Long Distance vs. Close up

[Knight's Cross]

The jist of this story is I dated someone LD for about 1.5 years. Distance made things well....little romantic weekends of joy. After about 18-20 months we decided she'd quit her job and move here. Now that was a big step, for us both. I did my part, I networked for her, and found her a new position here in my city. We aren't talking working at Starbucks, we are talking a career slot that's right now part time bringing her over 90k, and will soon lead to 200+. She's a doc, and I'm a pilot. So money isn't the issue. The issue is that while you overlook certain flaws from afar, when you are up close they amplify.
In her previous home she had maid service. I hate maids. They usually work great for about a month and then they drop off service and you are left looking for a new one. So discovereth I the slovenly nature of my girlfriend. Constantly I'm tripping over stuff at night, and truth be told it's a issue.
Then the nagging has begun. In her estimation I've,"changed". No longer am I the boyfriend that does romantic gestures etc. Which isn't true. They were just encapsulated in weekends before. So if I summed it up I'm doing about the same, it's just spread out more thru the week.
Also I've discovered a flaw that I SHOULD have picked up on earlier. She keeps score. All transgressions of mine are catalogued, they are put in easy read access memory, and if ever a issue arises, they are brought out to bear. That one I've busted her on. If she feels it necessary to keep score and berate me with stuff I did 9 months ago, then we are done. Right now I'm not sleeping with her. My choice. I can't be affectionate to someone that pulls her crap. I've been blamed for her "poor decisions". Moving here, giving up a position at a practice where she was making more $, not having friends in this town, etc.
So, this morning I had the discussion with her. It's time we come up with a exit strategy. She brought out the crocodile tears, I didn't relent. I was emotionless. I basically explained that in a near future date she needs to move out. That date is soon to be determined. While she laments that she is,"poor". I know that to be false. She's not paying bills with me, has a much higher income to outgoing $ ratio, and can afford to move.
Guys all I can say is learn from me. What I should have done is told her months ago that if she wanted to move to be near me, cool. She could get a place on her own in the same town. Then I'd probably have had better eyes on the problems and not gotten into the entangled mess I'm in now.
I'm really at peace with all of this. I just hate to think that I'm snared to it for much longer. Better to pull the band-aid fast than to pull it slow. Unfortunately I Can't do that so quick.
KC

 

[Colossus]

Wow, tough break man. So you are calling it quits with her? Or just telling her to move out....it sounded like the former.

Personally I've never cohabitated with a woman I am seeing, and this is largely by design, although there were times when I would have done so. I read a LOT of threads around here about the pitfalls of cohabitation, enough to scare me straight, lol. A lot of people (non-sosuavers) make the argument that you need to live with someone if you plan on marrying them, but I say that's a cart of BS. To use your situation as an example, if she were to have gotten her own place close to you, you would have eventually figured this stuff out anyway---her being a slob, keeping score, etc.

 

[Slickster]

I had an ex gf who was a messy one. I lived with her and it drove me nuts too. There was one room in the house that I basically gave to her so she could store her sh!t. It ended up looking like an episode of hoarders in there. We broke up for a bit and found new places of our own and then somehow got back together for a little longer. I can remember going to her place and not wanting to sit on her toilet seat or touch anything in the bathroom because it was so gross. We broke up for other reasons but it taught me that I needed to find someone who had a similar values in the cleanliness department. No piggies for me.

In regards to keeping score I think all women do that to some extent. The negatives she is holding onto will only come out if things are going poorly. So I would say that your problems stem from something else. The score keeping is just an indicator of problems elsewhere.

Moving to a new city to be with someone is a tough one no matter how you cut it. Even if she did have her own place she'd be feeling pretty stressed right now. It's a big test for any relationship so it's a little harsh to judge someone based on a small and stressful period of time.

However I've also heard it said that it's best to judge someone in times of trouble. You get to see their true character.

Good luck.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear KC,
Any moment now Rollo will post his advice on cohabiting....I agree with him and with Collossus...Unless you contemplate having Children or through a break down in health,are somewhat dependant.Why would you surrender your personal freedom?and for what?.....And don't think the answer is more Svex,that's the first casualty of moving in together....No never let them get their knees under your table.

