journal to personal enlightenment

[Buddha_Mind]

lol, I wish it (journal to enlightenment) truly was -- but I see some of these logged threads about people's field reports, and I've decided I'm going to start one of my own to light a bit of a fire to keep the DJ mindset burning, and to log what I learn.

First off: I'm not buddhist nor am I some religious zealot. Cool. Secondly, I have been a major AFC at many portions of my life. I have cracked out a few times but seem to want to revert. I remember being as young as 7 years old and having major one-itis on a girl in my KINDERGARDEN class. And you know the saddest thing is, I actually remember being too NEEDY then. So I am observing trends DEEP in my MIND that I've had a LONG TIME. I think we can all find our own unique relationship to this stuff, just like fitness or anything else (there is no exact way)--so I hope this journal helps me dial into my own better way of being.

I may go into the past a bit in this thread about what's helped me and where I've failed numerous times.

Mostly, this is for my own use, but to the reader I hope some can learn from my experiences (good or bad), I hope that by sharing them I am more self-aware, and I hope too that through this I can learn from others feedback.

I also think this log might help me see my own AFC-tendencies a bit better and help me break some bad unconscious habits.

We'll start with last night:

[7/27/2012]
Last night went out to the bar. Small town, definite imbalance of males:females. I'm trying to 'get over this', but I may move in a few months when a short-term job ends. We'll see. /digress. However, last night (2) experiences, today just (1).

Last night 1: Bar tender, lives in town, single mother, have built rapport, fact she is a single mom scares me a bit, but always get strong ILs, cute, hb6-7, seems sweet. Her name is similar to mine, used that as a segway for conversation. First time I met her, I was chewing food, was unable to place my order, she was laughing and thought it was cute [I could not speak but smiled]. Whatever. Nothing here likely to occur, because single mom issue sort of scares me?

Last night 2: Romanian chick, mutual friend's female friend. He motions her over. She sits down at our table. As she walks past me her thigh (upper) brushes my arm, she sits next to me, I immediately invoke some light kino by pressing my leg against hers as she sits down. She doesn't pull away. I hold for a few seconds then pull away. A few minutes go by and I resume the light kino by pressing my leg against hers. This time I wait for her to pull away. She does after a few moments. Started asking her about herself, etc -- good conversation, she seemed to enjoy talking about herself, lol, followed the 30:60 (me:her) ratio for discourse. Shared some similar interests and experiences and mindsets--when I told her my story, how I arrived in town and mentioned I had moved into my "vehicle" I could see her IL's drop (she no likey)-- she wasn't interested in my @ss at this point -- I have no $ for her. I should have avoided certain details..ahem..however not a huge deal and she was maybe hb5ish, but cute romanian with accent...was thinking how she might be different than the typical American woman, but guys honestly it seemed like the same game to me. I think I could have potentially been successful if I had kept my mouth shut and pushed the kino boundaries a bit more. I got a bit nervous and backed off, but I had started confidently. I sort of got tired of listening to her ramble as well, and she had no interest in asking me any questions, so it died off simply because I wasn't feeling it also.

This morning: I crash out in a camping area with a group of others, we all wake up and I see this chick get out of her tent and make a PB and J sandwich. Cute from afar, from out of state, traveling through. I approach friends near bench where she is sitting eating, these older gentleman ask me kindly to help them move this big cement mixer. This was a stroke to the ego, I've been working out hard and they asked me to help with the heavy lifting. A friend made some comment in a girlish high pitched tone "Oh buddha you're so strong" and I saw this chick look up. I used that as a segway to ask her about her dog. I said "what's your dog's name" and I forget what she said, but then she said, "my names katie" as if insulted I asked the dogs name first. I wanted to know the dogs name first, lol. Anyways though I sat down with her, she was from Arkansas, traveling through. I honestly felt like this chick was about me, but I noticed a bit of a pimple? on her lip????? The recent threads of the H (herps) make me not so excited and this was a woah **** moment. LOL. It could have been anything, but I wished her a great trip. I don't know what I would have done with her if I hadn't seen the lip-thingy. Maybe setup a hike or a climb or a camping session. But conversation seemed to sort of run dry after awhile, and by that point I was checked out (lip) and wished her well. lol. Not trying to be mean and I have no idea what it really was, she had a nice body, but I was a bit hungover and it as all too much.

