Just got dumped, what did I do wrong? How can I improve?

[Blackmesa]

Hello guys,

(TL;DR at end)

This is my first post. I got to SoSuave after several mentions to it on Rollo Tomassi's book, The Rational Male. I am reading a lot of SoSuave lately and sites like therationalmale and heartiste. My ex-gf dumped me 5 days ago. I've been an AFC all my life and rather not be anymore, that's why I'd ask for you guys help to know what I did wrong, and what I could do best.

A little about me: I am 23 years old, slightly overweight but good-looking, just graduated and got a job at Google as software engineer. Not much experienced with woman on practice, this is my second LTR and I lost virginity with her.

She is 20 years old. The LTR lasted 3 months and 5 days. Until 2 months mark, everything was perfect. We had a great sex life, enjoyed talking and spending time together. I was applying a lot of the things I've read about having an alpha mindset, and it was working pretty well, he often described me as "Mysterious, confident and intelligent man".

Then she saw a poem a friend of mine did to me seven years ago. The poem was joking about my breasts (Because I have gynecomastia) with a refined erotic humor. It was just a joke. She thought the poem was a declaration of love and started to wonder I was bisexual and had/have/wanted-to-have something with him. She first brought this thought to me by trying to break up, a month ago. This was a turning point from what I've been doing so far: we talked and we both cried together and decided to give a try. (Now I see crying was utterly pathetic, I regressed to my inner AFC I hadn't killed yet)

The last month was a hell, and we just fought over her distorted thought I was bisexual. It was mind-bogging to me because I have no homosexual inclination whatsoever, so I was constantly trying to fix the situation because I knew it was only paranoia from her and we could go back to as we were before. But I've lost most my alpha attitude towards her, and was constantly worried and trying to fix the situation while she gained more and more control over me and the relationship.

Some days she would say she loved me dearly, and send me big text messages declaring her love to me, other days she would rain and thunder all around me. Near the end, she gave me a love card on a Thursday night, saying how much she loved me. On the Friday morning, she almost broke out with me. On the Saturday she did break out, saying that cliche garbage of "I only see you as friend know". Since then I am in NC.

Her emotions changed as she changed clothing, and whether or not she was lying when she said she doesn't have romantic feelings anymore, it was all caused by this gigantic paranoia she created on her head. I don't suspect it was anything else, she was living in hell too, she was constantly crying and lost about 6 kg (13 pounds) the last month.

This was my second relationship, and I lost my virginity with her. My first relationship was with a borderline girl and it lasted a couple years and we didn't have sex (which is another story I may tell later). I am sad mostly because everything was doing so well and then everything collapsed for a reason that did not exist in reality, just on her head. Her reaction to the poem and the thoughts she developed are unproportional to reality, I wonder if she had some traumatic experience regarding sexuality on the past, maybe an ex-bf of hers left her for another guy or something like that.

My self criticism so far is: I should have reacted boldly when she told she thought I was bisexual, should have told her she was out of her mind and break up with her myself because she offended my integrity calling me something I am not and for the stupidest of the reasons.

I thank you guys in advance for any helpful tip. I am sure there are lot of things I can improve, and I am willing to do my best to overcome them and kill my inner AFC while nurturing my rising alpha.

Thank you guys for reading so far!

TL;DR: LTR was great on first couple months and I maintained a fairly decent alpha mindset. She saw an erotic poem a friend did to me 7 years ago as a joke. She thought me and this friend have/had feelings for each other and that I am bisexual. I am not bisexual and spent the last month fighting with her over this. This became a paranoia on her head and the relationship crumbled slowly. She tried to break up several times because of this, and ended breaking up with that cliche "I only see you as friend now" crap. It saddens me deeply to see the LTR end for this absurd reason.

Regards,

Blackmesa

 

[RedScorpion]

Sounds like you have a pretty accurate self reflection, for the most part. I will say though, this does not seem like it's your fault. I will repeat that for emphasis. Not your fault.

