lesbian here

[motwung]

who has read the DJBible. The community is pretty small for those out anyway. I imagine it's a lot bigger counting those who are still in the closet.

I'm kind of in an awkward position in that when I go on a date and if things don't work out, it's possible for me to bump into these people again. It's kind of like dating in your workplace. If things go wrong, it can be very, very awkward.

The reason I'm posting this here is because I trust your guys' advice more than my fellow ladies, since I think you guys have more experience with being the one who initiates. from my experience with where i live anyway, girls, unless they are very butch, DO NOT initiate. there's pretty much a stalemate with both girls giving each other subtle hints hoping the other one makes a move. :nervous:

so 2 questions:

1) how do i handle awkwardness from bumping into someone who is someone else's +1 at an event I didn't invite her to or vice versa?

2) should i proceed with looking for an ltr as you guys would? or would it be different, b/c i'm female?

 

[TonyBaloney]

I must advise you that many of the guys on here as you have seen talk mucho garbago.

If you would like some personal advice ~ in a discreet manner, PM me.

I'm very gay friendly ~ in fact i've had a bi girlf, and am happy to discuss issues that you may not find in str8 type situations....

Perhaps PM me.......

p.s Where are you? I'm coming to the states in summer! Nothing like a face to face

Tony

 

[yuppaz]

You just need to go slow in the beginning. Don't come on too strong and if things don't work out your just running into a friend vs. Someone you obviously tried for and it didn't work out. I run into girls I blatently wanted to f&ck and got rejected by all the time & for the most part they get an ego about it (like they are hot ****) but it doesn't slow me down. If you are more low key you leqve more doors open and there is much less chance of any awkwardness if you run into them.

 

[motwung]

Thanks yuppaz. I'm going to try getting into the mindset that I'm just bumping into a friend and not someone I went on a date with. It's going to be hard though. I'll try not to let it slow me down, but ugh, the community can be really small. I guess the more I bump into people I've been on a date with, the more easier it will get? I hope so. It's hard to strike that balance of being proactive vs. over-eager.

lol tony. i've seen some great advice here which is exactly why i'm posting. hello, anti-dump anyone? i really love his work and going to reread. someone more recent i respect is atomsmasher.

With all the girls I've dated, I pretty much set out to get to know them first. It seems like they expect me to instantly like them, when I don't even know them. Or they want to email, im, text for a while, expect me to fall in love with them online before actually meeting them :nervous: ... I'm not into that at all. Girls are the worse at handling rejections than guys, b/c gender roles in most society don't expect girls to initiate.

So it's this really messed up scenario where the girls I've met are so afraid of rejection or are not used to it that they auto-eject themselves from girls (like me) who don't show instant interest in them as they are used to with guys showing them.

 

[motwung]

motwung if I were you I'd avoid Tony he seems like a huge creep

thanks for looking out. i only addressed his comment about the posts here. no worries.

 

[Serg897]

I would say proceed as any guy normally would on here, only do it in places where you know a lot of gay girls hang out.

 

[Mike32ct]

As long as they AREN'T females you work with, I wouldn't worry. You wouldn't be the only one with slightly awkward feelings. If you run into an ex or someone that is "taken", just be polite and professional. Then excuse yourself as soon you reasonably can. Odds are, she wants to end the awkwardness as soon as you do. (Unless she love drama, but that's another post lol.)

There are two reasons why they want you to fall in love with them quickly when you meet from online:

1. She might be very much into looks. She loves your pic and is trying to get you based on that attraction.

2. They have a FANTASY of who you will be like in person, personality-wise. This is naturally a side effect of meeting online and IM-ing, emailing, etc. Sadly, this leads to a lot of "one date wonders" when you finally meet someone from online for a first date. The date seems to go well, but you don't hear from them again.

This is because even though your pictures are accurate, your personality and overall vibe is possibly quite different from what they imagined or wished it was. That's not an insult or put down. I just mean that they might picture you as shy and you turn out to be more outgoing. Or they fantasize that you are wild, and you turn out to be a bit more laid back. When you meet from online, you don't know someone's personality, so your mind just creates one based on what you WANT it to be. But it often differs from reality when you meet the person.

I agree with Serg that your in person "game" should probably be not that much different that what guys would do on here. But pick a more laid back style. I don't think an aggressive style of game would work for you.

The number one rule is that the opener or opening line does NOT matter. It's just to break the ice. You can say ANYTHING. She either wants to talk to you or she doesn't. You'll know fairly quickly after you open. Solid eye contact from her and her helping you with the conversation - good. Lack of eye contact and one word answers - bad.

 

[motwung]

why do you guys recommend a more laid back style for me? any examples of what a laid back person would do? their thought process? i'm very outgoing and go for what i want whether it's in school, work, and in this case, romance.

if i don't initiate dates, seriously, these girls won't. they'll text and facebook forever. :nervous:

oh and as for online, i only ever exchange maybe 3 getting to know you emails at most. none of them novels. most of it is scheduling to meet up.

