Learn the art of inaction and improve your game

[Jariel]

I've been on this site for many years and I've been following a lot of the advice I've learned here. Some of it has served me very well, yet some of it has caused me big problems with women. It has taken me a long time to realise just what it is that's been holding me back, but here it is...

One of the biggest problems with this forum, forums like this and PUA material is that most of us here are control freaks! Or, to put it more politely, we are men of action!

It is our nature to try to control our environment and our future and we learn that all good things in life are achieved by taking action. This is absolutely true of most things, but when it comes to women, this can be a major flaw.

Think about the sort of advice you've read on here and how many times you've been told to call a girl out if she's disrespectful, next her, make her jealous, dump her to try and raise her interest and so on. How many times have you seen guys asking "what do I do?" or "what do I say?" and how many times have you guys ignored advice to "do nothing"? How many of you have broken No Contact with an ex just because you had to take some kind of action?

When it comes to women, we have to go against this instinct and instead of trying to control a situation, we need to be thinking in terms of self-control and patience.

When I look back at all of my rejections, I would say that 90% of them broke down because I took the "wrong" action. I tried to move things forward. I tried to raise falling interest with my words or my actions. I came on too strong, too desperate, instead of giving the girl space and time to wonder about me.

When my ex girlfriend was under stress and stopped showing me affection, I remembered all the seduction advice I read and figured I needed to stand up for myself and refuse to take this disrespect. As a result, I pre-emptively dumped her, hoping it would bring her running back to me. Instead, it p!ssed her off and showed me to be a selfish and spoilt brat. She called me out on it, so not only did I break up with her and let her down, I showed her a very unattractive side to myself

In fact, a lot of the actions us guys have been conditioned to take when a woman loses interest are nothing short of temper tantrums.

Time passed and my ex got back in touch. She said she still loved me and she wanted to see me again and talk. All good, right? But once again, instead of just meeting her and seeing what came of it, I decided to try and raise her interest, apologise for my mistakes, explain myself, tried to push her into getting back together and wrote her a letter. She backed away completely and stopped contacting me.

After not hearing from her for 2 weeks, I decided to take action yet again and this time I called her out on messing me around. We got into a horrible argument and it turned out she hadn't been in touch because her dad had died! And now I had just thrown another tantrum and proven to her I was the same spoilt and selfish guy I was when we broke up.

What could I have done differently? How about if I did nothing at all? In each of these situations, inaction was the key. And this is true of many relationship and dating situations.

However, I'm very pleased to say that I have learned from my experiences and at just the right time.

I've recently started seeing a girl and I won't lie...I'm pretty crazy about her. Her interest level has been sky high from the start and climbing with each date. She blows up my phone with texts every day, even if I don't reply. She says I'm exactly her type and she's full of compliments and eager to impress and please me.

We went out for a really nice date last week and it went exceptionally well. The next day she text me to say thank you and said how good I looked. I replied saying the same and that was the last I heard from her for 3 days.

I felt that temptation rise in me to "call her out" or prompt her for a reply or push for an explanation. My mind was running wild. What went wrong? How could she go from such high interest to ignoring me so fast? But I resisted the urge to contact her and I decided to learn from my past mistakes.

I chose to do nothing at all.

3 days later she contacted me to say she had been taken to hospital and was texting me just to apologise for not being in contact and would contact me when she's back home.

Now if I'd taken some kind of action, like I did with my ex, I may have pushed her away too.

These are just a few real life examples, but this applies to so many situations I can recall. Sometimes, you just have to turn that controlling instinct upon yourself and show some self-control and patience.

Just as important is the concept of being a challenge - being indifferent and keeping her guessing. When a girl wonders why you're not chasing her? Why you're taking your time to contact her or why you're not all over her and kissing her ass, you set yourself apart from all other guys and her interest will go through the roof!

I think it's time we all took a good look at ourselves and identify that control freak within and how often it ruins our chances with women. The very fact that we log into a forum like this, study techniques and methods to seduce women tells me we all have controlling tendencies and overcoming these may be the key many of us have been seeking.

 

[El Payaso]

Great post! In all essentiality, you're saying do not be clingy.

 

[MOTU]

That's Pook's lesson four on patience. Bible study everyone!

 

[n52]

The best advice I've ever been given is when you do not know exactly 100% what to do in the situation, don't do anything. Unless you've decided that is exactly the right decision, don't make one.

As the Geordie's would say:

'If in doubt, don't do nout'

Good post sir. - Repped

 

[Jariel]

Great post! In all essentiality, you're saying do not be clingy.