I don't know what the conversation was like when she found the poem, but I'm sure a form of explanation was given to her about the situation. Her choices from there were to accept it (Oh, alright), think it was stupid weird guy humor (accept it), or be 'bleh' and move on/break up. Or review it, see if there's anything else supporting it (if it's that big a deal). However, she did none of those things. She created this notion of you being bisexual, and then dragged it on and on and on, through the mud, over hills, mountains and seas, while crying the whole time. The key in this matter to understand, is that her motions were not concerted at all - as you say, she said she loved you, then cry about breaking up, then love you again, etc. Erratic beyond normal. Losing weight too - 13 pounds? That's very weird. I must say, that she may be another BPD type.

For your errors - you've identified them. The crying - bad. You should have broke with her at her first suggestion of doing so. I know it's hard to go through it - but remember, that that line of thinking has been established in her head, enough so for her to verbalize it. She's looking at it as a solution, which means you should punch it so it doesn't have time to manifest as a convinced solution. She will extrapolate the rest of the relationship 'under her best efforts *bull**** efforts*', which is telling you she loves you - and then boohoos as it doesn't gain her what she desires immediately, warm glowy feelings (which are impossible for her at this stage). All this time you're unsure because she's acting like a bat trapped in a cage, bouncing from side to side. After the time passes, the break up is the beacon of light, because she 'exhausted' her options. Even though she made the whole disaster. The oddities for her are the extreme of reactions, and the weight loss. Weight loss means she's not eating right, which means this situation she made for herself has debilitated her. Self-destruction out of something stupid. I know self-destructive behavior (from myself) - that in her, is a horrid, uncontrolled version.

"I should have reacted boldly when she told she thought I was bisexual" - Yes, I believe a strong 'wtf no' would be warranted, and desired.

"Should have told her she was out of her mind and break up with her myself because she offended my integrity calling me something I am not and for the stupidest of the reasons." - I don't think calling her out of her mind would be productive in any manner. However, if she carried on and on - removing yourself from her (within 30 seconds of the 'discussion' she is persisting) and walk away. Give her time regretting her actions. If she mentioned break up, say 'Great idea, bye', and leave her to stew, knowing no matter what rational is flowing her, she caused the situation and breakup.

You did make some mistakes, but you know what they are. She made the catalyst and explosives in this bomb. All that happened is she asked for some fire, you gave it to her, and she went to self-destruct the rest. A normal person would handle fire normally, put it in the stove or whatever. But she took it and ran to that bomb. Best way to handle it is to walk away (run) before it explodes.

 

[Blackmesa]

@RedScorpion: Thank you very much for your reply! I am relieved that you think it wasn't my fault. Indeed, I tried my best to fix the situation, and gave her a very concise explanation why she was wrong, and all she had was just this poem, nothing else. I am glad I made correct observations on what I did wrong, I just need more boldness to actively apply the correct alpha attitudes I believe are correct.

You've made a very detailed analysis of the situation, I should have detected this destructive pattern on her, and jumped off when I saw it getting out of control. She lighted the sticks on fire, and I tried to stop the fire by messing with them, this just made things worse. When she first confronted me, everything else was fine, except for this toxic thought she developed. If I had broke out with her that moment, she might have regret her decision and we could have worked things out on my terms. But I succumbed to her terms and since we only had time to fight afterwards, everything good about the LTR started to fade away and the end was inevitable.

Maybe I could have done things to save the LTR, but I think this girl might create more trouble in the future with this kind of personality.

Do you think she might come back looking for me? I said her I didn't want to be friends and started NC after the phone call. If she does come back, what should I do?

I am not doing good these days, and sadly still think a lot about her. I think it is mostly because she was the only girl I've been with, sexually. Do break-ups get any easier in the future when I am more experienced? I can't help it but suffer a lot. I am trying to read the most I can on SoSuave to gain more knowledge to cope with this and to better handle girls on the future.

Thank you RedScorpion for your feedback, it was much appreciated, and made me few a lot better!

Regards,

Blackmesa

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Welcome to the forums, guy!

First off: click on the link in my signature. 156 podcast and counting will help you get started on the path to STOP LOSING WOMEN. And they're free, too!

