Life after college

[flint]

Okay, so you are graduating college and at least in the eyes of society becoming a man and the thing you are most worried about is getting people to like you so that you can make friends, have a social circle or a girlfriend?

I've been out of college for a year now, let me tell you how it is. The economy sucks. I read an article a little while ago that for every job out there on average 6 people are fighting for it. You are asking the entirely wrong question right now. The question you SHOULD be asking is "What do I have to do to be better than the other 6!?"

Up until now, chances are your parents have covered most of your bills. Guess what? You have to pay your own way now. You probably have student loans too.

What makes you better than all of the other jobless college graduates looking for a job right now? If you can't answer that, and if that answer is not a part of your entire being, nevermind girls, that's the last thing you will get.

The real world is made up of 2 kinds of people. Those who make things happen, and those who roll over. What are you going to do?

To answer your question, go for your masters part time, hang out with your co workers (if you have what it takes to get a decent job), hang out with people in your apartment complex. People don't just fall off the face of the Earth after college. Its just that they aren't as friendly, because the real world counts and everyone is your competition.

And coincidentally, once your priorities are straight, you'll probably have all the girls and friends in the world.

 

[Kerpal]

^ You mistakenly assume I'm not already doing all those things. Yet for some reason I'm not surrounded by friends with women throwing themselves at me. Anyway, what incentive to get a good job and be "successful" do I have if I'm not having any fun or getting laid?

As to the point about social circles being vital to meeting women, I have to agree. I'm completely dumbfounded by some of the advice about meeting people/women on here sometimes. The vast majority of the time you are not going to walk up to a random girl on the street and get her number or whatever. She's just going to think you're a creepy guy walking around by yourself.

People are in their groups, the groups are incredibly exclusive, and if you're not in one you're ****ed. If you don't have a group, you're ****ed in just about everything and you're not getting laid. That's basically the bottom line and It's becoming more and more clear to me every day just how ****ed I am in this regard.

 

[Kerpal]

Well, I found the list of all clubs at my school and none of them are things I'm really interested in at all. There is a BJJ club which I will probably end up checking out but it's going to be all guys, so I won't be meeting any women there.

Also, one of my roommates is doing intramural softball and said he might be able to get me on the team even though the sign-ups for it are over already.

 

[courage99]

You need to accept that your childhood and college are past. I also had a very ****ty childhood and used to spend all of my time being angry about it. There is no point.

Accept it, dont let the past hold you back. Also women are not just gonna vanish now that you're not in college - there's probably 1000's of girls in your same position (leaving college).

And if you're worried about sitting in an office all day - well just use your lunch break for doing day game.

 

[J. Darko]

Another question that comes to mind, why do they say that the best way to have a relationship is by meeting the girl in a social circle?

A girl in your social circle knows what you are worth. She has seen that you are a 200 lbs solid muscled olympic weightlifter because you've been to the gym with her one time. She has seen that you are a leader, because you've been on a vacation with her and some friends and you took the initiative all the time. She has seen how beautiful you can be when you two were at a birthday party and you were all dressed up. She also knows that you are a millionaire because you've talked to her for a while and told her about your job eventually. In a social circle, you get a chance to prove yourself.

Now you cold approach a girl in a bar. She sees your face and instantly decides she doesn't give you chance. She will never know that you are a leader. She will never know how good you look in a suit. She will never know that you are a 200 lbs olympic weightlifter because you have your clothes on and you are just as huge as a random fat guy. She doesn't know you are a millionaire because she doesn't even like talking to you.

That's why cold approaching sucks and social circles rock.

 

[Kerpal]

Yeah, when you meet someone through your friends you are instantly vetted. You have social proof and etc. If you approach a random girl you're just some creepy guy by himself. Everyone is obsessed with groups, so not being in a group pretty much dooms you. In EVERY single hook-up, relationship etc. I've seen in college, the people met through social groups.

