let her know what a selfish cow I've realised she is? or leave it and walk away?

[MrNiceGuy]

A summary: Basically I'm wandering whether to let a chick know what a selfish cow I think she is.. simply cutting off contact is no good because this is what she is expecting and wants anyway.

I'm seeing the girl who I had one-itis with ever since I joined here, for the last time ever possibly in just over a week. Its for a graduation ceremony from our uni.. I havent seen her since we left at the end of september and my feelings for her came out in rather drunken and awkward circumstances. The morning after (nothing sexual had happened) we agreed we'd still be friends and never speak of my feelings for her again.. but it didnt quite feel right to me, she was being too normal, her refusal to talk about it all seemed wrong.

Anyway, since I last saw her I think I've got over her somewhat, I've started seeing another girl (although I'm having to call things off because I'm moving away ), and I'm no longer dreaming up happy fantasies of me and the one-itis chick together anymore.. A month ago, I tried to call her and got no answer, left a message, I tried again a week later. no answer. so I sent an email (she had said to stay in touch) there was nothing heavy in there at all just a paragraph or two on what I'd been up to since leaving and my plans for the future, and questions about what she was doing. I've yet to receive any reply.
It seems I've started to accept all the faults I knew she had when I liked her but I refused to acknowledge.

She's selfish, she's insecure and her way of coping with that is being arrogant and having an overinflated ego. (she talked about how men fall for women too easy and us all being too easy to play. From her reactions that night and what she said I don't think she ever had any idea I ever liked her though.) She seems to b*tch about most people behind their backs while being very friendly and personable to them on the surface, and lastly she treats her boyfriend like sh*t. When I saw them together I never would have thought they were a couple if I didn't already know, and whenever she talked about him, or having to go see him, it was always complaints, moaning etc. she also repeatedly joked about finding a rich boyfriend and has actively tried to get off with other guys on nights out and so on. She says she loves him, but she doesn't, she loves the fact that he's her lapdog who says 'how high?' when she says jump. Unfortunately I got on with her extremely well, and she was very proficient at making it appear that she cared about you. I guess thats why I fell for her.. wether she actually did care I dunno, I think I was only useful as the guy on our course that she could actually get on with as opposed to the rest of them who were social lepers, or maybe she did like me but shes too immature to deal with the fact that I fancied her and so is cutting off contact.

Anyway, I just dunno what to do when I see her next week, most of the time I'm fine, I don't give a sh*t about her and I just think leave it, be personable and then just walk away, after all I doubt shes going to be part of my life anymore. But every now and then I get angry with myself for falling for her, and angry with her for being such a selfish b*tch, treating her boyfriend like crap and getting away with it and for not having the maturity to deal with this and stay friends. (I really hope now that her bf wakes up realises what shes like, it would serve her right if he dumped her and left her on her own.) Every now and then I'm mentally composing email after email in my head that tells her just what I think of her, how I thought she was a friend but now I've realised just what sort of person she is and so on. When I see her part of me wants to ask her why she didn't reply to my email, tell her I don't accept whatever bullsh*t excuse she gives me for not getting it or replying and then tell her exactly what I think. But of course the other part of me just keeps saying, you're above this, be a man and just leave it, plus letting rip with a character assasination in a way just reveals how much I did care for her and much its got to me, which will only boost her ego.

The trouble is it doesn't feel like a proper punishment, me cutting off contact, after all thats probably what she wants anyway, I doubt she gives a sh*t. But then why should I need to punish her or let her know how little I think of her, surely I'm above that.. Still it doesnt look like I'll ever really see her again anyway so it doesnt matter, and if I'm never going to see her again I may as well tell her exactly what I think of her, but then maybe thats really petty and I should just leave it..

I guess you can see what my dilemna is, is it petty and pathetic to let rip and tell her exactly what I think of her, should I be nice and then leave it, be nice and send an email, or call her on whatever act she tries to put on (I just know she'll try to be pally as if nothing had happened when I see her) and then send her an email if I still feel I havent got the message across. Or the last option is blank her completely, dont talk to her at all, don't even tell her I have a problem with her, just refuse to chat, and then possibly send an email or not. I know if I do send something to her or say something, its going to have to be carefully worded to have the right effect.