 

[Tryingtoimprove]

Thanks yuppaz. I'm going to try getting into the mindset that I'm just bumping into a friend and not someone I went on a date with. It's going to be hard though. I'll try not to let it slow me down, but ugh, the community can be really small. I guess the more I bump into people I've been on a date with, the more easier it will get? I hope so. It's hard to strike that balance of being proactive vs. over-eager.

lol tony. i've seen some great advice here which is exactly why i'm posting. hello, anti-dump anyone? i really love his work and going to reread. someone more recent i respect is atomsmasher.

With all the girls I've dated, I pretty much set out to get to know them first. It seems like they expect me to instantly like them, when I don't even know them. Or they want to email, im, text for a while, expect me to fall in love with them online before actually meeting them :nervous: ... I'm not into that at all. Girls are the worse at handling rejections than guys, b/c gender roles in most society don't expect girls to initiate.

So it's this really messed up scenario where the girls I've met are so afraid of rejection or are not used to it that they auto-eject themselves from girls (like me) who don't show instant interest in them as they are used to with guys showing them.

I think it's hard for most guys on here to give advice on what do with lesbians because I'm sure most guys on here know little to nothing about lesbians. I mean if I had to count the ratio of lesbian women I've met compared to the gay men I've met or been friends with the ratio might even be as dramatic as 1 to 10(excluding all those women who claim they're bi but probably have only had 1 or 2 homosexual experiences in their life.)

So I think some more general background info on lesbians might be useful here and how you think they differ personality wise from straight women.

 

[motwung]

So I think some more general background info on lesbians might be useful here and how you think they differ personality wise from straight women.

Personally, I think lesbians are exactly the same as straight women except for the ones who are very butch. The thing I find different is 2 girls courting each other. Girls get tons of guys throwing themselves at them. Other girls, not so much. Like I mentioned before, I feel like more girls are actually auto-ejecting themselves from me because I'm not showing them the same immediate interest like guys do. As a girl, I can pretty much sense that, and I CANNOT fake like I'm in love at first sight to solve that problem.

It's kind of like when girls who are not very attractive will be attracted to guys who are nice to them and hott girls who will be more attracted to guys who are indifferent to them. I forget what it's called, oh yeah, active disinterest. But since girls don't get other girls throwing themselves over them, it's kind of the reverse? Active disinterest will pretty much push a girl away from another girl. I don't know how to fake interest. I've only just met them.

 

[yuppaz]

Sounds like your making them insecure by not showing ANY interest. You need to have some interest and the other person has to see that in order to feel secure enough to give it a chance. Try looking for things that you like about her and just tell her you like that thing. It's not giving away your power as long as you don't over do it. I think you need to be a little bit more open if this is currently your problem.

 

[motwung]

yeah, i am friendly, but i am showing little to no romantic interest. i'll work on that and being more laid back. funny thing is straight girls will always warm up to me and the lesbians will get all insecure. i guess it'll take some more girls rejecting me until i find that good balance that works. dating is pretty much the same as it is for lesbians like me as it is for the guys. we just have to put ourselves out there and persevere. :nervous:

you straight guys are giving pretty good advice. thanks. i'm glad i posted here, and i really appreciate your insights.

 

[Tryingtoimprove]

Personally, I think lesbians are exactly the same as straight women except for the ones who are very butch. The thing I find different is 2 girls courting each other. Girls get tons of guys throwing themselves at them. Other girls, not so much. Like I mentioned before, I feel like more girls are actually auto-ejecting themselves from me because I'm not showing them the same immediate interest like guys do. As a girl, I can pretty much sense that, and I CANNOT fake like I'm in love at first sight to solve that problem.

It's kind of like when girls who are not very attractive will be attracted to guys who are nice to them and hott girls who will be more attracted to guys who are indifferent to them. I forget what it's called, oh yeah, active disinterest. But since girls don't get other girls throwing themselves over them, it's kind of the reverse? Active disinterest will pretty much push a girl away from another girl. I don't know how to fake interest. I've only just met them.

Hmm I find this very intriguing actually because I think you're probably the first lesbian I've ever talked to unless some woman that I've known in the past who was by all appearances straight was actually a lesbian.

So I'm guessing with lesbians you have the super butch type, the moderately butch type who don't seem like amazonian warriors but at the same time are more masculine than the average woman like say Ellen DeGeneres or Wanda Sykes, and then you have the feminine lesbians who seem rather indistinguishable from straight women except for the fact that they swing the other way, and probably have men hit on/compliment them all the timer way like Portia de Rossi. (Sorry this is all based on the few lesbian celebrities I know, like I said don't know any real life lesbians)

So you're saying you go for the Portia De Rossi type and would you say you're also of that type? And also what is the more typcial set up of lesbian relationships? Butch with butch , moderates with moderates, and feminine with feminine? Or is the masculine/feminine relationship more common such as de Rossi-DeGeneres?

