Just Initiated Break Up:Hindsight question

[slickaz]

Ok
So Logical Player has been telling me about how its much better to be with numerous women and not just one. However I took the step towards TRYING to be with one. My test result has come back negative.

Its not that she wasnt worth it, or bad. Its just im not ready to get that serious in regards to trust and giving someone else the power to hurt me deeply.

Background:
She specifically asked me to be back in the country with her in 7 days.
When I told her i may not be able to, she begged and said she really has something wonderful planned and wants to do it for me at her apartment.
Because she asked that way, i said ok, and moved my flight forward to be back here in 7days.


Story:
Im in Geneva for work.
She asks me to call her stat. I do thinking something major happened.

Her sister forgot to pick her up from a friends place, and she was stuck there for 3 hours. But while she was there she bumped into an old guy friend.
This guy friend happens to have tickets to a Rave thing, guess when?
You guessed it. ON THE DAY SHE ASKED FOR ME TO BE BACK.

So she asks me to call, and has the audacity to ask me if its ok if she can go with this guy, to this rave instead of that plan.but still wants me to fly in. except just go straight to my place and sleep. while she's out parting. Just 2 days ago, she BEGGED me to come back home on that same day.

So i asked her, what about that plan?
"We can do it the next day right?"
me: No, you dont get a Next day, that is only reserved for girls who respect me.
her: What does that mean? Why is this such a big deal?
me: Its a big deal, because you begged me to come back, i sped up my work schedule to be back home for this big plan of yours, and clearly you're not worth it because you break you're word. The bottom line is i dont have respect for ppl who dont respect me, because if you respected me, firstly you'd keep your word and secondly you wouldnt tell you're "boyfriend" you wanna go spend time with another guy on the day you're boyfriend flies back after a week away, n if i cant respect you then you're not worth my time. good bye.dialtone.

she rung me 12+ times and left voicemail, has text me numerous times with texts tones ranging from, very angry, trying to hurt me, to pleading and apologetic texts asking me to answer her call. I have put my phone aside.

in hindsight, did i do right? i dunno.you tell me..
do i feel good? Yes
do i know why i feel good? No.I dont.
do i want to go out and get some new pu55y? absomuthafuknlutely!

 

[amoka]

I like the way you handled it. You gonna like the way you feel, I guarantee it.

 

[jophil28]

in hindsight, did i do right? i dunno.you tell me..

You're feeling "good" about cutting this h0 out, right ?
That good feeling is your answer to your question. You don't need to ask us...your inner guidance system is telling you already.

Well handled!

 

[slickaz]

is it bad that i want to go back home on that very night, call up her best friend and fvk her senseless. Then watch the fireworks unfold? I dont think so!

Im slightly worried however, I was at work when this happened and a colleague who has traveled with me, overheard my conversation and asked if i was ok. I told him, primarily because i already know he heard the whole conversation so no point hiding it.
He asked me how i seemed so unmoved by this. He also mentioned that i seemed almost desensitized to break ups and the emotional rollercoaster ride that break ups bring.

Good point i thought, so i looked at it, I can sincerely say that i am the least bit moved or upset. I am disappointed in that I feel like i wasted 3 months of other pu55y. Even went as far as to calculate my opportunity cost, if i dated 1 new chic a week minimum and continued laying my 3 plates from before my relationship. I wouldve had sex, good sex mind you, atleast 48 times. Thats a conservative count.

But just the fact that i took an opportunity cost on a woman and a relationship...wow! i truly am desensitized to the tail ends of relationships.
But i still feel AMAZING!
i feel like you do after you've finished working out, Like ur glad its over but you know it was SO worth it.

 

[Mr. Me]

Logical Player has been telling me about how its much better to be with numerous women and not just one

His take, and I kind of agree with it, is that it appears to him that guys posting their relationship woes here are mostly guys who got into relationships with either the wrong girl, too soon, too fast, or they don't know how to navigate relationships, so until they do and/or figure out how to make better choices, he advises to stay out.

Your choice of woman was poor. She's the gal that places her male friends above you. Then when you stand firm, she apologies profusely and tells you how much she loves you... and if you recall your previous thread about her, I mentioned this would be a pattern, and here you are stating it happened yet again.

The bottom line this time was that you altered your plans based on her schedule, which may have been okay to do in light of that there was a specific concert to attend, but she didn't keep the plans, bailing out for another guy. She's out and good riddance.

I'm currently dating a girl, she has a lot of male friends. On top of that, she's brokering a deal and one of the guys she's doing business with is coming into town. he's met her before, and though her part in this deal is over and done, he wants to meet her again and asked her to come to the hotel he'll be staying at, and she couldn't figure out why and mentioned it to me.