Yes absolutely...and don't be reactionary either.

Generally, never take any action with a woman when you're running high on negative emotions.

 

[Dgwizdal]

Came right at the right time Jariel - (Sure you saw the NC Thread) Although I am outcome independent for the most part - inaction is the best solution right now.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

Great post.

Just to add something, that I've recently figured out. Sometimes a girl with throw you out a $hit test....just because. A text out of the blue, or a response to something that makes you wonder "where the fvck did that come from?". It's in our nature to try and fix it, or respond in some way. However, like you mentioned here OP, sometimes the best response is not to respond. Let her wallow in her own $hit test. Let her realize what she said was ridiculous. Let her, every time she picks up her phone, see the last part of the conversation is of her saying something stupid....

Then sit back, smile, and imagine that hamster flying off the rails...

 

[GotED?]

It is sad - the bottom line of the OP's behavior is:

Game Playing.

Unfortunately, this is the modern age and that is why we are here I suppose. Having to out-patience another human being in a mental board game of chess is what it is. Saving your own pride to not show you your incredible interest in a woman, even though you would slash your own wrist out of missing her presence - but you can not show it and have to act like you disappeared from the Universe instead.


I look forward to the day I may meet a woman who would see me without any barriers or fear (it is all fear really in the end - game playing to protect our own ego).

Such is the Ego dominated world we live in.

Exodus

 

[Jariel]

One more thing I forgot to cover in the original post is that women are very erratic beings. They can be up one day, loving and affectionate, high interest, and then down the next day, aloof, in no mood for company or attention seeking.

They have their time of the month and hormonal imbalances that we guys will never understand, but it affect their behaviour and their interest quite dramatically. So if a girl is just not in the mood for affection and is not responding to our flirting or sexual escalation, it probably has nothing to do with us at that time. Give her space and let her come to you when she's feeling more affectionate.

I remember reading some advice from Mystery, a technique he called The Freeze Out. When a girl won't go all the way with you, then you back off and withdraw all affection - no cuddles, no kisses. I tried this a couple of times with my ex and the next day she told me how much it hurt and how it looked like I was throwing a tantrum. I look back now and see just how pathetic I behaved, all because I was trying to control the situation and manipulate her into sex?! When I look back at sh1t like this, I see just how much of a control freak I have been with women and how it has all blown up in my face.

The point is, when a girl stops contacting you or seems a little distant, it doesn't necessarily mean she's banging some other guy as many of the cynical posters here would have you believe. It may just be that she's not feeling the love that particular day, in which case you go hang out with your mates and wait for her to call.

 

[Sofomore]

The point is, when a girl stops contacting you or seems a little distant, it doesn't necessarily mean she's banging some other guy as many of the cynical posters here would have you believe. It may just be that she's not feeling the love that particular day, in which case you go hang out with your mates and wait for her to call.

Yes but when this happens repeatedly it is time to move on and dump her. Most people give the benefit out doubt multiple times and overlook the warning signs. The key is balance. Know when it's just a one-time thing and know when it's a pattern that isn't changing.

 

[_sideways_]

Exactly. ...and while you're waiting you should be out engaging with the rest of the world. Let her hormones or pity parties or whatever happen with out you.

Also...This is just my opinion. ..if you got the itch to contact her that badly. ..It could be oneitis or insecurity. Because I have too much money to make, too much weights to lift, too many positive things to experience than too be stuck in some rut mood where I'm thinking about some girl who should be stroking me but isnt. That's just silly.

 

[djthiago1]

This reminds of a problem i have, texting, it's my big weakness, i can't stand being ignored and not being texted back, i feel like dying if i go a day without texting my GF.

 

[Jair213]

Just as important is the concept of being a challenge - being indifferent and keeping her guessing. When a girl wonders why you're not chasing her? Why you're taking your time to contact her or why you're not all over her and kissing her ass, you set yourself apart from all other guys and her interest will go through the roof!





THIS WAS FUKEN GOLD!

 

[NewToTheGame]

It is sad - the bottom line of the OP's behavior is:

Game Playing.

Unfortunately, this is the modern age and that is why we are here I suppose. Having to out-patience another human being in a mental board game of chess is what it is. Saving your own pride to not show you your incredible interest in a woman, even though you would slash your own wrist out of missing her presence - but you can not show it and have to act like you disappeared from the Universe instead.

I look forward to the day I may meet a woman who would see me without any barriers or fear (it is all fear really in the end - game playing to protect our own ego).

Of course, its fair to look at it that way. The way I choose to see it, is that by not trying to force something through action, a guy can teach himself patience. By following a new model of behavior.