Not to mention that without a group, your chances of actually meeting any girls is quite low. My classes literally have a 10-1 ratio of guys to girls (and the few girls are fat), same at the gym, same at all the parties I go to. I think I could have a lot more success with women if I actually had a chance to meet some.

 

[J. Darko]

Yeah, when you meet someone through your friends you are instantly vetted. You have social proof and etc. If you approach a random girl you're just some creepy guy by himself. Everyone is obsessed with groups, so not being in a group pretty much dooms you. In EVERY single hook-up, relationship etc. I've seen in college, the people met through social groups.

Not to mention that without a group, your chances of actually meeting any girls is quite low. My classes literally have a 10-1 ratio of guys to girls (and the few girls are fat), same at the gym, same at all the parties I go to. I think I could have a lot more success with women if I actually had a chance to meet some.

I know man, it sucks. I've been working on it whole my life, but had a lot of bad experiences. Then I thought to myself: who cares about having friends, wether other people like me or not. I just do it myself. I can live on my own, go out by myself, approach girls out of the blue...I was wrong. Doing things for yourself only works for movie characters.

Lets just do something about it. My first step will be figuring out what I want from life. That's the hardest part, been at it for months and I don't know what the hell I want.

 

[Ease]

'Social circle' means friends of friends.

Not try to get in with your friends.

They're still new people that you haven't really talked to, but you have at least some connection. That's the most common way of success.

 

[EFFORT]

despite me desperately trying to turn things around

What have you done to turn things around?

 

[Kerpal]

^ Pretty much all the standard advice that's given on this board.

 

[Falcon25]

1. Start working on your physical appearance ! Become visually pleasing to the opposite sex.

2. Learn how to communicate and interact with people. I see tons of social outcasts all the time and I always wondered what made them so different from cool people. I talked with quite a few of them and I noticed alot of UN-social people don't know how to make others feel good about themselves or relate with people other than themselves. A good audio book to get is Dale Carnegie's How to win friends.

3. Social outcasts are WAY to opinionated and less tolerant of other ideas. If you want people to like you you have to respect their ideas even though they may be wrong or silly you have to respect them. You don't have to agree with them but you should be tolerant in a positive way. (think about that last sentence for a second)

4. As a social outcast...NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU OR YOUR PROBLEMS. The sooner you learn that the better !! After you have gained the respect and friendship of other people still no one will care about you or your problems. People like you for how you make them feel, or what value you add to their lives.

5. As a human being you exist to serve and help other human beings...REMEMBER THAT !!!

6. The angrier you get and the more you care...the less people will like you.

If you can take life in stride and care only when people earn your attention you will be seen as a reliable man that has the strength to succeed no matter how hard things get (that temporarily inspires people).

7. Try not to get mad about things EVER !!!

8. Sarcasm, Arguing, backhanded compliments, and NEGATIVEl opinions WON'T WIN YOU FRIENDS.

9. NEVER reveal your PERSONAL problems and issues to anyone. That was the OLD you and you are trying to KILL the old you. The NEW you has problems but problems that other people can sympathize with...Like running late to a meeting, eating cold pizza, and the price of gas.

General problems that we all go through and we all relate with.

10. The less opinionated you are the better !

Other tips:

Use dating sites to learn how to talk to people. You can develop a very STRONG verbal game when you have time to think about what to say and practice through e-mail and IM's.

Use social groups like face book and meetup.com to get involved with activities and be around other people. This will teach you how to interact with a variety of personality types on the fly. It will also expose you to people on a much more intimate level. Much harder than dating sites this will keep you around people instead of cooped up and lonely.

It takes about a 3 - 4 years to start to get it...but if you follow my advice and practice it daily I guarantee you your lives will change.

solid. great advice.

 

[War Against Betaism]

Well, I found the list of all clubs at my school and none of them are things I'm really interested in at all. There is a BJJ club which I will probably end up checking out but it's going to be all guys, so I won't be meeting any women there.

Also, one of my roommates is doing intramural softball and said he might be able to get me on the team even though the sign-ups for it are over already.

