Lightbulbs & paradigms

[MacAvoy]

I just realized my biggest problem. The lightbulb finally went off. I have conflicting desires and values. Let me explain: I always run into problems with my LTR's that revolve around my past and meeting their parents expectations. It's a result of my standards and my attraction to Miss Goody two shoes. When it comes to me actually settling down, I've always done it with someone that has gotten their education, never married, has goals, is very independent, basically on the path for the white picket fence BS dream.

Whereas I've lived my life as an adventure. Always trying new things, gaining new experiences. I've also chased the macho dreams, I've always love the challenge. I've been with strippers, excorts, orgies, I've done more than I ever dreamt of. I wouldn't change a thing. However with that came living like on the edge. Sometimes your on the wrong side of the law, its a fine line. I've got a very minor criminal record, key words being very and minor. However the conversation always comes up, I've never hid it, or lied about it. I've got nothing to be ashamed up.

My point is though at my age, women are looking for stability. I've never been one to be stable. I've always made good money, everything has always came so easy for me that I don't value wordly goods as much as I should because I could always just replace it. It doesn't send the right message to women.

So the problem becomes when I think of settling down, I go to the other extreme. I think that I want a perfect wife with the white picket fence when in reality I'm not built that way.

However I do have the desire to settle down, however I need a paradigm shift. I need to adjust my standards to match my values. I need to find a women who is more like myself. The problem is, its almost like I want to settle down with a women who doesn't want to settle down.

Thoughts?

 

[jophil28]

The problem is, its almost like I want to settle down with a women who doesn't want to settle down.
Thoughts?

I think that this might be one for R.T.

 

[joekerr31]

grass is greener on the other side.

your issue has nothing to do with women, but rather lifestyle.

youve chosen a lifestyle and deep down wonder if it was the right one. the desire to settle down is merely the desire to experience the other lifestyle.

if you were 100% committed to your current lifestyle then you'd continue on having orgies, breaking the law and banging strippers.

but part of you wonders if you'd have it better on the other side of the fence - if the grass is greener for those white picket fence suburbanites.

people in the suburbs go through the same thing, but the other way. they settled down, had the kids, white picket fence, etc. - and then wonder if they missed out. why do you think shows like desperate housewives are so popular - housewives wnat to vicariously experience what its like to bang the plumber, or be an alcoholic sex bimbo etc.

no matter what people have in life, most spend their time concerning themselves with whether the grass is greener elsewhere.

 

[STR8UP]

people in the suburbs go through the same thing, but the other way. they settled down, had the kids, white picket fence, etc. - and then wonder if they missed out. why do you think shows like desperate housewives are so popular - housewives wnat to vicariously experience what its like to bang the plumber, or be an alcoholic sex bimbo etc.

Yes, but.....

You aren't accounting for the fact that lots of REAL housewives ARE banging the plumber!

Of course, it's nothing like what you see on tv, but how much do you REALLY know about your neighbors that goes on behind closed doors?

Joe, you're probably one of the most clued up dudes around here, but sometimes I get the impression that you lean toward "black and white" thinking on issues such as this.

There are no wh0res and there are no good girls; there are only wh0res who are sometimes good and good girls that are sometimes wh0res.

I catch a lot of flack for living this wild, hedonistic lifestyle, when the fact is that although I am not even close to being a prude, on the same token I am not a jacked up sexual deviant that hangs on the fringes of society.

Point is, if you met me on the street you would probably think i was pretty straight laced. And everyone knows that I like to party, but very few people know the crazy sh!t that has happened to me over the past year or two. You guys are the exception. I come here and discuss stuff that has to do with sex and relationships and women that I can't or don't share with other people I know in real life.

So yea, I do agree with you that when you tend to lean in one direction you will always wonder what it is like to lean the other. But most people are standing on the middle and leaning one direction or the other. It is very rare for people to actually be standing on either side.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Thoughts?

