Libertine's personal growth log.

[The Libertine]

I am still not sure what I want to do.

The girl from my class wants her ex's friend. And I wanted her. But now I don't feel anything.

Then there's the editor of the newspaper that I've gone out with one time. She's totally inexperienced- she has never even kissed a guy and she'll turn 18 this year. She is really a great person. But I'm not sure on her looks though. And I don't know how I should feel about being someone's first. I do not what I'll do. I think I'll go out on a date with her and decide then.

Then there are the girls from lower grade. I like 4 of them but I think I have an opportunity to do something with two of them. The first one is Lis from my previous logs. She invited me to her birthday party some time ago but yesterday she sent me an official invite with the address on facebook. Here's how the conversation went.
Lis: on the 11th .....(the adress and the time) birthday [] i'll be happy if you come []
Me: Ok [] i'll most probably come []
Lis: i'll be really happy if you do []
Me: Thanks for the invite []
Lis: (something that translates to roughly- it won't be the same without you []
Me: True that []

So there are two possibilities- either she likes me, or I have really huge social status among her social group . Or maybe it's both. But most of our interactions are either escalation in parties or really short conversations on facebook. She's really cute though so I'll see what I can do.

Then there's the other one- we met a couple of months ago but we barely talked untill monday when me and her were selling the school's newspaper and every time we met around the halls I teased her about being a better salesman and how I was sexier and stuff. And yesterday she sees me and greets me with a hug and teases me how she sold more. She is either really really friendly or she likes me. She's cute IMO, but I'm not sure entirely about her looks.

Then there are other girls I may or may not talk to and/or hook up with at the party.

I am in a pretty strange position right now- I attract girls as I'm constantly surrounded by 4-6 girls (my friends,most of them hot) when I walk around school and I seem like a pimp. But then the girl that I really wanted to have is friendzoning me. Which sucks.

She wants what she can't have. She really likes me as a person and I think that if I make her a bit jealous she will get attracted to me.

 

[LearningSlowly]

I think you're "not sure about their looks" because you're worried about what people will think. Ignore that part of your brain, the "protect my reputation!!" part is useless. If she's hot enough that you would have sex with her if you were on vacation and no one would ever know, you should probably have sex with her at home.

 

[The Libertine]

I went out with the editor yesterday. She verbally rejected me because of two reasons- first is that I'm almost 2 years younger than her. The second is because she needs time to get comfortable around a guy. So basically she will be ready right after I lose interest. After rejecting me verbally I just engaged douche mode- playfighting ,throwing her in the snow and being a ****. She laughed the whole time and used her every opportunity to hold my hand. Like she grabs my hand so I don't throw her in the snow and then she continues holding it even as I back-off. I know I can do something with this girl. I just don't know if I have the nerves to wait. And I kinda feel it immoral as she's a prude.

 

[Amo]

After rejecting me verbally I just engaged douche mode- playfighting ,throwing her in the snow and being a ****.

If this is your "douche mode", then your "normal mode" probably got rejected for a reason.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Just go for her. She's either into you or playing games.

 

[The Libertine]

If this is your "douche mode", then your "normal mode" probably got rejected for a reason.

Elaborate on that,please.

@Jaedon- I know she's into me. It's just that she has way less experience than any of the girls I've hooked up with.She actually has none. So it's a bit harder to escalate.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

He means That is not being a douche. If that's being a douche to you, then your normal mode isn't assertive enough.
Translates to: you're being a *****.

 

[The Libertine]

He means That is not being a douche. If that's being a douche to you, then your normal mode isn't assertive enough.
Translates to: you're being a *****.

Yeah now I get it. Generally I act like that. So douche mode wasn't the best thing to describe it. But I was a genuinely nice guy up until last year and I didn't get physical with girls so I still need to push myself to do it. Hence, having a name for it.

 

[The Libertine]

I had a pretty ****ty day yesterday. The party didn't go anywhere near as expected. Time to find some new girls....

 

[Amo]

Just call it "beast mode" and live in it. Always.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Or "Jaedon Mode" and be it.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Or "Jaedon Mode" and be it.

Just suck my tits already.