Secondly: it sounds to me like you fell for the old okie-doke excuse for the breakup, when in reality it was what she used to mask the fact that her feelings had already started fading for you BEFORE she saw the poem. Rarely will a girl just go from having 100% interest in you to having ONE thing happen or seeing ONE questionable thing that instantly drops it down. You may THINK those first two months were absolutely perfect, but really, REALLY take time to analyze your actions and the things you were doing. For example:

*Were you calling/texting her every single day?
*Were you verbalizing your feelings, telling her things like "I love you" and "you're just so special to me?"
*Did you make her the girlfriend within the first 3 months of meeting her?
*Were you ever overly-emotional?
*Did you cave in at times when she requested certain things of you or certain hang out times when you didn't really want to do it?
*Did you try to see her or take her out on dates more than twice a week?
*When you met up with her, how long were your visits? Were they more than 3 to 5 hours?
*Did you talk about her ex-boyfriends/your ex-girlfriends?
*Did you make mention of future plans with her in any capacity (i.e. "I could see us together for a long time" or "I can't wait for you to meet my parents?"
*Did you guys meet each others' friends/family?

If you did any of this stuff within the first 3 months, I got news for you: YOU WERE DOOMING YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

Also, most girls under the age of 23 are still finding themselves, so it's not uncommon for them to be wishy-washy in who they decide to date and/or stay with. Regardless, go back and really look at all your behaviors and see what you were doing prior to her seeing the poem. (I'm also curious as to how she saw it in the first place - did you show it to her? Did she snoop around and find it?) Again, the poem/bi-sexual thing is the reason she's giving you for the break-up, but it's not the real reason. And in reality, it doesn't matter what the REAL reason is - all that matters is she's lost interest, and there's no sense in waiting for her to ask you out again or trying to chase after her. Learn, feel the pain, then move on to the next!

 

[RedScorpion]

I think Harry has some good advice, definitely worth reflecting back on to see if there was those factors, with any subtle shifts on her part before the poem conversation.

No problem about the reply, glad it was helpful. I think it's good that you're willing to reflect and learn for yourself on what went wrong, and what to do for next time. Some people are very much in denial, only asking 'why? why?', and never able to grow from it. Some are lucky and are able to do many things without struggle - but they don't learn the skillset of taking defeat, and rising from it. And eventually there is always some kind of defeat. Kind of like this Rocky quote, hell, I like it so I'll post the whole thing.

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!"

For her coming back in contact - I think it's pretty much guaranteed. She'll seek the ego boost from you. I don't think it's wise to rekindle or have anything again with her. Despite the reasons behind her actions, whatever they may be - it was very frenetic and lopsided to one side or the other. That is the bottom, ground-layer of her personality (Judge a person not at their best, but at their worst). You can rely on that same wackiness in any future interaction (whether it's sooner or later - possibly more extreme since she knows you would now have a tolerance for it). You will want to convince yourself otherwise, looking at, feeling of the good times, like that's her true self. Well... you have to realize they are part of the same person.

Breaking up pains - They vary, depending on how connected/reliant you are. Some are whatever, some will strike you deep. In that sense, the pain will always be the same. But your pain management skills, and post-breakup knowledge/skills will allow you to recover faster with more self-respect and esteem, which will additionally help you recover. In that sense, the pain is less every time.

Read the NC thread - it's a great form of support, through other's stories. You can see what happens when NC is broken, and when it's not. Lots of good threads out there as well, talking about each aspect. It's good stuff.

 

[VladPatton]

It was probably something from weeks and weeks beforehand, like Harry said. Girls will use a situation and amplify it to make a disaster out of a misunderstanding just to nuke the relationship. Or she's a full-on wacky bıtch.

Either way, think of it as good riddance. Stay the NC route, never go back to her after this disgusting display of poor character she demonstrated, and most of all, just work on your own recovery.

I repeat, no matter what, DO NOT take her back or entertain the idea of atonement, or she will dominate your life beyond human comprehension. Think "tight leash around your nuts".

Good luck.

 

[GotED?]

Being an IT geek is your worst (no alpha trait) and best (financially successful) double edged sworded trait. We are Diablo in Sissy Mode with infinite saves and reloads, no beast mode here.

God knows it took me 35+ years to get rid of the negative side of it.

