long story, help

[scrumhalf]

OK crew. A long road has led me here, on this message board. I met my wife at work while in the navy. She was 19. Things moved really quickly, and 5 months after that she was pregnant. She moved to shore duty. Shortly after that, we got married. Everything was great. We had another kid shortly after the birth of the first. 2 years and change into the marriage, I came home to a crying wife. She was telling me that she wanted a break. I had no idea there was anything wrong with our relationship. She told me I dont care about how I dress anymore, and that I never got her a ring (couldnt afford it at the time), how I dont show her attention while I'm at work, etc etc and that she wasn't in love with me. I was blindsided. We worked it out, and I told her that from now I can't fix anything if I don't know it's broken. I put the max effort in after that. I worked out, helped around the house, bought her a legit ring, bought new clothes, texted her consistently while I was at work, buying random gifts, etc etc. This seemed to be the best month of my marriage. Forward to a month later, at a social event for her work. She introduced me to a guy she works with, and his wife. At first it was cool. But then the guys wife ended up in the bathroom, throwing up all night from being too drunk. I quickly found myself as a third wheel. Back turned to me, my wife talking to him and laughing etc etc and completely giving me a cold shoulder. When I mentioned it, she started crying and we had to promptly leave. She said he was her mentor and just a really good friend, and that I ruined her night. I somehow ended up feeling bad. After that night, I tried to accept this friendship and move forward. But that gut feeling remained. A month later, I saw a text message. It was him, saying he loved her. I opened up a thread full of "I love you so much".When confronted, she got defensive and said that she loves him just as a friend. This never got fully resolved. She said she would stop telling him that she loved him. But, she refused to give him up as a friend. We moved on. But at this point I knew deep down. So I asked if she cheated on me. I was always very calm and even told her I would stay if she did. She always got defensive and told me to stop asking. So one day I wised up and checked my phone bill usage.Turns out, they texted 150-200 times a day. And pictures sent. Still, she never admitted to anything but an emotional affair. A week later, I called the guy. I met him, and he told me everything. (IDK his reasoning, honestly.) Naked pictures. Hanging out at work alot. A ******* one morning before work. A meeting one night when she claimed to be working, but "they didnt do anything that night." I got drunk, and it was a long night of me yelling at her. She said he was a mistake, that she didnt have feelings for him, etc etc. At the point in our marriage when I was trying my hardest, she was cheating. My eyes were opened, at least partially.Its at this point when I find out that she had daddy issues. I came to realize that the whole time I trusted her, she was a flirt, thriving off of male attention. A classic attention *****, if you will. Manipulative. And a liar. Always playing the victim card. Selfish.Regardless, I stayed. It was difficult. She cried and told me she loved me and she couldn't lose me. She said she would do whatever it would take to regain my trust. I said give me all your passwords and dont talk to your best guy friend from home (who I assume is her plan B, already presumed his love for her etc etc). The first resistance was the passwords. "I deserve privacy" and "you have to learn to trust me." This just two months after the incident. After fighting about it, I gave in. Then she meets a lesbian she works with, a boyish one. (my wife is sometimes interested in girls). Long story short, I told her I dont want her getting too close to her because I didnt trust her. She was basically a guy in my mind. Then I find out that she called the plan b guy. She said she wanted closure from not talking to him anymore. This lead to a fight where she actually admitted to being wrong and apologized and agreed to not talk to him anymore.Fast forward to this week. I am out to sea this month. I see that she hung out with the lesbian and another friend via pictures on facebook. Check phone record, see she texts her consistently. She had a plan to go to a festival with her friends for her birthday. I ask if the lesbian is going, and she says yes. I gave her **** for it, and it led to a fight where she ended up saying "this obviously isnt going to work, so why force it." She said I didnt want her to have friends (over one girl?), and that I was stopping her from living her life. That she refused to live her life like that. She proceeded to blame herself. "This will never work after what I did to you, you will never trust me, I need to find myself" etc etc. She was very short in conversations about "US" (as I have yet to previously mention, always has been). After two days We got over that, with me eventually having to give in once again. What could I do, in reality? I'm out to sea for a month. I work alot and I'm more responsible. I think she is having buyers remorse. Our entire relationship has been me constantly giving in and constantly putting in more work than her. And putting up with endless bull**** that she puts me through. She has the "I'm a princess" mentality and I have always done everything in my power to treat her as such. Please don't tell me what I should've done differently. If I could go back, theres a million things I would do different. I can't change that now. The past is the past. I'm sure 99 percent of you would say leave her, and trust me, if i didn't have two beautiful little girls, it would be long over. I realize that I have been a beta. Basically, a little *****, who she has lost respect for. I don't have options. I don't talk to many females because I have always been loyal, to the point where I barely talk to them just to make her not jealous. I've been all in, but she hasn't. Now I'm on the chopping block, right before she gets out of the navy and we move to chicago for my new orders (3 months from now). I don't want to leave her, because first off, I do love her. Somehow. And second, I can't imagine a life where I lose a custody battle, end up half way across the country from my kids, up to my eyeballs in debt from this marriage, watching my former wife going through her party phase and getting involved with multiple guys. So what I am asking, is where do I go from here. How can I take the red pill and get into a mindset that will make her want to stay? I want to avoid divorce if possible. I can't control her or how she feels. All I can do is change myself, to make myself appealing again. Help me out here. I know I've been stupid and a beta. I lost my alpha self when we got married. I've tried buying in all the conventional, feminist driven ways to make this marriage work, but made her lose respect for me in the process. So how do I go about changing? -Obviously, start working out again. -Continue with new clothes, cologne, etc -Stop caring who she talks to? As to be not as needy and controlling? For example, if she wants to go out for a girls night out at a bar, do I let her go and trust her fully (even though she doesn't deserve it) and show that it doesnt bother me? I feel like resistance would just result in her resenting me more. What do I do in this situation? -Start saying no. Like money, which is an issue for us. Start trying to control the money more? She is terrible with money and will spend spend spend like no other. All on herself of course. and out of the joint account. -Stop buying her so many gifts? We talked about 5 love languages and her first one was gifts. I rarely spend my own money on myself, and buy her stuff. -Should I tell her that if she doesnt shape up, I'll leave her? This could backfire and lead to things ending. Part of me feels like she just wants me to end it so she can play victim. But a bold move like this would put the ball in her court. I suppose ultimately, at this point, I should not show fear that I'm going to lose her. If this move would end it, then I guess I would just have to get the **** over it and accept it for what it is. And move on with life with a new outlook. -Stop trying to talk about "us" so much and where we stand and how she feels... She is always short and this leads nowhere. Her actions speak louder than her lack of words. Should I just not bring "us" up, and let her come to me if she wants to talk? -Should I act like I care less? -Go out with my friends more with out her? -Should I flirt with other girls in front of her? Try to pull numbers? I know I need to act in a way that other girls want me. And she has to see that. I'm an attractive guy, extremely good at my job and have made rank fairly quickly, charasmatic and confident (since I have gotten over the insecurities of being cheated on). I used to pull girls regularly, it's just that I haven't tried in a long time. I've been in a married beta mindset. Shes out evaluating her SVM, and although I get female attention from time to time, I never entertain it. I guess what I am asking is, how far do I go with other females to show her I have options still? I know I'm capable of anything.