 

[motwung]

So you're saying you go for the Portia De Rossi type and would you say you're also of that type? And also what is the more typcial set up of lesbian relationships? Butch with butch , moderates with moderates, and feminine with feminine? Or is the masculine/feminine relationship more common such as de Rossi-DeGeneres?

um, to be blunt, vagina and vagina is pretty much the typical set up whether it's butch/butch, butch/femme, tomboy/femme, doesn't really fit into any label/butch/femme/tomboy, etc....

 

[Mike32ct]

Sounds like your making them insecure by not showing ANY interest. You need to have some interest and the other person has to see that in order to feel secure enough to give it a chance. Try looking for things that you like about her and just tell her you like that thing. It's not giving away your power as long as you don't over do it. I think you need to be a little bit more open if this is currently your problem.

The reason I intially suggested a laid back style is that, as a man, I guess I couldn't picture a female being VERY physically aggressive with touching (kino) and picking up a woman that way. The assumption (whether right or wrong) was that girls are a bit less direct than men.

I think of laid back game as a neutral or slightly funny opener. Then just fluff talk about anything, and then maybe touch her arm when making a point. It's just a friendly but respectful way to flirt and get to know each other.

But learning more about your situation, I'm going to agree with Yuppaz.

It sounds like you are a good looking girl, and therefore, the girls you meet are expecting some kind of "instant assurance" that you like them or they give up. So I think you do you have to "throw them a bone" so to speak by tossing out a sincere compliment or two. The key is SINCERE. Only do this if there is something about her you genuinely like.

It makes sense that straight girls are more friendly to you. They have no reason to be intimidated by you. They see you as a friend. This is why, for us straight guys, a wingGIRL is perfect. It disarms other straight females lol. But other lesbian girls might be intimidated by your looks. But tossing a compliment or two to ones you are interested in might let them know they have a chance with you.

 

[Tryingtoimprove]

um, to be blunt, vagina and vagina is pretty much the typical set up whether it's butch/butch, butch/femme, tomboy/femme, doesn't rally fit into any label/butch/femme/tomboy, etc....

Well everyone has their type and you were the one who started on about the average lesbian being a certain way "unless they're very butch" to quote you.

So you began by distinguishing types of lesbians and personality differences between them, so I think if you make such distinctions it would be important to know what type you are, and what type you go for.

Just from reading what you posted so far I assumed you were saying you don't go for the butch type right?

And how about you? Do you receive a lot of male attention?

 

[motwung]

I think of laid back game as a neutral or slightly funny opener. Then just fluff talk about anything, and then maybe touch her arm when making a point. It's just a friendly but respectful way to flirt and get to know each other.

I've been thinking about just being quiet and smiling. :crackup: I may have a date this weekend so will try it out. I'm friendly but not that much of a flirt. I've just had so many friends who were led on that I didn't want to do that myself. I've also read about it on here as well. Male orbiters anyone? I don't want female orbiters. I just couldn't do that to someone just for attention. I guess I've always thought flirting = leading someone on, so I completely eliminated that from myself. A couple of things for me to work on. Also, I'm usually the one to initiate. And I think now I'm just going to lay back and disappear. I'm not responding to texts, calls, nada unless it's to schedule a meetup. I organize gay events. So if they want to come, they do, but I'm not going to be overly friendly in inviting people anymore.

Tryingtoimprove: I'm sorry I totally got defensive. Just heard of too many guys being trolls or pervs about the whole lesbian thing. I actually don't like the labels butch, femme, etc... but hypocritically used them myself in order to describe my situation here. I'd say I'm the skirt, heels, makeup type but can change my own oil/filter, tires, etc.... Yes. I'm usually attracted to girls who do their hair, wear makeup but can also lead an interaction, be witty, funny, exercises, likes the outdoor, etc.... I don't really like girls who expect me to always follow, be prim, proper, timid, shy, etc....

 

[5string]

A lesbian troll. Now I have seen it all.

 

[Bible_Belt]

A lesbian troll. Now I have seen it all.

You mean a troll pretending to be a lesbian.

This site: http://bookblog.net/gender/genie.php lets you paste in text and it will tell you the gender of the writer. Men and women write in very different styles, and it is usually quite easy to see when a man is pretending to be a woman.

 

[5string]

You mean a troll pretending to be a lesbian.

This site: http://bookblog.net/gender/genie.php lets you paste in text and it will tell you the gender of the writer. Men and women write in very different styles, and it is usually quite easy to see when a man is pretending to be a woman.

:crackup: Hmmmm....never thought of that! Learn somethin' new every day.