Just A Heavy Day

[ZTIME]

As a young Ztime when I was about 15yrs old I got my first job. It was nothing special. I was working at a hamburger joint in the mall in the town where I was attending high school. It was great for meeting chicks, and as is the case with most malls, the internal barter system was great for getting things you wanted. (trade you a milk shake for movie tickets or fries for some arcade tokens!!)

Anyway, that’s where I met a friend of mine. He was a great guy and he got the opportunity to be my boss for a couple years. Heck he even moved to the town I currently live in now.

So 2 days ago his ex-girlfriend walks through the door of my business. She comes into my office and asks why I hadn’t attended my friend’s funeral. I felt the blood leave my face as she quickly responded with “I’m so sorry! You didn’t know?” I said “No, I had no idea!” “I haven’t seen him for like a month or so!” So of course my next question was “What the hell happened?”

“He killed himself Ztime!”……. “He took his shot gun and shot himself in the head”

“When his friend hadn’t heard from him, I stopped by to check on him and found him in the bedroom.”

I offered my condolences to her and said that I needed to go. I called a couple of mutual friends and keyed them in on the situation. I also googled the news to read the story for myself. Not a great day!

You know, I found myself thinking about the what ifs. What if I knew he was having issues? What if I had talked to him? Would anything have changed? Could I Have helped in this situation?

I don’t blame myself for the situation. I wasn’t there and I didn’t pull the trigger. I’ve never contemplated suicide and it just sucks to think that someone who you’ve known for a long time and considered semi successful could get to such a low that this was their only solution.

Sometimes when I’m on this sight and reading some of the “really bad” break up stories and “really bad” life situation stories I wonder if this is how some of those guys feel.

F**k!! Today I just want to go to the top of my building and yell at the top of my lungs. This is just some heavy sh*t to carry and I needed to get it out. It just makes your soul feel dark.

 

[Spinach]

Sorry for your loss. I can tell you that when my BPD girl got through with me I was one step from never never land. The ex husband of that same gal did cross the line and took his own life. NO woman is worth that.....

 

[Desdinova]

It's one thing when someone in their 70s or later dies because you know it's coming. When someone who isn't even close to that age dies, that 5hit hits you like a sack of bricks.

About a decade ago, I number closed a really cool chick. However, I never ended up dating her, simply because she was a bit older than me and owned dogs (I don't like dogs). Two years later, I found out she died of cancer.

I have a collection of scraps of paper that chicks have written their number on. Hers is still in there. It's absolutely surreal looking at it.

Sorry for your loss, dude.

 

[hithard]

Its an unfortunate thing in life. I have lost 14 close friends to suicide. Some of them were the happiest most positive people I had met. You just never can tell.

I question if all of them can be saved. Often it's a mental disease. One friend we found in time before he bled out. Couple weeks later he did it again where no one would find him.

One that really caught me off guard was an American friend. Probably the most positive and happy person I had met. He had a little Jack Russell dog that followed him everywhere. They found him one morning gassed in his car with his little dog. He couldn't bear the thought that it wouldn't be looked after. He was the last person I thought would do it.

I always felt more angry rather then sad. Selfish weak pricks that gave away their life to easily. The fact they find it easier to neck themselves rather than change the direction of their life or seek help always got me.
But thats life , you won't always be there to save the day. And it's not really within your power to provide more then bandaid solutions. They need to want help and be willing to help themselves.
Anyone thinking of doing it, get help. Life does get better with a bit of effort. Just dig in and fight with everything you have got.

Sorry to hear it Ztime

 

[ZTIME]

Thanks. I just gotta get this sh*t out of my head. I've known this guy for almost 30 years, and would have never thought that something like this would happen.

Worse thing is that I really think he did it because of the ex girlfriend who told me the story.

Some of these guys really get wrecked over these things. I've obviously been in that situation with the whole feeling bad about a breakup, but Sheesh! This is just a whole new level of insanity! Nothing should be worth your life!

Last night I went out for a few drinks with some friends and got a little banged up. I'm never an angry guy, but last night I found myself going to some dark places. Like I'm raging that this guy did this!

I'm sad for the loss, and I'll live. I've dealt with loss in the past and this won't be the last time I'm going to deal with it. I'm just so fu**ing mad at how it happened.

 

[mangotot]

I always felt more angry rather then sad. Selfish weak pricks that gave away their life to easily. The fact they find it easier to neck themselves rather than change the direction of their life or seek help always got me.
But thats life , you won't always be there to save the day. And it's not really within your power to provide more then bandaid solutions. They need to want help and be willing to help themselves.
Anyone thinking of doing it, get help. Life does get better with a bit of effort. Just dig in and fight with everything you have got.

Interesting post dude. I figure you have never suffered with depression and the like and life has been generally been good to you. So life gets better with a bit of effort? I know a dude who is in his 40s who has been pretty fvcked all his life. Talking to him he's put huge effort to improve his welfare and while things have improved, things for him are not a bed of roses. If it was anyone else in that situation god knows what they'll do.

Opening Poster. Really sorry to hear about this misfortune. Get a good night sleep and you'll be OK in a few days.

 

[hithard]

Interesting post dude. I figure you have never suffered with depression and the like and life has been generally been good to you. So life gets better with a bit of effort? I know a dude who is in his 40s who has been pretty fvcked all his life. Talking to him he's put huge effort to improve his welfare and while things have improved, things for him are not a bed of roses. If it was anyone else in that situation god knows what they'll do.

