"...like a date?" she asks

[crotchrocket]

"is this (going to be) like a date?" That's what a girl (HB9-she's done some modelling) asked me when I phoned her up and asked her to come to a concert with me!.

My answer was something like "No, lets just go have some fun!" and apparently it was the wrong thing to say because she declined!

I've asked others what they thought this was all about, and one of the most plausible answers I got was; she's attracted to me, and wasn't going to let herself get involved with somebody who is/does/will see her only as a 'friend'. Maybe it's right, just another example of women and double standards?

Anybody else ever have this happen? It was AFC of me, I know! This girl is (by her own admittance) a very inexperienced dater, and by the amount of times I've caught her staring at me (both before and after this episode) she's interested. But why the he!l ask me a question like that? what does it matter what you call it?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Why avoid the "D" word? Going out on a date and 'dating' are two different things.

It would have been interesting to find out why she asked. She may feel that there are certain connotations attached to a real date. Eh, maybe next time.

 

[ScrewIt]

weird girl.

well, maybe you wouldve been better off saying:

"well lets just say, by the end of the day, you'll have an answer."

that way u dont answer her question and confuses her.

 

[check_mate_kid_uk]

there are 2 reasons she will ask you this

she wants to go on a date with you

or

she thinks you want it to be a date so wants to double check

if its the first, she obviously likes you. She could ask you if its a date and decline it if you say it is, but it is bairly pluasable that she would ask it to just say no either way, so i think she likes you and declined because it was not a date!

 

[DeathDealer]

uh maybe she's just asking to see how you would answer.

in her mind: you said no.

since you made your intentions clear with the no answer she'll see it as that. how she interprets it for the future and present, we dunno.

probably better would be that you should've said something along the lines of "hmm, maybe" in a joking manner.

 

[B9]

what double standard? I thought it was a fairly straightforward reaction.

You made a mistake. You can either

A: Next her.

B: Play some the smoothest seduction game ever on her and land her anyway.

C: Be honest and tell her you messed up because you were afraid she'd say no and yes, you are planning to take her on a date, whilst making a mental note of not being afraid to demonstrate your intentions in the future, or ever be apologetic about your attraction.

Somehow, I get the feeling that 'B' isn't really a viable option in this case though, so what's to lose with C?

 

[A-Unit]

Re:

From Van Wilder...

Ok, it's a date.

It's not a date. It's an interview.

First dates ARE interviews.




What you're saying is all semantics. Whether it's a date or not, in your reality it was 'fun', in her's, it was a date.


Just learn for next time. Or call her back and make fun of her for saying 'no' and call her desperate for a man because she wants it to be a date. SLOW DOWN LADY.



A-Unit

 

[ScrewIt]

I think A-unit hit the spot. the term "date" is very vague.

You can consider it hanging out or getting together, but the other person may agree or disagree and label it a first date and whatnot.

i guess from the looks of it, she just wanted to see if you considered her a friend or potential gf through your answer.

 

[Jariel]

Stop being so cautious. Women can sense it.

 

[flexion_]

If she asks you if was going to be a date - say YES next time. Why else would you be calling her? To be her friend or something? LOL

 

[ego]

You could try answer something like this ther next time:


Her: ... Like a date? / You wanna go on a date? / Are we dating?

You: "Aw Baby, It's you and me just having a good time! (Smile, or sound positive about it if over the phone) ---> You could even add: "Yeah, let's call it a date!"

Or:

You: "Since i'm a guy/man and you're girl/woman and we're going out together to ____ (whatever you're doing) i guess you could call it a date..." (smile or sound positive about it).

I've gotten different responses when bringing up the D-word with friends or the girl that i'm about to... yeah...date/meet. It doesn't really matter - but you should never, and i mean NEVER, be afraid to tell the girl that it's a date. The point is to make her understand that you're GOING OUT TOGETHER, TO GET TOGETHER. You're not going out to become best friend or drinking-coffee-buddy with the hot babe, are you?

You get it?

 

[crotchrocket]

now what?

I realized I'd screwed up as soon the words "no..." came out of my mouth, I am attracted to her and its AFC of me to not admit that freely, it won't happen again!

She's definitely still attracted, her behavior hasn't changed AT ALL. In fact a couple weeks later (at our once-a-week young adults thing) I look up and she's half-way across the room facing me and literally STARING. You know that whole thing; it takes her a couple seconds to realize I've caught her, then she looks down shy and embarrassed, I could go on and on about all her interested signals, but yah NOW I'm pretty sure she was interested in a 'date' with me and hoping I didn't see her and I as 'just friends'.

So NOW WHAT? I'm gonna ask her again soon, not sure how, or what to say though. I have a short list of girls that are LTR material, and this one is near or at the top, so it would be a shame to screw it up, and I wouldn't consider nexting her, not yet anyway! 'B9' your option 'c', sounds like reasonable thing to do.

 

[A-Unit]

Sense of Purpose.

One thing to keep in mind that some might let slip...

You're finding the woman for YOU. FOR YOU. You're not pacifying her needs or trying to bridge her desire and your's (that's for later on when you're more involved and in love, then you compromise; see Anti-Dump).

You're a man of purpose. You have a life and you have goals. ASKING her on a date tells you RIGHT now where her interest is. Why wait a month or more, or even a few dates, to find out she really has no interest from the get-go?

In economics, it's called opportunity-cost. Each choice is also the sacrifice of another choice. If you choose to be out 1 night with this girl, you miss the chance to be out meeting a new one. So don't think in terms of:

"Well, when do I call..."
"What should I do..."

The goal is your happiness. If you stick to that rule, it's not self-centered, because neither of you are at the point where you're considerate of each other's feelings. You're just feeling it all out. So if she hems and haws, you back off. Tell her WHAT YOU WANT, and she'll retort with what she wants. Then you can save time.

Negotiations don't start until 'no' is spoken.

People always get wishy washy about the word 'no'. No is just a response to a question, it's a response to the whole idea. America as a country never stops at 'no'. If we did, would we be as far as we are?

So when you're asking, or planning, plan it around what you want. Not her wants. And give no consideration to what she might think...because you can't influence that either.



A-Unit

 

[NewMan]

Unless she figures that she doesn't want to pay for herself?

Maybe she's cheap and if it's a date knows you are going to pay the bill.

If she was interested in you she would have gone date or no date.

Sounds like she's a professional.

proceed with caution.