just ended my LTR/LDR

[appasionata]

After having read Rollo's post on long distance relationships, I felt that I needed to do this.

It's really not easy to end a 2 year long LTR; but we live far away (more than 1000 miles) and we'd have to wait for at least 1.5 years to get together.

I really liked this woman, and if we were together I really woulnd't want to leave her.

The most difficult part for me is she's going to feel more pain than I will, and that's really the sad part of it.

Unfortunately, as a recovering AFC, I really don't have many options, and I want to expand my options as soon as possible to help me heal my wounds.

I am sure that the decision I took is sound, but it's still very hard. It's not hurting very much at the moment, but I think it's going to get worse, if I don't find a replacement.

People were heavily criticizing me (about me trying to branch swing) but it was never my intention to hurt her. Things were just not going well, and Rollo's post ( I lost the link maybe someone could provide that ) on LDR's was the coup de grace...

Should I thank this forum? Or should I hate it?

I am waiting for your support guys.

Thanks,

 

[PeeGee]

People criticized you? But if a woman were to leave a man because he's never around (because he's 1000 miles away) it would be okay.

Support? I support you getting out there and pursuing what makes you happy, not what chains you down.

 

[slaog]

Well done!

If it wasn't working out then you done the right thing for both of you!

 

[appasionata]

Well done!

If it wasn't working out then you done the right thing for both of you!

It started to mess up because I wasnt really struggling to fix things. I am such a nice guy that I dragged this relationship for 2 years. Most of the time we weren't even together, so there was no relationship in Rollo's words...

 

[appasionata]

How do you avoid the pain ?

How do you avoid the pain guys? Do you never fall in love ? Do you never keep childhood photos of your women? Do you never listen to the music you shared ?

Or is it just an illusion? What if it's not??! I am the biggest AFC in the world I know.

 

[appasionata]

After having read Rollo's post on long distance relationships, I felt that I needed to do this.

It's really not easy to end a 2 year long LTR; but we live far away (more than 1000 miles) and we'd have to wait for at least 1.5 years to get together.

I really liked this woman, and if we were together I really woulnd't want to leave her.

The most difficult part for me is she's going to feel more pain than I will, and that's really the sad part of it.

Unfortunately, as a recovering AFC, I really don't have many options, and I want to expand my options as soon as possible to help me heal my wounds.

I am sure that the decision I took is sound, but it's still very hard. It's not hurting very much at the moment, but I think it's going to get worse, if I don't find a replacement.

People were heavily criticizing me (about me trying to branch swing) but it was never my intention to hurt her. Things were just not going well, and Rollo's post ( I lost the link maybe someone could provide that ) on LDR's was the coup de grace...

Should I thank this forum? Or should I hate it?

I am waiting for your support guys.

Thanks,

I called her back... I just couldn't resist it. I told her that I am not considering marriage for a long time ( at least 5 years until my mid-thirties) and she said she wasn't considering marriage either, and our problems weren't related to that.

Now it feels like a real AFC to go back like that, since this further complicates things. But it's just too painful to go through. I had already announced to a lot of people (people also around her) that we broke up, and now I don't know whether I should continue with her or not. She said unless I was very much willing to apologize, she wouldn't want to continue. It's really interesting to see that she wants to risk everything just because of a misunderstanding? ... Or is it just a bluff ?

Oh I don't know... I just feel the unbearable lightness of being an AFC now...

 

[slaog]

I called her back... I just couldn't resist it. I told her that I am not considering marriage for a long time ( at least 5 years until my mid-thirties) and she said she wasn't considering marriage either, and our problems weren't related to that.

Now it feels like a real AFC to go back like that, since this further complicates things. But it's just too painful to go through. I had already announced to a lot of people (people also around her) that we broke up, and now I don't know whether I should continue with her or not. She said unless I was very much willing to apologize, she wouldn't want to continue. It's really interesting to see that she wants to risk everything just because of a misunderstanding? ... Or is it just a bluff ?

Oh I don't know... I just feel the unbearable lightness of being an AFC now...

What have you got to appologise for?

 

[Latinoman]

appasionata...

What do you want? That's the question you must ask yourself. Forget what Rollo or Latinoman or anyone tells you. Just answer what do YOU want.

And once you decide on that...think about the benefits. Once you determine the benefits....then think about the consequences of your decision/actions.

And approach things knowing that.

Who cares what we tell you? At the end is about what makes YOU happy.

 

[appasionata]

appasionata...

What do you want? That's the question you must ask yourself. Forget what Rollo or Latinoman or anyone tells you. Just answer what do YOU want.

And once you decide on that...think about the benefits. Once you determine the benefits....then think about the consequences of your decision/actions.

And approach things knowing that.

Who cares what we tell you? At the end is about what makes YOU happy.

I want to be happier in the long run, and I want her to be happier. This is sincerely my ultimate wish... But under influence of the deep love I am feeling now, I really can't decide for myself what the best decision is.