 

[The Libertine]

Sooo,I think I'll write a report on my life atm.
So last weekend was the party. I had some great expectations. But I didn't do ****. So basically my week went like this-

Saturday- I went to the ACTA protest,went to a pub after that. There I call up the girl I love (legit) as I had a cigar in her and wanted to get it before the party. She comes with one of my new friends (they were out on a date). And being the cool guy I am (even though I really do love her and want to be with her someday) I make them hookup with my awesome wingbro skills.

After chilling in the pub untill around 6 and getting my mood down (I am a huge Liverpool supporter and they lost to manchester united) I tell her (lets call her Diane) that she should dress like a slut and come to the party with me. I then go cut my hair,shower,dress up and take her from hers at 8. We go to the party and she's pretending to be all over me (making girls jealous and ****) as that was the plan.

But right then the night starts getting ****. I had two targets for that night- Lis (whose party it was) and M. who wasn't there at all. So Lis was into me,but she was with her cirlcle of guys that wanted her and they were some nazi skinheads. And as I'm turkish and they were bigger and with combat boots it wasn't a good idea to grab their attention- if they knew who I was they would have beaten me up pretty harshly.I drink a bottle and something of wine and Diane drinks too. We get pretty drunk at this moment. I know her so I shouldn't have left her out of sight but I did and in that minute some guy kissed her.

That isn't really an integral part of the story as it didn't lead anywhere but then we got talking. And as we both have loads of drama in our past the convo gets pretty serious. At that point she is sittng on my lap with her body towards mine,face to face. She asks me not to kiss her,as it was really obvious where we were going. And she is one of my closest people even though we started talking again right after new year's eve. I should have done it,she wanted me to do it atleast a little bit,but I didn't. She had to leave in an hour,I walked her home and got back to the party.It was **** after that,nothing really happened but I was in my worst mood ever, as far as I could have been from state.

So on Sunday we went out with her and I called my friend (Klitchko). They hook up again.

Monday. After school we go to a pub with Diane,Klitchko and two of his friends who I barely talked to before. While Diane and Klitchko hook up I make friends with those guys. One of them makes a bet with me- If I go to a party with him, there is no chance in hell I'm not getting laid. So we made that bet. The party should be somewhere next week.

Then the week went by pretty normally,that guy (Tipster) has some drama in his life although he's a natural,and we make a deal that he'll tell me about it when we drink. I'm great at making friends btw.

On friday I get high with him and some other people.

So not hooking up with Diane may eventually get me laid. And I will be with her someday, I love her and she loves me and I know that it will happen. I just don't want that kind of relationship in my life right now.

 

[LearningSlowly]

(even though I really do love her and want to be with her someday) I make them hookup with my awesome wingbro skills.

These two statements are incongruent. Being incongruent will not make you happy, or make people like you.

she's pretending to be all over me (making girls jealous and ****) as that was the plan.

Sounds like something I'd set up with only a close friend, who could never be anything more. My wing-women generally don't know it, they're just hot and we touch comfortably and we know that we'll NEVER hook up.

in that minute some guy kissed her.

Two so far that aren't you. Tells me that she's comfortable kissing, at least.

She asks me not to kiss her,as it was really obvious where we were going.

You should have done everything but kiss her. Let your hands run over her body, the inside of her thighs, the skin behind her ear, smelled her neck, escalated to kissing her earlobe, gotten really close to her face, then when she tries to kiss you, said "No, we can't do that"

So on Sunday we went out with her and I called my friend (Klitchko). They hook up again....While Diane and Klitchko hook up...

Can't believe you still pursue her after letting this happen.

So not hooking up with Diane may eventually get me laid. And I will be with her someday, I love her and she loves me and I know that it will happen. I just don't want that kind of relationship in my life right now.

Only you will get you laid. And you will get laid by kissing a girl, not by failing to kiss one. Rethink what love is.

 

[The Libertine]

These two statements are incongruent. Being incongruent will not make you happy, or make people like you.

Can't believe you still pursue her after letting this happen.


Only you will get you laid. And you will get laid by kissing a girl, not by failing to kiss one. Rethink what love is.

I wasn't being incongruent. I love her, but I do not really have the desire to be with her anymore. And I wasn't pursuing her- she's one of my close friends. so that's why we went out. She needed a boyfriend, I found her one.

I think I know what love is- I love exactly 7 people- my parents,my sisters,my two best friends and her. I just don't want a relationship right now,there's too much **** I have to do before that.