You will just need to read, learn, attempt, review, adapt, and try again until things starts to 'WORK' correctly as us IT nerds look at things in life - apply this to women.

Good luck

Exodus

 

[Blackmesa]

@Harry Wilmington:

Thank you for your feedback! You're right, although I adopted a much more alpha mindset with this girl than in my previous relationship (I was Mr Nice Guy before). I acknowledge it still had several flaws, and is important recognizing them because I can take proper action on changing them.

I will answer your questions:

*Were you calling/texting her every single day?

Yes, we've created an habit where I called her around 8PM, we usually talked about 30~60 min about things of the day. We didn't text much, and most text used to be sexting.

*Were you verbalizing your feelings, telling her things like "I love you" and "you're just so special to me?"

I used to say I loved her nearly much as she said to me. That changed a little after the poem, I used to say it way more than her.

*Did you make her the girlfriend within the first 3 months of meeting her?

Yes, in about three weeks.

*Were you ever overly-emotional?

Before the poem, no. I refrained as much as possible to give away my emotional world to her. But after the poem I became increasingly emotional.

*Did you cave in at times when she requested certain things of you or certain hang out times when you didn't really want to do it?

Before the poem, not much, I used to pick the dates and plan what we did. After the poem, I started to satisfy most of her whims and she started to disrespect me, and I did nothing.

*Did you try to see her or take her out on dates more than twice a week?

No. We saw each other during the week just once every two weeks. But we usually spent Saturday night and Sunday together, at my place or hers, we liked to stay home.

*When you met up with her, how long were your visits? Were they more than 3 to 5 hours?

Since our houses are not close, we usually met once a week, and spent about 36h together (counting sleep, which used to be about 20h of those 36h).

*Did you talk about her ex-boyfriends/your ex-girlfriends?

No never. There were almost no mention to previous relationships.

*Did you make mention of future plans with her in any capacity (i.e. "I could see us together for a long time" or "I can't wait for you to meet my parents?"

Before the poem, no. After the poem, yes, we talked more about it.

*Did you guys meet each others' friends/family?

Yes. She lives with her mom, and I slept at her house, so I interacted a lot with them. My family lives in another city, but she also met them once.

I agree and understand most of these things are bad for securing a relationship. Some of them I understand why, and how I can change, but some not, and I will ask you.

*Did you make her the girlfriend within the first 3 months of meeting her?
*Did you guys meet each others' friends/family?

What's the problem in these two? I don't quite understand.

About the poem, I showed her. I find it quite funny, thought she might feel the same. I also showed to my ex-gf before her, and she found it witty and funny, even asked to see more poetry from my friend, and didn't find anything out of ordinary from it.

Doing some reflection from what you said, I see I did some things wrong, others could have been done better. Although I am still learning the ways from DJ, I was very far from the AFC I was before, and she might be starting to lose some interest before, but the big bonfire was after the poem. I lost all respect and interest or her eyes, because like Pook said "that AFC disease rose up again in him", and I see myself as the young man on Lesson Fourteen.

Thank you Harry Wilmington, your insight is very enlightening! (By the way, there's no link for the podcasts on your signature, I'd love to hear those!)

@RedScorpion

You're right, I've always been in denial of change, until some recent moment, I had that mentality of "I will just be myself, and wait for a girl who loves me the way I am". I see that is not the best way to take life, and I've decided to change. I still see somethings which are very difficult to change, but I am doing my best to get there! That Rocky quote is awesome! Thanks for bringing it up, it's been a while I don't read it again.

As for her coming back, I think you are very accurate on your words. My rational self knows letting go is for the best, but to be honest, I am afraid, for real, that I might give in if she comes back after me. If she created this storm in a glass of water, I can't fathom what she might do.

I am in a terrible emotional state these days, and reading a lot this forum, gaining more knowledge and understanding what happened with you guys feedback, makes me feel better. I know I might feel grey for some weeks, but eventually I will get over this. I am posting on the NC thread and reading the advice from the guys there.

Thanks for the great advice once again RedScorpion!

