LJBF - Did i do the right thing?

wonderer

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Hey all,

So basically I got FZ'd recently and I know where it went wrong, I built up way too much comfort and was too available, also did stuff that I woulnt normally do. But I've learnt a great deal from the ordeal. I met this hb roughly 3 months ago and I thought things were going well.

Managed to kiss close her the first night we met and had basically been talking to her since then. So I guess there must of been attraction there atleast initially. We talked loads over text (yep mistake) and there was a lot of flirty banter and me devaluating her status making jokes about her etc. I'd seen her a few times as we both have a mutual strong interest in music so we went out and saw Dj's together, went for a drink before hand, couldnt really call this anything official but I was trying to kino escalate and game as best as I could and see where things lead.

Recently we were talking and she drops the bombshell in conversation that she had started seeing someone else. I was really surprised as I had been joking around with her that I was going to take her out and she was receptive. So a few days after she dropped this I asked is she was still up for a date. Her response: "gunna have to say no to the date part but we can still hang :)" I said we should just leave it then as theres no point in doing the friends thing if there are feelings there and to get back to me if she changes her mind. She said I shouldve told her sooner and she wouldve backed off, funny thing is she still tried to talk to me that day. Her offer for friendship was genuine as we had similar interests and we were always talking about going to various nights and seeing dj's, both our respective friend groups are **** for doing stuff like that so in my head im thinking maybe I shouldve kept her as a friend so we could do that. Theres been NC for a month. Have I dont the right thing?

Also if I do want to get with her how doesNC put me in a better position? I cant imagine her turning around one day and being "hey lets start going out".


Thanks
 

El Payaso

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Stop worrying about her. There are a million other girls out there who are far more interested in you. Invest your time in those women instead.
 

Uncharted

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Yup no contact is for you to move on, not to "get her back". Sometimes attraction has an expiration date and it looks like it's already passed.
 

wonderer

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She literally just asked me how I was after a month of no contact. What should I do? Is this an IOI? Am I looking into it to much? Should I ignore?
 

Black Widow Void

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NC is applied when there's been a degree of emotional investment between two people. This is nothing against you but because there was the absence of 'romantic' interaction, NC will not offer the same magnitude of result.

This is not to say that you may not be able to create interest. I'd take my time responding. When you do, say something like "keeping busy, but good busy" Then, add some playful way to crack on her, but in a way that shows that you are playful but nothing lengthy that indicates that you've invested a lot of effort. Also be inconsistent. Never respond quicker or with more length. Then say something like "nice talking to you." Then if there's no pull for you to respond, wait a few days and then engage but with light banter. If she seems receptive, then go for the "hang out." Be sure to be the first to "have to leave" if she's not giving indicators of interest. Most of all, remain (or come off as) calm and cool.

Good Luck!
 

Bokanovsky

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wonderer said:
Hey all,

So basically I got FZ'd recently and I know where it went wrong, I built up way too much comfort and was too available, also did stuff that I woulnt normally do. But I've learnt a great deal from the ordeal. I met this hb roughly 3 months ago and I thought things were going well.

Managed to kiss close her the first night we met and had basically been talking to her since then. So I guess there must of been attraction there atleast initially. We talked loads over text (yep mistake) and there was a lot of flirty banter and me devaluating her status making jokes about her etc. I'd seen her a few times as we both have a mutual strong interest in music so we went out and saw Dj's together, went for a drink before hand, couldnt really call this anything official but I was trying to kino escalate and game as best as I could and see where things lead.

Recently we were talking and she drops the bombshell in conversation that she had started seeing someone else. I was really surprised...
Really??? You've been seeing this girl for 3 months and haven't fvcked her yet...and then you are surprised that she started seeing someone else? What were you waiting for, Christmas?
 

Cremasta

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wonderer said:
I said we should just leave it then as theres no point in doing the friends thing if there are feelings there and to get back to me if she changes her mind.
This here was your only mistake. Don't think that you ever need to explain your future actions to any girl.

You would have been better off just saying "Ok" and then simply not calling her again. If she called you and asked why you don't call her anymore, then you can just say that you thought her guy would probably get annoyed with some other guy calling her up all the time. It's a good cover...

Regarding the 'How are you?' after a month. Just say "Great thanks, you?". Don't ask about her or the guy, but feel free to tell her how awesome your life is going if you want.
 

TheCWord

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wonderer said:
I had been joking around with her that I was going to take her out
If you joke around about taking her out then it's a joke. The guy she's seeing wasn't joking.

#realtalk #youllgetemnexttime
 

wonderer

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Black Widow Void said:
NC is applied when there's been a degree of emotional investment between two people. This is nothing against you but because there was the absence of 'romantic' interaction, NC will not offer the same magnitude of result.

This is not to say that you may not be able to create interest. I'd take my time responding. When you do, say something like "keeping busy, but good busy" Then, add some playful way to crack on her, but in a way that shows that you are playful but nothing lengthy that indicates that you've invested a lot of effort. Also be inconsistent. Never respond quicker or with more length. Then say something like "nice talking to you." Then if there's no pull for you to respond, wait a few days and then engage but with light banter. If she seems receptive, then go for the "hang out." Be sure to be the first to "have to leave" if she's not giving indicators of interest. Most of all, remain (or come off as) calm and cool.