My guess was, she's very attractive, great figure, he wants to hit her up. Here's the thing I want to point out: I gave her the message, covertly, of how I think a woman who really respects a guy doesn't get herself into predicaments, doesn't put herself before the relationship. I illustrated that point by reciting two life experiences, one where the woman does put herself into those sitches, one where the woman doesn't, just like I'm nonchalantly telling some anecdotes.

She emailed me later that she arranged to have another friend accompany her to the hotel, just in case. She got the message.

What I get from that, is that she not only wishes to not find herself in an uncomfortable sitch if that's what it turns out to be about, but wishes to show me that she respects me. This is being taken care of up front, before we're possibly in a relationship, not afterwards. And love is based on respect, so by her doing this, she's also helping to set a decent foundation for love should that develop down the road.

If she had answered, "Don't be silly, he's harmless. Besides, I met him before I met you" or some such answer, that would be a flag that she doesn't care as much about me, true?

 

[DJDamage]

Some would say you failed Part I of this two stage sh1t test by changing your work schedule to return early for her. Even if you had complete latitude and discretion to return early... There is a power play in this mix - Whether her sh1t testing was intentional or unintentional I guess is besides the point because that's how subtle it can be.

Also, if you are worried about a changed impression from colleagues that is not positive for you either (I was thinking along these lines before you posted the follow up). I would do everything possible to keep my private life private in a professional environment where my standing could be impacted negatively from competing colleagues, managers, etc.

Here's the thing I want to point out: I gave her the message, covertly, of how I think a woman who really respects a guy doesn't get herself into predicaments, doesn't put herself before the relationship. I illustrated that point by reciting two life experiences, one where the woman does put herself into those sitches, one where the woman doesn't, just like I'm nonchalantly telling some anecdotes.

I agree with those two above.

When you verbalise directly on your woman's bad behaviour, it doesn't tend to have the same effect as verbalising it covertly.

Check out Rollo's post's on communicating with women covertly.

Also your gf sounds very immature to pressure you to change your work schedule for her as if its no big deal and then once you do so, she changes her plans with the snap of a finger without understanding the great sacrifice you just took to be with her.

 

[Interceptor]

Slick, I do believe she made a very poor decision, and you have to act on your own best interests.
She made a very bad judgement, and you did the best with what you have to work with now. I believe you made the right decision , especially in explaining to her how disrespectful her choice was to you, especially when you made an effort to work things out and accomodate her.


I am a little puzzled at how desensitized you are, and detached.

( None of us were there to witness the unfolding of your relationship. So we cant accurately assume if she was 'worth' it or not. However, with her recent bad judgement, no one can blame you for ending things with her. I sure dont)

While this is not bad in a sense when you are in control of your emotions, in this case I firmly believe you did not love her, and made every effort to not attach yourself too much and be truly bonded and 'in love' with her as it were. So of course, since you never appeared to value her (outside of sex, cooking, an cleaning) , losing her is no biggie.
So yeah, you're not phased by it, since you really werent invested into her.From your words this appeared to have just been an experiment, not a relationship.
IMO this needs further reflection, Slick.


Please think about reviewing what it is you really want.
And please think about what it means to recognize, and admit that you need and deserve Love. And it is OK.
Dont allow yourself to believe it is unmanly or weak to want to be in love, to be loved, and in an LTR.
I have seen many men want to put down those things, and shame other men into not benefiting from LTRs, and love, because they are desperate, and envious people. I dont think it benefits us to follow the advice of people who have that kind of life outlook, and ultimately DO NOT have OUR best interests at heart.
And if you do not want those things, then make sure you are deciding that for your life based on the BEST possible reasons.

There are many many things going on here, Slick.

Many men just go on without reviewing their past experience and mine them for insight and for self improvement.

I dont want this to come out like you NEED to be in an LTR, Slick.Or you are a 'bad' person or anything like that.
Not at all.
I would prefer that you get really clear about what you want, BUT....

With ACCURATE Thinking.
With correct beliefs and the most beneficial perspective for YOU.
Empowered beliefs.

Not ones built out of fear, apathy, resentment, etc...

Be fully congruent with YOUR Values. Our feelings are not to be toyed with, nor are we to allow to be disrespected just because she's a woman, or we love her, etc..


As men one of the KEY things that lets us be our most masculine Best is AWARENESS.

Awareness of ourselves.
Of the other person/s.
Of the environment.

Please take the time to build positive and beneficial perspectives, and insights out of this circumstance that you experienced.


Good luck, and I wish you the best.
Find put what you want, and go and get it.
Let me know if you want to discuss this further.

 

[Jeffst1980]

When you verbalise directly on your woman's bad behaviour, it doesn't tend to have the same effect as verbalising it covertly.

