LJBF situation complicated by my compassion

[46and2aheadofme]

God this thread should be bookmarked or placed in the bible or whatever.

PERFECT example of what not to do when a girl is treating you like a "boyfriend surrogate".

To the OP: reading that letter and her response was truly painful. It also "really really really" pissed me off reading her rationale for treating you the way she did.

Girls are way too good at stringing guys along and getting all the benefits. She knew fully well that you still wanted to fvck her despite what she said. I'm sure the other guys shes referring to are acquaintances and not "really close guy friends".

I hope you make no more advances on her. In fact you should get angry, and used that anger to never let something like this happen again. I think we have all been in the same boat and to read someone else going through it on a message board was nearly as bad for me as experiencing it.

BTW Kontroller and Tomassi hit the nail on the head. They are experts in this subject matter and you should follow whatever advice they give you regarding girls who act this way.

 

[Joe Stud]

I've been there man, it's rough...

FB: the bottom line is (as these fine gents have told you) INITIATE NO CONTACT. Try to downplay the "injured guy", and just adopt an attitude that you are too busy, and don't really care. You have plenty of friends already, and also have too many HB's who need your attention. Dig?

Look, if you need to "mini goal" yourself through this tough time... just tell yourself you are limiting contact with the outside chance that she will someday come to miss your sexiness & want you. If that's what it takes to avoid the totality & finality of ditching her.

Chase other plates... and (IF you need to wean yourself easily)... consider her like a savings bond that MIGHT surprise ya & mature someday. but don't wait.. get out there my friend!

 

[Daydream Engineer]

Listen to Kontroller X and Mr. Tommasi and take the No Contact Challenge. Trust me... you will be laughing in a couple weeks about her lol

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=160056&page=2

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Sorry FBPLAYER, but I think KONTROLLER was right, we didn't do you any favors by leaving without an actionable direction. Had I known you'd quote me verbatim with her I'd have told you to never communicate OVERTLY with a woman and particularly not this one. However, as this is what you've done, I'm going to suggest you NEXT her altogether.

Really, you don't have much choice, but just for sake of analysis let me make a few predictions here if you don't mind. Essentially what you've done here is OVERTLY and forcefully taken control of the relationship frame back from her. This is something she didn't expect and it wont sit well with her. I say that because from the context of her response to you she's accustomed to keeping a stable of 'guy friends' or orbiters that she CAN control the frame with and will gladly identify with her for the false promise of some kind of future sex or intimacy with her. Most likely they are like you were, rapt by her control of the frame, until you unplugged (from her anyway). Some people will call her an Attention Whoré, but honestly this isn't too uncommon for an attractive 19 y.o. girl who's used to having orbiters.

Now, I say it wont sit well with her because she's not accustomed to having a mirror held up so she can see her own reflection. This is exactly what you overtly did. So in order for her to get back to being comfortable with herself again she will have to regain some sense of your approval of her - and therefore bring you back into the "friendship compliance" again. Remember, attention is the coin of the realm in Girl World; they use it as a measure of status and self-worth, and the thought of losing what had been previously an assured approval and attention is a shot to her self-value. This is why declining a LJBF is so critical.

My prediction is that this girl will badger you with a slew of emails or contacts for a while in order to get you back on the orbiters list. You've disapproved of her - something she's not dealt with - and she'll want to know why. You've played your frame control retake overtly so there's no going back now, DO NOT give into the temptation of reconciling a friendship with her. This will only amplify you as being an indecisive, non-confident, waffler for her. Be the Jerk, it's OK. She needs to acknowledge that your pursuing her, and playing friends with her is no longer in your best interest. You need to get on with college and so does she, so it's best to part ways since, by her own admission, she couldn't be faithful in an LDR (which is another thread altogether). She'll trot out all kinds of rationales about how shallow you are for only considering her as a sex interest, and how all her other guy friends are "there for her", but it's all due to your honesty. She needs to know you have to remove yourself from her because you DON'T want to have her as a friend, you wanted her as a lover. If she cannot appreciate that, then there are other women who will. It's better to walk away from her now, on your feet, with some respect, than on your knees wondering why she decided to hook up with some new guy years from now and you're forced to reset your life according to her frame.

 

[fbplayer06]

Sorry FBPLAYER, but I think KONTROLLER was right, we didn't do you any favors by leaving without an actionable direction. Had I known you'd quote me verbatim with her I'd have told you to never communicate OVERTLY with a woman and particularly not this one. However, as this is what you've done, I'm going to suggest you NEXT her altogether.