I don't know the answers, but fwiw, I am just like you. I go for the same type of women, and eventually the LTR crumbles when she finds out that I am not Mr. safe and stable, which to me is pretty boring.

There are plenty of orgies and swinger sex in the burbs, btw. Those people need an escape from their boring lives.

 

[squirrels]

Dude...what makes YOU happy?

Almost every relationship or near-relationship I've short-circuited has been because I started trying to BE someone else FOR someone else. Remember, this is YOUR life, and you're not REQUIRED to want anything that you don't want naturally.

So I guess the question is...do you want to settle down so women will like you? Because it's what someone says men your age are supposed to be doing? Or do you want to settle down because the "settled-down" life appeals to you?

Do what makes YOU happy. If women can't deal with that, then they're not right for you anyway.

 

[CanuckinSK]

I wish I was in your 'dilemma' MacAvoy! LOL! Seriously, I'd love to have a whole roster of sexual experiences in my past. Not an answer to your problem, I know.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

I think that one of the biggest things that cause "some" men to stray is their tendency to compartmentalize their views on women. Many men gladly subscribe to the Madonna/Whhore Complex.

They see their women as either ONLY a caring, nuturing, upstanding, mother-type, OR they see her as the freakiest slutt they could EVER hope to cumm on. lol

But the older I get, and the wiser I get, the MORE I know that the key to managing my expectations (REALISTICALLY) of women is to see them as BOTH nurturer AND LOVER. And a lot of the success that I have had with women has been the result of recognizing and EMBRACING the "whole" nature of that woman.

We ALL know this by now, but it bares repeating that the more convinced most women are that you are comfortable with them as a WHOLE PERSON, the happier and more satisfied they'll be with you in the relationship.

And THIS is our best chance of keeping a woman INTERESTED and "with" us for the LONG TERM (see--Marriage).

 

[Mr.Positive]

You aren't accounting for the fact that lots of REAL housewives ARE banging the plumber!

There's your answer MacAvoy!! Become a plumber.

This way, you get the housewife AND the great crazy sex.

Honestly, sometimes I think we analyze things way to much. I bet if we took the iq from each poster on this board and found an average, it would be significantly higher than the national average.

All we can do is make the best choices in life that we can. How do we know we're doing the right thing? We don't, but the more we know ourselves, the better path we will be on.

MacAvoy, I like your post because it speaks of honest truth.

 

[MacAvoy]

Dude...what makes YOU happy? do you want to settle down so women will like you? Because it's what someone says men your age are supposed to be doing? Or do you want to settle down because the "settled-down" life appeals to you? .

I'm honestly happy when I'm settled down in a relationship. I don't think its a grass is greener on the other side thing either. I don't live a wild & crazy lifestyle, I had the opportunity to hang out with a true alpha and it elevated my game immensely and it was a great year and a half.

I think the problem lies with the type of women I date. I think it also goes down a bit to:

I think that one of the biggest things that cause "some" men to stray is their tendency to compartmentalize their views on women. Many men gladly subscribe to the Madonna/Whhore Complex.

They see their women as either ONLY a caring, nuturing, upstanding, mother-type, OR they see her as the freakiest slutt they could EVER hope to cumm on.

I do compartmentalize my women, I treat my fvckbuddy's like wh0res and my g/f's like a wife that should be honoured. Deep down I know thats why I get away with whatever I want with my fvckbuddys, because I'm being attractive, shunning them, and they do anything I say in hopes of gaining my acceptance, whereas the g/f's get bored eventually with my AFC tendencies.

My problem is how I view a potential wife. Very early on I decide if a girl is LTR material or a wh0re. Then I act accordingly.

I need to stop wanting to only settle down with the super nice girl type. I've got to change the type of girl I want to settle down with.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...So the problem becomes when I think of settling down, I go to the other extreme. I think that I want a perfect wife with the white picket fence when in reality I'm not built that way...

Why not hook up with a woman who has an adventurous streak which is compatible with your own?