Right. Otherwise, you run the risk of getting compliance but planting seeds of resentment in the process. Done covertly, as in Mr. Me's example, it gives the girl a sense of freedom of choice, which is important for maintaining a positive relationship. Of course, if she chooses wrong, you break up with her.

When in comes to actions I consider seriously disrespectful, I don't EVER give ultimatums i.e. don't do this or I will break up with you. I say things like, "If you do this, it will make me unhappy." The onus is on her to make me happy, and she knows this. If she makes the right choice, I reward her with positive attention. If not, I break up with her. I have read girls the riot act before, in moments of weakness (nobody's perfect!), but it's never as effectively as when you remain calm and refuse to allow her to get you riled up. Staying calm in a situation like this is extremely high value behavior.

She should always feel pressure to "do the right thing," but the moment you verbalize the fact that she is replaceable, you destroy the illusion of an unconditionally loving relationship. Yes, it is only an illusion, as romantic love is ALWAYS conditional to some degree, but it serves to perpetuate the good feelings in a relationship. It's important to internalize all the rules of engagement we talk about here, and then never acknowledge them to her.

Slickaz--all that aside, you did the right thing! You've just saved yourself months or even years of time that would have been wasted on a woman that doesn't value you as she should. Some guys would say, "demote her to a F-Buddy," but it really doesn't work that way. You can not go backwards in a relationship, and it's unnecessary when there are so many other women in the world. Cut her out and within a week you'll have a new girl on the hook.

I do somewhat agree with Interceptor about the detachment you felt-but I attribute it to growing pains. You're learning how to filter girls for LTRs, and if that means you have to go in the opposite direction of oneitis for awhile, so be it. Just be conscious that it's OK to feel bad about a breakup, and a life spent in complete emotional neutrality would be a bit boring. The goal is not to control our emotions, only our RESPONSE to them.

 

[decades]

in Mr. Me's example, I believe she knew exactly why she was being invited to the hotel. I believe she knew exactly what she was doing in mentioning it to him.

 

[Jitterbug]

She emailed me later that she arranged to have another friend accompany her to the hotel, just in case. She got the message.

What, you mean it's gonna be a threesome for that lucky bastard?

slickaz, you did right. Few guys would be man enough to put their foot down and say enough of this BS drama.

I did an experimental LTR before and after I dumped her, I also felt that "good" feeling, although I did feel sorry for her coz I know she'd never find anyone better.

Now you can sit back & watch her desperately trying to win you back...

 

[piranha45]

in Mr. Me's example, I believe she knew exactly why she was being invited to the hotel. I believe she knew exactly what she was doing in mentioning it to him.

I am inclined to agree.

 

[The Logical Player]

I wonder why men feel the need to experiment with putting up with a LTR when they already know what the outcome will be

 

[slickaz]

Heres the thing,

She had pro's and she had con's, but obviously her con's outweighed her pro's.
So i dropped her. Going into detail is probably no point, seeing as her number and facebook been deleted already.

Interceptor: I understand you're view, and I guess the reason i dont feel very affected by this, is that i havent really been going out with her for that long, its been just over 3 months. Luckily this happened.
I do hope that one day i meet a girl thats worth my time and effort and respect.

She has rung me a total of 62 times, half that number in voice messages.
I havent replied at all. The calls and texts have stopped as of mid day today.

Which is good, however, her two best friends (both girls) have hit me up asking how things are with me and when im flying back.
One of girlfriends mentioned to me a week ago that she's so jealous that my girl has me and wishes she had me to herself. Clearly that's too easy a lay.

Im not looking to ruin her life anymore, as a gentleman i think ive left a lasting dent on her enough by flat lining her self esteem. I dont want to go back and screw her best friends.

and yes i still feel great. Ive never had a problem with putting women where they need to be, so no different.

However, im hoping to stay out of LTRs for a while. But i also dont enjoy this constant jump from pu55y to pu55y. So i think im going to find me 3 new plates again, and rotate.

 

[Tazman]

I wonder why men feel the need to experiment with putting up with a LTR when they already know what the outcome will be

I think it's generally the same reason men get married, we tend to want a "sure" thing.

 

[Interceptor]

Well, the way I see it is NOTHING is really a 'sure thing'.
And Im not bothered by it at all.
This doesn mean I dont LIKE cerainty or security, Hell no, of course I do.
BUT...I tend to concentrate on being my OWN resource, and try to enjoy the
external stuff though it can be temporary sometimes.
And to tell you the truth, since nothing is really a sure thing, what I think we should all experiment with investigating is how we DEAL with that...
How do we get through life knowing that there are very few if any sure things??

If thats the case, then why get a job? Or go to school? Pursue a career? Buy a home? etc....

Why do anything in life?
if we know that everything is 'temporary'?


