Keeping the spark and mystery as you go from honeymoon phase to comfy phase in the relationship

[jnMissouri]

You know how you both spend a lot of time thinking about each other in the beginning, getting to know each other, wondering and trying to figure each other out, what they think of you, how they feel. All those exciting sparks and sleepless nights, etc.

Next thing you know it's been a couple of months and you're settling into a routine. You're not thinking about each other all the time or going out to dinners and activities so much as having dinner at each others places instead. She's cool sleeping in the clothes she came in and going out to breakfast like that the next day. You and her both do the dishes depending on who cooked, etc.

While this is a good transition to the attachment phase, I also want to make sure I don't make the mistake I made in past relationships: too much arguing (let little things go), still doing date nights periodically rather than taking each other for granted and pulling away once in a while for a few days. What are some other things I can do to keep the spark and mystery?

To an extent, the honeymoon phase can never be regained, you're familiar now, the chase is gone with each other. But surely that spark can be kept alive.

We're taking a trip together out of state on vacation, first time we will spend 5 days together in a row, it'll be like living together and seeing all the mundane aspects of our relationship....laundry...errands...etc.

 

[joesbigship]

Hate to break the news to ya, but you aren't married to this girl, and you are not going on a honeymoon.

Based upon your previous very lengthy posts, there is a big SMV (looks) mismatch which can only mean one thing: she is using you for your money or at least angling to.

I don't like saying this but I believe in giving you fair warning: she is looking to loot you for every dollar you've got. Hang on to your wallet. Think with the big head rather than the little head. You're being set up either for a big emotional and/or financial fall.

 

[jnMissouri]

Hate to break the news to ya, but you aren't married to this girl, and you are not going on a honeymoon.

Based upon your previous very lengthy posts, there is a big SMV (looks) mismatch which can only mean one thing: she is using you for your money or at least angling to.

I don't like saying this but I believe in giving you fair warning: she is looking to loot you for every dollar you've got. Hang on to your wallet. Think with the big head rather than the little head. You're being set up either for a big emotional and/or financial fall.

No idea where you get that idea, she has more money than me, lol. And she had a guy with a private jet chasing her when we first started dating. Oh I see you're new....

 

[Willie Naylor]

Wish you two nothing but the best.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Missouri,
Whatever you do.like Willie I wish you well...To answer your Question "How to keep the Spark and Mystery alive?"...From long experience based on my own Disasters,Debacles and observation of that inevitable Rite of Passage that draws so many others down the same Road...I would remember Mothers words,"Familiarity breeds contempt"and "Look before you leap".....Don't be rushed into anything,don't Marry unless you want Kids,Always keep several days a week free and most important,however ugly she may be keep an option B for the inevitable denial of favours they all utilise,to bludgeon you into subnission.

 

[rjc149]

The lust spark cannot be kept alive. It fades. 3-6 months.

What you are now building is an emotional bond. That will be the glue of your relationship, not the flood of dopamine and oxytocin when a relationship is new and exciting and makes you feel like your high on blow.

As I mentioned in your previous lengthy and concerned post about this girl, you need to strike a balance between emotional availability and vulnerability, and some degree of detachment. As the man, you have to be there for her, but you cannot need her to be there for you. You need to have options yourself, or core internal belief that you can quickly cultivate options if things go south.

You must accept that most relationships have a beginning and an end. They run their course. With highly desirable women, this tends to happen sooner. They rarely remain committed to a single man for their entire lives, instead tending to be serial monogamists, moving on quickly to the greener grass. No amount of “inner game” will prevent this forever. Inner game will allow you to accept this with grace, and move on to greener grass yourself.

 

[SW15]

You must accept that most relationships have a beginning and an end. They run their course. With highly desirable women, this tends to happen sooner. They rarely remain committed to a single man for their entire lives, instead tending to be serial monogamists, moving on quickly to the greener grass. No amount of “inner game” will prevent this forever. Inner game will allow you to accept this with grace, and move on to greener grass yourself.

Inner and outer game can slow the fade and extend the life of the relationship. In the last 5 years or so, I've become a big believer in the notion of romantic relational transience. Using some game tactics is better than being a typical beta male.

 

[jnMissouri]

The lust spark cannot be kept alive. It fades. 3-6 months.

What you are now building is an emotional bond. That will be the glue of your relationship, not the flood of dopamine and oxytocin when a relationship is new and exciting and makes you feel like your high on blow.

As I mentioned in your previous lengthy and concerned post about this girl, you need to strike a balance between emotional availability and vulnerability, and some degree of detachment. As the man, you have to be there for her, but you cannot need her to be there for you. You need to have options yourself, or core internal belief that you can quickly cultivate options if things go south.

You must accept that most relationships have a beginning and an end. They run their course. With highly desirable women, this tends to happen sooner. They rarely remain committed to a single man for their entire lives, instead tending to be serial monogamists, moving on quickly to the greener grass. No amount of “inner game” will prevent this forever. Inner game will allow you to accept this with grace, and move on to greener grass yourself.