And here's your problem; you're saying you're doing everything in your power to change things around, but you actually AREN'T! You think it's hard, but what I've realized is that college is tailor made for making it SO EASY for you to meet other people. You just don't want it, you're hoping that your problems will fix themselves up by some divine miracle and you're just coming on here reading the advice and applying none of it.

Not to be mean but everyone is giving you advice but you're making excuses for yourself not to go through with it, like joining a club, here's what you had to say about it: "Stuff I wouldn't be interested in anyways," and "There's only guys there," and in your other topic I suggested joining a fraternity and this is what you had to say "I don't have the social skills anyways to be part of one." I'm sorry but all I'm hearing from you right now is EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES!

Right now I'm thinking you're just too comfortable in your own comfort zone but want more without earning it. Believe me, pretty sure most of us were in the same position as you, shoot I was worse imo. I used to be seen as a prick, and it took me YEARS to change up my personality and even more experimentation, a lot of jumping around different groups of friends as a result of being outcasted from each of them, and right now I have three main groups of friends that are all close to me. I made and burn lots of bridges because I was a prick, was viewed as a negative nancy, literally the opposite of EVERYTHING in that bullet point post Drum&Bass made a page back. Not to blow my own horn but wanna know what people think of me now? Everyone thinks I'm super chill, I'm super funny, and I'm one of the coolest guys around. It took A LOT OF WORK, but it was WORTH IT in the end. I wanted it BADLY and I GOT IT! Do YOU?

Now enough of that. Seriously if I was you right now, I don't care how many guys are in that club, I'll join it anyways. You wanted a circle of friends? There you have it, a group of guys right there for you to be friends with. Seriously if I was you, I would join clubs I'd have zero knowledge in! Yes I really would, it wouldn't be as hard as an endeavor as you'd think either. What I've realized is that unless they're just plain pricks, people LOVE being teachers and they LOVE seeing whoever they're mentoring develop and grow. Just as long you stick with it and fully dedicate yourself to improving whatever it is you do and drop the negative attitude. If you end up being on that softball team, devote yourself to being better; don't just go there looking for friends expecting not to work your ass off for it. If you suck for the entire season, it just gives them reason to NOT be your friend.

Seriously, get off your ass and do SOMETHING! And DON'T come up with excuses on how you're not going to do it either.

 

[BigJimbo]

Due to dysfunctional family, social anxiety, and severe depression, I basically didn't have a childhood, didn't have any friends/fun in high school, and I'm in my last year of college but no real changes so far despite me desperately trying to turn things around. So I've basically missed out on everything up to this point.

So now I'm wondering... what are things going to be like after college? Everyone says that these are supposed to be "the best years of your life", but it hasn't been too good for me, and the clock is ticking. If I'm not making any friends or having much fun now when it's supposedly so easy, what's going to happen when I graduate and end up stuck in an office all day?

Anyone here have no fun in high school/college but turned things around after graduating, or have I used up all my chances?

You are totally screwed. Don't believe these guys. They are younger than you! America is a cruel land for a boy once he finishes school. It is tough. I wouldn't want to be you. You will find a broad when you get older. One day some 33 year old broad will give in and marry you. Of course you will be her age. I suggest finding Jesus or watching Fox News or maybe getting into football. Basically what keeps American men living.

Laugh when I say Ukraine. But when a country is known for setting up guys like this with girls who look like his daughter (but prettier). MMM...makes you wonder? Those are the eyes of an American man who has been unleashed. It is a scary thing to see. I see it all the time. Imagine those three broads in the Land of Freedom! I wonder if they would find it hard to find a man with status in NYC?
http://www.loveme.com/tour/photos/women_tour_kharkov-sumy_05-06/women_tour_kharkov-sumy_05-06_4.jpg
I feel sorry for you guys...NOT! :crackup:

 

[Kerpal]

And here's your problem; you're saying you're doing everything in your power to change things around, but you actually AREN'T! You think it's hard, but what I've realized is that college is tailor made for making it SO EASY for you to meet other people. You just don't want it, you're hoping that your problems will fix themselves up by some divine miracle and you're just coming on here reading the advice and applying none of it.

