Long distance challenge!

[TheBroccoli]

End of December I’ve met this girl from the USA when I was abroad for a while (I’m from the Netherlands). We hooked up a couple of times and then our ways separated again. She was on a short holiday. About her: she is an amazing girl, but not the typical smoke show. Still attractive though and probably gets enough attention. Since then we’ve had a lot of contact on Messenger and Skype. She said she would visit me, but not earlier then October: end of summer she is going to live abroad for a year which would make it easier for her to visit me. I started pushing for an earlier visit in the States. I got wishy-washy excuses why I couldn’t come over (she was probably seeing someone else). I had a needy and approval seeking mind set. After that I feared I was never going to see her anymore. Started pursuing more, did all the initiating and ended up in the dreaded friend-zone.

Since then I’ve started reading Corey Wayne 3% men and Mark Manson Models. I told her I wasn’t interested in being friends and that she should text me when she changed her mind. I laid back and a few weeks later she initiated contact again. I’m applying the stuff I read, so little texting, setting a skype date and polarizing her. It’s hard to build attraction on Skype, but it’s all I can do before I see her again. During the video chat she did bring up us getting together again in October and there was chemistry. She also told me I should let her know if I got the job (going to a job interview this week). My plan is to go to Canada for a holiday to visit some friends I met during my travels. She doesn’t live far away and I’m hoping to meet up with her for a weekend (she still has to work during the week).

My questions for the more experienced womanizers here:


- How do I continue from here? I’m still in repair mode for the needy **** I did the first month. Do I hang back and hope she’ll start wondering about me? Do I text her after the job interview? Or should I still let her do all of the initiating?

- How do I set/bring up this appetizer reunion without coming across as weak? I won’t and don’t want to wait till ****ing October. What if I again get excuses, how should I react?

- Because of my previous behaviour she probably just sees me as backup for some potential fun for later. She assumes I’m in the bag anyway, so no challenge there. How do you change this without masking your true intentions?

 

[marmel75]

You don't. If either of you visit the other country then by all means get together but as far as long distance relationship? Doomed to fail and you'll be spending a lot of time worrying about things you shouldnt be. If you can't bang her you cant be in a relationahip with her. Simple as that.

 

[TheBroccoli]

You don't. If either of you visit the other country then by all means get together but as far as long distance relationship? Doomed to fail and you'll be spending a lot of time worrying about things you shouldnt be. If you can't bang her you cant be in a relationahip with her. Simple as that.

Yea but just find it really hard to let her go. I've tried, but it's difficult. If she really would be my type I'd go for it since I'm open to the idea of living and moving abroad. She's dangling the visit to my country in front of my face, so that makes it extra hard. I have a scarcity mindset now, normally I have no problem hooking up or finding new women. But it seems like she stole my mojo! It's as if I'm trapped in a loop: to get over her I have to meet new women -> that fails because I'm emotionally way too much invested in someone else -> those failures only enforce my feelings for her. Rinse, recycle, repeat.

 

[marmel75]

Yea but just find it really hard to let her go. I've tried, but it's difficult. If she really would be my type I'd go for it since I'm open to the idea of living and moving abroad. She's dangling the visit to my country in front of my face, so that makes it extra hard. I have a scarcity mindset now, normally I have no problem hooking up or finding new women. But it seems like she stole my mojo! It's as if I'm trapped in a loop: to get over her I have to meet new women -> that fails because I'm emotionally way too much invested in someone else -> those failures only enforce my feelings for her. Rinse, recycle, repeat.

Its easy. Start dating and banging other women. These feelings are there because you are optionless.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Long Distance doesn't work.

If shes further than an hour drive, or 2 hour via train, it won't work. And even that is stretching it.

 

[sph21]

How do I continue from here?

Stop right now. This relationship is not going to work. You're on a completely different side of the world than hers. It's easy to be an AFC in this situation.

About 3 years ago, I had an option to make a girl who lives 700 km (435 miles) away from me to be my girlfriend. She lives in Bali and she's rich. I didn't take it.

A healthy relationship needs physical presence. If you're the one who is willing give in your life for her (by moving closer to her), then you're showing severe desperation in front of her.

You are already desperate by considering this relationship with her. This desperation will manifest in many forms and in the end it will further damage your self-confidence.

ended up in the dreaded friend-zone.

It's over. You are her orbiter right now. You've fallen to her trap. Her sweet words keep you around while she still be validated by your attentions without her doing anything special, which is action. You will be wasting lots of time and money if you keep pursuing her.

that fails because I'm emotionally way too much invested in someone else

This is because you haven't got a lot of experiences with women. Once you understand how these whole dynamics work, it will be easier to let her go. Date more. You'll know that she's nothing special.

 

[TheBroccoli]

Thanks for the replies, even though I didn't get an answer to the questions I asked. I will try to move on.

 

[lizardking82]

I stopped reading at "Long distance".

 

[Spaz]

Long distance doesn't work in any relationship.

Even newly married couples will drift apart when separated by distance.

