I guess I have more to say on the principle of moving from LJBF to LFRN (I'm sure you can guess that one
.
You've heard it before. "It can't be done." "Okay, it can be done but it's usually not worth it." "Let it go."
But how not-worth-it is it? Well, I will TELL YOU how to get out of LJBF (providing it's possible) and set up obstacles in your way. So if you are that AFC seeking to get the girl of your dreams to stop thinking of you as a neutered cactus, then read on and try to persevere.
So: if you truly are in the friend zone AND have hope of getting out, do the following steps.
1....WAIT, STOP THE BUS. There are some PREREQUISITES!
0a. Decide if she is important enough for this. Now, most guys in the friend zone got there because they think that she is The One, so with this kind of thinking how would it be possible to not think she was important? The AFC in this situation would naturally come to me on hands and knees saying, Yes, cynetix, if there's anything I could do to get her...I will do it! Cook for you for a year? NO PROBLEM. Just tell me where to sign.
Good. You need to be willing to cook for me for a year (and if you can't cook, you'll have to learn!) because that's the kind of sacrifice to which you are committing. Actually, cooking is not even a CONTINUED EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT, so you're better off making meals for me.
Okay, of course we aren't talking about cooking literally. But if you don't have that kind of willingness, isn't that a sign that she is not important enough? Let me answer that for you: yes.
0b. Decide if ANYONE is important enough to you for this affair.
If I told you that there is someone better than her out there that you can get, how would you respond?
Response 1: You're right.
cynetix: Good answer! You win a shiny new freedom. Here're the keys.
Response 2: I know, but I don't think I can find/get whomever she is.
cynetix: So what you're saying is that she's the best you can do? That's cattle crap. You're playing the very rewarding video game of dating, and you finally managed after all these years to beat the first level before dying, and that satisfies you? My advice, my dear friend, is to work on that self-confidence. Fill your life with fun, not this same old self-pity!
Response 3: No, there is no one better.
cynetix: *reminisces* Hmm...I once thought that too. Okay, it's worth a shot.
I hope I have loosened, if possible, the idea that she is The One. If you don't
think she is, don't even bother trying.
0c. Look at the effect you have on her.
Don't spend too long on this one. Just ask yourself if she has the time of her life when she's with you. Do you make her truly happy? Happy because she's with you, and not because you buy her gifts or listen to her girly-talk? If not, stop here. It is not worth it.
0d. Examine your gut to find out if you have hope, a.k.a. What About Physical Attraction?
Of PARAMOUNT importance. Does she touch you naturally? Disregard what she has said, even if it seemed blatantly flirtatious or complimentary at the time. Look into your gut and ask yourself if she is attracted to you. You ALREADY KNOW. If you say "yes" but have a guilty feeling in your gut, it is probably no. You need to move on, brother.
So you've made it all the way to here, and I commend you. But you know, the hard work hasn't even started. So let's get going.
1. Cut her off. No phone calls, meetings, e-mails, messages, instant messages, or cutesy notes.
Cutting her off WILL ENSURE that she initiates contact with you sooner or later. If she doesn't, then she doesn't give a shìt.
If you see her on your normal schedule, do your best to avoid speaking with her. Even cut down on eye contact and warm smiling as much as you can without being an ass-hole about it. And see #2.
2. On your end, make sure your excuses are good and valid for why you haven't talked to her/seen her, when you finally do. By the way, you REALLY should be doing things like pursuing your own life and its hobbies and taking care of school/work. What the hell is the point of getting her if you don't even have a life?
3. This is where it gets complicated. You need to very vigilantly keep up a pattern FOR A WHILE where she does most of the initiating and you do too but very infrequently. The ratio of her initiating to your initiating will vary on your situation, but at the LEAST it should be 2 to 1, and there should be LONG gaps between the occasions you spend together.
When you do spend time together, it will be a balance between making sure she has a GREAT time (you can reminisce about old times, but not too much!), but don't draw it out.
Know this: you will think the game is over--that she likes you now, that she wants you now--but it is not!. Do not end the game here. You have sacrificed too much time to be running the foolish risk of ruining everything. It is possible that when you get enough signals you will think you have reached your goal. But I say that it is still very precarious, unless she straight-out tells you she wants to go to bed with you.
Keep it up longer. You may think the game is over time and time again. Keep it up until you are SURE.
Reading this, are you starting to fear that she will not give in? Realize: that fear = fear of lost girl. Everyone says this, and I will say it too: You Must Be Willing To Lose Her!
This is why there are all those prerequisites above. Not only must she be really worth your time, but your CONTINUED EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT in this affair must also be worth your time.
4. The holy grail, a.k.a. Her Warm Juices
Well, in some way or another there will be a reconciliation between the two of you. She might be fed up with your unresponsiveness, aloofness, unavailability and whatnot. She might be annoyed that you are always running out on the conversation and leaving her wanting more. She might even be pissed at you by now, and not just pretending to be pissed.
She must be pleading with you to spend time with her. She must be willing to show that she has missed you so incredibly. Believe me, you will know if she sees you differently than she did before. Her entire pattern of actions will be completely unrecognizable from what she used to do.
So now it begins. Ask her out on a date, as if it were the first time ever. Touch her lightly, use your eyes to tell her you want to devour her, and kis...
*the record falls off*
This is how far I have gotten. I cannot advise more because it would not be from my experience. But in two weeks I will let you know.
Good luck, gentlemen. This is a serious-sounding post, but I still remind you to have FUN with her! Be happy, alive, and confident. You need to adopt DJ mentality before you bother with any of this.
cynetix
[This message has been edited by cynetix (edited 01-26-2002).]
