LJBF'd could I have handled it different?

[Johnnyventana]

Yes, and seriously do not chase. Go away. You contacted her. Your part is done. She probably feels like queen b for the time being. Let that feeling slowly leave her when she realizes your not chasing/contacting like a puppy dog.

 

[Chickfight]

I agree. withdraw attention for now. Why didn't you ask her to come over when you called?

 

[seymour butts]

Update.

After three days without contact, she sends me a text.

Her: Working hard?
Me: Nope! I called in sick to go to my friend's birthday party tomorrow haha. What are you up to?
Her: Ooh nice! I'm at work unfortunately. Two more evenings then I'm off Monday Tuesday.
Me: Cool. I've got those two off as well.
Her: Nice. I'm bored out of my mind. Tell me something interesting.
Me: Haha I'm kind of busy writing a paper that's due Monday. How about you give me a call on your days off so we can tell each other interesting things in person?
Her: Okay okay. Good luck!

I'm not really asking advice because I'm not going to start investing any effort into her unless she actually ends up calling me next week. I just thought it would be nice to keep you guys updated since I got such good advice in this thread. Cheers!

 

[Chickfight]

Sounds pretty good, nice job avoiding getting sucked into a huge text convo.

Her: Nice. I'm bored out of my mind. Tell me something interesting.

This is basically a sh!t test. "I'm bored! That's the only time I'll talk to you. Entertain me for a bit monkey, until I get tired of you and become distant again!" It's very good you blew that off.

I wouldn't have said "call me", which puts it in her hands. I'd have said "I'll call you", but not said when.

That's just small potatoes though. You did good. I can pretty much guarantee she won't call, but text you instead, trying to draw you into that game again. I'd just ignore the text and call her later that evening saying you didn't see it. Then ask her to COME OVER BRO. Just do it. Say "why don't you come over and we can geek out to [some movie]". Don't ask her on a "date". She has a boyfriend. Ask her to come over!

Let me know how it turns out.

 

[Igetit!]

Update.

After three days without contact, she sends me a text.

Her: Working hard?
Me: Nope! I called in sick to go to my friend's birthday party tomorrow haha. What are you up to?
Her: Ooh nice! I'm at work unfortunately. Two more evenings then I'm off Monday Tuesday.
Me: Cool. I've got those two off as well.
Her: Nice. I'm bored out of my mind. Tell me something interesting.
Me: Haha I'm kind of busy writing a paper that's due Monday. How about you give me a call on your days off so we can tell each other interesting things in person?
Her: Okay okay. Good luck!

I'm not really asking advice because I'm not going to start investing any effort into her unless she actually ends up calling me next week. I just thought it would be nice to keep you guys updated since I got such good advice in this thread. Cheers!

LOL.....Seymour,Seymour,Seymour......:crackup:


Well what can I say? I mean that's what women do,they play guys for suckers if they can.


You DO realize that this girl just got over on you,don't you?

In essense,she won. She got what she wanted. You don't even seem to realize what just happened in that text exchange you had with her.



Going back to the title of this thread about the way you handled her LJBF attempt,yeah,you did well. I was IMPRESSED at how you responded to her when you said....

Me: We can't be friends because pretending that I don't want more is just as dishonest and shallow as if I was leading you on just to get a ****. But I'm not here to negotiate. Here's an invitation to get to know me and see what happens. Accept it or reject it just don't half ass it by offering friendship.

But you know what? As POWERFUL as that reply was,this texting exchange you just had just UNDID all that.


It's said on this forum OVER AND OVER AGAIN..."Go by what a woman DOES, not by what she says.",right?



Well look at YOUR WORDS (in how you responded to her LJBF attempt) versus WHAT YOU DID in response to her texting you.


You CONTRADICTED yourself. You said,"We can't be friends because pretending that I don't want more is just as dishonest and shallow as if I was leading you on just to get a ****."



You told her that you and her can't be friends,then after telling her that you two can't be friends,you had a texting conversation with her asking her what she was up to,you two discussing your days off,and YOU TELLING HER to call you on your days off. So I was just wondering.....since you said all that to her,does that mean the "We can't be friends" thing you said to her earlier is now out the window?

Because if that's what SHE THINKS,you can't blame her for thinking so.


You cancelled out your "We can't be friends" speech BY YOUR ACTIONS (the texting exchange).



She went right on acting and behaving as if your "we can't be friends" monologue NEVER HAPPENED.........and so did YOU.



So now what? You got YOURSELF in a catch-22 here. If you try to go back to the "We can't be friends" thing,you're going to end up looking like you're bi-polar,like you're crazy or something because of all the flip-floppong.


If you continue like you did in the texting exchange,you're likely friendzone bound because she still has a boyfriend.


Wow,what a cliffhanger.



If nothing changes,then I guess she got what she wanted. She still has her boyfriend to sleep with,and she still has her friend (you) to talk to. So if the two of you are happy with the status quo,then I guess that's all that matters.

 

[seymour butts]

I wouldn't have said "call me", which puts it in her hands. I'd have said "I'll call you", but not said when.

That was the idea. I've already put myself out there. If she is interested she will call, if not, I know to withdraw my attention for good.

If nothing changes,then I guess she got what she wanted. She still has her boyfriend to sleep with,and she still has her friend (you) to talk to. So if the two of you are happy with the status quo,then I guess that's all that matters.

