Longing For REAL Love... (-developing a LTR-)

[23*]

...I know that a lot of people on this forum do not believe in true love and think that a true Don Juan would never allow himself to give a girl so much power...

...but I personally like the idea that sooner or later I will find that one special woman... a woman who's 100% loyal, sexy, and in love with me... a woman who supports me, gives me strength, and enjoys her life with me! My world would be pretty cold if this hope/dream would die... you feel me?

For three weeks I'm dating a very sweet girl now... everything seems pretty cool: we can talk with each other, the sex is nice, and her interest in me seems to be pretty high, too. I'm truly interested in a LTR with her... that's for sure! Until today I never really had a LTR... most of my relationships were only based on sex or not longer than three months.

Right now my problem is that I'm a very emotional and passionate person... and that I expect the same thing from my new girlfriend. I want and need 100% feelings and love from her... I want her to scream "I love YOU!" the whole day, I want her to call me all the time, I want to be the only thing she's thinking about... all the time! But even tho she's sending me very sweet messages like 2 or 3 times a day and even tho she can be very romantic and lovely, I still miss something like a total addiction... I guess that she likes me very much, but I doubt that she's already in love!

Of course, I would never tell her how I feel about this... I keep it cool and playa-like (with a romantic touch). But I'm asking you:

- is it possible that she just needs a little bit more time to develop and express her feelings?
- should I give her the freedom she needs and let patience and persistence be the key?
- should I become even more aggressive or should I give her more painful experiences within the relationship?
- how can I keep my own feeling high (sometimes they want to vanish)?
- is it possible that her feelings are very deep, but that she has a different opinion about relationships and 'expressing feelings'?

I'm sorry for the long post and very thankful for every opinion!

 

[libre]

Young man

You are passionate and want to fall in love and to live the passion. Well do oblige yourself and have fun. Expect however that these feelings will surely not be eternal. You will probably sometimes crash and burn in the future, but you will have lived and learned and that is what life is all about. Have your passions, love to be in love, have fun.

Romeo and Juliet passions and adventures are great fun. That is what romances, great plays and movies are made of. Do not expect life to be like this however and if you do, you will live a life of unrealistic and unrealised expectations. You will live a life of misery.

In my opinion, it is impossible for her to have deep feelings and emotions about you after a 3 week relationship. If she thinks she does, she is mistaken like you yourself are mistaken. You are mistaking your passions for long term love.

All your questions as to the time that she needs to have, about persistence and the rest, your brains must tell you that they are the right questions to ask. Don't they?

If you push her and try to have her feel the same passions as you do, you will most probably push her away. You will crash and burn sooner than later. If you want to have a chance that your relationship will endure with her, give it time and measure.

But, don't let naysayers put you down. Have fun and enjoy the moment and the passion.

 

[Junior Sanz]

23*,

you just described my exact relationship experience as i experienced the same things you had in the past.

the only thing different is that im a little farther ahead then you...

my LTR is now 8 mos. today, and let me tell you, things werent always loving and passionate ALL THE TIME up until this point....

you need to leave room for mistakes, gaps in affection, time to learn what your partners likes/dislikes are.... etc

like mentioned earlier, change is inevitable and you CAN NOT fight it. if you do, you will struggle with your feelings and outlook on the relationship....

Like yourself, i to always wanted that love and affection 24/7 from my GF... i fell into the "needy" category and it wasnt getting me anywhere! i just frustrated myself beyond belief, almost breaking off the relationship early on.....



___________________________________________________

"- is it possible that she just needs a little bit more time to develop and express her feelings?"

"- should I give her the freedom she needs and let patience and persistence be the key?"


"- how can I keep my own feeling high (sometimes they want to vanish)?"