Now THIS is a quality post. I've already told her nothing lasts forever, I've been in relationships that lasted 3 months or 10 years, with most being 2-3 years. She has been in relationships three times before as well and she understands this, though we talk about "forever".

Anyways, you are correct, I shouldn't be worried about the spark, we are building an emotional bond now. The oxytocin and dopamine as well as other chemicals will still be there from sex, holding hands, cuddling, etc. but there's an element of comfort now that is nice. When I'm at her place, I don't have to feel like I need to wait for someone to serve me food, I can open the fridge, etc. We are taking a trip together soon and this should be a bonding experience, flying there together, adventuring together, etc.

As far as moving on, I usually have a date the week of a breakup or the next, with steady dates 2-3 times a week and a gf within 1 to 3 months so I have a natural abundance mentality in that if it doesn't work out, I just remind myself it's a process and I'll find another steady gf with some fun sex along the way.

That said, this girl and I have EVERYTHING in common, we connect. There is substance to our relationship, not just a couple of hot people hooking up, she is well off, so am I, we have investments and together we can really build on those investments.

Your point about emotional vulnerability is spot on and the balance of it. She has told me she feels connected when men display their emotions, it's how she connects. She even told me when she came over something was different, she felt more connected to me. It had to do with something we talked about apparently, I shared a bit with her. She likes vulnerability (balanced of course....). Hence why she keeps trying to get me to tell her I love her first. But I am not sure that I do yet and even if I do, I'm used to the girl saying it first.

 

[rjc149]

Inner and outer game can slow the fade and extend the life of the relationship. In the last 5 years or so, I've become a big believer in the notion of romantic relational transience. Using some game tactics is better than being a typical beta male.

The question depends on which "tactics" you are using, how you use them, whether or not it defines your mode of interaction with her, and the individual girl.

Continuing to be deliberately mysterious, indifferent, and aloof in order to manipulate a chase dynamic and keep her attracted to you will only last so long. After the attraction/courtship phase, women will expect -- demand -- a closer, warmer, more "beta" mode of interaction. Women don't keep chasing alphas. They don't remain in harems. They will never remain in relationships with butthurt red pillers that complain about women on this forum and offer "go spin another plate" as the one-size-fits-all solution to relationship issues.

Maintaining an attractive alpha frame in an LTR simply means enforcing boundaries, being able to say 'no' and advocate your own interests, not reacting to her emotional outbursts but responding to them calmly, calling out disrespectful behavior forcefully and immediately, and having the willingness to walk away for good. It doesn't mean not giving a fvck about her feelings and shutting her down when she gets emotional. It doesn't mean rubbing your abundance in her face. It doesn't mean being a dictator in the relationship.

You have to revert to a beta frame sometimes to keep her emotional needs met. You need to listen to her. You need to continue courting and dating her. You need to share yourself and be vulnerable -- which requires you to be secure with yourself. You need to communicate in her love language. This is not the same as being emotionally weak or reliant.

Principles of game that must be maintained are being flirty, playfully non-compliant, spontaneous, charming, and warm -- being a challenge, but never unattainable.

 

[joesbigship]

This level of over-analysis is what happens when christian culture breaks down and no one knows wtf is going on or how to behave and have to try to reinvent the wheel all over again.

 

[2Rocky]

 

[Atom Smasher]

Don’t even think for a second that you can know who she really is until you’ve been with her for one year. At the one year mark you both realize how crazy the other is, and you make the decision to press on or not. For me it’s always been one year on the nose.
Basically at that point the illusions lessen and the reality sets in. A few months in is where illusion abounds. Nothing wrong with proceeding with hope but also with caution. You’ve got to hit that one year mark in order to even begin to know who she really is deep down.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hey Missourie,
So "how do you keep the spark and mystery as you go from honeymoon phase to comfy phase in relationship" What are you like at nailing Jello to the ceiling?

 

[jimwho]

Your going to be with her for five straight days. That's like being in a Kayak for two and you both have an oar.
This is a huge make or break trip. I truly wish you luck.

 

[devilkingx2]

Never stop doing things you haven't done before, never stop going places you haven't gone before. If you ever run out do some research/expand your horizons.

There's always going to be things you haven't tried, places you haven't gone, locations/situations/positions you haven't had sex in yet.

But you must also accept that most relationships are to some extent boring and routine by their very nature. Settling down is the opposite of constant thrill and excitement.

We're taking a trip together out of state on vacation, first time we will spend 5 days together in a row, it'll be like living together and seeing all the mundane aspects of our relationship....laundry...errands...etc.

Laundry and errands can be put off for 5 days. I'd recommend 5 days of beaches, casinos, strip clubs, etc.

 

[Zimbabwe]

Don't get complacent and make sure that you still have a life outside of your wife. The thing that works for my father is he always goes put to hang out with his friends separately from my mother.

A lot of other guys neglect their friends and spend 24/7 with their wife. They have no life outside of the marriage.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

A very wise happily married old man once told me this:

Never stop dating your spouse. You met and for three months did lots of fun things together. Keep repeating that first 3 months….”

He was married almost 60 years when he shared that with a gleam in his eye about his wife.

Cheers