You've heard it before. "It can't be done." "Okay, it can be done but it's usually not worth it." "Let it go."
But how not-worth-it is it? Well, I will TELL YOU how to get out of LJBF (providing it's possible) and set up obstacles in your way. So if you are that AFC seeking to get the girl of your dreams to stop thinking of you as a neutered cactus, then read on and try to persevere.
So: if you truly are in the friend zone AND have hope of getting out, do the following steps.
1....WAIT, STOP THE BUS. There are some PREREQUISITES!
0a. Decide if she is important enough for this. Now, most guys in the friend zone got there because they think that she is The One, so with this kind of thinking how would it be possible to not think she was important? The AFC in this situation would naturally come to me on hands and knees saying, Yes, cynetix, if there's anything I could do to get her...I will do it! Cook for you for a year? NO PROBLEM. Just tell me where to sign.
Good. You need to be willing to cook for me for a year (and if you can't cook, you'll have to learn!) because that's the kind of sacrifice to which you are committing. Actually, cooking is not even a CONTINUED EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT, so you're better off making meals for me.
Okay, of course we aren't talking about cooking literally. But if you don't have that kind of willingness, isn't that a sign that she is not important enough? Let me answer that for you: yes.
0b. Decide if ANYONE is important enough to you for this affair.
If I told you that there is someone better than her out there that you can get, how would you respond?
Response 1: You're right.
cynetix: Good answer! You win a shiny new freedom. Here're the keys.
Response 2: I know, but I don't think I can find/get whomever she is.
cynetix: So what you're saying is that she's the best you can do? That's cattle crap. You're playing the very rewarding video game of dating, and you finally managed after all these years to beat the first level before dying, and that satisfies you? My advice, my dear friend, is to work on that self-confidence. Fill your life with fun, not this same old self-pity!
Response 3: No, there is no one better.
cynetix: *reminisces* Hmm...I once thought that too. Okay, it's worth a shot.
I hope I have loosened, if possible, the idea that she is The One. If you don't
think she is, don't even bother trying.
0c. Look at the effect you have on her.
Don't spend too long on this one. Just ask yourself if she has the time of her life when she's with you. Do you make her truly happy? Happy because she's with you, and not because you buy her gifts or listen to her girly-talk? If not, stop here. It is not worth it.
0d. Examine your gut to find out if you have hope, a.k.a. What About Physical Attraction?
Of PARAMOUNT importance. Does she touch you naturally? Disregard what she has said, even if it seemed blatantly flirtatious or complimentary at the time. Look into your gut and ask yourself if she is attracted to you. You ALREADY KNOW. If you say "yes" but have a guilty feeling in your gut, it is probably no. You need to move on, brother.
So you've made it all the way to here, and I commend you. But you know, the hard work hasn't even started. So let's get going.
1. Cut her off. No phone calls, meetings, e-mails, messages, instant messages, or cutesy notes.
Cutting her off WILL ENSURE that she initiates contact with you sooner or later. If she doesn't, then she doesn't give a shìt.
If you see her on your normal schedule, do your best to avoid speaking with her. Even cut down on eye contact and warm smiling as much as you can without being an ass-hole about it. And see #2.
2. On your end, make sure your excuses are good and valid for why you haven't talked to her/seen her, when you finally do. By the way, you REALLY should be doing things like pursuing your own life and its hobbies and taking care of school/work. What the hell is the point of getting her if you don't even have a life?
3. This is where it gets complicated. You need to very vigilantly keep up a pattern FOR A WHILE where she does most of the initiating and you do too but very infrequently. The ratio of her initiating to your initiating will vary on your situation, but at the LEAST it should be 2 to 1, and there should be LONG gaps between the occasions you spend together.
When you do spend time together, it will be a balance between making sure she has a GREAT time (you can reminisce about old times, but not too much!), but don't draw it out.
Know this: you will think the game is over--that she likes you now, that she wants you now--but it is not!. Do not end the game here. You have sacrificed too much time to be running the foolish risk of ruining everything. It is possible that when you get enough signals you will think you have reached your goal. But I say that it is still very precarious, unless she straight-out tells you she wants to go to bed with you.
Keep it up longer. You may think the game is over time and time again. Keep it up until you are SURE.
Reading this, are you starting to fear that she will not give in? Realize: that fear = fear of lost girl. Everyone says this, and I will say it too: You Must Be Willing To Lose Her!
This is why there are all those prerequisites above. Not only must she be really worth your time, but your CONTINUED EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT in this affair must also be worth your time.
4. The holy grail, a.k.a. Her Warm Juices
Well, in some way or another there will be a reconciliation between the two of you. She might be fed up with your unresponsiveness, aloofness, unavailability and whatnot. She might be annoyed that you are always running out on the conversation and leaving her wanting more. She might even be pissed at you by now, and not just pretending to be pissed.
She must be pleading with you to spend time with her. She must be willing to show that she has missed you so incredibly. Believe me, you will know if she sees you differently than she did before. Her entire pattern of actions will be completely unrecognizable from what she used to do.
So now it begins. Ask her out on a date, as if it were the first time ever. Touch her lightly, use your eyes to tell her you want to devour her, and kis...
*the record falls off*
This is how far I have gotten. I cannot advise more because it would not be from my experience. But in two weeks I will let you know.
Good luck, gentlemen. This is a serious-sounding post, but I still remind you to have FUN with her! Be happy, alive, and confident. You need to adopt DJ mentality before you bother with any of this.
cynetix
[This message has been edited by cynetix (edited 01-26-2002).]
