Life after a Border Line Personality Disorder Fiance??

[notsocuttoronto]

Hi All,

First time here and just wanted to give you abit of a story and need help rebuilding my life....This is the shorten version

I first met my BPD over 10 years ago and since then we have an off and on relationship during this whole period. Numerous (around 6) break ups (all by her of course) with excuses such as "I dont have the same love for you" or "im not in love with you anymore" type excuses. Shes in her early thirties and has had plenty of men in her life since she was 14. In fact she has been engaged 2 times when she was younger. Shes never kept a relationship for longer than 1 year and she has been continously with someone or multiple people between our break ups over the 10 year period.

Even her best friend said before we broke up " you should of seen all the men that she was taking home", this is before we hooked up 2 years ago. We hooked up again two years ago and me (knowing how stupid i am now for doing this now) proposed to her a year ago while on a island, thinking that she has changed for the better.....Think again.....

So we were suppose to get married in 3 months and she called it off....stating that She knows that she can find someone that she will love as much as I loved her....what a load of crap? This happened 2 months ago but now i have saw the light and have realised that she exhibits a woman with BPD?? Just want to get peoples thoughts about it?? Also if anyone has experience such a emotional vampire can you please share your story with me?? Also has anyone out there recovered from a BPD and like to share your success stories? That would be greatly appreciated!

As for me I am rebuilding my life now and going to see the world soon both with my job and going on vacation....I know that i have to get out of this viscous cycle and would be interested on how other people did case by case.

 

[bigneil]

Hi All,

First time here and just wanted to give you abit of a story and need help rebuilding my life....This is the shorten version

I first met my BPD over 10 years ago and since then we have an off and on relationship during this whole period. Numerous (around 6) break ups (all by her of course) with excuses such as "I dont have the same love for you" or "im not in love with you anymore" type excuses. Shes in her early thirties and has had plenty of men in her life since she was 14. In fact she has been engaged 2 times when she was younger. Shes never kept a relationship for longer than 1 year and she has been continously with someone or multiple people between our break ups over the 10 year period.

Even her best friend said before we broke up " you should of seen all the men that she was taking home", this is before we hooked up 2 years ago. We hooked up again two years ago and me (knowing how stupid i am now for doing this now) proposed to her a year ago while on a island, thinking that she has changed for the better.....Think again.....

So we were suppose to get married in 3 months and she called it off....stating that She knows that she can find someone that she will love as much as I loved her....what a load of crap? This happened 2 months ago but now i have saw the light and have realised that she exhibits a woman with BPD?? Just want to get peoples thoughts about it?? Also if anyone has experience such a emotional vampire can you please share your story with me?? Also has anyone out there recovered from a BPD and like to share your success stories? That would be greatly appreciated!

As for me I am rebuilding my life now and going to see the world soon both with my job and going on vacation....I know that i have to get out of this viscous cycle and would be interested on how other people did case by case.

Your mistakes are in bold. Dude you've been a punching bag for a decade. What are you thinking? You should have had 10 hot women in that time. She must be hotter than other women who are interested in you, so you probably need to get in shape and start detoxing and eating better to improve.

Anyhow, once you go non-BPD, you never go back to BPD. In hindsight, I think low interest was much more of a factor than BPD with my oneitis. It took me a whole year to get over her, including dating 5 other women I had sex with. The 5th one cured me by virtue of her healing energy. You need to find a woman who is always smiling.

 

[Johnnyventana]

Read this:
How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Then post your story on the newbie forum and read the leaving forum.

And stay away from that chick!

 

[Alex DeLarge]

After seeing a BPD woman a while ago, it has definitely created skepticism in me for who I date.. While this may be good, it can also be horrible when the notion of "trust issues" runs rampant within your head. It's okay to be skeptical toward a woman if you know for sure she's seeing other men, but when you think she went out with another guy just cause she flaked on a date it becomes a problem.

This was happening to me for the longest time. I would have 2 great dates with a girl and she'd be really into me. 3rd time comes around and she can't for some reason.. Then I'd lose my sh1t and become all paranoid. Thinking every single girl was just like that BPD I was seeing a while ago.