Not to be mean but everyone is giving you advice but you're making excuses for yourself not to go through with it, like joining a club, here's what you had to say about it: "Stuff I wouldn't be interested in anyways," and "There's only guys there," and in your other topic I suggested joining a fraternity and this is what you had to say "I don't have the social skills anyways to be part of one." I'm sorry but all I'm hearing from you right now is EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES!

Right now I'm thinking you're just too comfortable in your own comfort zone but want more without earning it. Believe me, pretty sure most of us were in the same position as you, shoot I was worse imo. I used to be seen as a prick, and it took me YEARS to change up my personality and even more experimentation, a lot of jumping around different groups of friends as a result of being outcasted from each of them, and right now I have three main groups of friends that are all close to me. I made and burn lots of bridges because I was a prick, was viewed as a negative nancy, literally the opposite of EVERYTHING in that bullet point post Drum&Bass made a page back. Not to blow my own horn but wanna know what people think of me now? Everyone thinks I'm super chill, I'm super funny, and I'm one of the coolest guys around. It took A LOT OF WORK, but it was WORTH IT in the end. I wanted it BADLY and I GOT IT! Do YOU?

Now enough of that. Seriously if I was you right now, I don't care how many guys are in that club, I'll join it anyways. You wanted a circle of friends? There you have it, a group of guys right there for you to be friends with. Seriously if I was you, I would join clubs I'd have zero knowledge in! Yes I really would, it wouldn't be as hard as an endeavor as you'd think either. What I've realized is that unless they're just plain pricks, people LOVE being teachers and they LOVE seeing whoever they're mentoring develop and grow. Just as long you stick with it and fully dedicate yourself to improving whatever it is you do and drop the negative attitude. If you end up being on that softball team, devote yourself to being better; don't just go there looking for friends expecting not to work your ass off for it. If you suck for the entire season, it just gives them reason to NOT be your friend.

Seriously, get off your ass and do SOMETHING! And DON'T come up with excuses on how you're not going to do it either.

Again, I am doing and trying different things. It's not like I'm just sitting here whining and not going out and trying to interact at all. I've been going out practically every weekend and some nights during the week as well with my roommates, and trying to become friendly with my roommates' friends. You have no idea how out of my comfort zone I am consistently placing myself and how nerve wracking social situations can be for someone like me.

You have to understand that I have a highly dysfunctional family, mental problems and severely stunted social skills. I've gone YEARS at a time barely leaving my house. If you grew up normally, in a typical suburban childhood, you just can't understand. Just having a conversation with people without putting my foot in my mouth is a struggle.

Do you lift weights? If you don't, a good analogy is this: you probably think deadlifting 500 lbs is hard. To me, it's not really a big deal. But if I saw you in the gym with a 500 lb barbell and I said "Just lift it!", that wouldn't really help you lift the weight, would it? Me going into social situations is basically your version of a 500 lb deadlift. This tough love approach does not work for people like me, you're wasting your time and mine by posting stuff like this because you're assuming that I already have the "groundwork" of social skills laid and I'm simply being lazy, when that just isn't the case.

 

[Kerpal]

You are totally screwed. Don't believe these guys. They are younger than you! America is a cruel land for a boy once he finishes school. It is tough. I wouldn't want to be you. You will find a broad when you get older. One day some 33 year old broad will give in and marry you. Of course you will be her age. I suggest finding Jesus or watching Fox News or maybe getting into football. Basically what keeps American men living.

