Knowing a good woman when you have her

[AmIAFC]

Hello, DJs:

I've been seeing this woman for a year now, and so far it's been pretty good. She's very humble, giving, and understanding. For example, I was suffering from a terrible fever for an entire week, and she took time off work to help me out around the house and help nurse me back to health. All in all, a good woman.

However, my gut instincts tell me she's not the right one. Not based on anything she's done or hasn't done, but mainly due to certain physical standards that she fails to meet. I won't go into any specifics, but I will say that there are times where I'm simply not sexually motivated by her.

My question to you guys is this: At what point should personal standards yield to common sense? This woman does everything right, says all the right things, and is essentially wifey material, but in my opinion she's not the full package, even though she's the closest to that status than any woman I've been around. At what point does one have to "grow up," allow for certain imperfections in their partner to slide, and just accept the person for what they are as opposed to what you envision the "perfect mate" to be. Should I quit looking for Ms. 100% and settle for the next best thing, or would I be compromising myself by doing that?

Thanks for your help.

 

[AmIAFC]

You are using a lot of superlatives (and a couple of feminist catch phrases) to rationalize settling for a woman you are not sexually attracted to.

1. Marrying a woman you are not sexually attracted to and don't see as the "full package" is not exercising common sense. It is the opposite.

2. It is also not indicative of one "growing up." Marrying someone - whether she's perfect for you or not - will not automatically place you on some higher echelon of adulthood.

3. There is no "perfect mate." You will always allow for imperfections. It is up to you to decide which flaws are okay and which are deal-breakers.

4. There is no "Ms. 100%." See above.

Once you disabuse yourself of these notions, and, eh, abuse yourself of the notion that attraction is an important factor in a relationship, you can make a decision with a clear conscience.

I'm going to quote Rollo for the umpteenth time and be direct: You're not fukking her niceness.

She sounds like a nice woman and she'll make a great mate for someone. Ask yourself first if you even want to be married, and secondly if you really want to spend a lifetime with a woman who doesn't sexually motivate you.

Hope that helps.

Thanks for your response, man. However:

I've never once mentioned marriage. Marriage isn't even on the radar. I was thinking more along the lines of a steady, exclusive relationship. Perhaps I should have made that clear in the beginning.

Second, I know there's no perfect mate or Ms. 100%, hence the quotes (implying sarcasm).

The issue I have with respect to this woman is whether or not my hesitation to pursue a steady relationship with her is due to a personally flawed perception of women in general -- if my standards are just too ****ed up to begin with that I can't spot a quality girl if one sat on my face. Have you ever dated someone and friends/family say you two are a great match, but you don't think so because of unrealistic standards that you've set for yourself? A part of me suspects that I've been programmed to like a certain type of woman that simply doesn't exist, and I'm allowing quality women to walk away as a result...

 

[disgustipated]

Sorry to bring your thread down to a grubby level but we are talking sexual here.

Can you consistently orgasm with her? If you can I don't see what's the problem because that's the end goal in sex no?

If I can't and she isn't willing, without prodding, to do some extra freaky shiat then I know long term this will be a sticking point. For both of us.

I like bjs. But it's not something I have to have or usually fantasize about. However, if I find myself even getting aroused from the thought of any certain girl giving me one, I know I'm very very sexually attracted to a girl. There's all kinds of degrees of how much I'm attracted to a given girl for me.

 

[Colossus]

AmIAFC:

I posted a thread similar to this a couple months ago (here).

I've come to a place of clarity on it since then, and I'll try to summarize it as simply as I can:

- There is no Ms. 100%. The criteria for "100%" are going to change for you throughout your life and even from day to day. It is just impossible for any one person to meet that for you on a consistent basis.

-Feelings come and go. You need to look at the aggregate of all your feelings for this girl, or your "baseline" feelings for her when making a stay-or-go decision.

-Looks are a rate-limiting step in any M-F relationship. However, your perception of her, like your own dynamic needs, will flux. For example, there are times when I look at my gf and I am really happy with her physically. There are other times when I only see her flaws, and become dissatisfied. This is really MY problem, not hers. Could I go out and find one I think is hot 100% of the time? Sure. But I'd be giving up KNOWN positive attributes and benefits with her by doing so. I may not find all of them in another girl. There is always a risk when you do this.