____________________________________________________


you answered your own question here bro.....

keep your feelings high by focusing on all your partners strengths and how she adds to your life in a positive way!!

agreed, 3 weeks is a little premature but it sounds like you are on your way to a great LTR, if you let things develop....

good luck to you! let me tell you from my own experience.....

this is the 1st LTR of my entire life, and i enjoy my partner tremendously....

my advice is to allow yourself and her to make occassional mistakes, forgive, forget, and move on.... no one is perfect and we all fall down once in a while...

dont try to change her, like her for who she is.... you will be doing yourself a favor in the long run....

 

[Junior Sanz]

and one more thing..... BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!!!

ya never know once you get it, if thats what you really wanted in the first place...

 

[Testosterone101]

Originally posted by 23*
I want and need 100% feelings and love from her... I want her to scream "I love YOU!" the whole day, I want her to call me all the time, I want to be the only thing she's thinking about... all the time! But even tho she's sending me very sweet messages like 2 or 3 times a day and even tho she can be very romantic and lovely, I still miss something like a total addiction...

BE CAREFUL BRO! I've been like this many times before. I was in the same boat as you emotionally, and I get like that sometimes and I have to check myself... You WANT all of these things so bad to the point where you THINK you NEED them. If your not careful and you stay like this you will start doing things to get her to do the things you want, YOU WILL TRY and earn having her say "I love YOU!" 20 times a day. You will try to start doing things to get her to do this.

You will think you are on top of things but slowly as your not getting what you want you will start do do this. This is not real logical but it is the truth--this will only push her farther away from you and doing the things you want... You will slowly start to act AFC and niceguyish trying to get her to do these things...

Very bad, she will just be pushed farther and farther from you.. If you have the mindset that you have now, the mindset I used to have, you will be LET DOWN, DISAPPOINTED, UNHAPPY, I mean ocassionally she will be how you want her to be and you will be happy but it can't be like that 24/7, and as soon as the behavior you desire disappears you will start to think to yourself.. "what did i do wrong" etc etc "what can i do"... very bad road that leads to a lot of stress and general unhappyness / feeling of unfulfillment..

Solution? I'm still trying to find it.. but I would start with having the OPPOSITE mindset. You have to have the mindset that she is LUCKY to be with you SHE has to earn being ABLE to say "I love you" to you etc etc and all the things you want.. its her PRIVELAGE to be able to do all of the things that you want. Be careful man if you linger in that mindset it will take ahold of you and consume you.. and lead to your ruin. Constantly check yourself and make sure you are on top of things / thinking logically / realistically... good luck.

 

[Junior Sanz]

You have to have the mindset that she is LUCKY to be with you SHE has to earn being ABLE to say "I love you" to you etc etc and all the things you want..

its her PRIVELAGE to be able to do all of the things that you want. Be careful man if you linger in that mindset it will take ahold of you and consume you.. and lead to your ruin.

Constantly check yourself and make sure you are on top of things / thinking logically / realistically... good luck.

____________________________________________________

Great stuff here....

SOLUTION: DONT TRY TO CHANGE HER!

 

[Faded Image]

...but I personally like the idea that sooner or later I will find that one special woman... a woman who's 100% loyal, sexy, and in love with me... a woman who supports me, gives me strength, and enjoys her life with me! My world would be pretty cold if this hope/dream would die... you feel me?

Once you receive a woman with all those qualities, you're not going to appreciate her like you thought you would. From my point of view, men and women want different things but are exactly a like within a relationship in some cases. For example a Man whishes for a women with similar qualities as you described above. He then meets an incredible women one day and starts dating her shortly after. Eventually they evolve into a LTR where both parties think they are in love and are extremely happy with each other. Once the chase is over and the two starts settling down and getting comfortable with each other, then the problems creep in. The woman begins over showering him with love, care and affection. While she’s doing this, his need to show her that love and affection in return starts deteriorating. He becomes annoyed and starts setting his sights on other women and other things. This eventually leads to a lopsided breakup (him dumping her) with him still searching for those qualities. Now you might ask, “Why would he still be looking for these qualities when he had them with this woman?” That reason being is what I call the “Appreciation Factor.” It’s when you crave and want something so bad that you feel the need to have to have it. Once you’ve received it, the value of that item (that you wanted so badly) drops drastically in your eyes. He wanted it, he got it, and he didn’t appreciate because it wasn’t from the type women his mind was sat on.
That was just a quick example and it’s vice versa for a man doing that for a women.

