I can't believe I'm posting on this board again! It's been a few years since I left because I had become involved in a great relationship, due lin arge part to the advice I got here. I hope the advice is as good as it used to be, because my relationship has recently hit a big bump: long distance. I need some outside perspective, so please let me know what you how you think I should handle this situation!
The Background
I have been dating "Lacy" exclusively now for almost two years, and somewhat seriously for about five months before that. At the beginning of my senior in college, we became serious and started dating exclusively. The relationship to this point has been fantastic and I have no complaints. Lacy is a kind, loving, considerate, honest, and fun person. After I graduated, I got a position with a nonprofit in town which I hoped would pad my resume befor applying to law school while also allowing me to continue dating Lacy, since she was a year behind me in school.
The past year has been great, and this spring Lacy graduated from college. Unfortunately, she took a job in a different city. She had lived in our college town her entire life and having gone to university there as well, she was ready to get out! I completely understood her desire, and the job she was offered was an excellent one. Although at the time I considered asking her to stay with me, I was not certain enough of our relationship to do so. I love Lacey to death, but I feel that if I asked her to give up her dream of a job in a different city, I would be suggesting that marriage was in our future. I can see myself with Lacey permanently, but I'm not ready for marriage yet and I wouldn't ask for such a sacrifice from her unless I was.
At anyrate, I was accepted into several lawschools, one of which is in the city she will be working. However, I had also gotten into the law school of our alma matter, which was a slightly better school that was more in line with my career goals (region, placement, etc.). It was a really tough decision, but I knew that staying put and going to law school here was best for my future. We were both really torn up about it, but we knew that each of us had a made the decision that was best for ourselves.
Since Lacey and I still loved each other very much, we wanted to keep dating. However, Lacey had had a bad experience with long distance before, and was understandably hesitant. I was also worried because I feel that I haven't dated enough to be able to give up my freedom to a long distance relationship. We decided that the best solution was to keep dating each other, long distance, but not exclusively. We could date other people, but if either of us got serious or had sex with someone else, then we would end our relationship.
At the time, this seemed the best solution to a crappy situation. Lacey left town in early June, and I am still here finishing up my job with the nonprofit before I start law school in the fall.
The Problem
Although I knew long distance would be tough, I really didn't know until she actually moved away. It's only been a month and I am really missing her! I see cute girls and although I'd like to ask them out, I'm not really motivated. This is good in the sense that it means I'm still in love with Lacey, but bad because I'm not taking advantage of an opportunity!
At anyrate, my current problem is my contact with Lacey. When she first moved, we talked everyday, usually for two hours or so. This was mainly because she had a two week period before she started her job, and had plenty of free time. Since my job is low key and I'm finishing it up, I have plenty time on my hands and am almost always available to talk to her. Two weeks ago, she started her job and we have been talking much less.
She's very busy and works long hours, and since she's in a timezone that's an hour ahead of me, our schedules don't often match. As a result, she is the one who calls me 95% of the time. Despite this, the first week after she started her job, we still talked everyday for about an hour. However, over the last week (and in particular, this past weekend) we have talked much less. Our phone calls lasted about half an hour each night, and this past weekend we probably only talked for about an hour for the whole weekend!
I know this sounds incredibly lame and that I am whipped, but I understand that we are not dating exclusively and thus I have no real claim to her time. It'd be unfair of me to say, "We aren't talking enough; I deserve more". However, that's how I feel! Our conversations have gotten shorter and she almost always calls me at the end of the day, right before she goes to bed, and she's understandably tired from a long day. Yet this makes me feel like she only gives me the scraps of her time. If she can only talk for half an hour, why can't she call me right after work when she is still alert? I don't need to have tons of conversation time, but I hate feeling like I'm keeping her up at night to talk. I want her to get her rest and it makes me feel guilty when she calls me right before she goes to bed, because then I'm keeping her from going to sleep!
The simple fact is, I really lovey Lacy and it's important for me to talk to her. Yet how can I get her to make our conversations more of a priority without sounding needy? Should I ask her to block off a designated chunk of time for me, even if it's only once a week? Should I ignore some of her phone calls and thus make myself less available? Should I simply tell her outright, "If you're going to call me, please don't do it exhausted. I'd rather put off the conversation to a time when you aren't so frazzled". Although that's certainly not how I feel (I love every minute we talk!), maybe playing some hardball would be good?
I don't want to play games with her, but I know being too open comes off as desperate, and if I make her feel guilty or try to control her, it will only drive her away. The real solution is for me to make myself more busy, so I spend less time waiting for her phone calls and also make my time more valuable to her. Lacey is a great girl and I know she still loves me to death, but I also know that my resentment will only hurt this relationship. I'd like to deal with this problem before it gets worse. What can I do?!?
