Letting go of past trauma that is negatively impacting my confidence

[CornbreadFed]

To keep it short, college was a terrible time in my life and it compounded in to me struggling career & life wise until like 30. I can’t unsee and undo what happened, so those memories, experiences, and consequences continue to haunt me and negatively affect my confidence. I’ve considered therapy, but I am pretty skeptical on that option. Anyone else can relate?

 

[SW15]

I think many men will be able to relate. It seems like there was trauma on multiple levels, both related to attracting/seducing women and other aspects of life.

I think a lot of men end up disappointed with their college sexual marketplace experiences. This forum has 2 good college sex threads below. For a lot of men, the college sex experience doesn't match up with their expectations entering college. In college, freshman males have a narrower dating pool whereas freshman females are desired by other freshmen, upperclassmen, graduate students, and even men in the working world. The marketplace is imbalanced at first. The college sex experience can get better from sophomore-senior years. Most guys aren't scoring all that much, even at "party schools" and most opt for some sort of girlfriend (if they can even get one) in order to get semi regular college sex.

Observations about college sex life from someone that went to a party school.

I thought I'd share this as someone who went to a party school and was in a fraternity there as well. Not wanting to give too much about myself but I went to UGA and graduated a few years ago. While Athens has its hot girls, I do feel like the quality got worse every year due to the admission...

www.sosuave.net

The college hype is unreal, true players get how overrated it is.

Looking back at it, I am amazed at how big the hype around college truly was. Maybe my boy @CornbreadFed and @SW15 could speak on this but I speak with so many guys who seem to have peaked in college and don't realize how beautiful life can get after it. FWIW, I was in a fraternity in college, a...

www.sosuave.net

Therapy is very limited in what it can do for a man from a dating perspective. The changes that a man might see in his dating life are usually incremental at best after completing 1+ years of therapy.

Going to therapy is unlikely to make a man a better real life approacher. It's possible that therapy that can help with some social awkwardness in approaches and it might help some men make better first impressions. Better first impressions aren't automatic 'yes' responses to getting first dates from approaches. A better first impression might mean changing a 'hard no where a woman feels ick' to a 'meh and forgettable' feeling. Going to therapy is also not going to get a man more right swipes on a swipe app. It's not going to change much with how well he turns his swipe app matches into first dates. It probably won't make too much of a difference on his reply rate on Instagram DM's either. The best thing that men can do with getting more first dates is building a more attractive physique in the gym. Older men (35+) will often benefit from the @Mike32ct identified combo of good height, good hairline, and money.

I could make an argument that therapy might help with longer form first dates. However, I tend to think the effects of therapy on dating outcomes are more meaningful as a interaction goes on. If a man is unable to get that first spark, having better mental health is not going to make a lot of a difference.

I don't think couples therapy/counseling is all that valuable in fixing what ails longer term relationships, but that's more of a topic for a different thread.

Therapy might be worth doing solely for yourself. It depends on a number of factors. If the primary problem is dating, then traditional psychotherapy will be limited on what it can do.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I think many men will be able to relate. It seems like there was trauma on multiple levels, both related to attracting/seducing women and other aspects of life.

I think a lot of men end up disappointed with their college sexual marketplace experiences. This forum has 2 good college sex threads below. For a lot of men, the college sex experience doesn't match up with their expectations entering college. In college, freshman males have a narrower dating pool whereas freshman females are desired by other freshmen, upperclassmen, graduate students, and even men in the working world. The marketplace is imbalanced at first. The college sex experience can get better from sophomore-senior years. Most guys aren't scoring all that much, even at "party schools" and most opt for some sort of girlfriend (if they can even get one) in order to get semi regular college sex.

Observations about college sex life from someone that went to a party school.

I thought I'd share this as someone who went to a party school and was in a fraternity there as well. Not wanting to give too much about myself but I went to UGA and graduated a few years ago. While Athens has its hot girls, I do feel like the quality got worse every year due to the admission...

www.sosuave.net

The college hype is unreal, true players get how overrated it is.

Looking back at it, I am amazed at how big the hype around college truly was. Maybe my boy @CornbreadFed and @SW15 could speak on this but I speak with so many guys who seem to have peaked in college and don't realize how beautiful life can get after it. FWIW, I was in a fraternity in college, a...

www.sosuave.net

Therapy is very limited in what it can do for a man from a dating perspective. The changes that a man might see in his dating life are usually incremental at best after completing 1+ years of therapy.

Going to therapy is unlikely to make a man a better real life approacher. It's possible that therapy that can help with some social awkwardness in approaches and it might help some men make better first impressions. Better first impressions aren't automatic 'yes' responses to getting first dates from approaches. A better first impression might mean changing a 'hard no where a woman feels ick' to a 'meh and forgettable' feeling. Going to therapy is also not going to get a man more right swipes on a swipe app. It's not going to change much with how well he turns his swipe app matches into first dates. It probably won't make too much of a difference on his reply rate on Instagram DM's either. The best thing that men can do with getting more first dates is building a more attractive physique in the gym. Older men (35+) will often benefit from the @Mike32ct identified combo of good height, good hairline, and money.

I could make an argument that therapy might help with longer form first dates. However, I tend to think the effects of therapy on dating outcomes are more meaningful as a interaction goes on. If a man is unable to get that first spark, having better mental health is not going to make a lot of a difference.

I don't think couples therapy/counseling is all that valuable in fixing what ails longer term relationships, but that's more of a topic for a different thread.

Therapy isn't designed to make you better with women. It's designed to make you a better version of you and allow you to break free from the baggage that is holding you back from becoming that.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Therapy might be worth doing solely for yourself. It depends on a number of factors. If the primary problem is dating, then traditional psychotherapy will be limited on what it can do.

Therapy isn't designed to make you better with women. It's designed to make you a better version of you and allow you to break free from the baggage that is holding you back from becoming that.

I am still in a LTR, but I did see it affect my dating life a lot. This is also in regard to my job and just trying to project myself forward in life too.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Have you looked for a YouTube channel that features the audiobook format of Psycho-Cybernetics or read the book? If not, I highly recommend reading it.

If you're tight on time, you should consider just reading Chapter 10, which you can find as a PDF online.

 

[Mike32ct]

I went to therapy in the early 2000s. It didn’t make any difference for me in the women department. But it did it boost my confidence enough to land my first job. So it was an overall positive.

 

[SW15]

I am still in a LTR, but I did see it affect my dating life a lot.

Therapy would be more likely to help in your current spot than a man who isn't in a relationship and trying to build a dating life. The incremental benefits you might see would tend to be later in an interaction. Fortunately for you, you are at that point.

I think you have good reason to be skeptical of therapy in general, as it a rather mixed track record.

I went to therapy in the early 2000s. It didn’t make any difference for me in the women department.

Typical outcome based on how psychotherapy tends to be designed.

This is also in regard to my job.

It's possible it could help there.

 

[ManFromTartarus]

Don't look back.

I can relate Corn, PTSD is something that can haunt you and hinder your growth & development through life if you let it. I myself have had to suffer with it for a lot of my life and the only thing that has helped me keep my demons at bay, and proceed through without falling off, is to focus on what's important, the here & now, and the future. Not the past.

You're right, you can't unsee the past, all you can do is keep the lessons you learned from those difficult times to grow and develop as a person, and protect you from the hazards of life. I don't know what challenges you faced from your college days but I'm sure you're a wiser man from those lessons.

As for counseling, skepticism is good, it will help you to be objective should you ever have the courage to pursue it. Just don't let your skepticism prevent you from making use of a tool that may help you in life, especially if you've never experienced it.

My own PTSD is from my youth growing up in a very violent place, and later in life from a bad divorce/custody. I've been to therapy, some has helped, some not, but the only thing that has truly helped me when a skeleton comes out of my closet is to focus on what's important, today, tomorrow, and not looking back.

 

[Bokanovsky]

To keep it short, college was a terrible time in my life and it compounded in to me struggling career & life wise until like 30. I can’t unsee and undo what happened, so those memories, experiences, and consequences continue to haunt me and negatively affect my confidence. I’ve considered therapy, but I am pretty skeptical on that option. Anyone else can relate?

What was so terrible about your college experience? Homosexual experimentation?

Seriously, it's hard to give you advice without knowing what you're dealing with. The fact of the matter is that college is not a fun experience for most people. It's certainly nothing like how it is portrayed in movies.

 

[Everything_but_Game]

Taking maximum accountability for your own actions goes a long way.

The things you could blame on someone else - find how your own actions impacted these things, and come to terms with that.

Blaming any of this stuff on others will get you nowhere.
Being the victim to circumstance will keep you bitter.

 

[BadBoy89]

When past trauma starts to affect me, I think

"If the men that delivered fresh water to my home, brought food to my table, made the building I live in, brought heat to my home, made the clothes I wear, if one of them had "past trauma" that wouldn't let them do their work, I'd be dead.

Helps get over it quick.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

Hot take, but I don't really believe there's such a thing as "curing" trauma, in a sense. As you alluded to, the way you deal with trauma is by simply understanding it, acknowledging it, and letting it go and heal over time on its own. Talking about trauma only serves to reactivate the neural synapses that store the memory. We know in neurology that merely thinking or talking about memories actually strengthens them, and over time they become corrupted from all the re-writes. This is why long-term memories tend to be unreliable, especially if they involve stories that people have told over and over. This is also why it's so common for therapists to gaslight people through suggestibility (much like hypnosis) into thinking they have "repressed" memories of sexual abuse or whatever else, it's truly insidious.

Trauma is in the past. It can only ever effect you in the present; our lives are a continuous "now moment"...in this context, the present is not a result of the past, but the opposite: The past is a result of the present, ie how you view and respond to these memories as they surface today.

I think therapy can work but I also think the overwhelming majority of therapists are either useless or actually twisted and sick. You need to actually find a good one, imo the older therapists with PhDs who focused more on psychoanalysis are best especially if they have a religious/theology background - I'm not even a religious person myself but I think those types are more likely to understand the human condition.

OP, have you considered trying psychedelics? Specifically psilocybin mushrooms. They've done a great deal for me in sorting through my traumas, in addition to extensive journaling, far more than any therapist has. On mushrooms, my mind generated complex "machinescapes" that represented a causality chain of the events surrounding my traumas, what led to them, how they effected me, etc, and I don't think I could have done it without mushrooms.