Life's looking up, but I see trouble in the future....

[TheLadiesMan]

Just woke up, and the first thing that came to my mind was...

I'll give you the cliff notes of what's up to this point... hopefully, there's a few on here that may be able to give some suggestions....

Dated this woman for 5 years, both thought we were a perfect match...

We have a child, he'll be 3 in January...

No sooner than son was born, lost my job after 12 years... (New boss, wanted HIS own ppl.)

Money troubles followed, putting great stress on relationship....

We went through a year of breaking up, getting back together type of crap. Last July, we finally called it a day...

My son lives with her, but not by choice. I would rather he lived with me...

She is 7 years younger, and loves to party (drink, smoke pot ALOT.) She is 30, and is going through a mid-life crisis. She lives with her Dad, and both have their names on the home they share (he's 65 and loves smoking pot too. ) I see my son every other weekend, sometimes more. Pretty much anytime I want to. I give her around $300 a month for child support (not court issued).

After several years of looking for work, I finally land a decent paying job...

Lately, they've been on a spending spree, (mini van, leather coat, fancy clothes, new furniture, new Razor phones...) Yet, when I visited my son yesterday, there was no juice, no milk, no bread in the house... but there was plenty of beers.

Now here's my situation....

Things are starting to fall into place for me with the new job. My son is covered under her insurance, and she had been trying to talk me into getting my son covered under me for years. When I told her last week he will be covered under my insurance, she said "...I'll just keep him covered under mine." I dunno how much this has to do with custody, but I'm sure it has something to do with it.

Anyway, my fear is that all this spending is going to catch up with her, and down the road she's going to try to file for child support, and ream me a new one. Is there anything I can do to protect myself, as I think she's gone totally over the edge with the smoking and drinking since we've split up....

I want to evetually get custody of my son, and I know it ain't going to be easy. What can I start doing now to prepare myself for this?

Please help...

 

[edmond]

She sounds like a drug dealer, if she goes to court there is nothing you can do, so prepare to fight. Record your conversations, take photos, gather witness names, etc.....
She might deceive the court but not your child, in the end he will come to you.
BE STRONG.

 

[Phyzzle]

Definitely get some sort of proof of pot smoking. Clandestine photos, if you have to.

I don't think pot is wrong, but I know that the courts are really snooty about leaving a child in a house with "drugs."

 

[joekerr31]

get a camera phone that snaps pictures. go over when they are smoking pot with the child around, take a picture. then go to a lawyer and tell them you want custody because she is smoking pot around your kid.

ultimately what you need is for her to grow the f*ck up. unfortunately it doesn't look like that will ever happen.

this is a great lesson to all the guys on this board - knocking up a low quality woman will bite you on the ass 1000 times more than what the p*ssy was worth.

 

[TheLadiesMan]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions, and opinions.

She's not a drug dealer, she does work two jobs, and one is for the state. If she was a dealer, I'd have my son quicker than sh*t. I know she's not a dealer.

I think she's considered "high" quality. ...one thing is for sure, that woman knows how to fvck... tis hard to let go of a gorgeous woman who swallows.

 

[crowes22]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions, and opinions.

She's not a drug dealer, she does work two jobs, and one is for the state. If she was a dealer, I'd have my son quicker than sh*t. I know she's not a dealer.

I think she's considered "high" quality. ...one thing is for sure, that woman knows how to fvck... tis hard to let go of a gorgeous woman who swallows.

OK I guess, the above I mean, but the things you mentioned b4 seem super serious to me. Consult w/ your attorney. Good luck and long time no see LM, best wishes.

 

[dietzcoi]

No, she is low quality. And Joekerr31 is right. I wish everybody would learn before it is too late, but they won't listen to us who have been there, done that.

The line of "dead men walking" just grows and grows

TheLadiesMan: Do whatever you have to to get your kid. Then, you will be in control of your own destiny. Until then, she has you by the ballz.