 

[OpenMind]

Don't do anything but maintain self control and take care of yourself. Anything you say or do the get her attention to tell her how you feel will only validate that she got to you. Doing nothing and acting like it was not a big deal is your best bet. Be a man and act like one, because she is the one losing out here, not you.. just my 2 cents.. good luck!

 

[TesuqueRed]

Why is it up to you to punish her?

She's a manipulative and mean-spirited bytch. Fine. She'll get people around her who allow themselves to be treated that way.

But your one-itis falling for her is probably your own fault. Sure, you're blaming her (we wouldn't be seeing that heat on your post if you didn't..) but you placed yourself next to her and she did what she always does--abuse those who are willing to be abused. Her BF is the trophy-holding example of this.

Leave. That's the healthiest, easiest thing you can do. Who cares if that's what she wants? You want to get even with her for something that sounds like your own fault. Don't go there--! She can play that game better than you! She can be nastier, dirtier and deadlier than you'll ever be. I'd just go and don't look back. That's what you'll end up doing anyway. The choice to you is how much grief you're willing to inflict on yourself inbetween now than then.

 

[cyrano]

As far as I can see; your only real option is to break all contact with her. Sure, giving her 'both barrels' and telling her how bad she is might feel good for a while, but if she is as spiteful as you say, she certainly won't let you know how badly you got to her, if you did at all!

She evidently loves the attention, so the best thing you can do is to take that attention away. I mean, what sort of person just disregards an e-mail that a 'friend' has sent them. Apart from being totally rude, it is a big sign that she is just a user.

She may get all pally with you, but who cares? I'm not saying that you have to refuse to talk to her (I think personable would describe the attitude perfectly), just make sure that you don't initiate any conversation, and keep whatever you do say to a minimum. Anything more, and you are just feeding her ego.

As for getting mad at yourself for falling for her- why bother? If you want to be a real man, then there is no way you can put up with behaviour of this type!!! I can only imagine that her boyfriends mates must think that he is the most pvssy whipped chump in the world!! Although it may not seem like it, you have had a lucky escape here.

Just walk away, and keep your integrity intact. The only consolation that I can really offer you is the cliche that 'what goes around, comes around'. These people eventually get what they deserve, no matter how hard they might try and dodge it!!

Enjoy graduation.


Cyrano

PS- where did you study- I'm at Durham atm.

 

[MrNiceGuy]

Cheers guys,

It think you are all right. Letting rip with both barrels wouldn't do any good, all she'd do was concoct an emotional defence that I'm only being so mean because I couldn't have her (which I guess in a small way is true, although theres more to it than that), which will only boost her ego even more. In fact I noticed her concocting the same defence when one of her mates (this one even more arrogant than her) was having guy problems (he's only saying that cos he feels guilty, he should be thanking you for all the things you've done for him etc. etc.)

I know I've had a lucky escape too, even when I really liked her I knew in the back of my head that if by some miracle she did decide to leave her bf for me it would never work between us, not unless she changed alot of the ways she behaved. I think her problem is shes not mature enough to deal with the situation, and she probably doesn't care about me enough to want to keep me as a friend, if on the other hand she does want to still be mates, well she's going to have to put the effort in (and demonstratably so), I'm done with her. I was thinking of giving her an ultimatum, "I'm willing to still be friends, but I need you to make the effort, I'm done trying to contact you and getting no response." but theres probably no point, its her loss.

Today I've been in one of my more rational moods, and again, I'm thinking f*ck it, just be normal, 'personable', dont blow your top and don't bother to contact her again. I've already proved to myself over the past 2 months that I don't need her in my life and that there are other women out there that I'm interested in and that are interested in me.

Thing I still don't know whats going to actually happen when I do see her.. god knows what (if anything) it'll stirr up inside me, but I know leaving her out of my life is the best option. The best way to deal with this is to demonstrate to her that my life is on track and going well and that I've no reason to try and hold on to someone who clearly can't be bothered to stay friends.

cyrano I graduated from bath uni. Finished a masters in september, and graduated from there a year ago on my first undergrad degree. I've been working at home in a pub the past month and a half, which is where I met this girl I've started seeing (ok, only 2 dates so far, but things seem to be going well, she contacted me to arrange our last one), so I'm quite gutted that I'm moving to london tommorow (starting a new high paid job) and won't see much of this chick anymore (she did make me promise to come say goodbye to her mind). Still I should meet plenty more totty in london, and without the distractions of one-itis (one of the main problems with my game last year) I should be able to get somewhere...