Because, lets face it, if you were dating a girl for a few weeks or so, and you didn't hear from her for a few days, it is really necessary to try and force a conversation with her? It is really that important to try and figure out what is going on with her? Or are you consumed with your purpose in life (and confident in your ability to easily attract other women) to the point where not hearing from her for a few days is no big deal?

Now, think about it from her perspective. Say she is busy, or not in a good mood, dealing with medical or family things, whatever. Now you are calling her wondering what is going on, what is wrong, is it something you did, is the relationship ok?

What does this communicate? Neediness. And its not a game. Its the truth. Because you would be acting needy. Like you have to KNOW everything is ok because it is bothering you that much. And you have to know this from a girl you just started seeing? It makes you look like you are used to failure with women, not success. And women will recognize this right away, because it will mirror the behavior of all the other guys she has broken up with.

Again, I don't think inaction is a game. Its simply training yourself to not focus on that which is truly not that important. And a girl you just started seeing, is not that important. Ever. I don't care how hot she is. You don't even know her yet. She has yet to prove herself to you.

 

[Induced Drag]

Great post Jariel! What you said is so true.

 

[Jair213]

Of course, its fair to look at it that way. The way I choose to see it, is that by not trying to force something through action, a guy can teach himself patience. By following a new model of behavior.

Because, lets face it, if you were dating a girl for a few weeks or so, and you didn't hear from her for a few days, it is really necessary to try and force a conversation with her? It is really that important to try and figure out what is going on with her? Or are you consumed with your purpose in life (and confident in your ability to easily attract other women) to the point where not hearing from her for a few days is no big deal?

Now, think about it from her perspective. Say she is busy, or not in a good mood, dealing with medical or family things, whatever. Now you are calling her wondering what is going on, what is wrong, is it something you did, is the relationship ok?

What does this communicate? Neediness. And its not a game. Its the truth. Because you would be acting needy. Like you have to KNOW everything is ok because it is bothering you that much. And you have to know this from a girl you just started seeing? It makes you look like you are used to failure with women, not success. And women will recognize this right away, because it will mirror the behavior of all the other guys she has broken up with.

Again, I don't think inaction is a game. Its simply training yourself to not focus on that which is truly not that important. And a girl you just started seeing, is not that important. Ever. I don't care how hot she is. You don't even know her yet. She has yet to prove herself to you.

If you didnt hear from the chick a few days I think Its ok to contact her depending how you aproach the call. If you reach out to her and you seemed needie and are needie she will notice that. Just be cool and brief with it. No need to be needie or feel needie.

 

[sylvester the cat]

Double edged sword though. I was inactive with a girl I really cared about and she went and married and had a child with someone else. She thought I wasn't into her anymore.

 

[Jariel]

Double edged sword though. I was inactive with a girl I really cared about and she went and married and had a child with someone else. She thought I wasn't into her anymore.

It's all about balance and knowing when to act and when not to.

I've lost girls for the same reason, and I would always suggest dropping a girl a quick and friendly text if you've not heard from her for a few days. I've had texts go missing before or had girls worry they were bothering me too much and by making contact it has cleared things up.

But there's a big difference between getting in touch with a girl after you've not heard from her and contacting her with controlling intentions.

The former could be a simple text like: "Hey, not heard from you for a few days/week so thought I'd say hi and see how you're doing"

The latter would be filled with strategy, such as attempts to make her jealous, trying to hard to be cool, fishing for explanations or reassurance, or the old sending her a text but pretending it was meant for someone else.

I would say a good guide to follow is that if you ever find yourself thinking of strategies to increase a girl's interest, it's better to do nothing.

 

[Yewki]

Sounds like you've become quickly attached to this new girl and need to tread carefully. Hopefully you're still trying to spin plates.

 

[NewToTheGame]

If you didnt hear from the chick a few days I think Its ok to contact her depending how you aproach the call. If you reach out to her and you seemed needie and are needie she will notice that. Just be cool and brief with it. No need to be needie or feel needie.

You know, I agree with this too. I think as long as you feel in control of your emotions and the situation in general, reaching out is fine.

What I was thinking was when you get that nervous feeling that something is up, and you start to feel out of control of your emotions. And, what to do then is to force yourself not to act. Don't try and force the issue. Train yourself to just let things happen, and regain your composure.

Of course there are an infinite amount of scenarios. I just really like the gist of Jariel's thoughts on this. As men, we want to try and make things happen through action. But sometimes, with women, this action just ends up getting us further away from our original goals.