killing my AFC paralysis

[realsmoothie]

OK, after a year and a bit of some improvement from being a hardcore AFC for 30 years... I met an LTR-worthy girl and proceeded to screw it up after a couple of months. Now I'm feeling a little down. All the momentum and energy I had while dating this girl (the confidence level was up, so I was attracting the attention of others) has been petering out.

Something came to me yesterday in a flash of insight: I spend WAY too much time THINKING about how to get girls and not really GETTING any girls. This sounds really obvious, but to a person like me who tends to overanalyze everything this is important.

I tend to spend a lot of time planning and deliberating about "girl" stuff... i.e. planning about what to say when I call, WHEN I should call, what kinds of things to say when I meet one in my store, what kind of clothes should I wear and so on. Posting here on SoSuave is also part of this.

Now, all of this is OK, in moderation. I just do it too much.

So, my new plan is to simply not think about it more than 15 minutes a day. That's all I get. If there's something I NEED to think about, I'll write it down and deal with in those 15 minutes. If I'm working or showering or walking down the street and suddenly I start thinking "oh, I wonder how I could kiss Cindy tonight" or "I wonder if that cute girl who works at the supermarket likes me"... I'm going to try and put that thought aside and think about football or something.

This doesn't mean I can't approach women... if the woman is there, or i'm going to call someone I know, that's OK... I just can't spend a bunch of time thinking about it before hand.

The points are a) to spend more time focusing on myself rather than women and b) to hopefully become more spontaneous when the women is actually around.

I started doing this this morning. MAN is it tough... it's amazing how often this kind of crap comes into my head. SO much anxiety! Will let you know how it works, over time.

 

[realsmoothie]

Nobody has a thought on this?

It's brutally difficult not to think of women all the time. I've realized that it's a big crutch, a great procrastination tool for the worrying mind... rather than actually DO anything about it you fantasize about it, and get a bit of a charge.

 

[Silkandsteel]

In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with analysing and questioning things, as long it's not to your own detriment and the experience of it provides answers and positive results. I feel there is a huge difference between determining methods to achieve different outcomes and "dwelling on negative nothingness" which is what a lot of this type of introspective behaviour gives rise to.

Perhaps next time you go to the supermarket, take some ideas you've worked on in your mind and try them out. See what works and what doesn't, you may get a result, you may not, but the OUTCOME is important. The outcome will determine if the method(s) actually work for you or not. If they do, improve them, polish them, etc...if they don't DROP them and do not dwell on "what if's".

The psychology of it all IS fascinating for sure. You can spend hours creating hypothetical scenarios in your mind with different outcomes branching out here, there and everywhere, but as many would say "you don't learn to drive until you pass your test", so try the theory in the real-world more often and give yourself a boost when things go well.

If thinking too much removes you from real practice, then think less and do more. If practice is missing something and things aren't working, go back to the ol' drawingboard and rethink your approaches.

The fact you are "trying" is a step in the right direction in itself. It's very very easy for someone to say "don't get too hung up on thoughts and go do it", but if you define your reality through your actions, then you can only get results. Positive thinking, confidence, etc all pays off if you can live it...really live it.

The best salespeople REALLY BELIEVE in their product. Their enthusiam and belief in what they're selling transmits through to the customer and helps to influence them. You are your own product, so go sell yourself mate.

 

[Bible_Belt]

This doesn't mean I can't approach women... if the woman is there, or i'm going to call someone I know, that's OK... I just can't spend a bunch of time thinking about it before hand.

three second rule

 

[realsmoothie]

OK, thanks for the comments.

Yeah... this IS sort of like a 3 second rule for life, rather than just when you first see a girl. I'm not worried so much about wussing out right at the moment when the girl is there... It's just as much about wasting free time that could be "doing stuff" (i.e. improving my life or having real fun) by sitting there daydreaming about what I MIGHT do sometime in the future.

After a couple of weeks, well, it's a lot harder than I thought it would be. Especially when I'm drifting off to sleep or just waking up... my brain will wander to what it would be like to kiss the cutie that I always chat up at the grocery store, and what I could say to ask her out. It feels GOOD, man, like a drug.

But then I catch myself doing it and tell myself to stop. Think about anything else... (football is a good one right now, stupid fantasy team) but just change your train of thought. Or DO something. Get out of bed and get in the shower. Play XBOX. Write. Go to the gym.

Is there an effect so far? Not sure. I am feeling more confident and have really started flirting stronger every once in a while, but am not sure if that's a direct result of the "plan" or just part of being motivated in general.

 

[Freddy1]

I understand your problem. Your too much of an introvert. You need to work more torawrds being an exovert. (I'm an introvert so I tend to spot out other introverts easier than other guys.)

Too much chatter in the brain is the main problem (I have the same problem but is slowly overcomming it). Work on being more an exovert. Focus externally more and less inward.

Have you investigated cognitive therapy? It can help alot.
It also sounds like you might have abit of OCD (obssesive compulsive disorder) as well.

You should self examine your time line view of the world. Are you looking at the past too much? or Looking into the future too much? But not focus on the present?

Are you making wild baseless speculations? "Mind reading" of others? (quite often what you presume deosnt materialize in reality. Yeah so dont think of the worst scenarios if you can help it.)


I had to come to this conclusion and accept it my self: "Its okay to make mistakes" So if you mess up talking with a girl its okay. Just learn from it.

 

[Freddy1]

... I'm not worried so much about wussing out right at the moment when the girl is there... It's just as much about wasting free time that could be "doing stuff" (i.e. improving my life or having real fun) by sitting there daydreaming about what I MIGHT do sometime in the future.

