LDR: Need to make a decision on 18 month relationship

[brucekiwi]

Hey,

I don’t really have a specific question, I'm just going to write my situation and if anyone has been in a similar situation and has some input or advice I would appreciate it. I'll try to keep this as short as possible yet with enough info so you can get an idea and hopefully help me out. Thanks for taking the time to read.

To give some brief background info on me, I'm 25 years old and have just graduated from university. I have done lots of travelling in my life and had only a few serious relationships, but lots of flings.

At the moment I'm in the most serious relationship I've ever had with a Swedish girl who I met while on university exchange in Argentina. We met 18 months ago, were together in Argentina 8 months, apart 6 months (during which time we decided to stay together and have a LDR) and then together again for 4 months (she came here and stayed with me, we had a long holiday driving round the country). She flew back to Sweden this morning.

Now the decision I have to make asap is whether I:

1) Accept the graduate job I have been offered here and effectively part ways with this girl since neither of us want to go through the difficulties of a LDR again, and she cant afford to come back and visit me anytime soon

2) Move to Sweden for the short - medium term and live with her


The benefits of 1) I will be financially secure and return to the fun life of being a bachelor. I've been with lots of women in the past and I sometimes miss the free life of being able to hook up with randoms and travel and do whatever I want.

The benefits of 2) I can honestly say I am in love with this girl and dont know if I will ever meet someone who is as perfect for me as her again in my life. I know that will sound ridiculous to most people, I wouldve vomited 2 years ago if I saw myself writing something like this. But during the one year I was physically with this girl we were living together and with each other 24/7. Normally I get bored of girls after one week, but we are still having great conversations, great sex, love spending time with each other etc.

The disadvantages of 1) I will possibly live in regret of letting go of someone special who actually meant something to me more than sex or a bit of fun

The disadvantages of 2) I will most likely be in financial ruin as Sweden is very expensive and I will only be able to get a ****ty lower level job over there. I will be leaving my life behind (a good life, I have great friends, live on the beach and surf every day, a good job, nice apartment) to move to a freezing cold country where I dont know anyone or anything.


Ok I wont write anything else. Im just a little confused and dont want to make a decision I will regret. I know that ultimately this is entirely up to me but if anyone has been through something similar it would be great to hear an opinion.

Thank you

p.s. a few things that I need to clarify so you can better understand the situation; I am in love with the girl and the feeling is mutual. If she was from my country or me from hers we would probably be married or engaged. However I'm also a realist and when I look at the relationship objectively it seems quite doomed since neither of us are willing (at this stage) to leave our home country permanently. I feel that I'm wasting my youth away being with this one girl in something that may not last. However I also feel that if we break up we will both regret it forever. I just cant think of a solution.

 

[Noobie]

Hey, I'd say stay with your life and visit her occasionally.

I understand when you say you really love this girl, but wait until she graduates cuz you definitely need to be able to have a job to survive.

Not much advice there, but definitely keep us posted on what you decide!

 

[EastWind]

I met an american girl while she was spending a year here in Germany. It was my first serious relationship, and it was every bit as perfect as you described it. She left for the states again in August, and we had to spend five weeks apart - it worked well because we knew I'd visit her in September, I was really busy with exams, she was busy with school. Then we had three more perfect weeks in the states... and then I flew back.

She broke up with me over Christmas because she doesn't want to live in Germany, and I can't honestly say I'm willing to leave everything here behind for her. So I know how you feel.

It blows our hormone-flooded minds, but a girl isn't actually a good reason to leave our lives behind. If you had a secure job waiting for you over there... and you could honestly say you liked the country, etc, etc... the argument would be different.

It sounds like you have enough things and friends at home to distract you while you get over her. Again, I know how you feel. But I'd advise making the healthy decision.

A few pointers, since you're in a situation very similar to mine:

- DO NOT stay in a LDR if you haven't got a REAL, VERY CERTAIN and CLOSE date after which you two will be TOGETHER in the SAME country INDEFINITELY, or at the very least a SUBSTANCIAL period of time (I'd say anything from a year up). From what you've written you obviously already know this, however since you're probably very emotional right now I want to stress this again. I went through hell during the two months I didn't see my girl, mostly because I didn't know what would come after those two weeks at Christmas. Don't go there. Seriously.