No pivoting break throughs here beyond visible pimples on lips could be issues, single moms can scare a man a bit, and some chicks definitely are not keen on my lifestyle. Must sleep, but intend to come back to this thread and add more recent experiences and past relationships. The objective nature of this helps me to step outside of my own head (which at times I truly have difficulty doing).

Word.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

brad -- (I've enjoyed your posts a lot btw..inspirational, brother) I've dated a stripper before (well, ex-stripper when I met her), I wouldn't recommend it. This romanian chick was OK. hb5-6 if I'm being generous, but she was being rather self-absorbed and all the girls in this small mountain town (which shall go unnamed), have an escalated sexual value due to female scarcity.

Basically, there are more single, available dudes, than there are single, available women (a primary reason as I mentioned already why I may move, maybe a shallow reason I am unsure), and this gives the women the upper-hand, and some of them truly use it to their full advantage.

But let's get into another story here. It is our failures that can lead us to success if we choose to learn from them. The "girl that brought me here" as people like to state, I posted about here: http://sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=167313 (this was my very FIRST thread on SS)

However, looking back, she wasn't really the one who brought me here. Another chick by the name of Sam, I'll keep the name real on this one, is the real one who started my whole investigation into female self-improvement, lol, and I've made some progress for sure since her, but I've blundered and tripped a few times as well! Just because you're not using training wheels anymore doesn't mean you still can't wreck your mountain bike! I've wrecked a few times but not wanting to give up on the da.mned thing, because otherwise is to passively accept defeat and I can't do that! But I digress--Sam. I met this chick working in a climbing gym, she was a fellow female co-worker.

At the time I had the one-itis crushies on this chick Sierra whom I was heavily friend-zoned with. She was my "Ideal Girl" at the time and I was so caught up on her I didn't see how she was sapping me for attention.

Well, the focus here is not on Sierra, but more or less my afc-love-heart-sick-obsession with her actually had positive effects on my relationship with Sam. By not being so needy or even seeming sexually interested (because I was so heart-sick on the other girl) she became interested in me. We shared climbing gym shifts, some days when nobody came in we'd rope up and do "rope swings" and swing around. I genuinely had a lot of fun with her then, and it was only slightly romantic. She was a virgin at the time, I had heard, and had a 'boyfriend' out in California.

This chick was truly a sexy woman, hb8, climber, fantastic musician, she came from a damaged home and had a lot of psychological stress regarding her parents divorce, etc, etc (apparently her parents still interacted quite a bit for being divorced and this bothered her a lot, the fact things couldn't be mended). Well, the thing to take from this is when you meet a woman and she's (a) in a relationship already, even a LD LTR, and (b) she is pretty heavily caught-up on her parents relationship issues, you have to throw a flag and say "woah hold up". Now I was too naive and foolish at the time to really see, and unfortunately the common phrase hind-sight-is-20/20, holds true here. But I essentially had a falling out with the Sierra chick, after proclaiming my love one night (via text this is how bad I truly was at the time), and I shifted my one-itis onto Sam.

In my day-dreamy world it was, "oh this chick Sam and I have a REAL connection, Sierra was just a bish using my kindness, but this Sam chick is different!". Those are nice things to think, but in this situation it definitely wasn't the truth. Sam and I started hanging out a great deal, making music, she wanted to join a band that I was assembling, she would say things like, "I hope we grow old and climb and make music forever", you know bullsh!t like that. Man I am a sensitive dude in some ways, I hear the things people say and I internalize them, a lot I am learning now is simply verbal garbage. People love to blab about nearly anything, and when a woman digs you she'll go on-and-on-and-on about all this stuff about you and her and us and we and future -- but really don't get hinged on that sh!t because it can change in a heart-beat. Suddenly it's, 'you never' and 'you always do this' and thats the toilet-bowl-flush of the situation. HOWEVER, things with Sam died down as I went more and more AFC as I "cared" about her more.

