Princess-Spock
Senior Don Juan
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2002
- Messages
- 347
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To those who entered this thread just to post, “Why even bother with LTR’s/marriage?” let me preface my comments by saying; if you find “the right person,” your life will be greatly enriched, such that you can never be anywhere near as happy withOUT her as you’d be WITH her. This is why LTR’s and marriage continue to be the rule rather than the exception; it’s human nature to want to be happy.
If you just wanna date and fvck around, more power to you-I’m not knocking you, by any means. What’s written below is for the benefit of those who DO want an LTR, and are struggling with finding the woman who’ll make it work for them; be nice and let them talk about it without flaming them for making a different choice, OK?
“Compatibility” is the existence in another person of the personality traits that allow you to have a good relationship with them long-term, or even “until death do you part.” It does NOT mean that you can have a relationship with no effort, no struggle, no fighting, no sacrifice-life isn’t like that. Compatibility means that you can have the sort of deep love you see in people who have found true happiness with each other.
Happy LTR’s, with or without a marriage contract, DO exist; it IS possible to never be bored with your partner, to love your partner for 60 years, and to be much happier with them than you could ever be without them. It’s not easy to choose the right partner, but just because something’s a little hard doesn’t mean you can’t do it; anything worth having is worth working for, right?
Ideally, we’d test all prospective partners for compatibility BEFORE we waste time with someone we won’t want to be with after a few weeks, months or years, but our cultural norm of jumping into sex, and thus into relationships, with people we barely know works against our being thoughtful and objective, and takes us away from the search for the person with “the right stuff,” who’ll actually make us happy long-term, by allowing us to think with our hormones instead of our brains.
How DO we use our brains to objectively judge compatibility? This is what I've been able to come up with (feel free to add other points from your own experience):
Here are a few things that are NOT proof of compatibility:
1) You get along well; of course you need to get along with your partner, but, unless you’re a really rotten person, you can get along well with MOST people, and most people can get along with YOU.... you’re NOT “LTR compatible” with most people, though.
2) You have enjoyable sex; yes, you need to have a certain level sexual fulfillment to make an LTR work, but, unless you’re into something truly unusual, you can enjoy sex with ANYONE you’re attracted to.... but you’re NOT compatible with everyone you’re attracted to.
3) You have things in common; yes, having things in common makes it easier to become involved with someone, and there’s much to be said for being able to share things you like with your partner, but people with all sorts of personalities can like the same things you like.... and you’re NOT going to have compatibility with ALL personality types.
4) You enjoy doing things together; of course you want someone who is fun to go out with, but any random woman off the street will likely enjoy going to restaurants, clubs, the zoo, etc with you... and you’re NOT compatible with just any random woman.
5) You love each other; love is a MUST, but love does NOT conquer all, and, as you’ve probably seen with past relationships, love can exist WITHOUT the one you love being compatible with you for a LTR.
What IS proof of compatibility?
Some of it is easy to tell soon after you meet; if you MUST have a woman who doesn’t smoke, wants a big family, and shares your religion, for example, you can instantly disqualify a woman who smokes, or hates kids, or has different beliefs. ASK about anything like this that you require in a LTR partner, so that you don’t get sucked in with someone who can’t give you what you want.
If someone passes your initial screening, then the next test of compatibility is to see how it’s going after the “getting to know each other” phase is over. By that point, she should be willing, and HAPPY, to spend UNSTRUCTURED time with you, ie just hanging out, talking, taking a walk or a drive; if she’s NOT, then it’s the “dating process” she’s enjoying, not YOU in particular (although she may truly like you and enjoy going out and having sex with you). If you’re searching for a true LTR partner, where you stay happily together for years or even decades, you need to walk away at this point, even though you’re probably comfortable; as you know, you can’t “bribe” a woman into being your soulmate by doing things for her, and being “The King of All Date Planners” does NOT get you a happy LTR, it gets you feeling put-upon and resentful, and vulnerable to a real kick in the head when the woman you’ve made so much effort for takes off with someone she “clicks” with (not to mention your disgust if YOU meet someone you click with and then see how much effort you wasted on an incompatible person).
As more time passes, how do you judge if you can make it long-term? The shrinks say that the closest thing to a “personality fingerprint” is the sense of humor, and that you can get a good idea of who you’d be compatible with by how similar your senses of humor are; my personal experience and observation have been that this makes good sense. Beyond that..... even after a solid chunk of time together, can she still make you laugh until your stomach hurts? Does she still treat you right? Is she still the one you want to share all the good things in your life with? Is she the one you automatically turn to when you need comfort, support or care? Does she know you so well that she can virtually read your mind? Is it clear that she feels the same about YOU? If so.... congratulations, you’ve found a compatible person!!
------------------
To minimize the disruption following any comment I make, I will NEVER return to a thread once I've posted there. To well-wishers; sorry!! To all others;
The truth will set you free..... but first, it'll REALLY p!ss you off.