When I try to understand her, this becomes even more difficult - because I don't really know what she wants either. She's adjusting everything according to me, as long as I wish to continue with her. But I don't know whether I want to do this to her ( to keep her waiting and not marry her - since her age is also a problem )... At the same time, it is extremely difficult to leave someone you love, for apparently no short term reason.

This is my dilemma. That's why I don't know what I want... That's why I seek help from Latinoman, or Rollo or someone as wise/experienced.

 

[MacAvoy]

Can someone post about the physical effects of being in love and going through withdrawl. I don't pretend to have that knowledge but I be thats a large part of whats at play here.

 

[Interceptor]

The bottom line is if



You are getting what you want from her


She makes an effort to support you in your mission as a man


Your life is enhanced by her presence


She understands you on the deeper levels , and is OK with that


You love, respect, and admire her as a woman, regardless if she was with you or loved you. In other words, you would still hold her in esteem and affection even if she wasn't with you.


Does she keep your interest?



Does she have her own life outside the relationship?



Do YOU have a life outside the relationship?


How do you handle conflicts and adversities together?





Right now, what youre experiencing is the pooled resources, and the familiarity of the relationship.
Youre so used to it, that you miss it.

Be careful of this point.


Are you missing her love and affection,and a fulfilling relationship?


or are you noticing the gaping hole in your self esteem and the bottomless pit of your Ego????


This situation is a clear example of why men HAVE to know 'what they want'.
IN life AND relationships with women.

Men MUST do their 'homework' BEFORE the relationship starts.
A man must be working toward accomplishing his mission before, during, and after every relationship. He must have the self discipine to work dilligently regardless of the circumstances. Men must be self directed, have that direction in life, be ambitious and be goal oriented.

This is how it is....

 

[Latinoman]

I want to be happier in the long run, and I want her to be happier. This is sincerely my ultimate wish... But under influence of the deep love I am feeling now, I really can't decide for myself what the best decision is.

When I try to understand her, this becomes even more difficult - because I don't really know what she wants either. She's adjusting everything according to me, as long as I wish to continue with her. But I don't know whether I want to do this to her ( to keep her waiting and not marry her - since her age is also a problem )... At the same time, it is extremely difficult to leave someone you love, for apparently no short term reason.

This is my dilemma. That's why I don't know what I want... That's why I seek help from Latinoman, or Rollo or someone as wise/experienced.

How old is she?

Why does you and her live so far appart from each other?

Do you two ever lived closed to to each other? If so...for how long?

 

[appasionata]

The bottom line is if



You are getting what you want from her


She makes an effort to support you in your mission as a man


Your life is enhanced by her presence


She understands you on the deeper levels , and is OK with that


You love, respect, and admire her as a woman, regardless if she was with you or loved you. In other words, you would still hold her in esteem and affection even if she wasn't with you.


Does she keep your interest?



Does she have her own life outside the relationship?



Do YOU have a life outside the relationship?


How do you handle conflicts and adversities together?





Right now, what youre experiencing is the pooled resources, and the familiarity of the relationship.
Youre so used to it, that you miss it.

Be careful of this point.


Are you missing her love and affection,and a fulfilling relationship?


or are you noticing the gaping hole in your self esteem and the bottomless pit of your Ego????


This situation is a clear example of why men HAVE to know 'what they want'.
IN life AND relationships with women.

Men MUST do their 'homework' BEFORE the relationship starts.
A man must be working toward accomplishing his mission before, during, and after every relationship. He must have the self discipine to work dilligently regardless of the circumstances. Men must be self directed, have that direction in life, be ambitious and be goal oriented.

This is how it is....

Very good post...

We have always had a good relationship, always acted together to deal with adversaries/difficulties. She most of the time enhanced my life with her presence. We were so much into us (when were together) that I barely had a life outside the relationship. That was my only concern when we were together. I definitely miss her love, and affection and even though I am trying very hard to find a weak spot, or something that I can use to convince myself against her, I can't. This might be partly related to the condition I am in at the moment.

But the fundamental issue is, she's my 3rd serious relationship after my 20's. I always had LTRs. and I always sucked at leaving women. It was always them who ultimately dumped me. I was rather contributing passively to make them leave me if I didn't feel content about the relationship. In other words, I always sucked at being a man. As for my current (or ex) girlfriend, I am simply not experienced (or ready) enough to reward her with marriage. And although she persitently denies that it's not MARRIAGE she's looking for in me, I see no other reason for her to pursue me all the way to here. She explicitly states that she definitely wants to marry and have children, so either she's lying or she relies on the slight possibility of us getting married.

As for Latinoman's questions:

I am a researcher at University of Illinois at Urbana, and she's back in my hometown. I am an electrical engineer and she's doing her Ph.D in abstract mathematics. She tried to apply and move here but it didn't work out in the first year. Now she's (she was) planning to apply for a second time for a research position to be with me (and of course to advance in her career).
(She's 26)

And yes, we were together for about 1.5 years before I came here. Not always lived together, but spent a lot of time together.