@VladPatton

Thanks for the feedback Vlad! I think you are 100% right on not taking her back, and that's what my rational side truly think is best. I must confess however, I am afraid I might give in if she comes after me. And I want to change that as well, and develop enough power to withstand such a trial, if it ever comes. Do you have any tips on how to change this mentality? Your post is very motivating, I will take your advice to heart!

@GotED?

You're absolutely right, IT related interaction is not good when it comes attracting women. Although I expect to have a good career, I will have a hard time with women if I do not adapt. Hard truth you said there, but we can get over it! I wonder thou, how about geek girls? Don't they have some special interest in us?

Guys, I am really glad with all your advice. It is really helpful and accurate, it means a lot to me, and a feel a lot better. I am applying myself to learn as much as I can from you guys. I started reading the DJ Bible, and made it a 6 week reading challenge to me, hope to end the 234 articles before July.

Thank you!

Regards,

Blackmesa

 

[Maximus Rex]

Listen To These Podcasts

Thank you Harry Wilmington, your insight is very enlightening! (By the way, there's no link for the podcasts on your signature, I'd love to hear those!)

*Were you calling/texting her every single day?

Yes, we've created an habit where I called her around 8PM, we usually talked about 30~60 min about things of the day. We didn't text much, and most text used to be sexting.

http://www.stoplosingwomen.com/page/15/

Episode 15: Stop Being So Available + 5 Ways to Become Comfortable With It

http://www.stoplosingwomen.com/page/3/

Epsiode133: ADVANCE GAME – Training Her to NOT Hear Back From You Right Away

*Were you verbalizing your feelings, telling her things like "I love you" and "you're just so special to me?"[

I used to say I loved her nearly much as she said to me. That changed a little after the poem, I used to say it way more than her.

http://www.stoplosingwomen.com/page/16/

Episode 4: Stop Saying “I Love You” So Much

*Did you make her the girlfriend within the first 3 months of meeting her?

Yes, in about three weeks.

http://www.stoplosingwomen.com/page/13/

Episode 30: Stop Making Her The Girlfriend Too Soon

*Were you ever overly-emotional?

Before the poem, no. I refrained as much as possible to give away my emotional world to her. But after the poem I became increasingly emotional.

http://www.stoplosingwomen.com/page/13/

Episode 32: Stop Chasing Her-Let HER Chase YOU

http://www.stoplosingwomen.com/page/13/

Episode 33: Stop Appearing So Needy (Harry Answers a Listener’s Message)


http://www.stoplosingwomen.com/page/9/

Epsiode 71: Stop Being So Darn Emotional

*Did you cave in at times when she requested certain things of you or certain hang out times when you didn't really want to do it?

After the poem, I started to satisfy most of her whims and she started to disrespect me, and I did nothing.

http://www.stoplosingwomen.com/page/8/

Episode 82: Stop Reassuring Women That You Like Them

http://www.stoplosingwomen.com/page/7/

Episode 96: Stop Being Afraid She’ll Forget You

http://www.stoplosingwomen.com/page/7/

Episode 93: Stop Defending Yourself Against Her Accusations

No. We saw each other during the week just once every two weeks. But we usually spent Saturday night and Sunday together, at my place or hers, we liked to stay home.

Since our houses are not close, we usually met once a week, and spent about 36h together (counting sleep, which used to be about 20h of those 36h).

http://www.stoplosingwomen.com/page/4/

Episode 119: 8 Reasons Long Distance Relationships Suck Ass (And Aren’t Worth It)

*Did you make mention of future plans with her in any capacity (i.e. "I could see us together for a long time" or "I can't wait for you to meet my parents?"

Before the poem, no. After the poem, yes, we talked more about it.

http://www.stoplosingwomen.com/page/8/

Episode 85: Stop Talking Future-Speak With Dates

*Did you guys meet each others' friends/family?

What's the problem in these two? I don't quite understand.

Yes. She lives with her mom, and I slept at her house, so I interacted a lot with them. My family lives in another city, but she also met them once.

http://www.stoplosingwomen.com/page/15/

Episode 16: Stop Introducing Her to Your Friends So Soon

http://www.stoplosingwomen.com/page/10/

Episode 61: Stop Inviting Her to do Holiday Stuff

About the poem, I showed her. I find it quite funny, thought she might feel the same. I also showed to my ex-gf before her, and she found it witty and funny, even asked to see more poetry from my friend, and didn't find anything out of ordinary from it.

