First off, I've been reading this board for years and used to post under the name JeeperCane before forgetting my password and unsuccessfully trying to get it reset. Anyway, I'm back after a few months to get a fresh take on my current situation from you guys, who have always helped set me straight.
This is pretty long, so if you have zero interest in reading a long piece, then stop here!
So after my last LTR (1 year) ended last November, I started seeing a girl who I went to college with, but who does not live in my city of Miami. We both went to college here, but she currently lives in DC. It was one of those situations where we knew each other for years, kept in casual contact and were both single at the same time. We spent New Year's together and quickly fell into a little relationship. It wasn't very serious, more fun for both of us in going between DC and Miami every few weeks. The weekend were fun, the sex was amazing and we genuinely got to know one another a lot better. There was no pressure and we both lived our own lives outside of seeing each other.
Unfortunately, shortly after we started seeing each other, here mom got sick with cancer. It was a very sad situation in which she slowly deteriorated and finally passed at the end of June. We kept our visits going through her mom's decline, with me even going to see her in the hospital and in hospice. The girl was truly amazing in the face of such adversity. She kept a very mature outlook on her mom's situation and some of the things that had divided them when she was growing up. When here mom became day-to-day, she said she needed some space to just sort of deal with things. I gave her this space totally understanding (and believing in my heart) that I SHOULD be her last priority at such a time. I told her that I would still be here if she wanted to talk and all, but that her mom should be her focus. In all truthfulness, I really felt this way and feel that I did the right thing today; at the time it was a minor relationship that really didn't matter in the grad scheme of things when compared to someone losing a parent.
After her mom passed, we started talking a little bit, but not as often as we had in the past. When her mom slipped, I was only seeing her and when we took our little "step back", I never once went looking for another girl. After years of playing the field, I just felt that this was the wrong time to do such a thing. That this was one time where I was with a girl who had to slow things down out of no doing of her own. I also knew that if I moved on and got the call in the middle of the night saying her mom had passed and I was with someone else, I would never be able to rid my conscience of it. You guys may have your own take on that, but I did what I thought was right and that is one thing I stand by.
A few weeks after her mom passed away, I won two free tickets to Tahiti at my job (I work for a travel company). Naturally, I ask her to come and she said yes. From the get-go, I wasn't sure where we stood, what we were doing, but I felt that if I could help someone get through a tough time, I was doing a good deed. I also did hope to rekindle our relationship.
As you could probably imagine, the trip was a pretty difficult one. This was a girl that was in no way, shape or form, ready to partake in a relationship again. We went at the end of August, only five weeks after her loss. She spent most of the time very quietly staring off in the distance, not saying much and hardly showing me any affection. There was no sex at all. This was very hard for me. Most of the conversations were me asking questions and getting one-word answers from her. During the trip, I felt as though I was with an entirely different person. I chose to say nothing though and let her be in her own world. It wasn't the right place or right time in my opinion. She got to do a few thing she wanted to do, such as SCUBA dive and get a new tattoo. I paid for the hotel and she paid for her activities. I'm sure a lot of people will feel that I got taken on this one, and you all may be right, but if you looked at this person and saw her completely blank and emotionless face, you would realize why I felt there was no reason to get mad or say anything. I was literally with a human who didn't have the capacity to deal with anything but some soul-searching and recovery.
After we got back, I didn't hear from her for a few weeks, but finally received a call a week before she was supposed to come down and go to a football game with me. In the interim, though I picked myself up, went out and found a wonderful new girl to spend some quality time with. We started dating and really enjoying each other. I was in no way waiting around at that point for my DC girl, but figured that I would simply keep the line of communication open while moving on to see what else is out there. The new girl is a bit older then I am (5 years) and being once divorced (albeit a long time ago), really is rather cautious of throwing herself into anything too quickly. She's gorgeous and a ton of fun.
Anyway, back to the DC girl. I simply laid it out to her that I wasn't sure what was going on, but that if she was going to come down again, I didn't want a repeat of "the worst vacation I've ever been on" as I put it to her. I said that I realized the magnitude of her mom's death was something I couldn't begin to comprehend, but that at the same time I didn't want to be simply ignored in my own apartment. (I had agreed before the Tahiti trip to let her and a few people I knew from college come down for the game and stay at my apartment. Perhaps I should have told them to get lost, but I decided to keep my word and let them stay.)
To my surprise, she broke down and cried, telling me that she always thought she was just "something for when you're between girlfriends" and that I never took her seriously. I said that this was preposterous; why would I fly her half way around the world if I didn't take her seriously. I also said that if I wanted to get laid, I could have gotten laid here and not waited for her. She also addressed the issue of me moving. I had mentioned to her that I wanted to move back to the north east and that I was tired of Miami after 9 years. She took that as me moving back to my native NY and said that "soon, you'll move and you won't be any closer to me if you go to NY". She said that she was sorry for how she acted and that she was fully aware of how ****ty she was, but that she simply woke up every morning and thought of her mom. It's one of those things where you really can't call BS on it because you can't underestimate how the death of a mother affects a 25 year old woman.