Plenty of girls around you, go talk to them, I'm sure some will fancy you and would attempt to seduce you covertly, watch for the signals and practice ur new found skills.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Years ago I was set to attend medical school in Europe. Along the way I met a dashing Hungarian through a medical conference. Both of us got swept up into this romantic notion that we were going to have this incredible romance and love story . This was pre cell phone so it was letters, landline calls (which were extremely expensive), and colleagues as couriers of messages back and forth. There were a couple trips to visit along the way. But I decided against attending medical school in the end and there was no way to have a LDR between Budapest and the US. And my beau already expected me to move in with him and assume the domestic duties, and meet each others' families straight away and head down a marriage oriented path. He was a sexy, ambitious, dashing, masculine man. But he had SERIOUS oneitis. The idea of that serious of a relationship right out of the gate with someone I didn't have proximity to and didn't know particularly well scared me to death (and rightly so). So I broke things off and that was that.

You have to be a pragmatist. There are good women in closer proximity to you.

Even now I am dating someone that I am separated from on a regular basis for a week or two at a time because of my responsibilities to my children and my businesses. I am there with the boyfriend as much as I am away, but when we are apart it is hard not to have that proximity. And I think it is harder for him than for me. Because of the LDR portion of the relationship I have to be realistic that things could go sideways at any time. So does he. The only way something like that survives is by keeping a practical attitude about it and by enjoying the present and the moments together for what they are. But it is not easy and I generally don't think LDRs are a good idea.

 

[TheBroccoli]

Advice from the old lady:

Years ago I was set to attend medical school in Europe. Along the way I met a dashing Hungarian through a medical conference. Both of us got swept up into this romantic notion that we were going to have this incredible romance and love story . This was pre cell phone so it was letters, landline calls (which were extremely expensive), and colleagues as couriers of messages back and forth. There were a couple trips to visit along the way. But I decided against attending medical school in the end and there was no way to have a LDR between Budapest and the US. And my beau already expected me to move in with him and assume the domestic duties, and meet each others' families straight away and head down a marriage oriented path. He was a sexy, ambitious, dashing, masculine man. But he had SERIOUS oneitis. The idea of that serious of a relationship right out of the gate with someone I didn't have proximity to and didn't know particularly well scared me to death (and rightly so). So I broke things off and that was that.

You have to be a pragmatist. There are good women in closer proximity to you.

Even now I am dating someone that I am separated from on a regular basis for a week or two at a time because of my responsibilities to my children and my businesses. I am there with the boyfriend as much as I am away, but when we are apart it is hard not to have that proximity. And I think it is harder for him than for me. Because of the LDR portion of the relationship I have to be realistic that things could go sideways at any time. So does he. The only way something like that survives is by keeping a practical attitude about it and by enjoying the present and the moments together for what they are. But it is not easy and I generally don't think LDRs are a good idea.

Thanks for the advice, that's a practical story. Yea I'm suffering from oneitis as well, although I know enough to hide that from her lol. So I really should meet new women, I know that. But she is giving me hope by referring to her visit to my country now and then (I don't bring it up). I wouldn't want a LDR actually, I'd be willing to move because the idea to live abroad appeals to me. But yea, I can't build anything with her because we are out of each others realms. Can't date her properly. It's frustrating because although I have some anxiety approaching women, generally the women I do date fall in love with me. Somehow that comes natural to me. Dating itself is a piece a cake for me, setting them up is a different story for some reason.

 

[Reykhel]

Advice from the old lady:

Years ago I was set to attend medical school in Europe. Along the way I met a dashing Hungarian through a medical conference. Both of us got swept up into this romantic notion that we were going to have this incredible romance and love story . This was pre cell phone so it was letters, landline calls (which were extremely expensive), and colleagues as couriers of messages back and forth. There were a couple trips to visit along the way. But I decided against attending medical school in the end and there was no way to have a LDR between Budapest and the US. And my beau already expected me to move in with him and assume the domestic duties, and meet each others' families straight away and head down a marriage oriented path. He was a sexy, ambitious, dashing, masculine man. But he had SERIOUS oneitis. The idea of that serious of a relationship right out of the gate with someone I didn't have proximity to and didn't know particularly well scared me to death (and rightly so). So I broke things off and that was that.

You have to be a pragmatist. There are good women in closer proximity to you.

Even now I am dating someone that I am separated from on a regular basis for a week or two at a time because of my responsibilities to my children and my businesses. I am there with the boyfriend as much as I am away, but when we are apart it is hard not to have that proximity. And I think it is harder for him than for me. Because of the LDR portion of the relationship I have to be realistic that things could go sideways at any time. So does he. The only way something like that survives is by keeping a practical attitude about it and by enjoying the present and the moments together for what they are. But it is not easy and I generally don't think LDRs are a good idea.

Interesting.

I was in a 3 year relationship with a Hungarian girl. Not from Budapest, from a few hours outside, the country I suppose. Probably the second best looking girl that I was with. I like girls with long legs and flat stomachs.....this girl had huge tits on top of that etc etc etc We overcame the language barrier and all that, mainly both of us were in a country that the language was different than ours.....so, when you're in Rome...you speak the language you are in.......didn't stop us.

Three years, even visited Hungary several times with her.......met the family. What went wrong? two things: 1) I focused on her looks and overlooked her flaws/red flags........stunning looking girl who had really high interest (those red flags though...............they were there.......)
2) I had to nip to another country for a few months for work reasons..........it was like six months but with visits. But it proved to much for my girl that on reflection had very little integrity.......and trying a long distance....even when you are in an established relationship.........is a huge ask...............not completely impossible......but screen that girl.

 

[Black Sunshine]

I stopped reading at "Long distance".

lol