I know we live in a world where faggotry is accepted and is damn near par for the course in 2014 and babygirl used that poem as an excuse for something she probably had in mind for a few weeks, but really bruh showing her a homoerotic poem from your potna about his infatuation with his man titties? Really, dude? That :cuss: was sweet as hell. My suggest is to burn that gay ass poem or if for some reason it has sentimental value to you, put it some place safe and never show it to anybody EVER AGAIN IN LIFE. Also, since you're working at Google, do something about those man titties, that :cuss: ain't sexy potna.

@RedScorpion

You're right, I've always been in denial of change, until some recent moment, I had that mentality of "I will just be myself, and wait for a girl who loves me the way I am". I see that is not the best way to take life, and I've decided to change.

It isn't enough to "just be yourself," you have to be your BEST self.

If somebody work at a job for three months and five days, would you say they were on the job a long time? "No I wouldn't Rex." So explain to me, how does three months and five days constitute a "long term relationship"? when over the course of three months and five days, you saw in around six times? Hell I would dare to say that in order for a relationship to enter into the "long term," phase, you the couple would have to have been together at least for a year and half. Damn, cats have got to stop being so delusional and to be perfectly honest, this chick wasn't even your "girlfriend," she was your bed buddy.

 

[Blackmesa]

@Maximus Rex:
Thanks Maximus for all the links! It is awesome how there's a perfectly good explanation for why those behaviors do not elicit female approval. I really enjoyed the podcasts and I am listening to them regularly. I am happy to learn why I was wrong about that stuff.

Thanks for telling me hard truths Maximus, although the poem is just a joke, you're right it was not wise showing it to a girl, I will not do this mistake again. And yes, I will do the surgery this year, and get rid of these man titties once and for all!

I know that "just be yourself" crap doesn't cut it, and I am committed to reach my best self!

I thought LTR meant when both parties agreed to being exclusive and consider themselves girlfriend and boyfriend. Do you guys define LTR as relationships of more than a year or so? What is the working definition you guys use of a LTR? Thanks for the tips Maximum and for compiling the podcasts links that cleared my questions, they are great material!

@Harry Wilmington:
Your podcasts are amazing! Started listening to them today, and will continue to do so until the very last one! I will add them to my goal alongside reading the DJ Bible in six weeks, and will listen to all your podcasts too! Great advice you have there, really enjoyed them!


Thanks guys for the great help so far! I am improving my life a lot since I joined SoSuave. And that fear of giving in if she contacts me wanting to get back together, is starting to go away. Every article I read here makes me more confident and makes me not want/think/love her anymore.

Thanks!

Regards,

Blackmesa

 

[bigneil]

While 3 months might barely qualify for LTR, that is a stretch. 3 months sounds more to me like the first stage of romantic dating. In her mind it probably wasn't an LTR. Thus, the OP should have 3 girls just like her.

Guys, you are only as good as your second-best option.

 

[Maximus Rex]

It Is What It Is

I thought LTR meant when both parties agreed to being exclusive and consider themselves girlfriend and boyfriend. Do you guys define LTR as relationships of more than a year or so? What is the working definition you guys use of a LTR?

A long term relationship isn't what "we," say it is per se, what it is what it says in the definition, a long term relationship.

 

[Sensible]

Mate, I understand that it hurts; being dumped hurts. And it will hurt a little while. But it will pass with time. Now you might be feeling like she's the only girl in the world but some time later you will say: why did I hurt myself for this crap. Don't do alcohol or any ****, you need to feel to heal.

And about the girl: I think it's not so bad that you two broke up to be honest. She acted totally like a crazy person. We don't know this girl but, the way she act is insane. You better off with her and find someone else with a better state of mind. Even if you were bisexual, that's not even her business since you are together with her and not ****ing other guys. You did NOTHING wrong. She is just not a good relationship partner and that's it.

