Just Be Nice!

[De La Soul]

Welcome, Don Juans and Don Juans-in-training.

Today, a simple lesson. There is a common mis-conception amongst the men on this site. These men have read the DJ Bible: TICK!
But within the Bible, lies a simple noun which is a key, but can be a roadbock. This noun is "nice". When coupled with another common noun: "guy", brings with it a whole lot of negative connotations. Herein lies the problem.

"Nice Guy": Whenever you hear these two words together, you probably think to yourself, "Poor Nice Guys, they havn't a hope in the world with women! They are so lost in the world of the opposite gender!"

Well, if you think this, I'm telling you that you are set for destruction. Here's why:

The definition of a "Nice Guy", as originally meant in the DJ Bible: "He is tenderized and wants to shout in every woman's ear 'I will not abuse you. I am sweet and good. Based on that alone you should date me.' When the Nice Guy talks to the girl on a date, *poof*, the date turns into Oprah. 'Oh, my life has been SO downhill from here,' the Nice Guy whines. 'My little girly car was slashed, I failed my classes, but because of you this day has been so much better.' Then the Nice Guy goes, 'Let me tell you my life story. My birth was long, hard, and painful for my mother...' Our culture has become so feminized that the Nice Guy thinks it is proper to vomit his feelings and emotions all over the place. (It's gross!) Women, rightfully, run for the hills when they hear your declarations of love." - Pook

Now, the definition of "Nice Guy", as many of you DJs think of it: "Any guy who is kind or generous to a woman." WRONG! Pook's definition is spot on, re-read it...and then realize this, A kind, generous man - a NICE MAN, who also has confidence, ambitions and obvious male desires is attractive.

The type of Nice Guy that you should not be, is the one that Pook refers to, the one that is spelt as a Proper Noun. A Nice Guy, in the DJ sense of the word is:
[*] Feminized
[*] Overly Tender
[*] A man(?) who does not have control of his emotions
[*] A man(?) who thinks that by being "in touch with his emotions" and "in touch with "his sensitive side" will be a chick-magnet

That is the type of nice guy that you should not be!

HOWEVER, without being a Nice Guy, it is good to be nice! Nice in the sense of:
[*] Being accepting of others
[*] Being generous
[*] Maintaining *nice* looks

That is the type of NICE that you should want to be!

I've encountered the problem of avoiding the Nice Guy tag first hand: I was mean to others, I never smiled, I was never generous and I thought I would go for the *rough-edged* look.

It was a disaster. I became a jerk. A negative, boring jerk.

In the past few months I have been much more successful, by being nice, ambitious, manly, and confident.

So next time you recoil, when you hear the word "nice". Remember that being nice is actually an asset. It is being a Nice Guy (feminized, tender, emotional) that will prevent you from getting girls, not being nice.

If you ain't nice, you'll lose your friends. And you won't get a girl.

De La Soul

[This message has been edited by De La Soul (edited 06-12-2002).]

 

[Jester]

so wut ur saying is, you shouldnt be cruel to people.


duh hehehe. good post tho dude.

 

[Page]

What De la soul has described is called a "good guy."

A good guy falls somewhere inbetween a Nice guy and a Jerk, although it is located slightly closer to the jerk side.

 

[Lord_Galth]

No, its beyond just not being cruel to people. Being a genuinely nice man can seriously land you ladies, provided you do it as a MAN (like the post says). You know how girls are always whining that there are no good men out there? How they are all rats? Well, while most of that isn't true, what they're really saying is that there are no good / nice people who are also masculine, attractive, mysterious, funny, and not in her "friend zone." If you can be that (which is a distinct possibility) then you're a genuine Don Juan (think back on his character, was he really a jerk? naw, of course not).

That does mean a few things different from what I've been reading on this forum, though. It means NOT playing her, but genuinely showing interest in her life and activities; it means less neghits (although being a "mockjerk" who enjoys some good natured ribbing seems to work well); It means being sensitive (but allow me to explain what I mean by that)... you don't have to be insensitive to be a guy, sensitivity is just awareness of and reaction to a girls feelings, a Nice Man WILL respond to those, not for the purpose of getting into her pants but because he genuinely cares about the girl (thats a difference of perspective, and we all know how much those can affect things). This is not a feminine sensitivity, where you chatter and sob like the Nice Guy, this is a masculine kind, the difference is in how you respond to it. Instead of sobbing with the girl, be there to hold her when she's hurting. Don't say a word, don't sympathize, just hold her like the big strong man that you are. Its completely masculine, not friend oriented, and it increases the feelings of safety and security. I did this with one girlfriend who was fairly new to dating (and so slow on the physical side of things) and the next time we met we made out in a forest at midnight (another example of masculine sensitivity, I knew she likes forests and the night sky, although thats more romantic) but that effort was helped by the prior examples of sensitivity. Masculine sensitivity can also be shown in the breakup, which should be done with care.

A Nice Man will balance her needs with his own (something opposed to a lot of what I hear here). That doesn't mean changing who you are, that just means LISTENING to what she wants ON OCCASION. Don't loose your spine, but grant her some ground when its appropriate (ie its not "sweep her off her feet" time) and not detrimental to maintaining your image as a genuine Man.

Many of the benefits of this will come AFTER a relationship, that girl will tell her friends what a good guy you are, and they'll be more inclined to want you, especially if you have a good MALE image. Its a harder road to walk than being a Jerk, but its far more Don Juanish, and when done right, it can lead to an endless line of girls waiting to date you (it has for me).

 

[Amlothi]

So that's what I'm doing wrong! *smack*

Seriously, good post as always DLS.

I too have run into this problem and I thought it was just me for a while. You are right on. For beginners, if you are unsure, than it is better to err on the side of not being nice. However, we must each find out own middle ground that works for us.

------------------
"There are no such things as mixed signals when it comes to women, there is reality and what the guy wants to be reality." - Don Phenom

Who wants to be a DJ when you can be so much more?

 

[De La Soul]

Originally posted by Page:
What De la soul has described is called a "good guy."

Yep.