Dietzcoi

 

[TheLadiesMan]

In all seriousness... for the most part, she's a very good mother, and it ain't easy being a mother these days. A lot of kids have it worse. I didn't mention that when I discovered the lack of juice, milk, and bread, she ran out the door to get those items and more. Sometimes it's tought getting to the store when you work around teh clock. She swore he doesn't go a day without any of those things. My son is very happy, which is very important to me. He is loved, there's no question about that. I believe her.

She may have taken our breakup bad, and I think personally, she's going at recovery the wrong way. Love jones will make you do stupid things.

But I've discovered something today, something that I haven't gave a lot of thought about....

She does what I request.... ?????? I mean, it's almost strange.

I brought up the lack of juice and bread in the house.. she runs out and gets it.

I mention that her grandma, who watches our son during the day, doesn't pickup the phone when I want to call and talk to my son.... she says she will tell her grandma to pickup the phone. 5 minutes later, grandma calls me and says that I can call anytime, she will keep phone near to answer it. (??????? NO LIE!)

I mention to her Grandma that there's a festival in town, and that her daughter should take our son there, since I do most of those kinds of things, and she should do them too...... she takes him to the festival, as I requested.

I tell her my car has broken down, she comes and picks me up.... while riding in the car, she informs me that she has asked her mother to loan me her car for a week, or until the car is fixed, so I can get to work.

I tell her that the repairs were costly and that I would be a late with child support this week.... she said she wasn't worried about it.

All this has me thinkin'.... damn...

 

[Centaurion]

It sounds like she is trying to do a good job, however, my personal opinion is that a kid that young shouldn't be around people doing drugs (I don't want to get into that whole pot discussion).

 

[thissucks003]

Anyway, my fear is that all this spending is going to catch up with her, and down the road she's going to try to file for child support, and ream me a new one. Is there anything I can do to protect myself, as I think she's gone totally over the edge with the smoking and drinking since we've split up....

I want to evetually get custody of my son, and I know it ain't going to be easy. What can I start doing now to prepare myself for this?

And

I think she's considered "high" quality. ...one thing is for sure, that woman knows how to fvck... tis hard to let go of a gorgeous woman who swallows.

I feel you may be conflicted on what you really want. Are you concerned about the way she raises your child or are you concerned about still getting together with her? It sounds like you still have issues regarding your relationship with her. What is more important to you?

If you are concerned as to how you child is being raised, then you must address it to her about your concerns. But before you do that, I would make sure you talk to a lawyer about your rights as a dad. I would also hire a PI to document her doing drugs and drinking a lot. Once you have your evidence, I would then address it to her. Don't be surprised once you bring this up, that she will be pisssed off and may take actions herself (ie, getting her own lawyer and suing for custody herself and more child support).

Personally, I wouldn't want my child around drug use, let alone someone that drinks all of the time. Your child is very observant. As much as you are making excuses for her behavior, you know that is not healthy for your child. Stop letting her looks and past sexual experiences with her cloud your judgement. You have a very big responsibility raising your child to be a well adjusted adult. I would hate to not do anything and then 15 years later kick myself because my child became a drug user.

TS

 

[TheLadiesMan]

And



I feel you may be conflicted on what you really want. Are you concerned about the way she raises your child or are you concerned about still getting together with her? It sounds like you still have issues regarding your relationship with her. What is more important to you?

If you are concerned as to how you child is being raised, then you must address it to her about your concerns. But before you do that, I would make sure you talk to a lawyer about your rights as a dad. I would also hire a PI to document her doing drugs and drinking a lot. Once you have your evidence, I would then address it to her. Don't be surprised once you bring this up, that she will be pisssed off and may take actions herself (ie, getting her own lawyer and suing for custody herself and more child support).

Personally, I wouldn't want my child around drug use, let alone someone that drinks all of the time. Your child is very observant. As much as you are making excuses for her behavior, you know that is not healthy for your child. Stop letting her looks and past sexual experiences with her cloud your judgement. You have a very big responsibility raising your child to be a well adjusted adult. I would hate to not do anything and then 15 years later kick myself because my child became a drug user.