 

[Latinoman]

As for Latinoman's questions:

I am a researcher at University of Illinois at Urbana, and she's back in my hometown. I am an electrical engineer and she's doing her Ph.D in abstract mathematics. She tried to apply and move here but it didn't work out in the first year. Now she's (she was) planning to apply for a second time for a research position to be with me (and of course to advance in her career).
(She's 26)

And yes, we were together for about 1.5 years before I came here. Not always lived together, but spent a lot of time together.

I am an engineer myself. Very good University you choose.

Life is about doing the right thing. Here is in my opinion the right thing:

1- Do NOT stop her from reaching her educational/career goals (especially as a boyfriend)

2- Do NOT neglect your current educational/career goals (especially for a girlfriend)

Other than that is more of morals, ethics, values, etc. And I'm not here to preach on those things as those are YOUR personal battles.

She sees you as a catch. She obviously wants to be with you. The question is...is she worth the wait? Let's assume she is.

That brings another question...what would you do in the meantime? Do you want to "keep her" around until you two get back together (and in the mean time keep your options open by going on the side)? Or do you want to "dump" her and keep communication open...kind of freeing both of you to date other people?

Those are moral and ethical questions that ONLY YOU can answer. I would not tell you how to behave and I will not preach morals on you. And always remember that whichever decision you made...it will have consequences (positive and/or negatives). The only thing I can tell you is to always do the right thing and be accountable for your actions.

The only thing I would personally say is not drag a woman into several years in a relationship IF YOU KNOW there is no future. That's why I left my wife after a decade and a half. I KNEW there was no future and I did not want to drag her with me for several more years for the sake of the kids. But that's a different issue...

Your situation might be kind of similar (not the same, but similar) to that of cordoncordon. http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=105743

 

[Nelford]

I called her back... I just couldn't resist it. I told her that I am not considering marriage for a long time ( at least 5 years until my mid-thirties) and she said she wasn't considering marriage either, and our problems weren't related to that.

Now it feels like a real AFC to go back like that, since this further complicates things. But it's just too painful to go through. I had already announced to a lot of people (people also around her) that we broke up, and now I don't know whether I should continue with her or not. She said unless I was very much willing to apologize, she wouldn't want to continue. It's really interesting to see that she wants to risk everything just because of a misunderstanding? ... Or is it just a bluff ?

Oh I don't know... I just feel the unbearable lightness of being an AFC now...

Back in my AFC days I done that and she flip the script on me and I was really in pain because I didn't want to hurt her, so I renig on the break-up and she broke up with me. I laugh after it happen but I will never do that again.

 

[slaog]

read point 11, it really hits home.

11. As a young man, you’re on your own. Society divides and conquers. Unlike women who have advocates looking out for them (NOW, Women’s Study Departments, government, non-profit organizations, political advocacy groups) almost no one is looking out for you.

Indeed there is truth to this. It's bad to be masculine is the message of today!

We just have to reprogramme our thinking and be more natural.

 

[Latinoman]

Word. I gotcha back bro. People are soft on women. If a woman had done it, it would have been "Aw, you did the right thing!"
Hell, Im 14 and I already hate that sh1t (feminism, etc) It's annoying, and very wrong.

here, read this...http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/279126743.html

read point 11, it really hits home.

My son is 14 and I would be VERY disturbed if he was reading this stuff.

I am teaching my son how to be a gentleman (which is the foundation of things) and how to have positive masculinity and be tough. But more importantly, how important is for him to get an education and stay healthy and fit.

Once he start dating, then I will SLOWLY start with the DJ stuff.

You are not going to gain anything in here at age 14. All you will get is confusion and could actually messed yourself off.


If anything seek your father as the figure to follow. Hopefully he will be worth of that.

 

[jophil28]

The only thing I would personally say is not drag a woman into several years in a relationship IF YOU KNOW there is no future.

THis is the central issue here - do the RIGHT thing, and the right thing is to be true to what you know in your heart . The next thing is to realise that life is not Disney and it is painful many times .

However ,"This too will pass " is stuck on my fridge just for these occasions.

If you know deep down that she is not the woman for you, then set her free and mean it, walk though the pain, one day at a time and do your BEST - sounds trite but there is no other way..
There is NO possibility of have an "amicable" breakup in your circumstances.
NObody did anything wrong so it makes breaking up really hard.
She may be a great woman but is she the right woman for you ?

Why are you reluctant to consider marriage for at least 5 years .
Do you have career goals which preclude marriage.
If you are a researcher you probably do not have tenure, so what is your thinking here.
OR is that 5 year thing just your way of buying some time ?

On a lighter note - we engineers are supposed to be "the animals of the campus ". Why aren't you terrorizing all those perky 25 year olds ( Perhaps that is meant to only apply to undergrads.??)

 

[Latinoman]

jophil...we used to have some difference of opinions in the past...but the last several weeks we have been agreeing in almost everything. I knew it was a matter of time. Good to disagree and good to agree respectfully.

 

[Latinoman]

On a lighter note - we engineers are supposed to be "the animals of the campus ". Why aren't you terrorizing all those perky 25 year olds ( Perhaps that is meant to only apply to undergrads.??)

You too an engineer? Hahaha, that's cool!