Learning to talk to people

[The Pedantical]

Hey guys

Recently I've been trying to get over my fear of talking to people, but I find it really difficult to engage conversations

Mostly, I try to engage people in my class but they usually just go like "uh, yeah" and then turn around and talk to someone else. I tried saying something in a group but I'm always ignored, it's like if everyone's just pretending they didn't hear what I said. I try waiting until no one's speaking and then making some comment on the last thing that was said, but I'm usually just cut off as the conversation goes on.
I tried going to bars but it seems everyone there is there with someone, so when I try to talk to someone it's like I'm intruding so I end up sitting by myself.
I try going to as many places as possible but I still haven't found anywhere where I can find someone to sit down with and talk to.

I never really talked to people, since kindergarten I've probably had a total of 2 maybe 3 friends in my life but even them I barely talked to and I'm not in touch anymore. There's part of my development that's missing, but I really have no idea how to compensate for it.

Anyone has some kind of advice? Right now finding a girl is just way out of my sight, I just need to start with having someone to talk to. You got to learn to tie your skates before playing in the Stanley Cup I suppose

 

[MrP]

When you engage people, are you more like "hey guys." :wave: ... or are you more like "HEY GUYS!"

Charisma makes a big difference in the way people see you.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Yeah. I think there are some underlying issues here. This is some subtle ****. As for your school, you most likely don't have much value, and are therefore ignored. If you prove yourself to be interesting, then it will be a different story.
And as MrP started on above - The way you handle yourself matters a lot. It doesn't matter what you say, but how it is delivered: the self always comes through.
Your tone of voice is most likely value seeking, which is natural for anyone in your scenario. Try bettering your body language. Try having a higher ENERGY, and enthusiasm about what you're talking about. SMILE. Be positive, it just radiates value. Make this the person you are, instead of something you do.

 

[zekko]

Right now I'm reading "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. I decided I needed a little more warmth lol. Anyway, it lays down a number of principles for dealing with people that have stood up after being tested for decades. Some of them are very simple, but if you apply these I think you will find people will be a little more enthusiastic to see you and talk to you.

I'd recommend you read it and more importantly, apply it. It will give you a strong foundation in personal relations.

 

[The Pedantical]

Right now I'm reading "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. I decided I needed a little more warmth lol. Anyway, it lays down a number of principles for dealing with people that have stood up after being tested for decades. Some of them are very simple, but if you apply these I think you will find people will be a little more enthusiastic to see you and talk to you.

I'd recommend you read it and more importantly, apply it. It will give you a strong foundation in personal relations.

I actually saw that book in one of my parent's old book boxes, I'll try picking it up next time

I often find myself a hard time following conversations. For example, I see people laughing or looking serious, etc., and I don't always understand why such or such expression would be appropriate instead of another. As a result I might find myself looking too serious or smiling when I shouldn't be or whatever

 

[zekko]

I actually saw that book in one of my parent's old book boxes, I'll try picking it up next time

I often find myself a hard time following conversations. For example, I see people laughing or looking serious, etc., and I don't always understand why such or such expression would be appropriate instead of another. As a result I might find myself looking too serious or smiling when I shouldn't be or whatever

Sounds like you might be a little self conscious. Anyway, you'll figure out all this stuff through practice. As you gain experience, you'll get to understand what is appropriate and why people react the way they do, etc. Some people call this calibration. The important thing is that you are out there trying to get that experience and not beating yourself up when you fail. I made myself look kind of stupid today with one of my interactions, but you can't let it bother you, and take it as a learning experience.

The book is pretty old, but I highly recommend it. There's a reason it's remained popular all this time and I think it could help you. Some of it is sort of oriented toward business, but it's applicable for a wide variety of social situations. Again, I think it would make a great foundation for you.

 

[escaleraroyal]

Either they are idiots or not sociable. I deal with them all the time.

 

[FairShake]

Keep talking to people. Even if it results in situations like the ones you related above NOT talking is worse and making no progress. Even the bad interactions are better than no interaction.

Just tell yourself that you have to crawl before you walk, you are just starting out, and things will improve the more you practice. Don't look at yourself as a failure but as a work-in-progress. That should give you a little confidence or at least take the sting out of the bad ones.

Otherwise I'd say it's good to be interested in what other people are interested in and do alot of listening.

 

[highconscienceness]

I've been in your shoes all my high school and college years. The only thing that saved my ass was discovery of David De Angelo's site. I read his introduction for free, then e-muled his e-book and read it. Wouldn't say that his work was the ****, but it did opened a door for me into seduction community.

What happens is as you read all sorts of material you could lay your hands on, you will eventually absorb it and it will become part of you. All those nuances you are not aware of presently in day to day interactions will be easily visible to you; all by itself with time.

Practice of course makes the process go by quicker.

Desperation reeks and impairs your life. That feeling you might be feeling when you come home, is desperation. Deal with it first and foremost; gym, auto club, anything social that you enjoy doing.

 

[Galactus]

I think the biggest problem most people have is that they are inside their head too much.

Everyone gets ignored and hated at times, but it's a matter of how you process the information in your mind. If you are a giving person, then you are aware of the things other people go through. It makes you more tolerant of mistreatment by others, because you have a thick skin. You realize they are probably more screwed up than you.

But if you always think about how bad things are for you, then you look at any little thing as an attack on you. You wonder why you suck so much, and you walk around with this negative/needy stink that everyone can smell. So you find this pattern repeating over and over. You feel bad, you act the wrong way, people pick up on it and treat you accordingly, you feel bad, and so on. Your social life spirals down the toilet, and you can't pull yourself out.

Get out of your head. Remember that these people you are trying to impress are screwed-up in their own ways. Don't take everything personally. There's nothing inherently wrong with you. The first step is to stop thinking there is.

 

[Clark Kent]

Nouning, start nouning.

Whenever I used to get ignored or unacknowledged in any conversation as a kid, I would bring up one-worded questions or phrases in a breaking rapport tonality and purposely not continuing to expand on what I said, so they can antipcate for an answer or wonder what it was that I said. It could've been either something to do with the conversation at hand or not.

It always got people bringing their attention back on me. Either that, or I would break into the conversation with a train of sentences about the topic in my mind beforehand and direct it at the people/ person who didn't ignore me the first time, so the people/ person who ignored me first would sheeply generate that interest back onto me.

 

[BDude004]

Clark, would you mind giving an example of how something like that might play out? It sounds interesting for sure!

 

[The Pedantical]

I found a coffee lounge where I can relax and talk to people
Not much so far, but it's practice

I try to focus as much as possible on not doing or saying anything for the sake of trying to impress or avoid being seen badly, but bad reflexes are tough to get rid of