 

[jophil28]

The jist of this story is I dated someone LD for about 1.5 years. Distance made things well....little romantic weekends of joy. After about 18-20 months we decided she'd quit her job and move here. Now that was a big step, for us both. I did my part, I networked for her, and found her a new position here in my city. We aren't talking working at Starbucks, we are talking a career slot that's right now part time bringing her over 90k, and will soon lead to 200+. She's a doc, and I'm a pilot. So money isn't the issue. The issue is that while you overlook certain flaws from afar, when you are up close they amplify.
In her previous home she had maid service. I hate maids. They usually work great for about a month and then they drop off service and you are left looking for a new one. So discovereth I the slovenly nature of my girlfriend. Constantly I'm tripping over stuff at night, and truth be told it's a issue.
Then the nagging has begun. In her estimation I've,"changed". No longer am I the boyfriend that does romantic gestures etc. Which isn't true. They were just encapsulated in weekends before. So if I summed it up I'm doing about the same, it's just spread out more thru the week.
Also I've discovered a flaw that I SHOULD have picked up on earlier. She keeps score. All transgressions of mine are catalogued, they are put in easy read access memory, and if ever a issue arises, they are brought out to bear. That one I've busted her on. If she feels it necessary to keep score and berate me with stuff I did 9 months ago, then we are done. Right now I'm not sleeping with her. My choice. I can't be affectionate to someone that pulls her crap. I've been blamed for her "poor decisions". Moving here, giving up a position at a practice where she was making more $, not having friends in this town, etc.
So, this morning I had the discussion with her. It's time we come up with a exit strategy. She brought out the crocodile tears, I didn't relent. I was emotionless. I basically explained that in a near future date she needs to move out. That date is soon to be determined. While she laments that she is,"poor". I know that to be false. She's not paying bills with me, has a much higher income to outgoing $ ratio, and can afford to move.
Guys all I can say is learn from me. What I should have done is told her months ago that if she wanted to move to be near me, cool. She could get a place on her own in the same town. Then I'd probably have had better eyes on the problems and not gotten into the entangled mess I'm in now.
I'm really at peace with all of this. I just hate to think that I'm snared to it for much longer. Better to pull the band-aid fast than to pull it slow. Unfortunately I Can't do that so quick.
KC

Hey KC. I often wondered how you and the Doc were getting along- now I know.
Man, that endless blame shifting that women practise gets right up my azz too.

Stay posting, OK ?

 

[Knight's Cross]

Thanks for the replies all. Yeah, I don't need Rollo firing up a maxim on me. I know, I know. I didn't move her in for more sex, I did it because I thought it'd work. The only plus I can see is I have grown a pair, and if it isn't working am moving on with life. Her market value as a woman is diminishing, and honestly she needs a Herb. She wants a Alpha and I am a workaholic, achieving mo-fo, but she also wants a guy to fawn over her. More and more I realize that career women, read doctor, lawyer, corporate ladder climbers are not my tea. Every time I've tried that route it's fun for awhile....sure we can fly off to St. Lucia for 4 days, but we are also each working 60+ a week. It gets into a battle each and every time. They want wine and dine 24/7 yet what Alpha can provide that, and why the F would he.
KC

 

[Knight's Cross]

Update, well told her to move into spare bedroom, and she has 30 days to vacate. I'm not being a complete dousch about this. However the crocodile tears started last night. That was after I found she was looking for a place to move to for the last couple of weeks. So she can plan exit, not tell me, and then put on a tearfest when I tell her she needs to move. Never underestimate the power of their agenda. Thanks to what I have learned in life, I didn't back down, wasn't a jack a$$, and politely told her goodnight. We discussed some things last night. I kept getting blamed with the whole, "you've changed" charge. I'm not as affectionate, loving, etc".(Her words) Ahh well, told her that if she needed that thought to get thru this, feel free to use it. I know better.
Other than that BS, my life is moving full throttle, I negotiate friday for what I know will be a substantial upgrade in pay, am flying one of the worlds newest aircraft, and am at the gym 4-5 times a week working weights and cardio. Life's not too shabby~
KC