- Be the one to break up. Afterwards, you'll have second thoughts, doubts and regrets, but ultimately you'll feel better because it will have been YOUR decision. I wish I'd have had the guts to do that.

- After you two break up, cut all ties, get rid of all memories (don't throw them out, just stash them away, obviously). DO NOT check her facebook or similar, not even "just to see..." I did it for a while, and it's *really* unhealthy. Our memories trigger best on images, so stay the hell away from those. For ever. Or at least a year.

- Chances are, you'll be an emotional mess afterwards. I was. Don't stay home, obviously, but go out with your friends, work on something that occupies your mind. Don't engage in boring activities, your thoughts will wander off.

Expect that to last for a long while. Some people might tell you to FTOW, but in my experience, even for the manliest of men out there, coming out of a truly happy and fulfilling relationship is hard and takes time. And a new girl that clicks with you. Not just sex.

$0.02

 

[B_Relentless]

I will just give my own opinion.

To begin with I think it is a very good thing that you have been fortunate to have some descent flings in your time. Those should have been good times for you never to regret or forget.

I also think it can be rare that you meet a woman who you and her love each other and have the opportunity to be together. For example, it seems to me that every six months I meet a woman I know I could fall for deeply or maybe I even do fall for her, but the situation isn't good for what ever reason. Maybe she has a boyfriend or is so young (18; I'm 30) that I think things wouldn't work out. I like to get caught up in fantasies like that even if I know I won't stick it out with the girl. And most women I meet I never trust enough to consider something serious and long term with them.

Speaking of trust and when it comes to making a lifetime commitment, it takes me a lot and a long time to trust a woman enough to consider it. I learned my lesson after I invested my heart and sole into a woman for some months and things didn't work out and I got my heart broken. You also have to consider everything. Will she be responsible in the relationship in terms of a job and things like that? Will she be responsible enough to be a good mother one day? Based on all that stuff, I certainly wouldn't marry a woman unless I knew her for years. And I definitely wouldn't get married without a prenuptial agreement. If she wants my stuff then she has to say with me until the day I die. I'm not getting burned through divorce.

I also think the most important thing is for you to make the decision that provides you with the best career opportunity. You need a good career for yourself. You can't live on love.

But I also think a woman who you can truly trust, a woman who you know will make a good partner, a woman who will stick by your side for years, is very hard to come by. And 1.5 years isn't long enough to know. I think your best bet is to take the awesome job and stay in touch with the woman. Work on getting a stable career. And hope that one day she can come and stay with you.

I'll give some of my own stories for example. Most of the close woman friends or girlfriends I have had in my life have come and gone. And I think it takes a good woman to stick around for years, let her be a lover or just friends, its all the same. I have one good friend and an X girlfriend who I stayed in touch with from college and we talk occasionally. I suppose I still talk to other x girlfriends once in a while too. I also have this one girl who I met in college and I tried to get her back then and couldn't get her. Then later on I called her back and we have been getting closer and its been a few years now. We have been pretty much close friends with no true definition. I kept my communication vague with her about that. And she is so shy and I don't think they have much of a concept of boyfriend and girlfriend where she is from; they study and work first, then eventually the parents help them find someone to marry. Its been long distance too, oversees now. She is probably one of the only women I have trusted in my life. It took a long time for her, but eventually she brought up the idea of marriage. But the thing is that I have my career to work on and so does she, and she wants to go to grad school in a few years too. So I just told her we would stay in touch, visit when we can, I would work on my career, and she would maybe finish grad school, and eventually we would get together. In the mean time I am chasing other women here because I want to make up for all the times I wasn't banging the hot women I wanted, and also just in case things don't work out with her, because you never know. But I have a feeling that I will do my thing hear and eventually she and I will get together. That is years of trust built up. Yeah, and I know I'm the ******* in a way because I'm here chasing other women while she doesn't even talk to other guys. But hey, I don't have a verbal commitment anyways.