I dont think that retreating, and using avoidance techniques are our answer to things like this, emotional pain, breakups, divorce, loss of these types of things....

Life is just too damn hard for us to just say "Fvck it. Im out."
We try to subscribe to the advice that "Dont wish it was easier, wish you were BETTER." but the truth is a lot of us just dont want to put the effort into it.
But I think not only are we doing ourselves a disservice, we're just kind of quitting on ourselves and Life experiences.

You know, I try to explain the difference between having Experience and having EXPERTISE. And I will tell you one thing, you cant have Expertise if you havent EXPERIENCED Life, brothers.
You can read a sh*tload of books and stuff, but you will not have that kind of skill that comes from exposing yourself to Life circumstances and gaining the skills and knowledge, and Wisdom to have expertise in Life.

I have seen time and time again, men who check out and DONT want to put themselves out there, and Im telling you, it is BAD. It will kill your psyche and begin a compulsion to avoid Life. Again, going back to avoidance techniques.

With regards to women, Id like you to take into account what many women complain about men, in various forms...

They complain about men who DONT LIVE UP TO THEIR POTENTIAL.

("True happiness is exploring and developing one's Talents.")


in other words, knowing that we can all be Men of Action, true Warriors of life, and we fvcking dont do it...

WHY???!

we have to think about it, you know?

Why are you choosing "no" and not "yes"??
I think about that all the time now. And I believe for everyone's sake, we should all look at life that way too. What is driving us? Fear or a "Damn the torpedoes, Im going in anyway!!!!"

I dont want to live my life navigating with Fear as my internal direction and compass. Thats the choice I feel I had to make.
And believe me, there are so many things that come up in my life that I HAVE to make snap decisions sometimes, and it just doesnt pay to check out and not deal with it, or procrastinate, etc...
Avoidance is something that I feel I personally want to eliminate from my consicousness, as it were. I dont want fear to drive me, it will drive me away from life, and thus, opportunities, and thus, excelling at life and living up to my full potential, not someone else's expectations of me, but what I WANT.




It IS serious. It is a heavy subject. Im not delusional telling you it's easy, and wont take time getting used to. But I will tell you there is such a much bigger likelihood that you ARE going to be very VERY dissatisfied with your life when you check out, follow the herd mentality, have scarcity mentality, and get into that vicious cycle of Avoidance.

Women are not that tough that we crumble at the sight of one.
We cannot be so fvcking afraid of a break up or something that we deny ourselves our RIGHT to Love and BE LOVED. This is no joke.
And the way we talk about it here lets you know we dont take this lightly, not at all.
Having our heart 'broken' is no fun. To say the least, bro.
But let me tell you , being an empty shell,checking out and in essence running away from life is simply NOT The way to be that "Superior Man" we all want to BE.
How can it?
It simply cannot.

We HAVE to build the life skills, and self management, and as heterosexual men, we HAVE to have skills with women. I mean we cant be afraid of women hurting us, you know?
I think this really needs to get through to all of us.

("To think that these men face danger , cannon, an weapons firing at them, and freezing weather, and they tremble at the sight of a skirt.")


What I want is that men here USE this forum to open up their MINDS, and thus, their potential , thus being able to take advantage of OPPORTUNITIES.
Dont use wisdom and knowledge to box yourself up, and eliminate life opportunities is all Im saying.


Good luck to all the Men on here. I hope we make the best decisions we can.
And live the best life that we can, not one we merely settled for....

 

[slickaz]

What I want is that men here USE this forum to open up their MINDS, and thus, their potential , thus being able to take advantage of OPPORTUNITIES.
Dont use wisdom and knowledge to box yourself up, and eliminate life opportunities is all Im saying.

Nicely said bro.

I appreciate it.
I still believe I will be loved and cared for one day by the right woman.
The woman that fits what i need perfectly.
Until i find her however, im going to focus on me and get successful with my objectives.
I dont think im scared of relationships or women, yes there is a fear of "Will she cheat on me, coz i see it all the time on SS" but im not going to live my life based on that.

I guess its a risk we got to take, just like the girls take risks with us. I mean no matter what we say it is a risk from their side too. I read somewhere here that girls dont just change the way they are, they change because WE change the way we are through the journey of the relationship. So i guess its partly the guys fault also.
But! If the guy has NOT changed, and the girl displays crazy ideas like in this girl's case. Then the guy should exit right?

Anyway i do understand that life shouldnt be run on the its too scary so i wont live it mentality, ive never lived my life that way. How i live it is, I have short term and long term goals, I want to reach there, in the meantime i have physical needs e.g, sex, communication with the opposite sex, friends etc.
And this is where women have played a role. But i know eventually I will meet a girl that fits close to my ideal woman, she'll be the one I give up my "playboy" lifestyle for.