Try to focus on different things, meet with you buddies have some chat. It will be over I promise. One way to make it easier is to stop all your contact with her and throw away every object that has a memory. Good luck...

 

[usernamedox11]

The girl sounds nuts. Good riddance.

 

[Blackmesa]

@bigneil:
I am realizing now that I've committed too much for a relationship on its earlier stages. Not having a second option is what laves most guys in a deplorable state after his relationship go wrong.

When I was with this girl, I had a couple opportunities to add some plates and keep them there spinning, just in case things went wrong with the gf. But I thought that was wrong for a guy to do. After reading some articles about plate spinning, now I see how important it is.


@Maximus Rex:
I understand. It is just that what is long may be subjective for every person. But from what I've seem, it is pretty consensus that 3 months is not a LTR yet.


@Sensible
Thanks Sensible! When I first came here to SoSuave I was feeling terrible, pretty much like you've described. After some days and a hell lot of reading, I feel like other person now. Every day that passes and every post I read here I want/miss/love her less.

It was an unfortunate situation that happened, but like someone here said, you get to know a person on their worst, not on their best. And seeing how she treated me with disrespect when this situation came up, It was important so I could get to know what kind of person she really were. Too bad it didn't work out. For her.


@applegoo:
You're right, to be honest, I am glad that this happened, what kind of things she might had waiting for me down the road should this had not happened?


Thank you guys!

I am on 13 day of NC, reading a lot on SoSuave, and getting better each day!

Regards,

Davi Duarte

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Hey there, just now seeing your responses to my post! Hope the links Maximus Rex put up have been helpful; I saw the 2 questions you had about 2 of the things I listed as "negative" things, and although they are answered in my podcasts, I'll gladly answer them here as well:

*Did you make her the girlfriend within the first 3 months of meeting her?
Unlike men, women need some time to develop what I call the "groundation" feelings. They are the ones she develops that are so strong, she'll stay with you even if you end up doing stupid stuff at times or doing things she disagrees with. It usually takes a girl about 3 months to develop those feelings. If you try to make a girl the girlfriend before this amount of time, it can be very easy for her to lose interest in you if you do one or two stupid things. Think about women who stay in abusive relationships for YEARS - they have a harder time leaving because the feelings they have for a guy are so strong, partially because of the 3-month time in the beginning where those feelings were given time to develop. And these are guys who are BEATING them and doing things really BAD to them! Now, contrast that with a girl you made the girlfriend after 3 weeks getting flaky on you for a poem. You may have THOUGHT she had strong feelings for you, but they really hadn't been given time to develop.

*Did you guys meet each others' friends/family?
This is something she needs to EARN. If a woman has nothing to work towards when getting to know you - i.e. you just hand it to her on a silver platter - she'll (a) take it for granted, and (b) won't feel the need to do things on her end to impress YOU and try to convince you that she's worth keeping around and worth being a regular part of your social circle. Again, the first three months should be time you two are getting to know each other, not outside entities. Plus, she needs time to make her own impressions about you without family or friend interference. It's much easier for a friend or family member to convince her not to date you if they've met you before you've solidified an impression of yourself onto her; she'll trust their judgement more because she's known them longer. On the other hand, if you wait 3 months before meeting the friends and at least 6 months to a year before meeting the family, her impression of you should be good enough to where she won't be easily swayed by their opinion of you.

Hope this helps!

 

[3agle 3yes]

You've received decent advice OP, none the less I'll contribute.

I'm not being harsh, but I want you to see yourself in the third person...think to yourself "what kind of man is this?" and then think about the type of man you often see in relationships with many attractive women and notice how different they behave.

Every time I read a post about someone learning and coming out of bad LTRs I see the same patterns time and time again.

...slightly overweight but good-looking, just graduated and got a job at Google as software engineer.

Unless, you're obese or look like the Elephant man and work in a sewer...going into detail about your physical appearance and occupation is unnecessary.

I see you're trying to "paint the picture" as it were, but honestly it's also to gain some sort of validation too...

The LTR lasted 3 months and 5 days.

You forgot to include the hours, minutes and seconds...

Seriously though, this statement has "overly emotional" written all over it.