Opening Poster. Really sorry to hear about this misfortune. Get a good night sleep and you'll be OK in a few days.

You are fuc.ken kidding me, so you should just kill yourself when it gets tough because thats less effort then living.
I understand mental illness will distort reality. And on that subject as I mentioned get help. Terminal illness yep ok I get it.
However don't make excuses because of a hard life in western society. I will show you millions who have it worse off and will fight to the last breath.
Your choice to make the decision, my choice to think you are gutless to those you leave behind. It takes fu.ck all effort to not neck yourself and little more to seek help.
I'm not about to get in a sht slinging match about whose life was tougher or who dealt with what. Thats the past.

Should I be concerned about where you're at in your current headspace, or is it just empathy with others in that situation?

 

[mangotot]

You are fuc.ken kidding me, so you should just kill yourself when it gets tough because thats less effort then living.
I understand mental illness will distort reality. And on that subject as I mentioned get help. Terminal illness yep ok I get it.
However don't make excuses because of a hard life in western society. I will show you millions who have it worse off and will fight to the last breath.
Your choice to make the decision, my choice to think you are gutless to those you leave behind. It takes fu.ck all effort to not neck yourself and little more to seek help.
I'm not about to get in a sht slinging match about whose life was tougher or who dealt with what. Thats the past.

Should I be concerned about where your at in your current headspace, or is it just empathy with others in that situation?

No point getting into a slanging match but not everything out there is black and white or 1 and 0. There is a whole load of shades and numbers in between. By and large for the majority of people life in the western world is easy but does that apply to every single person out there without fail? But yeah don't go doing silly things.

 

[guru1000]

Tough situation, I know. A very close family member committed suicide recently so I can relate.

What's help me transcend the darkness is an alternative, perhaps dissident, perspective, whereas this quotidian, earthy life are the "training grounds" for our spiritual growth, and the passed have left this hell ground to a superior, trancendental plane. Knowing they are in a much better place shines light into this dark perception we call death. Also by understanding that ALL life is transient and thus embracing death as nature intends, all mundane worries fall by the wayside.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Hithard,
You have soo many Suicidal Friends,I had two....I wonder can we see a correllation between Feminism and this shocking Attrition,which in your case seems as bad as that among young Men in the First World War!

 

[hithard]

Dear Hithard,
You have soo many Suicidal Friends,I had two....I wonder can we see a correllation between Feminism and this shocking Attrition,which in your case seems as bad as that among young Men in the First World War!

90s in Australia saw a lot of my friends kick off. The majority were to do with women and financial problems. That figure doesn't include the car accidents or murders. For a long time I just assumed that number was normal. Out of those 14 only one was female.
Last year we buried a mates(also suicide) young bloke who found his dad swinging from the rafters in the garage and thought he would follow suit 17 years later.

There will never be any grey areas for me regarding this apart from the reasons in the above post. Its black and white and it should never be an option.
I could care less for the dead, their problems are over and there is no going back. Its those left behind that need to be supported.

 

[Johnny_Rico]

Hey Hithard,

I'm sorry for your losses. The way I look at it, there's a couple of ways to look at suicide. One - you can think about that person who did it and get angry, then base a moral judgement on their decision. Two - you can try and understand the mindstate that person must have been in, and see if you can find compassion. Would you like to feel angry or compassionate?

I've never contemplated suicide in my life until recently. Maybe some brief ideation here and there when things were rough but nothing serious. I was diagnosed with Bipolar and given some antidepressents a few months ago. I didn't like how they were making me feel, so on my docs' recommendation, I tapered off the dose.

Those 96 hours were some of the most mentally agonizing days of my life. I would burst into tears at some thought on a dime. I would simultaneously want to slam my fist into a wall, then realize the futility of it and fall into a deep despair. All of this came from intrusive thoughts which I couldn't silence. Thoughts about my past, or dead family members, or ex-girlfriends. I didn't have control.

There is something they don't tell you about the dark side of human neurochemistry; or if they do, it's whitewashed into obscurity under a long list of ''side effects may include..''. People feel like there's no reason to live. It happened to me, dude. It could happen to you. It is ignorant to assume that these peoples' suffering was due to lack of gumption if you have no experience with depression or pharmaceuticals.

In my case I was lucky - I've come off the anti's and things are looking better. I can't imagine what it must be like for people who are just neurologically fvcked and have off-brain chemistry. But a sustained state of extreme depression is literally debilitating. For those 4 days I was so miserable I began to imagine the ways in which I'd do it. And I'm a pretty resilient, happy guy.

 

[donking]

What kind of antidepressants did you take? Did you taper slowly enough?

 

[ZTIME]

I'm putting most of the anger from this situation to the side. I feel bad for dude's family and friends, but he ended up making his own choice and I wish him the best on the other side.

It was my birth week this week so I did quite a bit of partying with people and went to a couple of surprise parties a couple of different people put on.

Maybe the shots and mixed concoctions of booze and the horrible timing of my friends choice brought me to a dark angry place. It's kind of a weird feeling when your supposed to be celebrating and you find yourself getting angry.

Anyway, I really don't drink that much alcohol, but this week I think I triggered my "Liver Warning Light". I'll know better next year.

Hithard,

Dealing with this same sh*t 14 times would definitely suck!! Once is quite enough for me!!