Lifestyle over age 30

[DonJuanabe]

Hoping some of you guys can provide insight:

For most of my life I've lived like Peter Pan. In my early 30s I rented a tiny room in a group house -- the day I invited my girlfriend over (she owned her own home) I remember her gasp disapprovingly when we went up to my 8x9 room. I'm in my early 40s and live in the same apartment I've rented for nearly 9 years, very sparse furnishings, bikes and bike stuff scattered around. I have money but you'd have no idea from my home lifestyle.

The only thing I'm missing is that one awesome chick that I think about daily. Most women that I would date within 25 miles of me own some sort of home (even if it's just a condo), a good job, and an education. Unfortunately, my dating pool is shrinking because under 30 isn't going to go out with me and I don't want over 40 because 1) I'm a guy; 2) I live/look/act really young for early 40s; 3) I don't want to date women with children. The problem is that it seems expected of me to own my own place and I'm sure I lose (or certainly don't gain) points when a girl comes to my apartment. Barring Brad Pitt etc., women over 30 are interested in more than just looks, and I'm not an 8-10 in looks so I can't afford to lose points elsewhere.

Have you guys gained any insight or experience in your home situation that you can offer? Yeah, I am still bumming over my recent oneitis, but I've done some self-reflection and I wonder if I need to start playing catch-up to my competition.

 

[Rubirosa]

Keep your place Spotless and don't have any "boyish" things about...Comics, Toys, or too much sports memoribillia. If you're into a passion (bikes), that's cool, but make sure your place doesn't look like a mechanic's garage. Say that you travel a great deal, which is why you haven't invested in home ownership yet.
Pretend that people will enter your home and guess what kind of person lives there just by making judgements on what they see.

 

[Wilko]

Your choices have consequences of course, just like mine do. Some of our choices will make us less attractive to women, is that a good enough reason not to do those things? Hell no. I say fvck spending your lifetime working to buy and do things that are for all intents and purposes, to impress other people.

And believe me, people, women in particular, will present as successful (by the popular definition), when they are anything but, it's smoke and mirrors most of the time. Kudos to those who have really done it though, assuming they actively chose those things for themselves.

I abhor debt, even the so called "good" kind. Imagine it, me, being a slave to a mortgage for a home I never really wanted just so I could "play the game" with my so-called competitors. How the hell does that benefit me?!

People want you to be as miserable as they are, they don't like you opting out of the matrix and all its manifold parts, many will be fearful and suspicious of the freedom you probably have right now.

Real-estate and retirement are busted myths. Invest in your ability to keep working into old age (your health), that's the real "long game".

 

[betheman]

Your choices have consequences of course, just like mine do. Some of our choices will make us less attractive to women, is that a good enough reason not to do those things? Hell no. I say fvck spending your lifetime working to buy and do things that are for all intents and purposes, to impress other people.

And believe me, people, women in particular, will present as successful (by the popular definition), when they are anything but, it's smoke and mirrors most of the time. Kudos to those who have really done it though, assuming they actively chose those things for themselves.

I abhor debt, even the so called "good" kind. Imagine it, me, being a slave to a mortgage for a home I never really wanted just so I could "play the game" with my so-called competitors. How the hell does that benefit me?!

People want you to be as miserable as they are, they don't like you opting out of the matrix and all its manifold parts, many will be fearful and suspicious of the freedom you probably have right now.

Real-estate and retirement are busted myths. Invest in your ability to keep working into old age (your health), that's the real "long game".

solid post, I agree with this view

 

[DonJuanabe]

I don't consider real estate to ever be an investment -- it really isn't. It pretty much just follows inflation (itself a monetary phenomenon that need not exist) except when bubbles occur. The issue is having a place where you want to live and being happy there.

That said, most women in my demographic don't take a man seriously if he lives like someone who just graduated from college. So between two choices, the man-boy will lose to the man.

Dating the last girl I was with I would wear jeans and maybe a henley, something decent but casual. I resemble my living situation. She would be wearing slacks, shirt, nice shoes, make-up -- she obviously spent an hour getting ready -- as most women do when they are thinking of spending time with a guy on a date out in public -- even if just to see a movie. Similar to having your own place and taking your situation in life seriously, I can imagine her thinking are you taking me seriously? And this leads me to question whether I am taking myself seriously.

p.s. health-wise I'm top 1% for guys over 40. No question about that at all. That won't change barring some genetic issue of which I am unaware or a catastrophic accident.

 

[Colossus]

I also agree with Wilko for the most part, but like he said if you choose to live this way you are making yourself much less attractive to women. You just have to look at what this communicates to a woman's mind:

1. You've never been married
2. You probably havent had any LTR's recently, otherwise she would have 'straightened you out'
3. You live on meager finances (even if you dont)
4. You are overly obsessed with hobbies (cycling or whatever)
5. You are stuck in boy-land, thus not being a great candidate for a LTR, or marriage.