I was able to get a weekend free from the girl who lives down here and everything worked out just fine if you're interested in that aspect of things. It's probably an entirely different thread, but it just took some careful game planning and intelligent time management.
She eventually came down with her friends (another guy and girl) and we all had a nice time at the game. Nothing intimate happened with us, save for a few moments: she bought me two long-sleeve shirts as a surprise saying that I'll need them for "when you move back to the north". A few night later I mentioned that I hadn't renewed my basketball season tickets to which she replied "why would you renew them if you're going to move". After getting back home, she called me and said she hoped I'd get an interview in DC so we could hang out again. These comments were interesting to me in that it seemed that my desire to move struck a cored with her. I may be reading too much into it, but that's what I noticed.
I haven't seen her since early October, but she texts and emails me a little and calls me once a week or so. I've added another girl to my rotation so I have two here that are very into me and this one in DC as well. My situation is a bit bothersome to me in that I'm still very hung up on the girl from DC. She is truly someone who makes me happy when she is not struggling with the loss of a parent. I can't seem to move on and forget about her. I'm wondering what exactly this girl's frame of mind is? She still calls me, still keeps in contact with me and I'm not sure why. I think she would still like to see me, but I'm pretty sure she isn't ready for any kind of relationship with anyone right now in her life.
I've done what I think is the right things for me as well: I've found someone down here who I like to date and have fun with and who I will continue to see until there is a reason not to. I also have a backup down here who I can see when I'm bored and when it suits me. However, it's the girl in DC that keeps me up at night. No, I wouldn't move to DC just for her. I would more then likely move back to NY, but the prospect of me moving closer to DC makes the prospect of us seeing one another all the more real. At the end of the day, I think the hours of reading this forum have helped me enjoy my social life very immensely. Finding new girls has never really been an issue for me, but for some reason I am stuck on this girl. I think part of it has to do with the fact that our "breakup" was of no doing of either of our actions. It was a 3rd-party even that simply destroyed her inside and something that I can't either fix, or just blame myself for. I guess I feel cheated in that manner. I think I'm putting too much stock into a sort-lived relationship as well, but sooner or later, is it wrong to try and see one through? My plan as of now is simple: just keep dating my girls in Miami until I decide where and when to move and then see how that influences my lady in DC. I'm just looking for some guidance from the board, maybe some words of wisdom from anyone who's dealt with a similarly strange situation.
This is pretty long, so if you have zero interest in reading a long piece, then stop here!
So after my last LTR (1 year) ended last November, I started seeing a girl who I went to college with, but who does not live in my city of Miami. We both went to college here, but she currently lives in DC. It was one of those situations where we knew each other for years, kept in casual contact and were both single at the same time. We spent New Year's together and quickly fell into a little relationship. It wasn't very serious, more fun for both of us in going between DC and Miami every few weeks. The weekend were fun, the sex was amazing and we genuinely got to know one another a lot better. There was no pressure and we both lived our own lives outside of seeing each other.
Unfortunately, shortly after we started seeing each other, here mom got sick with cancer. It was a very sad situation in which she slowly deteriorated and finally passed at the end of June. We kept our visits going through her mom's decline, with me even going to see her in the hospital and in hospice. The girl was truly amazing in the face of such adversity. She kept a very mature outlook on her mom's situation and some of the things that had divided them when she was growing up. When here mom became day-to-day, she said she needed some space to just sort of deal with things. I gave her this space totally understanding (and believing in my heart) that I SHOULD be her last priority at such a time. I told her that I would still be here if she wanted to talk and all, but that her mom should be her focus. In all truthfulness, I really felt this way and feel that I did the right thing today; at the time it was a minor relationship that really didn't matter in the grad scheme of things when compared to someone losing a parent.
After her mom passed, we started talking a little bit, but not as often as we had in the past. When her mom slipped, I was only seeing her and when we took our little "step back", I never once went looking for another girl. After years of playing the field, I just felt that this was the wrong time to do such a thing. That this was one time where I was with a girl who had to slow things down out of no doing of her own. I also knew that if I moved on and got the call in the middle of the night saying her mom had passed and I was with someone else, I would never be able to rid my conscience of it. You guys may have your own take on that, but I did what I thought was right and that is one thing I stand by.
A few weeks after her mom passed away, I won two free tickets to Tahiti at my job (I work for a travel company). Naturally, I ask her to come and she said yes. From the get-go, I wasn't sure where we stood, what we were doing, but I felt that if I could help someone get through a tough time, I was doing a good deed. I also did hope to rekindle our relationship.
