Hi Reed,
First of all, as a preface, I haven't been to this board for probably over a year. As such, this is the only thread of yours which I have read, though it seems there are plenty from what others have posted here.
Me not fully knowing the situation is not necessarily a bad thing here. Look at it this way, if what I wrote rings true, or rings PERIOD, then you should pay attention to what I am writing.
On the other hand, if I am making false assumptions, then feel free to dismiss what I have written.
The only condition is that you answer yourself truly. Do not try to justify why something is as is, or why the young lady did or did not do something. Just be completely honest with yourself, and believe me, you know when you are being honest with yourself or when you are lying to yourself. Lie to others if you must, but NEVER under any condition do you lie to yourself.
Let's proceed.
First of all, it appears that the young lady told you that she was a virgin, and then you found out that she was lying. Either she told you, or you have assumed, that she had been with only one or two guys.
Because of that revelation, guys on this board have called her a ho. Naturally you don't like that. I don't blame you - I wouldn't like it as well. So you do what your natural instincts compel you to do, which is defend her.
Unfortunately, your motivation is wrong. I wouldn't like guys calling a girl that I had feelings for a ho either, even if she is. That would be a disrespect to me as well as to her.
That does not mean however, that you force yourself to believe that she isn't a ho. You NEVER lie to yourself.
The problem with your reaction is that part of you feels that perhaps you are being played for a sucker. And that part will do what it has to prove to you and to others that this is not the case. So you justify her actions, and stand up for her. But it's half-hearted, because you know deep inside that you're trying to save your pride. And pride is a big factor here, and a big reason why you can't move on and leave her, or just don't care how many guys she has been with and stay (happily).
Now, my personal deal is that I don't really care about a girl's past. Her past is her past, as long as it remains in the past and cannot effect me now.
So the number of partners she has had does not concern me. Whether your girl has only been with one guy before you, or a dozen, shouldn't really concern you as well (even though it probably does).
What should concern you is honesty. Nothing is more important to me personally in a relationship than honesty. If I had to choose between being in a relationship with love being the main attribute, or honesty and trust being the main attribute, I would pick honesty and trust any day of the week (but it doesn't mean that I'm not aiming for the whole package).
She lied to you, and whether you admit it to us or not, this is very hard for you. You would rather know the truth, whether it's good or bad, than be in a situation where your mind is left to its imagination. And the worst part of this, is that you will find yourself having doubts, and then immediately finding or creating justifications and reasons why that is not so. Congratulations, this is THE cycle which creates and perpetuates infatuation. It's a bytch, ain't it?
Secondly, the whole situation with the mother. This is more tricky. Basically, there are two questions that need to be asked. First, is she really with her mother or with another guy, or something else altogether. Secondly, why would she not want to introduce you to her mother.
Let's address both questions. In addressing this particular question, I am going with the assumption that you are a white American. In case you are not white, that alone could be reason why she did not introduce you to her mother.
If her mother is hard-core Asian, then her first choice is for her daughter to be with an Asian, specifically one of the her race (Korean). Second to that would be white, blond-hair American.
Even though Americans are not very popular right now in most of the world, for a man or a woman to be married to an American is considered a great catch in most countries. This is specifically true for certain races, including some (but not all) Asian countries.
Within the same vein, if you are anything but Korean or white, this could be a problem for her mother.
I'm Middle-Eastern, having lived most of my life in the USA, and in most countries in the Middle East, as much as they may hate America (actually it's not America they hate, but rather the policies of our government, but that's another story), they still consider it a great catch if one of their members marries a blond-hair white American. This is second in appeal to marrying someone of your own origin. On the other hand if you end up with someone who is not of your country, and who is not white, it is often considered an embarrassment for the family.
(NOTE: Guys, please don't think that I am in anyway racist. I'm only here to report the truth as it is. Me personally - I judge a person strictly by their character, and their bodies if they happen to be girls)
So if you're a white, successful man, then something is not adding up. This is especially true when you consider that in most Asian (as well as Middle Eastern and others) countries, for a young lady to find a suitable husband is one of the most important goals for any woman to achieve.
So if she really is meeting her mom, then I can guarantee you that her mom had been jumping down her throat for not being married or at least having prospects.
The fact that she called to invite you to meet her mom as you were on the train, immediately raised a red flag to me. I could be completely wrong, but her inviting you to meet her mom when you were leaving seems just as likely to be a way for her to cover all her basis. She knew, or at least assumed, that you would not be able to meet her. Which of course does not tell us if she really is with her mom, or is making up the whole things.
So after reading this far, what have you really determined? The answer is nothing. The reason it's nothing is that there is no real way for you to know, 100%, her sexually history, or what is the situation with her mom. And you may never fully know.
This is the hard part, living with uncertainty. One part of you wants to jump down the rabbit hole and see how deep it really is, and yet another part is too afraid that you'll find out things that you don't want to know, and come to realize that you may have been played like a fool. It may seem to that part of you that ignorance is bliss.
But you don't really believe that, and that's why your questioning everything she does or does not do. And it is this alternating cycle of wanting to know and being afraid of the truth, and trying to protect yourself, your ego, and your pride, that is causing you all this grief, NOT anything which she may have or not have done.
Don't feel bad, I've been where you are many times. The not knowing, the doubt, the justifications, the anger, and the moments of joy, all those combined create a state in which you cannot think straight and are caught in an endless loop that just drives you mad. If only you can have 100% irrefutable evidence. Guess what, you won’t.
You only have two choices, jump down this rabbit hole as far as it goes and risk being a major fool, or walk away and protect your heart. Being on the fence is not working, you're just slowly cutting yourself on the sharpened top of the fence.
Whether you decide to walk or jump in fully is strictly up to you. There is no truly correct or incorrect choice. Most guys here will tell you to ditch her. They are right if your goal is to protect your heart and prevent possible pain and suffering, as well as to find someone who is truly right for you and treats you the way you want to be treated.
For my part, I would gladly be the fool. I've been the fool before, and I have no regrets. You will always learn way more from your mistakes than you will ever learn from your successes, and infinitely more than just avoiding the whole situation.
For the record, my way is not the easy way. My way will lead you to much pain and sadness, and many guys who walk this path end up being jaded towards all women and never truly trusting anyone, including themselves. In fact, I would say the real battle on this path begins after you have realized that you are being played. And it's not the heartache and pain, and wounded pride. It's rather the battle which you will have to fight within yourself, to use this experience to be a much wiser person, and to do so WITHOUT becoming jaded. This is the task at hand, to use the experience to remove your insecurities, not to build even more insecurities.
It's not the easy way to live life, but if you follow the path it will lead to a FULLER life. But no one ever said fuller meant easier.
I have no idea if any of this helped, but good luck and enjoy the good, the bad, and the ugly. It's only when you can truly accept and look forward to this good, bad, and ugly will you have conquered your insecurities and weaknesses. Just for the record... it is a long and hard battle.
Master of the Universe
P.S. In case you don't already know this, your interest in this girl is much higher than hers is in you. The fact that she did not initially want you to meet her mom in an indicator of such. So whether her mom is really with her or not becomes a moot point. Either way, her interest level is not as high as yours. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who was excited about her mom coming over so that she could finally introduce you to her? Just a thought... to paraphrase Carlos Castaneda’s Don Juan, all paths are the same, they lead nowhere. The joy is to follow a path with heart, any path with heart, and to traverse the entire lengths of that path.