It's important to calm yourself through whatever practice necessary, whether it be working out, a favorite hobby, seeing friends, anything really to get these trust issues out of your head. You shouldn't feel distrustful unless she gives you some concrete evidence to be that way. For all you know she could really be sick or really be busy with work. You just need to give her the benefit of the doubt in the meantime to remain sane in your own head and get yourself out of the "I am the victim" mindset.

I have adapted the "I am the prize" mindset for myself truly for the first time recently. (Especially after witnessing one of the most recent girls I am seeing makeout with another guy in front of me at a party.) If the girl does something stupid, I will not feel like the victim, in fact.. She is the victim because now, she does not have me by her side.

Some people may call this egotistical, but it is totally not unless you are using it for manipulative reasons. It's purely loving yourself and believing that you deserve better, and knowing that someone better is in fact out there who will share mutual respect in dating with you.

.. And let me tell you folks.. There is no woman who is more sad than the woman without a man by her side to comfort her. No matter what "liberated woman" jargon you may here, it is the truth.

 

[Down Low]

There's really no such thing as "borderline personality disorder." It's a nonsense term that disguises shoddy psychiatric investigation into the root causes of the illness of the patient.

I'm in the same situation as you. I learned her problems in bits and pieces. In the process, I learned a whole lot about many issues that I wish I were blissfully ignorant of.

There is no quick and easy recovery from years of damage to yourself. I always say, there are no end of people who want to drag you down to their level and dance on your face, claiming victory and feeling above you that they were able to provoke you. I didn't use to understand why men would cloister themselves away in a monastery; now I do.

You just need normal life. Try to associate with normal people and avoid those who seem a bit off.

 

[notsocuttoronto]

Is it possible to be over it or fed up with it so quickly? Becoz my progress
And ppl around me say that I'm recovering really quickly... I just hope that I'm
Not ignoring my feelings...

 

[bigneil]

BPD is a term used by men on SS to describe women who have so little feelings for them that they seem inhuman.

You see, it's not that we weren't that hot, it's that she had a rare mental disorder.

 

[TonyBaloney]

Hey bigneil,

Think that you know that your going to ruffle alot of feathers with that last statement.

A fair point in some regards though; perhaps we do sometimes look too far into things as men sitting in our caves, and hopefully most of the time it has the desired therapeutic effect.

But theres no denying it that there are some evil *****es out there. Id be happy to get let down in a normal way, without all the strange chaos that some of these women create.

I reckon I have had one full blown BPD, and one with serious BPD like issues.
With all of the 80 odd girls that I have shagged/relationshipped up with, i've never gone out of my way to hurt, knock the confidence of, and generally mentally screw any of them over - Why should I have? It was either sex I wanted, or a relationship that just didnt work....

I wonder if there is a more astute classification system that could be found from a scientific site?

It certainly does seem that we bandy BPD around alot, when there are so many complaints these women get - added to the complete head FOOOK that they call feminism, and other AFC type schemes that let women get the upper hand with men....

If anybody has a more defined scheme - bring it on!

 

[SgtSplacker]

Waitaminute... anyone on here saying that BPD does not exist has obviously never met a real person with BPD. Were not just talking general dysfunction/*****iness here guys. There are very particular symptoms to this, so you either have it or you don't. Do your research...

I came here today because I was seeing someone with BPD. I would call her a mild sufferer, she can be relatively normal sometimes. But it is very easy for her to fall into the borderline way of being 110%. We dated for about 7 months, must have broken up at least 30 times. At this point she is crazy about me, and i'm basically having a hard time staying away from her. She is very loving with me, and says she is all better. But I know better than that, there's a part of me that wants to give her a chance. And a part of me that says to get away. It's hard to turn your back on someone that is so dedicated to you, despite any reasons you may have. So I came here today to hopefully find some strength to stay NoContact with her. But it's hard knowing I can have her in my bed tonight in the best of ways if I wanted to. And you know how lonely you feel right after a breakup, your empty apartment just echoes desolation...