As you could probably imagine, the trip was a pretty difficult one. This was a girl that was in no way, shape or form, ready to partake in a relationship again. We went at the end of August, only five weeks after her loss. She spent most of the time very quietly staring off in the distance, not saying much and hardly showing me any affection. There was no sex at all. This was very hard for me. Most of the conversations were me asking questions and getting one-word answers from her. During the trip, I felt as though I was with an entirely different person. I chose to say nothing though and let her be in her own world. It wasn't the right place or right time in my opinion. She got to do a few thing she wanted to do, such as SCUBA dive and get a new tattoo. I paid for the hotel and she paid for her activities. I'm sure a lot of people will feel that I got taken on this one, and you all may be right, but if you looked at this person and saw her completely blank and emotionless face, you would realize why I felt there was no reason to get mad or say anything. I was literally with a human who didn't have the capacity to deal with anything but some soul-searching and recovery.
After we got back, I didn't hear from her for a few weeks, but finally received a call a week before she was supposed to come down and go to a football game with me. In the interim, though I picked myself up, went out and found a wonderful new girl to spend some quality time with. We started dating and really enjoying each other. I was in no way waiting around at that point for my DC girl, but figured that I would simply keep the line of communication open while moving on to see what else is out there. The new girl is a bit older then I am (5 years) and being once divorced (albeit a long time ago), really is rather cautious of throwing herself into anything too quickly. She's gorgeous and a ton of fun.
Anyway, back to the DC girl. I simply laid it out to her that I wasn't sure what was going on, but that if she was going to come down again, I didn't want a repeat of "the worst vacation I've ever been on" as I put it to her. I said that I realized the magnitude of her mom's death was something I couldn't begin to comprehend, but that at the same time I didn't want to be simply ignored in my own apartment. (I had agreed before the Tahiti trip to let her and a few people I knew from college come down for the game and stay at my apartment. Perhaps I should have told them to get lost, but I decided to keep my word and let them stay.)
To my surprise, she broke down and cried, telling me that she always thought she was just "something for when you're between girlfriends" and that I never took her seriously. I said that this was preposterous; why would I fly her half way around the world if I didn't take her seriously. I also said that if I wanted to get laid, I could have gotten laid here and not waited for her. She also addressed the issue of me moving. I had mentioned to her that I wanted to move back to the north east and that I was tired of Miami after 9 years. She took that as me moving back to my native NY and said that "soon, you'll move and you won't be any closer to me if you go to NY". She said that she was sorry for how she acted and that she was fully aware of how ****ty she was, but that she simply woke up every morning and thought of her mom. It's one of those things where you really can't call BS on it because you can't underestimate how the death of a mother affects a 25 year old woman.
I was able to get a weekend free from the girl who lives down here and everything worked out just fine if you're interested in that aspect of things. It's probably an entirely different thread, but it just took some careful game planning and intelligent time management.
She eventually came down with her friends (another guy and girl) and we all had a nice time at the game. Nothing intimate happened with us, save for a few moments: she bought me two long-sleeve shirts as a surprise saying that I'll need them for "when you move back to the north". A few night later I mentioned that I hadn't renewed my basketball season tickets to which she replied "why would you renew them if you're going to move". After getting back home, she called me and said she hoped I'd get an interview in DC so we could hang out again. These comments were interesting to me in that it seemed that my desire to move struck a cored with her. I may be reading too much into it, but that's what I noticed.
I haven't seen her since early October, but she texts and emails me a little and calls me once a week or so. I've added another girl to my rotation so I have two here that are very into me and this one in DC as well. My situation is a bit bothersome to me in that I'm still very hung up on the girl from DC. She is truly someone who makes me happy when she is not struggling with the loss of a parent. I can't seem to move on and forget about her. I'm wondering what exactly this girl's frame of mind is? She still calls me, still keeps in contact with me and I'm not sure why. I think she would still like to see me, but I'm pretty sure she isn't ready for any kind of relationship with anyone right now in her life.
I've done what I think is the right things for me as well: I've found someone down here who I like to date and have fun with and who I will continue to see until there is a reason not to. I also have a backup down here who I can see when I'm bored and when it suits me. However, it's the girl in DC that keeps me up at night. No, I wouldn't move to DC just for her. I would more then likely move back to NY, but the prospect of me moving closer to DC makes the prospect of us seeing one another all the more real. At the end of the day, I think the hours of reading this forum have helped me enjoy my social life very immensely. Finding new girls has never really been an issue for me, but for some reason I am stuck on this girl. I think part of it has to do with the fact that our "breakup" was of no doing of either of our actions. It was a 3rd-party even that simply destroyed her inside and something that I can't either fix, or just blame myself for. I guess I feel cheated in that manner. I think I'm putting too much stock into a sort-lived relationship as well, but sooner or later, is it wrong to try and see one through? My plan as of now is simple: just keep dating my girls in Miami until I decide where and when to move and then see how that influences my lady in DC. I'm just looking for some guidance from the board, maybe some words of wisdom from anyone who's dealt with a similarly strange situation.