So basically the reason I say you won’t appreciate her is because the women that’ll give you that love and affection aren’t the women we have set in your mind. Those types of women are the kind that we over look for women we consider better.

This is all my point of view.

 

[madgame]

Wassup 23*? What part of germany are you from? I live here, too...

(I'm speaking to you in english though, because I think it's a bit disrespectful to speak in your mother tongue that almost nobody else understands on this forum...aber keine Panik ich wohn wirlich in Deutschland und kann auch Ü's und Ä's machen )

 

[23*]

Whoa! First of all I wanna thank all of you for your great posts! I visit this forum for a pretty long time now and I like it very much, but I was not expecting so many great replies!

All of you can truly imagine how I feel right now and all of your advice seems to be very wise and helpful!

libre said: In my opinion, it is impossible for her to have deep feelings and emotions about you after a 3 week relationship. If she thinks she does, she is mistaken like you yourself are mistaken. You are mistaking your passions for long term love.

...that's very true! I should not expect too much too early!

If you push her and try to have her feel the same passions as you do, you will most probably push her away. You will crash and burn sooner than later. If you want to have a chance that your relationship will endure with her, give it time and measure.

...that is one of my biggest fears... that my passions push her away! I will have to control my emotions as much as possible!

Junior Sanz said: keep your feelings high by focusing on all your partners strengths and how she adds to your life in a positive way!!

...that's very true! I need to keep my feelings on a high level in order to stimulate her mind and heart the right way!

Like yourself, i to always wanted that love and affection 24/7 from my GF... i fell into the "needy" category and it wasnt getting me anywhere! i just frustrated myself beyond belief, almost breaking off the relationship early on.....

...sometimes I turn into this 'needy' guy as well, but until now I was always able to get out of there again... I need to be very careful in the future tho!

Testosterone101 said: Solution? I'm still trying to find it.. but I would start with having the OPPOSITE mindset. You have to have the mindset that she is LUCKY to be with you SHE has to earn being ABLE to say "I love you" to you etc etc and all the things you want.. its her PRIVELAGE to be able to do all of the things that you want. Be careful man if you linger in that mindset it will take ahold of you and consume you.. and lead to your ruin. Constantly check yourself and make sure you are on top of things / thinking logically / realistically... good luck.

...to think logically is not always easy in this situation, but I guess it's more than neccessary... even tho I think some kind of passion should always remain and sometimes even be in charge!

Faded Image said: Now you might ask, “Why would he still be looking for these qualities when he had them with this woman?” That reason being is what I call the “Appreciation Factor.” It’s when you crave and want something so bad that you feel the need to have to have it. Once you’ve received it, the value of that item (that you wanted so badly) drops drastically in your eyes. He wanted it, he got it, and he didn’t appreciate because it wasn’t from the type women his mind was sat on.
That was just a quick example and it’s vice versa for a man doing that for a women.

...exactly! That can be very dangerous! Therefore I should always keep in mind how she adds to my life in a positive way (as Junior Sanz has said)! And I should always keep a certain distance between us in order to stay interesting in her eyes!

madgame said: Wassup 23*? What part of germany are you from? I live here, too...

...hey madgame! I live in the north of Germany, in Hamburg! Where are you from?

 

[23*]

+

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by 23*
I want and need 100% feelings and love from her... I want her to scream "I love YOU!" the whole day, I want her to call me all the time, I want to be the only thing she's thinking about... all the time! But even tho she's sending me very sweet messages like 2 or 3 times a day and even tho she can be very romantic and lovely, I still miss something like a total addiction...

:nervous:

 

[Junior Sanz]

NOW JUST APPLY WHAT WE HAVE GIVEN YOU!!!!