-That said, everyone has an attractiveness threshold. Does she meet yours? A good way I think to answer this is to look at your own arousal to her. Does she give you a boner? It may sound juvenile but really, when you kiss or touch her do you start to get hard? If so, that is a pretty good indicator of your physical attraction to her. Also remind yourself often that pvssy is pvssy. One is not more glorious than another. It's really the total picture she presents that makes up attraction.


It sounds to me like you already know she isnt the one for you. That's ok, just be careful of 1) leaving her for overly superficial reasons, and 2) staying with her despite a legitimate attraction deficit.

Hope that helps.

 

[Colossus]

Just as an addendum, I think a lot of men---myself included---have the 'Grass is Greener' syndrome. It's a cycle of newness, infatuation, then realization, dissatisfaction, and boredom.

The roots of this are debatable, but I do think it can keep many of us from relationship happiness. This is not to say we should settle, but you can also spend your entire life looking for bigger and better. At some point it becomes pathological.

 

[backbreaker]

Just as an addendum, I think a lot of men---myself included---have the 'Grass is Greener' syndrome. It's a cycle of newness, infatuation, then realization, dissatisfaction, and boredom.

The roots of this are debatable, but I do think it can keep many of us from relationship happiness. This is not to say we should settle, but you can also spend your entire life looking for bigger and better. At some point it becomes pathological.

while true, the one prerequisite for me to marry a woman is for her to be in my opinion ass licking hot. that is not up for debate

for me to not want to have sex with other women my wife has to seriously turn me on. that's not up for question. i would marry attila the hun's sister if she looked like tricia helfner before i married a plane jane who was very sweet and nice and humble and all that good stuff.


you are correct there is no miss perfect. my wife has flaws but she has flaws i can live with. i'm a neat freak. my wife isn't. at all lol. i do all the cleaning in the house beucase i am obsessive about it. i can live with that. i can live with her not being the best cook on earth. one flaw i cannot live with is her not being smoking hot.

would you hire a football coach who is a great guy, great person, but is a ****ty coach lol? would you hire a cook who knows all types of foods and is very personalbe but all the food he cooks is very bland? then why would you marry a woman who is a nice woman and humble and all that but she is not very attractive? common sense guys come on

it's just like antying else in life. you have things you Have to have and you have things you want. being sexually attracted to my wife at all times is a half to have.

if you can't marry exactly what you want to have there is no point to getting married. whatsoever. the only time and reason you should get married is becuase you have found something worth locking up.

 

[jhl]

IAMIAFC. Being Asian, I have more trouble with the issue you talk about than most people from other races.

We are conditioned from the getgo (through our parents, television, peers, etc) that you want the humble, nice, caring, housewifey material.

Obviously though that's not how our brains our wired. Almost all Asian guys I know suffer from this dilemma. Many play the field, and MANY settle in the end for this type of boring, nice girl b/c it's the "right thing to do". They make everyone around them happy (parents, relatives, etc) and get praised for marrying such a girl..but guess what happens?

The guy gets miserable, goes out and cheat, or at best is SO detached from the wife that the marriage crumbles.

This site mentions a lot of great things for hooking up with women and what to do, but rarely do I see this mentioned.

The #1 thing that kills a woman's attraction for men is utter betaness and weakness. I don't think we disagree with that.

One of the top killers of LTR and marriages for marrying such a NICE girl like the one you mentioned is COMPLETE detachment and aloofness (and I mean 100%). There is nothing worse when these nice girls try and try and try to get your affection and attention, only for you to not give an utter **** b/c there is absolutely no attraction whatsoever to the girl. The girl will eventually get into serious depression or leave.

Ever know what it feels like to wreck a nice girl's feelings, especially one who has poured everything out to you? It's a really ****ty feeling trust me and you don't ever want to go into that territory.

There are girls who have several of those traits you look for and who are still physically attractive. Go for physical attraction first, then screen for the rest of the characteristics you want. It'll be better for you in the long term.

final tip: if you ever try justifying the relationship/girl etc with...oh but she has these good humble, nice, characteristics etc, 99% of the time it means you aren't physically attractive and it's time to look elsewhere.

 

[Burroughs]

If she doesn't get your d!ck raging hard then its time to move on.

If you are trying to convince yourself otherwise and settle for 'niceness' & what your parents and others want....well...then...you deserve what you get.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear AFC?,
The first thing I ask you,why must this lead to marriage?there are other paths to follow....She sounds like a lovely Lady,but you are not satisfied....Bit like buying a Car,if there is something not quite right about it and you go ahead with the deal,it's a certainty that that you will be unhappy....One year is not a long time,certainly no need to make any big change in your life...a few more years and you will see if she really is your metier,maybe meet someone better.....Who knows?