Good Luck!

Interesting. What is everyone elses view on this? I was thinking of just asking how she was and then maybe saying "Thought you were gunna back off huh?" in a banterish way. Kinda sets the frame then? Big risk though and maybe pushy? Maybe just see how things go and if we "Hang" this could be a massive test before anything official.

Thoughts?
 

wonderer

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Cremasta said:
This here was your only mistake. Don't think that you ever need to explain your future actions to any girl.

You would have been better off just saying "Ok" and then simply not calling her again. If she called you and asked why you don't call her anymore, then you can just say that you thought her guy would probably get annoyed with some other guy calling her up all the time. It's a good cover...

Regarding the 'How are you?' after a month. Just say "Great thanks, you?". Don't ask about her or the guy, but feel free to tell her how awesome your life is going if you want.

My initial reaction was to ask about the other guy. Maybe its gone to **** and this is why she's speaking to me now? Will this conversation come out naturally or is this something I want to avoid at all costs anyway as im not keen on being a gay best friend.
 

Cremasta

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wonderer said:
My initial reaction was to ask about the other guy. Maybe its gone to **** and this is why she's speaking to me now? Will this conversation come out naturally or is this something I want to avoid at all costs anyway as im not keen on being a gay best friend.
It's good that you didn't, that would have been another mistake.

Don't even let the conversation go in that direction, she's friendzoned you in no uncertain terms. If she starts talking about him, just tell her you're not interested in discussing her bf.
She will get pissy about it. Do NOT back down or apologise for saying that.
 

MOTU

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Uncharted said:
Yup no contact is for you to move on, not to "get her back". Sometimes attraction has an expiration date and it looks like it's already passed.
^^^^^
This
 

wonderer

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I'm surprised no one has said that I should NOT speak to her after her initiating this contact (I still haven't made up my mind so havent replied yet). Is this not a lost cause? Can I build the attraction again? I was friendzoned and accepting this conversation could be also accepting the invitation to being friends. I know that she was bored last night too because she had tweeted it, so maybe she wanted attention, the attention I used to give to her like an AFC chump before.

A little more background is that I've had surgery recently and this is what she was asking, if it went ok. I dont feel like I should respond yet as I'm still recovering and if conversation did go well I wouldnt be able to meet up and so I could get into meaningless chat leading nowhere.

My thoughts are to leave it for now, then reply on my own terms when I'm better (2 weeks maybe). I feel like NC for a month hasnt really been long enough too.

If you guys do think I can turn this around though I will definitley go for it. She is investing in me and thinking about me afterall. In the end I do want to crack on with her. Just trying to figure out the best way.

Thoughts?
 

wonderer

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Sorry for bumping, anyone got any insights onto the latest updates?
 

wonderer

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Another update on the situation, She received roses, chocolate, and a card yesterday for valentines day. Im guessing its from the guy she had started seeing a month ago but it's just a guess.

I still haven't replied to the "how did your op go?". Should I just next her? or really try and talk and see where it leads like the guys above have said? Bear in mind that im recovering from surgery and cannot even walk down the road!
 

TheCWord

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Nah, you've got to stay away from this girl man. It's clear to anyone reading that you're putting in too much time and effort thinking about what to do. Even if this girl wasn't a waste of your time (which she surely is), she'll be able to detect all of that overthinking and anxiety buzzing off you, you won't come off natural, and it will repel her.
 

Kbomb

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This chick could be the bomb ass winggirl and you are worrying about the FZ. Just hang with her and be friends. When you hang out with attractive women it is so much easier to game. Also it is incredibly charachter building to explore all of you emotions as they come up with this girl. Fully experiencing all of the heartache and desire is great for processing a lot of the issues you have. I think it is such a bad idea to waste such a lucrative relationship.

On the flip side if this girl causes you to revert to childhood and you cannot escape then of course you should eject, but the benefits to such things are so monumental it would be worth the suffering especially since you need to deal with those emotions at some point anyways.
 

wonderer

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Kbomb said:
This chick could be the bomb ass winggirl and you are worrying about the FZ. Just hang with her and be friends. When you hang out with attractive women it is so much easier to game. Also it is incredibly charachter building to explore all of you emotions as they come up with this girl. Fully experiencing all of the heartache and desire is great for processing a lot of the issues you have. I think it is such a bad idea to waste such a lucrative relationship.

On the flip side if this girl causes you to revert to childhood and you cannot escape then of course you should eject, but the benefits to such things are so monumental it would be worth the suffering especially since you need to deal with those emotions at some point anyways.
WHat do you mean by "lucrative relationship?"
 

lexa

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Kbomb said:
Just hang with her and be friends.

That's only if OP can REALLY be her friend and not fall for her.

I am dealing with similar situation. I know how you feel bro.

As for the reply, just reply like you would to anyone, otherwise you will be wondering whole day everyday whether you should and before you know it, that will lead you to stalking her and her bf, falling for her again etc etc.
 
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