"You may be on the right track, but the train will run you over if you just sit there." -- Will Rogers
"It is not enough to have great qualities, we should also have the management of them." -- La Rochefoucauld
[This message has been edited by Princess-Spock (edited 08-07-2002).]
If you just wanna date and fvck around, more power to you-I’m not knocking you, by any means. What’s written below is for the benefit of those who DO want an LTR, and are struggling with finding the woman who’ll make it work for them; be nice and let them talk about it without flaming them for making a different choice, OK?
“Compatibility” is the existence in another person of the personality traits that allow you to have a good relationship with them long-term, or even “until death do you part.” It does NOT mean that you can have a relationship with no effort, no struggle, no fighting, no sacrifice-life isn’t like that. Compatibility means that you can have the sort of deep love you see in people who have found true happiness with each other.
Happy LTR’s, with or without a marriage contract, DO exist; it IS possible to never be bored with your partner, to love your partner for 60 years, and to be much happier with them than you could ever be without them. It’s not easy to choose the right partner, but just because something’s a little hard doesn’t mean you can’t do it; anything worth having is worth working for, right?
Ideally, we’d test all prospective partners for compatibility BEFORE we waste time with someone we won’t want to be with after a few weeks, months or years, but our cultural norm of jumping into sex, and thus into relationships, with people we barely know works against our being thoughtful and objective, and takes us away from the search for the person with “the right stuff,” who’ll actually make us happy long-term, by allowing us to think with our hormones instead of our brains.
How DO we use our brains to objectively judge compatibility? This is what I've been able to come up with (feel free to add other points from your own experience):
Here are a few things that are NOT proof of compatibility:
1) You get along well; of course you need to get along with your partner, but, unless you’re a really rotten person, you can get along well with MOST people, and most people can get along with YOU.... you’re NOT “LTR compatible” with most people, though.
2) You have enjoyable sex; yes, you need to have a certain level sexual fulfillment to make an LTR work, but, unless you’re into something truly unusual, you can enjoy sex with ANYONE you’re attracted to.... but you’re NOT compatible with everyone you’re attracted to.
3) You have things in common; yes, having things in common makes it easier to become involved with someone, and there’s much to be said for being able to share things you like with your partner, but people with all sorts of personalities can like the same things you like.... and you’re NOT going to have compatibility with ALL personality types.
4) You enjoy doing things together; of course you want someone who is fun to go out with, but any random woman off the street will likely enjoy going to restaurants, clubs, the zoo, etc with you... and you’re NOT compatible with just any random woman.
5) You love each other; love is a MUST, but love does NOT conquer all, and, as you’ve probably seen with past relationships, love can exist WITHOUT the one you love being compatible with you for a LTR.
What IS proof of compatibility?
Some of it is easy to tell soon after you meet; if you MUST have a woman who doesn’t smoke, wants a big family, and shares your religion, for example, you can instantly disqualify a woman who smokes, or hates kids, or has different beliefs. ASK about anything like this that you require in a LTR partner, so that you don’t get sucked in with someone who can’t give you what you want.
If someone passes your initial screening, then the next test of compatibility is to see how it’s going after the “getting to know each other” phase is over. By that point, she should be willing, and HAPPY, to spend UNSTRUCTURED time with you, ie just hanging out, talking, taking a walk or a drive; if she’s NOT, then it’s the “dating process” she’s enjoying, not YOU in particular (although she may truly like you and enjoy going out and having sex with you). If you’re searching for a true LTR partner, where you stay happily together for years or even decades, you need to walk away at this point, even though you’re probably comfortable; as you know, you can’t “bribe” a woman into being your soulmate by doing things for her, and being “The King of All Date Planners” does NOT get you a happy LTR, it gets you feeling put-upon and resentful, and vulnerable to a real kick in the head when the woman you’ve made so much effort for takes off with someone she “clicks” with (not to mention your disgust if YOU meet someone you click with and then see how much effort you wasted on an incompatible person).
As more time passes, how do you judge if you can make it long-term? The shrinks say that the closest thing to a “personality fingerprint” is the sense of humor, and that you can get a good idea of who you’d be compatible with by how similar your senses of humor are; my personal experience and observation have been that this makes good sense. Beyond that..... even after a solid chunk of time together, can she still make you laugh until your stomach hurts? Does she still treat you right? Is she still the one you want to share all the good things in your life with? Is she the one you automatically turn to when you need comfort, support or care? Does she know you so well that she can virtually read your mind? Is it clear that she feels the same about YOU? If so.... congratulations, you’ve found a compatible person!!
------------------
To minimize the disruption following any comment I make, I will NEVER return to a thread once I've posted there. To well-wishers; sorry!! To all others;
The truth will set you free..... but first, it'll REALLY p!ss you off.
"You may be on the right track, but the train will run you over if you just sit there." -- Will Rogers
"It is not enough to have great qualities, we should also have the management of them." -- La Rochefoucauld
[This message has been edited by Princess-Spock (edited 08-07-2002).]