'd just continue going backwards. It's time to start moving forward again.

 

[wanderlust420]

Dude, STD's are the LEAST of your problems. Do you know where babies come from?

She's on the pill and I always pull out and decorate her stomach.

Sinistar, thanks for an awesome response. I need to correct a few points.

She brings up the topic of other women via STD's (which more or less irrelevant IHMO). And what was your immediate response - delay

- My immediate response wasn't delay. I blurted out "No, no I haven't." Then when she backpedaled and talked about condoms, I asked "What about condoms?"- THat's when she explained the STD thing.

I think what's bothering you is that you don't see this going anywhere long term and you are stringing her along. It's only natural to ask yourself, how would your react if the roles were reversed. When the answer to that question is incongruent with your current actions it will continue to bother you.

I think you're right. I am truly not looking for anything long term. She is younger than I am, still in college, and sometimes I believe there may be some naivety there. If roles were reversed and she was interested in other guys, I wouldn't want to hear about it. Not because I'm in a scarcity mindset, but because I'm a Man and I don't want to think of other ****s anywhere near her vicinity. That makes me a hypocrite, but that's just the way I am.

But you're not a woman, you're a MAN. Men live congruent lives. We know that if this one isn't doing it for us, we can tell them directly (with some indirect mixed in!) that "I really enjoy time with you but I need to experience more life before settling down". She will respond "I never said anything about settling down and I'm okay with this as long as you do the condom thing". That will last for about a month or two and then she'll either break up or drop hints of another guy to get you jealous"

You're right, and I like how you make the assumption of what she's trying to say to open up that channel of communication.