Thanks for reading, and any tips you have MOVING FORWARD for me are greatly appreciated. I want to buy into this mindset, this way of life, this reality that you guys have. I stopped playing the game a long time ago, but now I realize the game never stops even in marriage. I need to step my alpha game up and have a new mindset.

 

[amoka]

One cheating is too many. You only knew of the two after waking up....and now you want find a way for her to "get into a mindset that will make herwant to stay?"

Get DNA test of the kids and split because it is only getting worse from here onwards.

 

[scrumhalf]

she only cheated once, that i know of.

 

[ohrein]

****, man. That's a tough one. The problem is her respect for you is so low from years of being an AFC. It's going to be an incredible battle to get it back. IF she has any attraction left or is trying to stay for the kids you MIGHT be able to claw back some frame. But, it's a ****ing long shot at best. Whatever you do, I would talk to a lawyer and start preparing for the end because from what you've said it's likely. Be prepared NOW.

I'd attempt a hardcore reset of the relationship. Normally you'd go NC but as you're married, not gonna work. I'd cut back on communications a lot in person and would not initiate any text/calls with her for a while. I'd go on a break. This is going to suck for you, sorry. Control those emotions. Show NONE. She will probably **** other people. You need to at the very least give the impression you have a chance with girls she thinks are hotter than her, subtly. Facebook is great for this, get your mates to tag you in photos with girls. Don't upload them yourself - too transparent. Read this site and therationalemale about hypergamy/competition anxiety. She needs to feel the fear of losing you while you demonstrate SMV with hot women.

Any attempt to control her behavior by eliminating friends and stopping her from going out is only going to appear WEAK and CONTROLLING because you have ZERO frame.

From here, you cannot initiate any relationship talks. For this to work, she has to come back to you.

Most importantly, you can't go back to AFC. You have to now maintain this frame. This needs to be congruent with your personality. (This is why you are going to struggle). If she senses any weakness or gaps in your frame, the same thing will happen.

You did well putting a stop to her "friends" (who are these women kidding?) but unfortunately because you'd already lost frame (or never had it) it came from a place of weakness instead of strength. This only made things worse.

Not gonna lie, from what you've said you're looking at a low chance of success.

ALSO, I'd listen to some other advice before taking mine. I'm sure there's much better posters here who will have issues with my advice and probably have better advice.

 

[Desdinova]

Paragraphs are your friends

 

[ohrein]

Paragraphs are your friends

To be fair, he does have one at the end of the post.

 

[raider87]

Good post. If you stare at it long enough you can see the Mona Lisa.

 

[Prime_Beef]

1. Getta lawyer 2. Getta DNA test on the kids. Soon, time is not on ur side. 3. GTFO

 

[ZTIME]

I don't think that anyone here can help you unless you're willing to accept that walking away (divorce) is a viable option.

You working out, or getting new clothes, or making your wife jealous in an attempt to keep her seems like the wrong road....doesn't it?