Until 2 months mark, everything was perfect. We had a great sex life, enjoyed talking and spending time together.

1) "Everything was perfect" translates as "I rationalised all her annoying habits...and MAGNIFIED her pleasing ones."

It's a typical trait of overly emotional people.

2) I'm getting a strong sense that "enjoyed talking and spending time together" means "we talked and spent time together pretty much 24/7".

This might shock you OP, but in time you'll get it.

You DON'T have to like the women you f*ck. In fact, I suggest you spend as little time with them as you can...

It seems everyone has this perception that you must have things in common with a woman and be the best of pals to have a relationship.

The BEST relationships I ever had were with women I had NOTHING in common with.

Nor was I friends with them.

...But we had SEXUAL chemistry.

Then she saw a poem a friend of mine did to me seven years ago...She thought the poem was a declaration of love and started to wonder I was bisexual and had/have/wanted-to-have something with him.

I'm surprised no one has mentioned this yet...but why the f*ck do you STILL have this letter?

It was written SEVEN F*CKING YEARS AGO!!!

I'm not surprised she thought you were bi....I would too.

Some days she would say she loved me dearly, and send me big text messages declaring her love to me, other days she would rain and thunder all around me. Near the end, she gave me a love card on a Thursday night, saying how much she loved me. On the Friday morning, she almost broke out with me.

This entire sentence reads like it was written by a woman.

Why do you think that is a problem?

I should have reacted boldly when she told she thought I was bisexual, should have told her she was out of her mind and break up with her myself because she offended my integrity calling me something I am not and for the stupidest of the reasons.

NEVER react to women....ONLY respond.

A reaction is an EMOTIONAL response and a response is an UNEMOTIONAL reaction.

ALWAYS know what you want from women and be HONEST with yourself.

If you want to talk, share common interests and "have fun" get A FRIEND.

If you want to f*ck, flirt and f*ck some more get A GIRLFRIEND.

 

[Blackmesa]

@Harry Wilmington:
Hey Harry, thank you very much for the tips! You really cleared things up on those topics, very helpful information. I met her family early on because our families were already close, but I didn't meet her friends, and she just met mine once. But you're right on waiting a few months before this kind of commitment, I rushed a lot of things and over committed myself too soon, thought some bond feelings were developed, but that was not true, should've seen it coming.

I saw some similar tips on your podcasts. I am enjoying them a lot! I am watching about a couple a day. Already listened to 17. Hope to listen them all in a couple months. I'd like to thank you for such great work and for making it accessible to the community. And your impersonations of women thought process is just hilarious! (And so true)


3agle 3yes:
Hey Eagle! Some hard truths you told on your post. I enjoy hearing them that way, it makes me challenge some core beliefs I have that I want to change. Everything you wrote is pretty damn right. Although I've improved from my first GF (which I was a total AFC), I still did a lot stupid AFC like things.

On the first part of the LTR we weren't close 24/7 and I wasn't that much emotional. I started being the Mr. Emotional Nice Guy after she threatened to break up. Then I regressed to my inner AFC and from there only pathetic submissive behavior came.

But I get your points, I was overly emotional, and over rationalized everything. And this puts girls off. I've lost her respect. And a man that is not respected instills nothing to a woman. That's when I stopped being the "mysterious" guy she would call and became a crying chump.

Some lessons learned here:

* Don't be the guy who cries like a baby on her arms because the LTR is going to end.
* Don't be the guy who's constantly reminding her how you love her.
* Don't be the guy who shows a poem about his man boobs another man did to him.
* Don't be the guy who do nothing when a woman disrespect him.
* Don't be the guy who takes a cab in midnight to her home to argue about her ludicrous supposition of said guy being bisexual.

Seriously, don't be that guy! I learned the hard way some mistakes I've made here. I am thankful for you Eagle, and all the others that pointed them to me. I don't want to be "that guy". I can and I will be whatever I want to be!

It has been about three weeks since the break up. Now I feel like another person. And the world now is full of possibilities. Possibility of getting my body into shape. Possibility of becoming a confident man. Possibility of changing who I am.

Thank you guys!

Regards,

Blackmesa