 

[themanwithnoname]

I'm not focused on romance, I'm focused on how much money I can save from doing things and having a partner to do it with. Think logical, not feelings.

"I love you" means zero. A girl by the age of 25, probably has said it a dozen times to dozen guys she's f ucked.

 

[23*]

Originally posted by themanwithnoname
I'm not focused on romance, I'm focused on how much money I can save from doing things and having a partner to do it with. Think logical, not feelings.

"I love you" means zero. A girl by the age of 25, probably has said it a dozen times to dozen guys she's f ucked.

...that sounds very sad... and it seems as if you don't and can't believe in yourself! You can't believe that you have the ability/personality to drive a girls so wild, so crazy that's she all over and into you!

I'm all over money... it's very important to me... but when I'm 40 I wanna chare my wealth with a great wife and great kids... no divorce, no bullshhh!

 

[frivolousz21]

dont mind him


he is a bitter afc who has no idea what he is talking about.

thats something stupid to say. and very untrue.

a AW probably broke his heart.

good luck with ur dreams and goals with love.

nothing is better

 

[Huno]

Originally posted by Junior Sanz
and one more thing..... BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!!!

ya never know once you get it, if thats what you really wanted in the first place...

This is only too true.

I now have a GF (first one, at this age it seems pretty sad, but I'm happy to have one at all!). I thought just like you--I want to be totally in love, I want her to call me every day just to say "I love you," all that stuff--let me tell you, it gets real old, real fast.

I've been with her for a little over a month, and I like her a lot--cute (7.5), level-headed, mature girl, no drama (yet)--but she calls me every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day, and she wants to see me daily (I live about an hour away, so this isn't practical for several reasons).

Now, I'm the kind of guy to like to be alone every so often--I like to do my own thing, sort of a "lone wolf." I don't hang out with my friends very often, and I keep myself pretty busy. This may have something to do with the following: I don't really like all the attention I'm getting from her. I like to have my own life; I've got my own thing going, and though she's a very great part of my daily routine, I have to have my own space. We've discussed this, and we do talk every day on the phone, but I realize now that I wouldn't want constant affirmation of love from her.

What this tells me is that 1) she's probably not marriage material, since I'm not totally "head-over-heels" in love with her, and this is okay: I can have fun with her, go out, do everything I want, it just means that I won't be marrying this girl (which is fine, marriage for me is at least 5, 10 years away)....

2) I'm keeping a cool head on my shoulders when I deal with her, and that's the way it should be--if my perceptions and thoughts were clouded by lust or infatuation, you can bet I would have done something stupid by now. But I've been very calm and detached from all our dealings and she's all the more interested in me for it (she even said, "I feel like I had to get you." Little does she know that was the point of the DJ methods taught here!)....

And finally, 3) things should flow at their natural pace. Rushing things and asking for love creates an artificiality that won't provide that genuine affection you want--it has to come naturally, and this requires patience. My GF didn't start out this interested--our first date was very casual, she hardly displayed any romantic interest. This built up into our relationship now, where she's way more interested in me now than she was when we first started out. I was the same way: I was mildly interested at first, but now I like her a lot.

I am rambling now, hehehe.... but my point is that I believe this has a natural flow that should be respected if you're looking for "real love." I do think you should have more patience and let things happen naturally. If she develops more interest, then it'll be real. If not, then the two of you weren't meant to be together.

Anyway, that's what I think.... good luck!

 

[madgame]

I'm in Nuremberg. Why the number 23...u play basketball or is that just your age?

 

[Junior Sanz]

good stuff HUNO!!!

 

[23*]

@ Huno: Very nice post!! Thanx-a-lot!

@ madgame: I call myself 23 because back in the days I was Michael Jordan's biggest fan! Now I don't play basketball anymore, but I still have a lot of respect for this great legend!

 

[Hellboy]

H?ey man, a LTR can be a beautiful thing! Just have patience and don't try to force things. Read this.