And I found exactly the motivation I was looking for in "Johnnyventana's" link. THANKS JOHNNY!!!!! That link is spot on!!!

 

[AlexDP]

BPD is a term used by men on SS to describe women who have so little feelings for them that they seem inhuman.

You see, it's not that we weren't that hot, it's that she had a rare mental disorder.

That is not what BPD is. Also, just so you know, BPD is far from a rare mental disorder. It is one of the most, if not the most, common personality disorder affecting an incredible number of girls. BPD relationships all follow the exact same pattern and the last thing one would associate with BPD is "little feelings for them". The feelings go from intense "love" to intense "hate", finally ending in utter indifference, which is generally only faked. No, it is an emotional rollercoaster for both parties involved and you know it's BPD when it's the same damn rollercoaster others have been on.

If you haven't been involved with one, you really cannot comment on the issue. The term BPD might be abused around here, but it is very real. And very dangerous too I might add. I wish you encounter one of these creatures though, because you have a lot to learn. Although.. from the looks of it, your last "relationship" might be one .

 

[loveshogun]

For some reason, my troll radar went off when I read this post. I'll give benefit of the doubt this time.

OP - she's already out of your life. If you keep her out, along with others like her, then at least 50 percent of your problems are already taken care of.

You don't need to read 50 books on someone else's problem when that person has nothing to offer but pain and abuse. If you wanna get into charity, go medical volunteering in Africa or southeast Asia instead of playing the white knight whenever this woman needs something from you.

What I'm trying to say is that you should use your time to become a person who you can look in the mirror and be proud to see. That kind of person wouldn't bow down to this kind of treatment for 10 hours, much less 10 years.

Sounds harsh, but hey - we're actually helping. Harsh is what this harpy did to you. For 10 years, Jesus Christ!

 

[notsocuttoronto]

I know just over it and fed up...I've been improving myself day to day and making my self proud of myself if that makes sense.

In the space of these years here is some of the things that she has done to me which has made me realized that she is a bpd also:

1. Pulled a knife to my throat after a big fite, then after slitting her wrist. Tried to break it up then and there but she was begging
2. Got her friends to threaten me after a big argument late at nite
3. On and off rollercoaster calling me when she is single but she claiming that I call her which was never the case
4. Hasn't had a long term relationship in her life longest was prolly with me.
5. Alcholic father that has a new family now and a ex gambler of a mother
6. Parents where never around when she was young as the mum was always at work and they divorced becoz the dad was abusive.

Is that enough evidence of a bpd? At the end of the day it's no excuse for this type of behavior as she is a adult that should know the diff between right and wrong. Any I am hugely relieved that I never married into that and she did really do me the favor. Next time I should have enough self worth to never get mixed up with a person with similar traits like this EVER.

Good luck to the next fool aye....

 

[Johnnyventana]

The "nice" thing about wondering if you have a borderline chick or not, is that you always end up with a list like that notsocuttoronto of red flags.

In other words, you were right to run, in either case.

Yes, an argument for sure could be made that your chick meets at least 5 of the 9 items that indicates bpd.

And yes, knowing is helpful because you/we then need to examine why in the world we put up with this ****e from this one very specific individual.

I recommend that you read this: IF LOOKS COULD KILL Anatomy of a Borderline

As well as the articles on the site that discuss why on earth anyone would put up with these H0s.

 

[bigneil]

BPD is far from a rare mental disorder. It is one of the most, if not the most, common personality disorder affecting an incredible number of girls.

Exactly! Namely 100%. (i.e. normalization).

If you follow the proper mindset, no BPD woman can affect you because you won't tolerate it! BPD can only be experienced by men who put up with it (a form of sadomasochism). Trust me, I know. I was in love with such a woman who I thought had BPD but now I realize I had AFC.

Normal girl: "She broke up with me!"
BPD girl: "She broke up with me 1000 times!"

Whose fault is that? Mine!

To those being driven to suicide over this. I sympathize because I reached that low point too. My advice: remember how much she'll celebrate if you pull the trigger! That got me through. Now I'm telling her how great my life is one year later.

 

[AlexDP]

Exactly! Namely 100%. (i.e. normalization).