Now these things may or not be true, but it's what you are communicating to most women. If you can live with it, fine. But it sounds like you are aware of your living situation holding you back and you are interested in changing it.

I remember a few years back when I was 26, I rented a small room in a small city apartment. I had a futon mattress that lay on the floor, a tiny desk, and a few plastic dressers. It didnt really stop me from bedding or dating any particular girl, but then again they were mostly 22-26 themselves. I do remember a girl rumpling her nose at my bed once.

Fast forward to now, I'm 30, starting a real career, and I feel like I need to start phasing this stuff out. This is mostly because I WANT to, however. I personally feel that a Man should take pride in his home, it should reflect what he thinks of himself. Kind of like clothing---you dont have to go all-out with every outfit but it says a lot about a man when he takes the time to look modern, clean, and sharp.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Women are attracted to a big house, because it is a nice nest in which to raise children, and because it represents security...mostly for the raising of children. Even women who won't openly admit wanting kids will feel attraction to you for displaying the traits that would make you a good father. It's their biology, and as they get older, that biology starts to take over.

If you don't want the picket fence and 1.7 children, you have to find a woman who does not want that either, at least not at this moment. Younger girls really will date you; they are usually too naive to see the difficulties of the age difference as long as they are having fun. The other option in my mind would be women closer to your age who had already been married, tried for the picket fence, and then had it all fall apart. She would behave similarly to a guy going through a mid-life crisis and be a lot of fun without caring too much about the future of your relationship. Divorcees are easy to find, unfortunately most of them are fat and have kids.

Basically, you are rejecting the typical relationship mindset, which I call the 'picket fence.' You have to find a woman who has, for whatever reason, rejected that mindset herself.

 

[DonJuanabe]

One of the things I discussed (not in great detail) with my recent oneitis when we were dating was the seven year relationship I had with my last real girlfriend (ended in 2010). That GF asked me a number of times to marry her, and I told oneitis about that, and that I said no each time because we didn't share enough hobbies and she was immature (12 years younger than me). Oneitis would constantly ask about that relationship, especially why I would stay in that relationship for seven years -- I said because the girl was hot, I am a guy, and I was complacent and didn't want to move. Oneitis would insist there must be an underlying emotional problem and I would say she is making too much out of it. It never occurred to me, but I think she was expressing her internal concerns about me when inquiring about that relationship: "Is he someone for the long term? Is he lazy? What does he want from me? Does he actually want to get married as I do?" And, when combining all this with my home/lifestyle and way I would dress on dates I can see her thinking this guy is a man-boy, a kid, he isn't someone for the long term because he doesn't have his sh*t together and isn't serious about anything; there are plenty of men out there that I can get who know who they are and what they want. And I can see most women feeling this way.

At a certain point Peter Pan needs to go off to Never Never Land and never return. Maybe I'm at that point. Having my own place seems to be a good way to start this process -- I can take pride in it, it's MINE, and it shows a sense of stability and responsibility.

Sigh...

 

[AW1983]

It never occurred to me, but I think she was expressing her internal concerns about me when inquiring about that relationship: "Is he someone for the long term? Is he lazy? What does he want from me? Does he actually want to get married as I do?"

Haha, no sh!t Sherlock. I've learned the hard way about this one. They'll try and take any nugget they can excavate about your former relationships and then extrapolate insane amounts of conjecture from it (which they will believe is the golden truth of female intuition) and then start perceiving you in the light they have fashioned. Wish I'd kept my mouth shut a bit tighter a few times in the past.

At a certain point Peter Pan needs to go off to Never Never Land and never return. Maybe I'm at that point. Having my own place seems to be a good way to start this process -- I can take pride in it, it's MINE, and it shows a sense of stability and responsibility.

Sigh...

Maybe, maybe not. I'd say doing anything monetarily-hazardous for the specific purpose of obtaining women in your life reeks of AFC and is not the DJ mentality. If you have a decent, clean, modern apartment because you'd rather spend your money traveling and going on bad*ss MTB trips, a chick will understand that. They are going to be more interested in whether you the *potential* for buying a house and providing her a nest. So maybe instead of getting saddled with a house/mortgage you could just overhaul your apartment. Paint, classy furniture, art on the walls, etc.

Then again I don't know how old you are, maybe I'll have a different perspective in twenty years...

 

[DonJuanabe]

Alpha: getting my own place isn't for obtaining women per se. My place is a dump, even when cleaned up. Carpet in bad shape from pets, grease stains from bikes, paint chips falling from ceiling due to settlement of the apartment structure. I've lived care-free and without plan for most of my life because things have always turned out well - call it luck or whatever but I've been able to pull it off. I used to think having freedom from responsibility and lots of free time was what mattered most, but as my friends have less and less of it due to marriage/relationships all that time feels like sitting in prison counting the days.