If my girlfriend or wife got up and keyed my car because she hated the color; I'm not repainting it In hopes that she'll like the new color and never key my car again. No, I'm kicking her ass to the curb.

You have 2 little girls. Congratulations. Would you be a better role model to them as a single dad who respects himself, or as the guy who they constantly see being beat down by mommy while she frequently doesn't come home " because it's OK for mommy to fvck other guys"?

 

[BeExcellent]

Now just so you know I'm a woman giving you advice but I'm going to tell you the truth.

She has lost respect for you. You already know that. Love follows respect. Respect follows leadership. She can't follow if you don't lead. So your only way out is to start leading. Leading your life & leading your marriage. If she refuses to follow its over.

Pedestalizing her is a leadership failure. So stop. Divorce must be on the table in a real way. You need to sit her down and firmly discuss what is going to happen for the divorce, and you need to discuss this with an attorney as well.

If she cries you tell her firmly to stop. You tell her crying will not work, this is important and she needs to listen.

For you to have any chance to get your marriage back you must be willing to put your needs as a man first. Unequivocally. You have been disrespected and betrayed. If you want to change the dynamic YOU have to change it.

You cannot control her or what she does. If deep down she wants you & loves you then what I am going to say might give you a chance, but you must be absolutely prepared to leave.

You do control you. You can set boundaries and lay out a framework to reassert yourself as the leader in the marriage. Make a list of things you require for you to hold off on divorce. Such as:

Marriage Code of Conduct

1. No friends who are men
2. No friends who are lesbian
3. No going out drinking without you
4. She gives you all access to her phone, texts, social media,etc.
5. She asks your permission for any outing with anyone at all and she makes you aware of where she is and who she is with at all times.
6. If you say "No" she doesn't go. Period.
Etc.

Make the list according to what you REQUIRE for you to stay in the marriage. Have her sign it. Put a copy on the refrigerator or her dressing mirror (you of course keep the original).

These are non negotiable. Tell her the list is non-negotiable. If she balks, you walk. It's really that simple. If she agrees at first to follow your directives and then you catch her in a lie, you walk.

If she calls you controlling you say these are the circumstances or we divorce. It's very simple.

She may say OK then let's divorce.

If she plays ball by your rules you re-assess in 6 months, or 3, or when you get off the boat, whatever. And then you reaffirm the need for her to honor your list. You are going to have to actively enforce your vows for the foreseeable future.

If she complains now or ever you say it is unfortunate that her behavior made this necessary. If she refuses to be accountable for causing her end of the problems then it is unlikely to work. You also must own your past leadership failure. That contributed to some degree or other. It sounds like you are aware of your role. You must now be utterly prepared to leave.

She doubts you will ever leave, therefore you must be willing to leave for any infraction you deem a breach. Couch it to her in military terms. It's a performance contract. She is required to perform or you leave.

You must also lead sexually. Somewhere you quit doing this. If you want her, have her. Remind her why she wanted you sexually and be the master of your bedroom. Reward her sexually for compliance as well. As in you were a good girl, here you get to suck my ****, now.

You want her pursuing you sexually within the relationship. Women never leave a man they are working hard to pursue & keep.

That's it. Meanwhile take steps to protect your assets. If she makes the move to Chicago with you I'd see that a positive sign, but you still need to lead. Forever.

If she toes the line on your requirements, then you may be able to remove some line items and modify others after a few years. Some will be absolute forever.

Others will tell you different, but this is how to put her in the position of take it or leave it. If she takes it, you got a shot.

If not, the marriage was sunk anyhow.

Either way you have an answer & you can move on without wasting time.

Good luck.

 

[amoka]

Des, please delete his other post or merge the two somehow. He posted the same complain TWICE.

 

[Bible_Belt]

You don't have a marriage; you have a cheating contest. And you are getting blown out. I don't even think you're on the board yet. It's never going to be even if you don't start scoring.

 

[dustmuffin]

Go over to married red pill. Ask for advice there. As far as what I would suggest is divorce. She has no respect for you. No mater what you do she isnt going to play. She wants what she wants and you shi tlord will not stop her. My gut hurt after reading all of this disrespectful behavior. This fight may not be worth it. Fix yourself and find a new woman that you can start over with. The only way you will gain respect is walking away. Right now she s hits on you and you lap it up like a good boy.

 

[MrWood]

file for divorce, sorry
one time a cheater, possible to save if it really was a real mistake (bullsh1t)
but it is obvious that she has no respect nor sees you as a sexual object any longer
she will never see you the same as before
file for divorce

if it's any peace for you... I had my sons mother (wife) evicted from the home and held major custody after her infidelity, drinking and wh0ring ways.

 

[Atom Smasher]

OP, you should go back to your original post and insert some paragraphs. Why make us work so hard to read your story and offer help?

 

[YawataNoKami]

http://forum.mensdivorce.com//viewtopic.php?t=13374

Register and simplify your story. Read the list.

 

[sodbuster]

It's as done as blackened toast. MAYBE you can scrape some of the black off it and butter it and then eat it. But usually, you are better off starting off with a fresh piece of bread......

Be excellent has an excellent post. Follow it, if you want to try to scrape off the black.....