Really, you don't have much choice, but just for sake of analysis let me make a few predictions here if you don't mind. Essentially what you've done here is OVERTLY and forcefully taken control of the relationship frame back from her. This is something she didn't expect and it wont sit well with her. I say that because from the context of her response to you she's accustomed to keeping a stable of 'guy friends' or orbiters that she CAN control the frame with and will gladly identify with her for the false promise of some kind of future sex or intimacy with her. Most likely they are like you were, rapt by her control of the frame, until you unplugged (from her anyway). Some people will call her an Attention Whoré, but honestly this isn't too uncommon for an attractive 19 y.o. girl who's used to having orbiters.

Now, I say it wont sit well with her because she's not accustomed to having a mirror held up so she can see her own reflection. This is exactly what you overtly did. So in order for her to get back to being comfortable with herself again she will have to regain some sense of your approval of her - and therefore bring you back into the "friendship compliance" again. Remember, attention is the coin of the realm in Girl World; they use it as a measure of status and self-worth, and the thought of losing what had been previously an assured approval and attention is a shot to her self-value. This is why declining a LJBF is so critical.

My prediction is that this girl will badger you with a slew of emails or contacts for a while in order to get you back on the orbiters list. You've disapproved of her - something she's not dealt with - and she'll want to know why. You've played your frame control retake overtly so there's no going back now, DO NOT give into the temptation of reconciling a friendship with her. This will only amplify you as being an indecisive, non-confident, waffler for her. Be the Jerk, it's OK. She needs to acknowledge that your pursuing her, and playing friends with her is no longer in your best interest. You need to get on with college and so does she, so it's best to part ways since, by her own admission, she couldn't be faithful in an LDR (which is another thread altogether). She'll trot out all kinds of rationales about how shallow you are for only considering her as a sex interest, and how all her other guy friends are "there for her", but it's all due to your honesty. She needs to know you have to remove yourself from her because you DON'T want to have her as a friend, you wanted her as a lover. If she cannot appreciate that, then there are other women who will. It's better to walk away from her now, on your feet, with some respect, than on your knees wondering why she decided to hook up with some new guy years from now and you're forced to reset your life according to her frame.

Yeah I knew full well quoting you verbatim and telling things to her so directly would be dangerous, but to be honest I really don't care anymore and I had to tell her how I felt. This will be the healthiest option for me in the long run even though she's going to b!tch about it in the mean time.

Thanks for your advice and efforts w/ responding.

 

[KontrollerX]

"Yeah I knew full well quoting you verbatim and telling things to her so directly would be dangerous, but to be honest I really don't care anymore and I had to tell her how I felt. This will be the healthiest option for me in the long run even though she's going to b!tch about it in the mean time.

Thanks for your advice and efforts w/ responding."

Heh heh that desire to "tell off" a girl is understandable when one is young and inexperienced but as you grow in experience you find that doing so is more harmful than helpful to your goals as a man.

The man that grows in experience learns that its better to beat a woman at her own stupid mind games which is done through covert communication and take aways rather than telling the girl off.

Telling the girl off never teaches her a lesson, it makes YOU feel better sure but it will never have the desired effect on a girl which of course would be to make her either rethink something, be sorry about something or change her ways.

Covert communication is done without words via your actions of either walking away from a girl for bad behavior or turning your attentions or sexuality towards another girl who is her enemy or close to her or just another girl in general and it is the best thing to trip a troublesome woman up because the female mind is actually our best weapon against women.

The female mind when met with a man's use of covert communication goes through all sorts of wild scenarios and illogical reasonings until the point the woman simply blames herself for what happened and this is the man's ultimate goal.

He wants the woman to be sorry for what she did whatever it was.

Well the only way to get a woman to be genuinely sorry is through using covert communication since it is the only language she understands.

Getting up in her face and telling her off or just telling her off with a scathing email once again is just going to make her blame you and not benefit you in any way other than making yourself momentarily feel good.

So I just thought I'd give you this piece of advice for your future fbiplayer.

Its all fine and dandy that you've told this woman off because you were still in your DJ learning phase and need to get that young guy AFC mentality out of your system but yes from now on for your future you should always be using covert communication with women to get your point across to them.

 

[RandallLambert]

In my opinion there was way too much emotion coming from you. Things like "I can't bear emotionally" etc etc... that's something a woman would say. I woman wants a man that can bear anything emotionally. Remember that.

I think you just need to accelerate. By that I mean you are moving so slowly in regards you realm of women that you're taking this one girl like the be all and end all of ladies. She is just one girl. Develop yourself and there will be many many others. Delete her number, don't contact her, and let that be that.