Thanks for reading and I appreciate all advice!
The Background
I have been dating "Lacy" exclusively now for almost two years, and somewhat seriously for about five months before that. At the beginning of my senior in college, we became serious and started dating exclusively. The relationship to this point has been fantastic and I have no complaints. Lacy is a kind, loving, considerate, honest, and fun person. After I graduated, I got a position with a nonprofit in town which I hoped would pad my resume befor applying to law school while also allowing me to continue dating Lacy, since she was a year behind me in school.
The past year has been great, and this spring Lacy graduated from college. Unfortunately, she took a job in a different city. She had lived in our college town her entire life and having gone to university there as well, she was ready to get out! I completely understood her desire, and the job she was offered was an excellent one. Although at the time I considered asking her to stay with me, I was not certain enough of our relationship to do so. I love Lacey to death, but I feel that if I asked her to give up her dream of a job in a different city, I would be suggesting that marriage was in our future. I can see myself with Lacey permanently, but I'm not ready for marriage yet and I wouldn't ask for such a sacrifice from her unless I was.
At anyrate, I was accepted into several lawschools, one of which is in the city she will be working. However, I had also gotten into the law school of our alma matter, which was a slightly better school that was more in line with my career goals (region, placement, etc.). It was a really tough decision, but I knew that staying put and going to law school here was best for my future. We were both really torn up about it, but we knew that each of us had a made the decision that was best for ourselves.
Since Lacey and I still loved each other very much, we wanted to keep dating. However, Lacey had had a bad experience with long distance before, and was understandably hesitant. I was also worried because I feel that I haven't dated enough to be able to give up my freedom to a long distance relationship. We decided that the best solution was to keep dating each other, long distance, but not exclusively. We could date other people, but if either of us got serious or had sex with someone else, then we would end our relationship.
At the time, this seemed the best solution to a crappy situation. Lacey left town in early June, and I am still here finishing up my job with the nonprofit before I start law school in the fall.
The Problem
Although I knew long distance would be tough, I really didn't know until she actually moved away. It's only been a month and I am really missing her! I see cute girls and although I'd like to ask them out, I'm not really motivated. This is good in the sense that it means I'm still in love with Lacey, but bad because I'm not taking advantage of an opportunity!
At anyrate, my current problem is my contact with Lacey. When she first moved, we talked everyday, usually for two hours or so. This was mainly because she had a two week period before she started her job, and had plenty of free time. Since my job is low key and I'm finishing it up, I have plenty time on my hands and am almost always available to talk to her. Two weeks ago, she started her job and we have been talking much less.
She's very busy and works long hours, and since she's in a timezone that's an hour ahead of me, our schedules don't often match. As a result, she is the one who calls me 95% of the time. Despite this, the first week after she started her job, we still talked everyday for about an hour. However, over the last week (and in particular, this past weekend) we have talked much less. Our phone calls lasted about half an hour each night, and this past weekend we probably only talked for about an hour for the whole weekend!
I know this sounds incredibly lame and that I am whipped, but I understand that we are not dating exclusively and thus I have no real claim to her time. It'd be unfair of me to say, "We aren't talking enough; I deserve more". However, that's how I feel! Our conversations have gotten shorter and she almost always calls me at the end of the day, right before she goes to bed, and she's understandably tired from a long day. Yet this makes me feel like she only gives me the scraps of her time. If she can only talk for half an hour, why can't she call me right after work when she is still alert? I don't need to have tons of conversation time, but I hate feeling like I'm keeping her up at night to talk. I want her to get her rest and it makes me feel guilty when she calls me right before she goes to bed, because then I'm keeping her from going to sleep!
The simple fact is, I really lovey Lacy and it's important for me to talk to her. Yet how can I get her to make our conversations more of a priority without sounding needy? Should I ask her to block off a designated chunk of time for me, even if it's only once a week? Should I ignore some of her phone calls and thus make myself less available? Should I simply tell her outright, "If you're going to call me, please don't do it exhausted. I'd rather put off the conversation to a time when you aren't so frazzled". Although that's certainly not how I feel (I love every minute we talk!), maybe playing some hardball would be good?
I don't want to play games with her, but I know being too open comes off as desperate, and if I make her feel guilty or try to control her, it will only drive her away. The real solution is for me to make myself more busy, so I spend less time waiting for her phone calls and also make my time more valuable to her. Lacey is a great girl and I know she still loves me to death, but I also know that my resentment will only hurt this relationship. I'd like to deal with this problem before it gets worse. What can I do?!?
Thanks for reading and I appreciate all advice!