 

[AmIAFC]

Fellas, I've never said anything about marriage. lol

Granted, she doesn't turn me on most of the time, but being 33-years-old and having played the field/spinned plates/etc., I've yet to find someone with her stunning personality. Fine, I'm not ****ing her personality and it's virtually impossible to force oneself to be sexually attracted to a woman, but I was attracted to her sexually at one point.

My concern is that I might be one of those guys that suffer from the "grass-is-always-greener..." syndrome. If she were a young Tyra Banks, would I be attracted to her 6 months down the line? I've been with HB8s in the past, and I've gotten bored with them sexually after a period of time.

Am I the problem? Or is it that I haven't found the right woman yet, despite being around. If I'm the problem, how do I fix it?

 

[speed dawg]

AmIAFC,

For me, it basically boils down to one thing: What has to happen to make you more sexually attracted to her?

Obviously she has a lot going for her in other ways, as you mention. You obviously have the upper hand in the relationship, so I'm sure she's flexible and can be led to improve herself if you go about it the right way.

Is she overweight? Pasty white? Dandruff? Bad breath?

If she's worth it in the other areas, I'd almost try and remedy her physical flaws if it can be done. Encourage her (subtly and covertly) to work out, tan, brush her teeth, douche, whatever. Get her to dress sexier. I'm not sure of her problem, maybe you can expand on that. It's worth a shot.

If that doesn't work, time to cut her loose so she can find someone who's more genuinely attracted to her. You owe her that, especially if she's as good a person as you make her out to be.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Mother Teresa didn't pass the boner test.

 

[yuppaz]

One of the girls I'm hanging out with fits that bill. I like a lot about her, she does lots of nice sh*t for me but terrible in bed and a little chubby (which I am not at all turned on by) - there is almost zero motivation to want to hang out with her and it REALLY takes away from the good qualities.

I wouldn't do it at all, chemistry is extremely important in dating, you want to want to f*ck the sh*t out of the girl...

 

[imaluvnit]

Fellas, I've never said anything about marriage. lol

Granted, she doesn't turn me on most of the time, but being 33-years-old and having played the field/spinned plates/etc., I've yet to find someone with her stunning personality. Fine, I'm not ****ing her personality and it's virtually impossible to force oneself to be sexually attracted to a woman, but I was attracted to her sexually at one point.

My concern is that I might be one of those guys that suffer from the "grass-is-always-greener..." syndrome. If she were a young Tyra Banks, would I be attracted to her 6 months down the line? I've been with HB8s in the past, and I've gotten bored with them sexually after a period of time.

Am I the problem? Or is it that I haven't found the right woman yet, despite being around. If I'm the problem, how do I fix it?

"The grass is'nt always greener on the other side, The grass is greener where you water it..

 

[lifeislearning]

while true, the one prerequisite for me to marry a woman is for her to be in my opinion ass licking hot. that is not up for debate...

...would you hire a football coach who is a great guy, great person, but is a ****ty coach lol? would you hire a cook who knows all types of foods and is very personalbe but all the food he cooks is very bland? then why would you marry a woman who is a nice woman and humble and all that but she is not very attractive? common sense guys come on

Sounds like you're saying a wife's one true purpose is to be attractive. I'll never lie to you gentlemen and say looks are not important to me, but I'm not sure the only prerequisite for a wife should be "hotness."

The purpose of a chef is to cook good food, the purpose of a coach is to train a team well. The question we have to ask ourselves is: "What is the purpose of a wife."

If the answer is someone that will make my d*ck hard till I die, well sorry to say, but nobody is attractive from cradle to grave. Shaking your ass in my face doesn't always help me overcome obstacles in my life. Isn't there a mental component to attraction as strong as the physical one? Should a wife be a partner you live and grow with through life's challenges, or simply a pretty slampiece?

If you are simply NOT attracted to a woman, but you admire her, and enjoy her presence there is a word for that. It's called a friend. Now if the the woman in question doesn't meet the requirements you always imagined she would, but brings others to the table you never knew you liked...

Then that IS a tough question. Only if she gets your d*ck hard too.

 

[AW1983]

snip

Great post man, repped you up.

 

[Zarky]

Knowing a good woman when you have her

She offers to let you bone her hot friends.

/thread