So you see what I'm saying? Do what you want. But my opinion is that you should do the responsible thing. And if she truly is worth your while, she will be able to stay in touch with you long distance. Keep in mind that the reason why I was able to stay in touch with that girl and over time build a great relationship over time, is because I didn't try to make us live in a box (so to speak) and make it an either/or thing. It takes away all the pressure due to rules. We weren't together, but we always felt that closeness. And eventually got closer and closer. I didn't have to ask her to be mine, but she feels it that way like we are.

 

[MisterMcGee]

Go on a 'break'.

 

[brucekiwi]

Thanks for taking the time to reply, it's extremely helpful to hear objective opinions outside of my circle of friends and people who know me, who only offer really biased opinions one way or the other.

In the last couple of hours since I posted this there has already been a potential massive change and another option added to the list.

I was skyping with my girl trying to get things sorted as soon as possible, we were discussing our future and the possibility of breaking up, just being friends etc etc.

She has offered to move here in April and stay until January, taking her university courses online. In the 2 hours she has been back in Sweden she has already researched that this way she would get money from the Swedish government as a student living overseas, enough to pay rent, and her visa would allow her to work if she needed extra money.

I was stoked when she told me this, its nice to know that she is taking this decision as seriously as me. But it may just be delaying the inevitable, a situation like what EastWind described.

And I would still be sacrificing alot to make it work. I would have to change apartments so we could live together in our own place (I'm currently sharing a really nice 2 bedroom place with 6 friends which is alot of fun, but for obvious reasons i couldnt stay there with her) which would mean spending alot more and probably living away from the beach which is a big part of my life. But I feel if she's willing to make such a big sacrifice and leave everything behind I owe it to her to give this a shot.

The idea is that we would share an apartment just the 2 of us and then we would have a clearer idea if there is any long term future.

It's great that this option is now open, but it doesnt really make the decision any easier. April to January is a big commitment. And I would feel obliged to go to Sweden with her after January since she wouldve spent so much time in my country.

To be honest if I go through with it I have no doubt we will be great together, but what concerns me is that I have a feeling that come January next year our future will be as unclear as it is right now.

I'm starting to ramble and lose my train of thought so I'll stop writing, I hope I managed to convey the situaiton clearly. Any additional advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'll write here again soon when I'm thinking more clearly or have more information. Thanks

 

[slaog]

I was going to advise you to go to Sweden for a few months to a year and see how thngs go but it sounds like she's coming to you now which is good. It means she really likes you too.


You have to ask yourself what you want from life? If you let her go you might regret it. Then again if jobs and money are more important to you then go that route.


Everybody have to make sacrifices if they want something new in their lives. You just have to see if she's worth not being with your friends and missing the beach etc.

 

[EastWind]

When I had to decide whether I wanted to spend 1-2 semesters in the states in her town (which has the University of Michigan, which is good), I decided against it because I thought a girl is a stupid reason to spend a year abroad. Now I'm partly regretting the decision because the town itself is nice too, I like the people, the University is good...

My point is: If you're thinking about moving to Sweden, try and picture how it would be if she broke up with you on day one. Or after one week, it doesn't matter. The scenario is: You're there, alone, with a substantial period of time 'till you go home (which you can always do, of course, but never mind that here). What do you do? What can you picture yourself doing? If nothing comes to mind... you don't have a reason to go there for more than a vacation. While your relationship is obviously stable, relationships are never a thing to build upon. (Except if you get married. Then you kind of have to.)

In my case, I found out that I wasn't sure enough I would be going for plenty of good reasons and not just one. But you may decide differently. You might need to try out Sweden for a while.

In the end, all I and the other posters can do is talk about our experience... and I know exactly how you feel because I was there just three months ago.

What happened was that I had visited her for three weeks, and as soon as I came home, we planned her trip here for Christmas, which was 10 weeks away. 10 weeks is a long time. Even though it was an open relationship - which did not have any bad effect on our connection - I was still in the "I have a girlfriend" mindset, and it affected me. I went home to videocall her at impossible hours, while everyone else was out having fun. It affected me. I gave it more importance than other things in my life. Eventually she stopped being online so often. I reacted by getting more into the things I was doing, which helped - but solved nothing. She came and left after four days. Five days later she broke up with me.