Laugh when I say Ukraine. But when a country is known for setting up guys like this with girls who look like his daughter (but prettier). MMM...makes you wonder? Those are the eyes of an American man who has been unleashed. It is a scary thing to see. I see it all the time. Imagine those three broads in the Land of Freedom! I wonder if they would find it hard to find a man with status in NYC?
http://www.loveme.com/tour/photos/women_tour_kharkov-sumy_05-06/women_tour_kharkov-sumy_05-06_4.jpg
I feel sorry for you guys...NOT! :crackup:

The poorer the country is, the more accepting they are of creepy old guys hitting on young girls. Funny how that works :crackup: Except you can see the girls aren't really into it. See how the girl is leaning away from the guy, while simultaneously smiling for the camera? Sad. I'd like people to like me for who I am, not because I have more money than they do. If I want to pay a girl to pretend to like me I can just call an escort service.

BTW, when I'm on campus I'm constantly surrounded by girls as good looking or better than those in the picture. (Unfortunately because of my major, none of them are in my classes). Ukraine does not have a monopoly on attractive women (or escort services for that matter :crackup.

 

[War Against Betaism]

I didn't grow up normally, I grew up in the projects a minority amongst minorities. I could blabble on how the mexicans, arabics, and blacks looked down on me and permanently stunted my social growth because I was that asian kid who was everyone's pick dog. I barely remember anything before 5th grade but if there's one thing about kindergarten I remember, I was so full of social anxiety people literally thought I was mute. For most of high school I LITERALLY had a speech problem people made fun of me for it. I didn't open my mouth when I talked so I got the name "Fiddy" because of 50 cent, and people said I sounded like that "Clear Eyes" commercial guy. Again you seriously think you're the only person in the world that had to start off 100ft under.

And I'm glad you brought up that analogy because it PERFECTLY reflects your situation. You brought up not wanting to join that club because there's no women in it? You're already thinking WAAAAAAAY ahead here. If I tried lifting that 500lbs pound, of course I wouldn't be able to lift it right away; I would however work my way in hopes that one day I WILL be able to lift it. Right now you don't seem to want to work on your personality and just want the results to come right NOW. If I out of all people, an asian kid in high school who had a speech problem, no social skills, opinionated, a prick always talking sh1t because that was the only way to get attention, awkward body language, social anxiety, just everything awkward about me, I'm convinced ANYONE can turn their life around, but right now what I'm seeing is that you're just making too many excuses. You're holding on waaaaaay too much to your past blaming your parents, your family problems, and making them all convenient excuses for you to latch on when you ultimately fail.

 

[Kerpal]

Your background is actually extremely similar to mine.

You're right, I do want results NOW because nothing I have tried so far has worked and the clock is ticking. I have less than a year of school left, less than a year to have fun and make social connections and network and all that ****.

The reason I'm here is for more specific advice. For example, which clubs to join, what to do when I show up for the meeting, etc. Just telling me to lift the weight does not help me, what will help is giving me some ideas as to which exercises to do to get stronger so I can eventually lift that weight.

 

[War Against Betaism]

Have you ever heard me flaunting the book around "How To Make Great Conversation And Small Talk"? It's my favourite self improvement book ever, taught me much more than any of the advice, the bible, has ever given me. All that other advice is good for sculpting out a foundation but what good is that if you have no foundation in the first place to mold out? This book is what provided me that foundation.

 

[Kerpal]

I just downloaded it, I'll start reading it right now.

 

[War Against Betaism]

Hopefully that'll be the final piece to the puzzle, because honestly before reading that book (I suggest reading just the first 30 or so pages, it's all you really need from it since everything else in it is stuff you've already read from other material), I would say I was in the same exact position as you. Felt like I was set up for failure, frustrated because no matter how much material that I've read, nothing worked for me and I was making close to no progress at all. No matter how much I tried nothing worked; it felt like all these other improvements I've made in my life were just incremental. Then I read that book and it almost changed my entire life around; like everything aligned itself in place. I still needed work but it's like a train lost from its tracks and it bumped me onto the tracks setting me on the right path. I try my best to promote it because I feel like more than half the people on this board are on the same boat; sculpting a sculpture with no foundation.