Next!

 

[fbplayer06]

So I just thought I'd give you this piece of advice for your future fbplayer.

Its all fine and dandy that you've told this woman off because you were still in your DJ learning phase and need to get that young guy AFC mentality out of your system but yes from now on for your future you should always be using covert communication with women to get your point across to them.

Thanks man..."covert communication" sounds powerful and it does make sense. I'll definitely use it in the future.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

It's important to remember women are far more adept at interpersonal communications than men realize they are. Studies have been done in regards to womens grasp of language and communications skills and evidence suggests that this is even an inborn ability. Men have rational skills that match these, but women can accurately infer communication from looks, (i.e. the 'dirty look') subcommunication and speech intonations that men in the same instance are unaware of. It's also important to understand that this skill is a passive one; meaning she does so without any real effort or recognition she's making communicative connections because of it at all times. That's not to say this ability goes unrecognized by women, quite the opposite actually. How often do men hear the 'feminine intuition' boast or about how men "just don't get it"? Most women take this as a point of pride - and a point that men can use to their advantage if they're clever and have an understanding of how this works.

Women have a natural preference to communicate covertly (dirty looks, inferences, innuendo, subtle language manipulations and physical presentations), but that's not to say that this doesn't break down into an overt communications (direct telling of intent, crying, vocal outbursts) when it serves them better. When I advocate communicating to a woman that you aren't exclusive with her you have to do so covertly. Overtly saying to a woman, "hey, we're not exclusive" or "other women find me irresistable" comes off with the obvious egotistical overtones and would most likely be met with an outright rejection (depending of course upon her self esteem). Women understandably abhor overt communication in this manner. But, if you can master a woman's covert form of communication and 'imply' with your behavior or 'infer' confidence from your speech that you are in demand and are someone for whom she should 'feel' she ought to be competing for, then you can set the balance for your relationship with her.

 

[pooparu]

I'm going to have to agree and disagree with some posters up here. You can have girl FRIENDS, but as others say you have to not be ****ing them, intending to **** them, or ACTUALLY over past feelings (which, were based on mostly your own concocted notions, a girl never acts the same to her BF as they do to any other guy which you wouldve foudn out later).


HOWEVER, I'm watching my AFC friend go through the same thing and I know EXACTLY what that girl meant when she explained it to you, because you are probably doing precisely what she is saying.

I laugh everyday and don't bother to explain to my friend anymore why trying to tell a girl that he can't hang out because he "cant bear it" (same thing you said LOL) and logically explaining it not only fails but makes you look like the weakest thing on earth. hearing him say that to her literally made me want to rip off my ears and hang myself. Like you, he's the same way, he'll tell her they can't hang out then a day or two later they'll be chilling and he'll get in a bad mood if she even alludes to her bf (or ex i dont really know or care I'm just friends with this girl) in a conversation with someone ELSE and get all pissy and weird.

You are acting weird and having mood swings. It is stupid of you to accuse it of being HER fault. I'm assuming, like my friend and others of us, that this girl probably isn't even giving you too many IoIs. I couldn't understand how people can get along so well and not like each other before I understood it, but now seeing my friend it's so obvious. Girls know if they'll **** you within the first few days (or rather hours, but usually that's spread out over a few days) of meeting you, and hanging with someone for two years thinking it'll "strengthen that bond" to the point of you two having sex is some movie ****. Of course she's pissed, like the girl I referred to when I was talking about my AFC friend, it's not like she told you that you would be wildly ****ing, at best she entertained one of your fantasies about you "possibly being someone she might fall in love with SOME day". TBH she was just trying to be nice, as bad as it sucks, the faster you realize this the quicker you'll get over this.

The same thing I told my friend I'll tell you. I went through this situation, but I actually decided to be friends with this girl and it CAN pay off if you stop being a ***** and get over her. Have her introduce you to her hot friends, a girl that's a best friend can be a lethal weapon in introducing you to other girls. If you can't get over your feelings cease all contact immediately or you will look like a ***** to yourself, her and especially your mutual friends who see it from afar, trust me.

 

[worship]

Girls know if they'll **** you within the first few days (or rather hours, but usually that's spread out over a few days) of meeting you

I keep hearing this but it sounds like utter bullsh1t.

The other way around seems more accurate:

Guys know if they'll **** a girl within the first few days (or rather instantly) of meeting you, judging by the woman's appearance obviously.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

This should be restated:

Women know within the first 5 minutes of meeting you if they WONT ƒuck you.

It's up to you to determine that and apply your effort to one who will.