Having my own place would mean I am serious about myself, life in general, and would signal to a woman that I am a guy she can count on, not someone who was so complacent and lazy that he continued in a 7 year relationship knowing he was holding back his girlfriend from the marriage she ultimately wanted. I need to take responsibility for being complacent. I need to get off my ass and start steering life rather than just following it wherever it goes.

 

[AW1983]

but as my friends have less and less of it due to marriage/relationships all that time feels like sitting in prison counting the days.

Sh!t man, I do feel you there completely.

But yeah, if it's to advance to the next stage in your life, for you, then by all means.

 

[Burroughs]

@donjuanabe

please watch this carefully http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=xY8-8KtxfkI

 

[Wilko]

I don't consider real estate to ever be an investment -- it really isn't. It pretty much just follows inflation (itself a monetary phenomenon that need not exist) except when bubbles occur. The issue is having a place where you want to live and being happy there.

That said, most women in my demographic don't take a man seriously if he lives like someone who just graduated from college. So between two choices, the man-boy will lose to the man.

Dating the last girl I was with I would wear jeans and maybe a henley, something decent but casual. I resemble my living situation. She would be wearing slacks, shirt, nice shoes, make-up -- she obviously spent an hour getting ready -- as most women do when they are thinking of spending time with a guy on a date out in public -- even if just to see a movie. Similar to having your own place and taking your situation in life seriously, I can imagine her thinking are you taking me seriously? And this leads me to question whether I am taking myself seriously.

p.s. health-wise I'm top 1% for guys over 40. No question about that at all. That won't change barring some genetic issue of which I am unaware or a catastrophic accident.

I would say you're in the top 1% for ruthless self-awareness too! I think you'll end up making some smart decisions for yourself and making some effective changes.

That gnawing uneasiness is a ***** aint it?

 

[DonJuanabe]

Burroughs: I watched it. While I don't lack self-love or self-esteem, it did do something very important for me. In the clip, the man has to take responsibility for loving himself. He has to do it, not wait for someone else to do it for him, and once he does it he becomes self-actualized. I have always lived a responsibility-free life and I think, as a result, I have always thought of others as responsible for screw-ups involving me, primarily dating.

I was the one responsible for things falling apart with oneitis. It was my responsibility to increase (or at least maintain) her attraction to me. She can say as loudly as she wants that she never was attracted to me but that is after-the-fact justification defense mechanism ******** bullsh*t. She was attracted to me but I screwed it up. Women over 30 want a guy who makes them feel special and I didn't do that. When a woman takes over an hour and a half to dress and put on make-up just to go see a movie it's not the movie she is focused on, it's the relationship - spending time with her guy - she is focused on. While she was made up and looked very nice, I just put on a pair of jeans like I was merely going to the movies rather than spending time with the girl I was dating. I just floated along like I always have in life, like I did in my 7 year relationship where I could get away with being complacent because the GF loved me with all her heart and soul vs. oneitis who was only getting to know me. And what did she get to know? That I didn't care to make her feel special, that I didn't take the smallest effort to show her she was important, that I wasn't someone she could think of and smile over the long term (when she got out of her car and saw how I was dressed that night she frowned while all I thought was gee you're kind of overdressed to go see Hunger Games).

Oneitis insisted that I have some sort of emotional issue but she didn't know what it was. I kept saying I have no issues but I now realize I do. I never grew up because I never had to grow up - I always avoided responsibility. Only now, finding myself alone more and more these days as friends are busy with wives, and I can't sustain a relationship because I am too laid back about it, do I realize I have to grow up. Owning my own place wouldn't just help in having a relationship, it would force me to grow up and be responsible.

What a wonderful way to spend Saturday night.

 

[Three]

DonJuanabe, Don't beat yourself up too much. I feel your pain. Really. I think you're on the right track in examining yourself, though.

And I know about the Saturday night thing, brother. My second wife left a few months ago and I've been going through an existential crisis since then that I'm finally starting to claw my way out of. Yes, she was fvcking hot and much younger than me, but BPD and killing me slowly (all this confirmed by my shrink).

I agree totally that we need to keep moving forward in all areas of our lives that are important. Read 7 Habits by Stephen Covey for some great wisdom on this.

And, yes, get a nicer place, man, even if you don't buy a house. Where you live is not only a reflection of who you are, but it affects how you view yourself, how you feel on a daily basis. Sort of like feng shui, a good, clean, uncluttered space will make you feel good, clean, and uncluttered in your mind and better able to make rational decisions about where to go with your life.