I respectfully disagree. I was friendly but I never retracted my statements and I never agreed to be friends. I waited for her to contact me and then gave her an opening to see me again. Do you think I should have waited for her to leave the safety of her LTR to take a chance on me? That wasn't going to happen. I'm not expecting anything to come from this, but now there is room for something to happen.

If she doesn't call, next. If she calls but doesn't want to hang out, next. If she wants to hang out but rejects any sexual escalation, next. I will have lost nothing.

 

[mahoney]

I was friendly but I never retracted my statements and I never agreed to be friends.

if we are to judge girls by their actions and not their words should we not be surprised if they judge you by your actions and not your words?

 

[Ease]

That wasnt a Lets just be friends, that was a 'I might dump my boyfriend for you'. You handled this badly.

Here let me teach you how to make her wet,

Her: And how do you think I could get there lol. Plus my BF would kick your ass. OK maybe not cause he doesn't box or do martial arts...
Her: But no more funny business Mister. lol, we can just be friends.
Her: Therefore I can't see you when I drink.

Me: That sounds good, text me when the party ends so i can pick you up/walk you down. Strictly as friends.

You could not have hoped for a better response from a girl with a boyfriend.


Her: Ooh nice! I'm at work unfortunately. Two more evenings then I'm off Monday Tuesday.
Me: Cool. I've got those two off as well.
Her: Nice. I'm bored out of my mind. Tell me something interesting.

Me: I'm going to watch Die hard 3 on monday, you should come and watch it with me.

As if it wasn't enough, she basically sent you an invitation to ask her out! Saying 'im free on monday', followed by 'im so bored', are a girls way of asking you out. If you dont take the initiative then you dont deserve her!



You have missed amazing oppurtunities here. Stop trying to say the right things, you dont need to say anything! She was trying her hardest to get you to take her away. The second text exchange especially, that is the kind of moment where you dive in and try your luck. That was terrible exchange.

 

[seymour butts]

Update.

It became clear that she wasn't going to cheat or leave her boyfriend for me. My initial plan was to just avoid contact with her but after this whole interaction I've decided that these hard line rules of nexting and no contact are kind of weird and childish so I withdrew my attention and just casually talked to her at work and had a few text exchanges.

Then she calls me last night and invites me to come hang out with her and two of her friends. Long story short I end up fingering and getting head from her friend and then as I was leaving I got her number.

This thread is no longer relevant, but there are so few happy endings on this forum so I thought I would let you guys know how everything turned out.

Lessons I have learned:
Always keep your cool.
No contact is not normal social behaviour for anything less than extreme or consistent disrespect.
If a cool girl just wants to be friends, that's okay.

 

[blueline]

Yeah dude, don't worry about being friends with girls. It's not a bad thing.

 

[PapiChulo]

Lessons I have learned:
Always keep your cool.
No contact is not normal social behaviour for anything less than extreme or consistent disrespect.
If a cool girl just wants to be friends, that's okay.

Disagree with the friends thing. It's only ok in some cases, and even then you don't decline but demonstrate with actions. Friends is used loosely here. NC is Ok, it's just a way of letting the other person to contact you, sometimes you don't even have a reason to contact a person in the first place.

 

[MurdocIsGod]

Me: We can't be friends because pretending that I don't want more is just as dishonest and shallow as if I was leading you on just to get a ****. But I'm not here to negotiate. Here's an invitation to get to know me and see what happens. Accept it or reject it just don't half ass it by offering friendship.

Handled terribly. When a girl has a boyfriend she goes on the backburner as a friend. She can still have interest in you but won't act upon it if she's a decent kind of girl. You seemed like a hurt child at the end in my opinion.

What would have been better would be to accept that she has a boyfriend. Not give her these "can't be friends" lines. Even if she didn't have a boyfriend to react like that is stupid because even if a girl "just wants to be friends", it's a different story when you have her alone and are physically escalating. If she stops you at THAT point that's different... But we all know how a girl can be like "no, I'm not having sex with you" and say it completely seriously, really mean it, then when you're making out with the girl at home and she's really into it, you go to take off her clothes and she doesn't even put up a fight.

In the case of this girl you simply have to accept she's taken and stick her on the backburner whilst you screw other girls.

 

[mahoney]

this type of NC rarely works because dudes don't really know why they are doing it...or more to the point, they haven't thought it thru and do it wrong

The problem with NC is this, the kind of dude that needs to go NC is usually the kind of dude that has a problem with overcontacting - so they swing from one extreme to the other (and then often can't hold out and go right back into overcontacting - sort of like the yo-yo relationship alcoholics have with drink), its kind of better to have a more normal level of contact with people instead of swinging between these extremes

the second problem is that if NC was to actually work, it should be to show that you are busy doing other exciting things and not having a big obsession with them, but too many dudes have this weird position that its somehow "punishing" the girl and she will come "crawling back" - which is kind of egotistical! and then dudes try and act cold and distant if the girl then does initiate contact - if the idea is to change things so you are not the one always contacting, thats not a great way to go about it, making it all weird if they do

Ultimately the main problem with NC is it makes you look like the kind of person that can't handle things and has a big drama about everything. the overcontacting dude is like the alcoholic in the drinks cabinet, and the NC dude is like the alcoholic at the AA meeting - and obviously they are the same person just at different times. its better not to be an alcoholic but have a normal relationship with alcohol where it doesn't control your life and you need a bunch of rules to control your access to it