Be cautious that your not developing OCD. People have wasted their lives day dreaming. Its all about balance. Dont forget you have to LIVE LIFE too. Youth once lost will Never come back. Dont waste your youth. (I know I have wasted some of my youth)
Talking to a girl is not wasteful. Its building social skills. Its part of human life. (read Desmond Morris materials if it inspires you) Do not ignore your Biologically nature and purpose. As Mystery said in his DVD's "Nature will unapologically weed your genes out of existence. Think of all your ancestors and the risks they took to put you here today".

People sometimes go overboard on making future plans that never materialize and they end up wasting their lives. Its about risk assesment. I know I made my own mistakes in that area. You cant take back your youth.

The question is do you really want to die as a lonely old man with no family. Thats the reality you face.

With my self I made a decision in my life that I'm Not going to be that lonley old man with no family. I'm going to live life for a change.

 

[Jackman]

There's nothing wrong with asking yourself a lot of questions. The problem is usually that you're asking yourself the wrong questions. It's an error in perception, basically.

I once heard someone from the financial world say that success is not something you pursue, it's something you attract. The more I thought about that the more true it rang, and it most especially applies to social situations. For example, we can pursue women until we turn blue in the face, but we're not going to get them if we can't somehow attract them.

In your post, you said, "Oh, I wonder how I could kiss Cindy tonight". This is a sign that you're trying to pursue. It's the wrong type of question to be asking yourself. Instead, you should be asking, "Why would Cindy want to kiss me tonight?", or, "Why would that girl want to give me her phone number?"

These types of questions always shift the focus away from whatever the topic is and towards you; towards your own self improvement. When you don't have a good answer for these types of questions, you then know exactly where the problem is and what you need to start working on. The answers you seek always come to you faster and are usually crystal clear. Once you solve the problem, you stop asking yourself those questions because you've achieved a milestone. You move on to bigger and better things that lead to new questions that lead to more self improvement.

When you achieve this new mindset, when you know how to ask yourself the right qustions and get the right answers, all actions that need to be taken to achieve success will always be rooted in personal growth for you by you, and not personal gain for you only by someone else's generous approval.

That's the stark reality in how the world works; everyone is always looking out for #1. If you live your life waiting for others to give you a lift up, you're going to be living on the generousity of others. You're going to be sitting around trying to think of new ways to beg for table scraps like a dog, whether it's a promotion at your job or a kiss from some chick named Cindy.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

 

[jophil28]

What is " AFC" ??

 

[realsmoothie]

\In your post, you said, "Oh, I wonder how I could kiss Cindy tonight". This is a sign that you're trying to pursue. It's the wrong type of question to be asking yourself. Instead, you should be asking, "Why would Cindy want to kiss me tonight?", or, "Why would that girl want to give me her phone number?"

Well, this is kind of an off-topic statement, because the point I'm making is that I'm spending too much time thinking about girls PERIOD. I'm trying to think less and do more.

NEVERTHELESS: your point is a good one! And funnily enough, I've slowly been incorporating such a perspective into the way I think. I'm starting to realize that I really am a "catch". I'm a sensative, good-looking, smart, and funny guy who is a hell of a kisser and knows where the female buttons are.

The thing I've been repeating to myself lately is "share yourself". You are the prize (and you really have to believe this for it to work), and it's a priviledge for a girl to have access to you.

It's working, I think.

 

[Freddy1]

What is " AFC" ??

It stands for A Frustrated Chump. Meaning someone who is unable to get girls.

Its a term that is used in the seduction community. I believe it might have been started by one of these seduction gurus like David deAngelo???? (not 100% sure who started the term). You'll find more terms used out there by the seduction community.

 

[Freddy1]

The thing I've been repeating to myself lately is "share yourself". You are the prize (and you really have to believe this for it to work), and it's a priviledge for a girl to have access to you.

It's working, I think.

I'm glad to hear that. Its good to have a set of mantras you can say daily.
Like "Everyday in everyway I'm getting better and better"

"I will not revert back to my old self"

"I'm a lean kickass machine"

"I'm the prize"

"I love how I look and I'm not ashame of it"

etc.

 

[realsmoothie]

I'm glad to hear that. Its good to have a set of mantras you can say daily.
Like "Everyday in everyway I'm getting better and better"

"I will not revert back to my old self"

"I'm a lean kickass machine"

"I'm the prize"

"I love how I look and I'm not ashame of it"

etc.

I don't say it randomly through the day as a mantra, though. It's something I'll say to myself occsionally just as I'm about to talk to a girl. Works pretty well in instilling a "YOU are the prize" mentality rather than a "oh PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take ME! ME!!!" lameness.

 

[Jackman]

Well, this is kind of an off-topic statement, because the point I'm making is that I'm spending too much time thinking about girls PERIOD. I'm trying to think less and do more.

When you ask why, you cannot possibly think about women. It always forces you to look at yourself. What I'm trying to talk about here is completely seperate from the "you're the prize" concept often talked about here. In fact, this "why" method of asking questions is supposed to help expose your weaknesses, which tells you exactly what it is you need to do. That thing you need to take action on.

If you answered the question, "Why would she want to kiss me?" with "I'm a sensative, good-looking, smart, and funny guy who is a hell of a kisser and knows where the female buttons are", well then you have to continue asking yourself, "Why haven't I already kissed her then?". You have to keep asking why until you discover the problem that you're struggling with; the problem that's holding you back in life.

You're not thinking about women, really. You're forced into thinking about yourself. You'll often find that once you discover the deeply-hidden reasons as to "why" , you'll discover something that has an effect in all other things in your life too. If you eventually find out that you haven't kissed some girl because you're fundamentally afraid, then you discovered a fear that resonates in everything you do. That same fear could keep you from promotions, opportunities et cetera. Things that have nothing to do with women and everything to do with self improvement.