 

[Austin Allegro]

Hell's bells, I can't believe you're even bothering with this woman.

There is NO point telling a bytch she is a bytch. She will probably just see it as a sign of your AFC ness and, since women thrive on emotional turmoil, will probably get a kick out of it.

Just forget about her and move on, if you ever have to be in contact just be the perfect polite, but utterly disinterested gentleman.

 

[cyrano]

".....polite but utterly disinterested gentleman"

That hits the required attitude on the spot- couldn't have said it better myself.

Good luck in London, the streets might not be paved with Gold, but Kings Road is generally full of top class totty!!!

Happy hunting and good luck

Cyrano

 

[MrNiceGuy]

ok heres a quick update, I've just moved so my internet access is pretty limited.

anyway, I got an email from that chick just over a week before the graduation thing, it was a reply to the one I sent, along very much the same lines, perfectly friendly and personable..

I caved, and replied a week later (a day or 2 b4 the graduation thing) saying did she fancy meeting up the evening beforehand, she replied a couple of hours later saying possibly, but she was probably going to be spending the evening with her parents..

so anyway, on the day, the first time I saw her was in the corridor, I was walking along towards the exit to see if I could find my parents, we made ec for a split second and then she immediately looked down at the floor, ignoring me. so I thought f*ck you, and carried on. later on I was talking to someone we both knew, she spotted me and waved and then came over a little later, the rest of the day we got on as normal, just like we had before, really friendly and so on. but I realised towards the end I still really really care about her, I was getting pissed off when she wasn't spending time with me or giving me attention. when she left, she was remarkably cold, it was just a peck on the cheek and "bye, good luck with your new job" that was it..

after all that experience I knwo I just need to minimise my contact with her as much as possible untill I know for sure I've moved on..seeing her again that day, just undid 2 months of getting over her and starting to get interested in other chicks... now I miss her again, which is crap, I need to meet someone new.

now I've moved to london, but my new job is pretty crap for girls, its a small firm, with only about 15 people, only 2 women, only 1 of which is f*ckable and who sits about as far from me in the office as possible, so I'm having to concentrate on my friends and going out to try and meet new people..

 

[OddTech]

After reading your update, you still have one-itis. You still "really care for her." Why? She has consistently demonstrated her disrespect for you and others. Why do you want her attention so badly?

Don't you see she is TOYING with your emotion? You have no control over your own. One moment you're all mad at her for being a bytch and the next you're "missing her." On this website, when we say we walk away, we mean we abolish all possible contacts with the said person. You obviously continue to seek contact with her. You're paving your own misery.

 

[cyrano]

This is common stuff MrNiceGuy......

Had the same sh1t from my ex, felt cruddy for an age, still occasionally feel bad now. However, you will get over it. As time goes by, you will feel less and less bothered by her, as long as you keep the out of sight, out of mind principle strong.

These are the classic signs of an insecure woman, who gets her jollied by hanging onto a comfort blanket, which happens to be you. Whatever good aspects you see in her (and I'm sure that there are some- otherwise you wouldn't still be bothered) you have to put these aside and merely consider the complete lack of respect with which she has treated you. At least you are able to see the way ahead- a/several other women.

As for the woman at work- just use her for target practice. In my limited experience, if you look to get a decent woman, you tend not to find them. Conversely, you tend to stumble across them when you least expect it. However, give yourself a chance by getting out and about, and use your social contacts.

Good luck

De Bergerac

 

[CyranoDeBergerac]

A wise man once said," Courage is not the absence of fear, but what we do in spite of it."

What you feel for her doesn't matter. What you do about it does. That is how you are to be judged. Be a man and walk away. Grant her no more power over your thoughts, your sentiments or your heart. Walk away, and never look back.

-CyranoDeBergerac