TS

Absolutely... and thanks again to the other posters. Very insightful.

We had a talk this weekend about her partying. She cried, and told me she was going to try quitting, and that she knows she's out of control.

The next day I called to talk to my son at his Grandma's and her Grandma told me she told her she was quitting her drug use, and her high octane drinking.
I was shocked.... Grandma even asked me if I need her car till car is fixed.

I know I DO NOT want my son around that sh*t, and I didn't ask her to change... she should want to change, for our son. I just asked her "Doesn't that get old and boring after awhile? ...I mean, what if something great happends to our son? You'd be too out of it to see it..... or God forbid, something bad should happen to our son, you wouldn't be in the right state of mind to handle it."

The more I think about it, the more I believe that she's attempting to be a better person to herself and to her family.

Whether or not we are a family again, at the very least, we can trust each other to do the right thing for our son.

 

[thissucks003]

That is great news!

We had a talk this weekend about her partying. She cried, and told me she was going to try quitting, and that she knows she's out of control.

I just wanted to bring it up. Trying and doing are sometimes two different things. Hopefully she is a doer and will go through treatment like AA or some other substance abuse center to get help. If she doesn't, be prepared to do what you have to do for your son.

Good luck to the both of you!

TS

 

[Latinoman]

A woman that parties a lot...smokes pot...and instead of milk/juice has beer in the fridge and lives with her dad is NOT a high quality mother. It is not a quality mother at all.

And it comes down to that. MOTHERHOOD.

Who parent is more fit to be the parent?

She might phuck great as I'm sure several men that smoke pot and party with her might now know. But what about your son?

Can you provide a better life for him?

And concerning child support...do you have a written agreement? If you don't...then it is your word against her. And typically in court you can get screwed.

Anyway, I'm NOT a lawyer so I cannot give advice. All I can do is share my point of view.

 

[Albion10]

Anyway, my fear is that all this spending is going to catch up with her, and down the road she's going to try to file for child support, and ream me a new one. Is there anything I can do to protect myself, as I think she's gone totally over the edge with the smoking and drinking since we've split up....

I want to evetually get custody of my son, and I know it ain't going to be easy. What can I start doing now to prepare myself for this?

Please help...

First about the child support you are paying. Always make sure your payments are traceable! Pay with a check or money order. That way you are covered when she says "He never paid anything." If you haven't been doing this, start now. Although the court may still place past support you have paid into the gift catagory, having proof that you paid something will weight better then no proof at all.

As for custody, I am not a lawyer, but from seeing some of my friends go through this type of situation I can give you a couple bits of advice. First make sure your son will have a stable and secure living environment. Living in a house is the best, especially if you own the home. An apartment probably will not look good since it is not stable. Also have a stable job, the longer you've been there and the higher your position the better position you have with the court. Secondly, having a long term girlfriend or a new wife will play a big role. Courts usually side with the female in custody cases because women are better at nurturing children, especially young ones. Having a long term or permanent girlfriend or wife will bode better for you then not, especially if she has children of her own. Thirdly get a DAMN GOOD lawyer who specializes in custody cases no matter what the cost. Take a second mortgage on you home, sell your most precious family heirlooms, whatever it takes to get the best. I'd hire the guy handling the Paul McCartney case if it were me. And lastly, get proof that she's neglecting your son. When I say neglect I mean lots of expensive stuff but no food, pictures of her doing drugs while he is around, proof that he's always wearing old ratting clothing, proof that she goes out to party all the time leaving your son in a questionable environment, etc... You would be best off to hire a private investigator to do all of this.

The courts, like I said before, will usually side toward the women in custody cases. The more proof that you have that she is unfit and you are fit the better your chances, but I would guess that even with a picture of her shooting heroin while your son is sitting in front of her watching tv, your chances are 50/50 at best.

Again, I am not a lawyer!!! The best person that you can get advice from in this situation is a lawyer who specializes in these types of cases.

I wish you all the best.

-Al