The break-up itself wasn't bad... since I was expecting it, and rejection is not a big issue for me anymore. I was sad, of course - still am - but the worst part was the two months apart. It's just hell. As long as you think of yourself as having a girlfriend, you will act differently, and probably not in a healthy manner.

Again, just my $0.02... if she's really that into you, it's great... find out if she wants to move there for ever. Does she have plans in Sweden afterwards? Go to a specific school, get a specific job? How does she feel about leaving her parents behind?

Oh, and, how old are the two of you?

 

[brucekiwi]

Hey,

To answer your questions slaog and Eastwind:

"You have to ask yourself what you want from life?" To be honest, happiness. I didnt have the greatest childhood so if I can be happy in life then I'll be more than satisfied. That used to mean surfing everyday, hanging out with friends, fun jobs, being with lots of different girls, travelling etc. With this girl I'm also happy, but a different kind of happiness. With her I'm happy just to be. We could be sitting inside or lying in bed doing absolutely nothing and I'm just happy in her company. This is something new to me coz I'm a really active guy and usually go crazy doing nothing. Sorry if thats answer doesnt really help, I dont want to elaborate or this will turn into a completely different post.

find out if she wants to move there for ever. Does she have plans in Sweden afterwards? Go to a specific school, get a specific job? How does she feel about leaving her parents behind? At the moment she doesnt want to move here forever. But maybe after living here (actually living - work/study etc not just a holiday) then she will have a better idea. Unfortunately like me she wants a specific grad job in her home country. But she's postponing that if she comes here for the rest of the year. And leaving her parents; they dont want her to come back here for so long, but shes willing to do it anyway. but leave them behind forever... I dont know. Your questions hit home hard coz I know that although we love each other and will make sacrifices in the short term, I dont know about the long term i.e. forever. But we're hoping that moving in together and actually living in a proper country (not just travelling or being exchange students together) will give a clearer picture.


Oh, and, how old are the two of you? I turned 25 this year and she turned 24. I know we're both very young and the thought of marriage may sound ridiculous to some, but without wanting to sound conceited I feel we are both more mature than the average 24 and 25 year old. She has lived away from home since she was 16 and is very independent and has travelled all around the world. Since finishing highschool I've lived (either on working or student visas) in many overseas countries and even during the hardest times have always been able to support myself. And we have been through alot together e.g. I nearly died in Bolivia from food poisoning while we were travelling together, became bankrupt paying the hospital fees, and we got through that. Another time in Brazil she was robbed and had no money for weeks, I was already basically broke from the hospital fees, but we got through that. So moving to the other country for a while isnt a big deal to us, we know that we will get through any difficulties. It's just hard to go through with it when we cant see at this stage any solution to making this relationship work in the longer term...

I'll leave it at that for now. And also to update the new circumstances. She has to apply to the government and her school and visa office by next week if she is coming here.. So we have to basically decide our future by the weekend. I dont want to take this decision lightly, but to be honest I feel physically sick inside thinking of the option of parting ways. I'm in love, but I'm not blinded by love either, I know I could live without her. But at the same time we have been through so much together, and I dont know if I will ever meet someone as great as her again. I dont know if I could live with myself if we break up and 10 years down the track I marry someone who isnt as special as her and who doesnt love me like her. I know thats a stupid way to think but im a realist and i cant help it. thanks again for the advice

 

[EastWind]

Sounds like you've really been through a lot together... I say have her come there for the year and see what happens. A year is a long time.

 

[brucekiwi]

Yeah thanks everyone who gave advice. She's just got her visa and is coming in a couple weeks and will stay until new years. I guess if all is still perfect I'll travel to Sweden with her after that and see how it is. And if things dont work out then I won't feel any regret coz I gave it a shot. And I'm still a young guy anyway.

Eastwind, just out of curiosity are you still intouch with your ex? Goodluck to you.