Journey to DJism - Indy95

[Indy95]

Hey guys, I'm currently 16, senior year with about 7 months left, decided to take my life in my hands and quit letting other people push me around. I'm starting my journal, hopefully I can see some change and get some help.

I'll start from my background, and go from there:

I have for as long as I have known, been an AFC. I think it stems mostly from my family situation, in which my Dad was always more of a educational/pushing figure rather than a friend/guide. I excel at school, acing my SAT, maintaining my 4.0, and winning competitions that have allowed me to travel around the country. Unfortunately, my relationships, with both my guy friends and girls have always been a massive crutch. Most of the time I just accept being pushed around by my friends, but whenever I am struck with a bout of oneitis I feel like there is no point in giving two ****s about other people.

For as long as I can remember I've worried about what others think about me. It's embarrassing for me to say that before these past few years the only time I really felt secure was when I was behind some sort of screen. I don't really find my life too interesting; I just feel like I'm forced to excel at school, and this has completely killed my social life. I have a few true friends but I almost always take a beta position.

I've worked on things such as esteem, confidence, and assertiveness but my inner voice always kills me when it comes to doing things I WANT to do. For example I'll think of things but I won't act upon them because I'm too ****ing worried about others. Then when I do act upon them it'll come out insecurely because I'm not assertive enough. This becomes a vicious cycle. Because of this, up till now I have not had a girlfriend, only some makeout on occasion whenever there are parties and such.

Now, I'm sitting here, typing up this journal. Time for entries. I'll try to update regularly.

 

[Indy95]

Entry 1 - 10/11/11

Bad day. Had school, trying not to take **** from my guy friends but still haven't changed enough to the point that I can think normally and lead conversation. Talking to a number of girls, but I can feel oneitis coming around. Getting extremely nervous around one girl, which pisses me off, since I am fine around all other girls besides this one. Never can work up the confidence to be sexual, I have no idea why. Need some help getting past these mental barriers and changing to think I'm the only person who should care about what I do.

For example:
Girl comes in my homeroom today, she doesn't talk to me so I don't initiate conversation since I can't think of anything to jump into her group with. Losing initial attraction so it's kinda going down the drain. Later in the day she hides behind a wall and pulls that dumb stuff...best thing I can manage is "wow...nice, I'm just going to pretend I didn't notice that."

Did some lifting and violin to work off the frustration.

 

[Rhino]

Looking forward to reading your stuff. You sound quite a bit like me not too long ago. Glad to hear you're lifting, whether to kill frustration or otherwise, it's probably one of the best things for you. Also, since you're such a good student, I'm wondering where you want to go to college? I have great grades too (senior year) and I'm looking at Duke, Cornell, Vanderbilt, Brown, Northwestern.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

You take me under your wing regarding school, I'll take you under my wing regarding this stuff, capice?

 

[Indy95]

Haha sure sounds good to me.

And Rhino: Yale, Dartmouth, Stanford, Amherst, and Williams are my top choices.

 

[Mindgamez]

Indy, I feel what you feel. I have to deal with the same issues. I even feel insecure around some friends sometimes, and girl friends mostly. I've always had the same social circle for years, and I can hardly progress any further. It's like the same routine every day... School, then lunch, then football with some guy friends, then afternoon, then go on computer and do homeworks.

I'll keep reading your stuff. Hope you'll get better and you might become some source of inspiration later, so keep it up

 

[Indy95]

Entry 2 - 10/12/11

Massive chemistry project...took up almost all my time in homeroom, no time to chat. Juggling a lot of things, orchestra, senior project, college applications. Talked to a couple girls, no problem for me to flirt, unless its with Hannah, the chick I'm getting bad oneitis with. Orchestra practice after school, seriously terrible since none of my "group" is into that kind of stuff, but it's part of me so I'm sticking with it. Ran 3 miles, staying in shape after cross season. Pretty uneventful day.

 

[Indy95]

Entry 3 - 10/14/11

Thought I was getting better with my internal thinking but obviously not. Was in a good mood all day, didn't do anything AFC by waiting around for girl's, too much attention, etc, but then this all crashed after school. We had a football game; for the first half I was completely fine, enjoying being around my bros and getting rowdy. Then the chick I'm getting oneitis with comes, I can noticeably feel myself getting antsy and extremely pulled towards her. I manage to force myself not to give her attention but at halftime we were both up at concessions. I try to start a conversation with her group, I'm good friends with all of them so conversation's great with all of them, except her. She blatantly avoided eye contact and wasn't receptive to what I was saying. Know I'm pretty freaking clear I have a bad case of oneitis as I'm feeling pretty ****ing down right now. I'm starting to let this girl control my own happiness, need some tips on getting over this and/or being able to talk to her again without being so worried.

 

[Indy95]

Entry 4 - 10/22/11

Very interesting week. Let's start off with the lifting increases! I've always been heavily lower body strength so I lack a lot of upper body definition. Finally decided to change this a few weeks back seeing as this is a good goal to set and will help boost confidence. Started off at 3x5 with final set at 20lbs on each side. 4 weeks later I'm now hitting 3x5 with final set at 30lbs, not too bad. Power clean is now at 125lb max, haven't maxed on deadlift but I can easily hit 25lbs on each side for 2x11. Squat I haven't maxed out yet, easily cruising through the 200lb workout right now (3x10 45s on each side). I checked my max on leg press and its around 5 45's on each side.

Sunday went well; had to do a community service event for one of my organizations so I felt pretty accomplished. Chatted up a couple of the girls there, not a whole lot of time to sit around and talk so nothing big happened. Still lacking a lot of ability to generate interest and be spontaneous...

Monday-Thursday all blurred together; I did all my usual stuff, homework, violin, lifting, running, studying. Still having problems with Hannah, I don't see her that much anymore so it's fading. Good thing she's mostly ignoring me when I'm around so I can sever my connection.

Friday - Got my SAT II scores back, good enough to not worry about so I'm really happy. Finally done with high school standardized testing. Realized that in about 3 months I'll be able to cut loose, and hopefully my parents will allow that. Football game that night, we kicked ass which is great. Hannah wasn't there so I didn't have **** to worry about all night, just chilled with my friends. Went over to one of their houses for a while and played some water pong lol, apparently I'm pretty good at it.