If you follow the proper mindset, no BPD woman can affect you because you won't tolerate it! BPD can only be experienced by men who put up with it (a form of sadomasochism). Trust me, I know. I was in love with such a woman who I thought had BPD but now I realize I had AFC.

Normal girl: "She broke up with me!"
BPD girl: "She broke up with me 1000 times!"

Whose fault is that? Mine!

To those being driven to suicide over this. I sympathize because I reached that low point too. My advice: remember how much she'll celebrate if you pull the trigger! That got me through. Now I'm telling her how great my life is one year later.

What you're saying has been said a billion times before. Borderlines go for people with codependent traits. AFC's as you call it, have these traits. If you're in a relationship with a borderline, something is wrong with you. Nonetheless, BPD still exists.

 

[Down Low]

Actually, I've run across far too many women with genuine personality disorders. Some guys don't have the stomach for it, so they "try" to figure out what's wrong, then bail. If you can endure more than most, you can succeed at figuring out what's wrong. Then bail.

One gal was raped by her stepfather at age 14. Her poverty-stricken mom couldn't afford to believe her. From that point on, she stop maturing mentally. For lack of a better term, I call it "Peter Pan syndrome." Since then, I noticed the same disorder in a couple of male colleagues.

Another gal had Westermarck's paradox, where she had a lifelong f0ck buddy in a close relative she grew up with. People have a normal aversion to sex with a sibling, are repelled and disgusted by it, and try to wash it out by having another relationship. But that's like cheating because he was such a big part of her life for so many years. They're in a self-destructive cycle of hypergamy, male submission, cheating, lies, denial, and so on.

I had some other gals with other problems too. Not to mention problems I saw in some friends and family members.

Having a different opinion than yours doesn't mean that everyone who disagrees with you must be uninformed or must be lying to one's self about one's own shortcomings.

 

[notsocuttoronto]

Anyone have success stories of getting over a bpd?

 

[SgtSplacker]

I'd love to hear some too. Searching on the internet there are none, and I have been researching this lately. I just recently broke things off with a mildly borderline lady, who said she loved me dearly. And if I thought there was hope I might have stuck it out with her. Most professionals say that recovery is long and slow and there's no meds that take this away. BPDs just have to relearn how to control their emotions. It's almost like having to grow up again, and takes almost as much time.

I don't know why but i'm just putting this out there:
A: Don't let the sex cloud your judgment.
B: It is contagious, you will eventually go Borderline and any children will for sure develop it eventually after exposure to their BPD mother for long enough.
C: Be careful not to confuse empathy for love.

 

[The_411]

Depends how you define success. It's certainly left permanent effects on me. However, she's out of my life and has been for 2 1/2 years.

I've dated in the meantime and I learned a lot of personality disorders, learned about my own issues through therapy.

I still have some lingering issues but those are about me not her.

We we get into BPD/HPD relationships it is because there's something that's missing in our own mental state. Doesn't mean we're bad people it just means that along the way whether it's behavioral or chemical we developed low self esteem/poor social skills.

In my case I have ADD which in and of itself can make dating difficult, that's why when my BPD ex came along you get hooked because here's this girl making you feel like a champion when in the past you luck with women and social skills haven't been great. They are great at validating you and slowly chipping away that initial validation.

To the point it's not really about getting over her but it's about learning about you and what creates the fear, anxiety, low self esteem that prevents you from valuing yourself at the level you should value yourself.

Once you can give yourself credit and treat yourself fairly you'll be able to meet women who aren't insane and have a meaningful relationship.

However, you'll always have to be careful because you're always going to be susceptible to BPD women.

 

[AlexDP]

There are loads of succes stories. The single most important factor is examining your own feelings. You're going to have to define them. As soon as you define them, you can do something about them. It is tough work and you're going to have to face your weaknesses. By God, it's not fun. But if you work through this, you'll have a better understanding of yourself, why people act the way they do and how to make better life choices. All in all, it's probably a good thing you met the borderline.

Also, I don't think one can go borderline, but the crazymaking definitely affects you up to the point you might find yourself uttering "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers".