sillygoose
Don Juan
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2012
- Messages
- 20
- Reaction score
- 0
I was 24 and she was 22 when we broke up just under three months ago. We met in the most beautiful way in college, the relationship was exactly what we both wanted out of it, People thought we were going to be married. I graduated, went long distance with her seeing each other every three weeks, and then moved back to her home state to move in with her.
It was at this very point where her life stressed out, and it took our relationship down. She went broke, she couldn't find a job, she couldn't afford the bills, she had emotional breakdowns, she over-reacted to many things, she probably had minor depression. I did my best to help her out, taking her out to eat many times, buying flowers, trying to tell her with a mix of honesty and sympathy everything would be fine, etc. However, nothing was working.
Her stress caused us to hit major points of tension, particularly over sex. I did not handle this right, she shut down sexually, and I kept trying to calmly ask what can be done to fix it. She never really said, causing me to get frustrated since I was trying to be so patient and it led to a major fight that I started ( I never flipped out until this point - dropped her off at her sister's place, called her a five year old, ignored her for an entire day). Later I apologized tremendously, but said it was because I couldn't deal with not communicating on things. After a few weeks she said it's because of the stress in her life and pressure from me for sex. Fair enough, so I backed off. The sex went from 8x / week for two years to 1x a month, and after she said she'll try to do better, it was after she said I was a "monkey", how she felt "used" for sex, etc. I don't understand this as I spent much of my time with her trying to make her happy in ****ty times.
She was as cuddly as usual, but less sexual towards me. It felt strange, why for over two years it was hot and passionate but I couldn't get her to even make out with me on a whim? She claimed it was because we moved in together, though something didn't feel right.
A incidents happened that led to arguing, and her claiming I didn't care about her, how she said I have "no morals".
When she couldn't afford to live together, she "technically moved out" so I bought a rifle (with her) the next day rather than discussing it as we planned to if we were living together. Communication issue, in the store I said to her (albeit, in front of the sales folks), "Are you okay with this?" and she said "Yes" begrudgingly, so I took it as a yes.
Another incident was we had a handicapped pass on vacation (relative is autistic, but wasn't with us) to use for the ilnes and midway she stopped wanting to use it. After asking why, and only hearing back, "Because I don't want to," it frustrated me and I cursed (not at her, in general) out of frustration since I paid much money. She claimed I was publically abusing her and cried her eyes out.
We went to a party together and she just asked I not tell her girls how broke she was. At the party none of them wanted to go to bars, so my ex said, "The only way I am going with you to a bar is if you buy me a drink," (mind you, this was after a night of me making her girls have a fantastic time), and I took it as very rude, so I said, "Don't you think I paid for a lot the past few months?" She flipped out at me privately, though I was rude I felt it didn't say she was broke. She said, "Why can't you be like <gf's bf>?" - he was a lap dog to her.
She never wanted to work through problems, she would walk away and even go home at times if we bumped heads during the stressful point in her life and our relationship. She's always done this, it's her family's style in handling issues. I would always calmly ask her to work it out, but she would never want to talk through things. Anytime she saw an issue she would flip out, and said, "I don't care how you see things, of course you disagree, it's how I feel about it that matters."
Here's the cilncher, I snooped in her stuff because I knew something shady was going on. She was projecting odd things on me, including that I was flirting with another girl ( a coworker, mind you, who lives 500 miles away, who simply wrote she wanted to tell me a story on the phone at work about a mutual friend). She wanted to snoop through my phone. I didn't understand this, so I snooped on her.
Turns out she wanted her ex from four years ago who cheated on her 3x our entire relationship, but most strongly at the end of our relationship. To make matters worse, she admitted to texting him behind my back at bars. This was from the same girl who prided herself in how mature she is, and how illogical her sister was who cheated on an amazing guy during a stressful point in her life.
When I told her what I found and asked her to work it out, she refused to. She never wanted to work it out. She asked I give her time to be mad, but I couldn't let her get away with this - so I tried to force her to talk about it (and man, was she being EXTREMELY rude at this point to me), and she didn't want to. So, I had to end it.
After the breakup, I did the typical, "I want you back, let's work it out," messages but she absolutely did not want to. She didn't dismiss getting together down the line, but she said to her friends (who don't know the truth about what happened) she just wants to focus on herself. A week later I told her on the phone how I missed her, she said it sucks for her, etc. I did admit that dating already wasn't helping, and she didn't seem happy hearing I was dating bug said not to compare another girl to her. She said she makes relationship decisions by her book.
I went no contact with her, and her best girl friend for many years reached out to me. We talked it out, and I told her everything that happened. She said that my ex didn't tell her anything about this, and how she has a lot of maturing to do since she is sheltered. She said my ex never said anything bad against me.
Her mother reached out to me twice, just to catch up, and she was extremely friendly both times. I saw her friends twice out and they were extremely cool to me and we didn't talk about the ex. When my ex and I's puppy died, she never messaged me saying sorry (though I didn't tell her it either) - but her girlfriend's boyfriend did, she messaged me a very clean cut computer question and I sent her a hyperlink (no text) and she didn't say thank you, when I asked her where to mail a letter that came in for her she never said thank you when I told her I'd send it in the morning, etc.
I was friends with her family and friends on Facebook for the past two months, then out of the blue their entire family and friends defriended me literally for no reason. If she knew I was telling people about the truth about why we broke up (her mom does know, but didn't say anything, she was shocked when I talked to her about it) she would have flipped out at me. The horrible part is that for our entire relationship she never took her ex (who nobody likes, who cheated on her) off of Facebook, but quickly removed me like I was an enemy. Even funnier, early on in our relationship she asked me to remove pictures of my first ex and I.
From what I know, she finally landed a job that she likes and is happy (she felt that where we were living, because her jobs weren't landing, was holding her back), so her stress must be mitigated. I don't doubt she is probably trying to meet up with her ex, either, but I don't know if that's coming to anything. Early in our relationship she clearly communicated her desire to meet up with him before he went abroad for a year, and I was very comfortable with it since I knew they were best friends before they dated, and she came back crying saying she knows why she loves me even more than ever. I told her she was worth it, and she broke down in tears.
And I want her back, I wished she could see how I've changed for the better. In retrospective, I never apologized for snooping (did say I regret it), I don't think I was as patient with her in stressful times, and because of my insecurity in how our relationship was going I lost confidence and became unattractive. When she was stressing I should have done my own thing as well, not focusing on her. I believe she became way too selfish, too prideful, too introverted during these times, and wasn't willing to work thru problems in hard times (her personal or our relationship).
There is an undeniable connection between us. I've went on dates with multiple girls, had sex with a few, and I feel nothing for them. Each time it makes me want my ex back. I want to reach out to her and be sappy, she LOVES sappy emotional things, telling her where I messed up, how much I miss her and love her, and would do anything for mutual forgiveness and a coffee date.
Don't get me wrong, our entire relationship was fantastic until she became stressed after graduation. She felt lost, scared, broke, unsure, etc. I did my damnist, and we all make mistakes, to work things out and support her but she turned it on me.
It was at this very point where her life stressed out, and it took our relationship down. She went broke, she couldn't find a job, she couldn't afford the bills, she had emotional breakdowns, she over-reacted to many things, she probably had minor depression. I did my best to help her out, taking her out to eat many times, buying flowers, trying to tell her with a mix of honesty and sympathy everything would be fine, etc. However, nothing was working.
Her stress caused us to hit major points of tension, particularly over sex. I did not handle this right, she shut down sexually, and I kept trying to calmly ask what can be done to fix it. She never really said, causing me to get frustrated since I was trying to be so patient and it led to a major fight that I started ( I never flipped out until this point - dropped her off at her sister's place, called her a five year old, ignored her for an entire day). Later I apologized tremendously, but said it was because I couldn't deal with not communicating on things. After a few weeks she said it's because of the stress in her life and pressure from me for sex. Fair enough, so I backed off. The sex went from 8x / week for two years to 1x a month, and after she said she'll try to do better, it was after she said I was a "monkey", how she felt "used" for sex, etc. I don't understand this as I spent much of my time with her trying to make her happy in ****ty times.
She was as cuddly as usual, but less sexual towards me. It felt strange, why for over two years it was hot and passionate but I couldn't get her to even make out with me on a whim? She claimed it was because we moved in together, though something didn't feel right.
A incidents happened that led to arguing, and her claiming I didn't care about her, how she said I have "no morals".
When she couldn't afford to live together, she "technically moved out" so I bought a rifle (with her) the next day rather than discussing it as we planned to if we were living together. Communication issue, in the store I said to her (albeit, in front of the sales folks), "Are you okay with this?" and she said "Yes" begrudgingly, so I took it as a yes.
Another incident was we had a handicapped pass on vacation (relative is autistic, but wasn't with us) to use for the ilnes and midway she stopped wanting to use it. After asking why, and only hearing back, "Because I don't want to," it frustrated me and I cursed (not at her, in general) out of frustration since I paid much money. She claimed I was publically abusing her and cried her eyes out.
We went to a party together and she just asked I not tell her girls how broke she was. At the party none of them wanted to go to bars, so my ex said, "The only way I am going with you to a bar is if you buy me a drink," (mind you, this was after a night of me making her girls have a fantastic time), and I took it as very rude, so I said, "Don't you think I paid for a lot the past few months?" She flipped out at me privately, though I was rude I felt it didn't say she was broke. She said, "Why can't you be like <gf's bf>?" - he was a lap dog to her.
She never wanted to work through problems, she would walk away and even go home at times if we bumped heads during the stressful point in her life and our relationship. She's always done this, it's her family's style in handling issues. I would always calmly ask her to work it out, but she would never want to talk through things. Anytime she saw an issue she would flip out, and said, "I don't care how you see things, of course you disagree, it's how I feel about it that matters."
Here's the cilncher, I snooped in her stuff because I knew something shady was going on. She was projecting odd things on me, including that I was flirting with another girl ( a coworker, mind you, who lives 500 miles away, who simply wrote she wanted to tell me a story on the phone at work about a mutual friend). She wanted to snoop through my phone. I didn't understand this, so I snooped on her.
Turns out she wanted her ex from four years ago who cheated on her 3x our entire relationship, but most strongly at the end of our relationship. To make matters worse, she admitted to texting him behind my back at bars. This was from the same girl who prided herself in how mature she is, and how illogical her sister was who cheated on an amazing guy during a stressful point in her life.
When I told her what I found and asked her to work it out, she refused to. She never wanted to work it out. She asked I give her time to be mad, but I couldn't let her get away with this - so I tried to force her to talk about it (and man, was she being EXTREMELY rude at this point to me), and she didn't want to. So, I had to end it.
After the breakup, I did the typical, "I want you back, let's work it out," messages but she absolutely did not want to. She didn't dismiss getting together down the line, but she said to her friends (who don't know the truth about what happened) she just wants to focus on herself. A week later I told her on the phone how I missed her, she said it sucks for her, etc. I did admit that dating already wasn't helping, and she didn't seem happy hearing I was dating bug said not to compare another girl to her. She said she makes relationship decisions by her book.
I went no contact with her, and her best girl friend for many years reached out to me. We talked it out, and I told her everything that happened. She said that my ex didn't tell her anything about this, and how she has a lot of maturing to do since she is sheltered. She said my ex never said anything bad against me.
Her mother reached out to me twice, just to catch up, and she was extremely friendly both times. I saw her friends twice out and they were extremely cool to me and we didn't talk about the ex. When my ex and I's puppy died, she never messaged me saying sorry (though I didn't tell her it either) - but her girlfriend's boyfriend did, she messaged me a very clean cut computer question and I sent her a hyperlink (no text) and she didn't say thank you, when I asked her where to mail a letter that came in for her she never said thank you when I told her I'd send it in the morning, etc.
I was friends with her family and friends on Facebook for the past two months, then out of the blue their entire family and friends defriended me literally for no reason. If she knew I was telling people about the truth about why we broke up (her mom does know, but didn't say anything, she was shocked when I talked to her about it) she would have flipped out at me. The horrible part is that for our entire relationship she never took her ex (who nobody likes, who cheated on her) off of Facebook, but quickly removed me like I was an enemy. Even funnier, early on in our relationship she asked me to remove pictures of my first ex and I.
From what I know, she finally landed a job that she likes and is happy (she felt that where we were living, because her jobs weren't landing, was holding her back), so her stress must be mitigated. I don't doubt she is probably trying to meet up with her ex, either, but I don't know if that's coming to anything. Early in our relationship she clearly communicated her desire to meet up with him before he went abroad for a year, and I was very comfortable with it since I knew they were best friends before they dated, and she came back crying saying she knows why she loves me even more than ever. I told her she was worth it, and she broke down in tears.
And I want her back, I wished she could see how I've changed for the better. In retrospective, I never apologized for snooping (did say I regret it), I don't think I was as patient with her in stressful times, and because of my insecurity in how our relationship was going I lost confidence and became unattractive. When she was stressing I should have done my own thing as well, not focusing on her. I believe she became way too selfish, too prideful, too introverted during these times, and wasn't willing to work thru problems in hard times (her personal or our relationship).
There is an undeniable connection between us. I've went on dates with multiple girls, had sex with a few, and I feel nothing for them. Each time it makes me want my ex back. I want to reach out to her and be sappy, she LOVES sappy emotional things, telling her where I messed up, how much I miss her and love her, and would do anything for mutual forgiveness and a coffee date.
Don't get me wrong, our entire relationship was fantastic until she became stressed after graduation. She felt lost, scared, broke, unsure, etc. I did my damnist, and we all make mistakes, to work things out and support her but she turned it on me.