Now one thing to take note is I do truly believe you should care about whom your with if your going for an LTR or whatever--don't think just because someone hasn't treated you well in the past (evil bishes) that every woman is so (an evil bish). Sam in some ways, was an evil bish, or rather just sort of pulling me around. I do think beyond my AFC tendencies, which she had some female-AFC tendencies of her own, the real hurdle was the distant-boyfriend. Unless your mega-alpha and have no prob banging a chick with a dude (and care not for him or his situation), just avoid this sh!t. I can tell you this VERY MOMENT I always struggle with these seedy women with men whom aren't satisfied but too weak to change the situation and instead want to hinge off on you and displace personal accountability. Just stay the fvck clear of these women, or if you're mega alpha and don't mind hurting some random brother, then fvck it too I guess, I sometimes wish I had those balls, but other times I think having values has to speak for something. //DIGRESS.

But the boyfriend issue never was resolved. I was so caught-up on this chick I went on a road-trip with her and some other climbing friends, was distracted by her the entire time, and really didn't enjoy the whole d.amn experience--waste of money. Secondly, things went south when I went major AFC and attended a Cello concert of hers bringing her a single red rose that I wore in my shirt, and a tiny little giraffe (her favorite animal) made out of climbing tape (I made little animals out of the tape in the gym she always thought they were cool) and set it on the seat next to me. I thought I was being sweet, had a tiny red rose for her (I didn't make a scene here, but I wanted *her* to see), and the little animal companion as my date, I thought this stuff would make her smile or laugh or "feel good". It had the opposite effect and she "took off" immediately after the concert leaving me in a wake of AFC-confusion.

Evil bishes and AFC habits don't match very well, and don't always leave the most positive impressions upon the mind.

So with Sam she went from having the hots for me, to losing them and re-attaching to her boyfriend, I fueled the transition through shifting my one-itis from Sierra to Sam and further reinforced the transition via AFC habits and attending her concert playing out some disney-minded shiz and self-sabotaged. I think some women might appreciate a flower in a charismatic or stylish delivery--(did I mention this woman was kinda a bish?)--but looking back about 9/10 of my experiences in such have always been a failure--women don't give a sh!t about flowers. Who the fvck trained us to think flowers equate to anything at all? Do women give us rocks or leaves or sticks?

"Oh my DELICATE flower how you are the PETALS that draw to me like SUNHINE"

"Oh my ROCK of a MAN you are my Gneiss in Shining Armor!"

...

Typing this post reminds me I have learned a lot! It wasn't too long after the ordeal with Sam that I hit the road and found a new identity in myself that was much stronger. I vowed--BECAUSE of her and that sh!t experience with the rose--to LEARN how to be GOOD at this stuff. I have taken many steps, I certainly have wrecked the bike a FEW TIMES since then, but have so far to go!!! Don't stop pedaling my brothas!!!!

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Red-Head-Mind-Fvck

Today is a lesson from my own life about what to avoid, and to have the common-sense to see through things. I think some men are more 'naturally' aware of certain things..maybe development and more experience when young..I have no idea -- I have always been a late bloomer. It was not until age 19 that I had my first REAL gf. Had been the fat-kid and suddenly a new life was created through very hard work. I do think though this explains some of my misunderstandings (because I didn't get a start until so recently). I've been with women since then, I've only had quality sex with 4 women, 3 of whom I actually really cared for. I had turned down sex in the past because I was a pvssy looking for LTR-material passing by STRS (don't do this men if you have the common sense enough and can keep yourself from being stuck in a cycle of one-itis fixations).

However, this story is about the Red-Head. That's her code-name here. I've posted about her elsewhere on this board. But the main message from this is women who are taken are always, always, always going to mindfvck you if you fall into their attention-wh0re game.

In some ways, thank god for this forum or things would be much worse. My experiences with the red-head have left me unscathed professionally and mentally, but this has come with wisdom (from past experience) and this board.

I know lots of dudes have been in the boat when a married/engaged/LTR-committed woman seems overtly flirtatious -- seems to entertain you and encourage your flirtation. As Jitterbug said so well, "this is not the mark of a quality woman".

If a woman is taken, but uses you as a venting place for flirtation or attention, you have to (a) cut your ties immediately or (b) damage control the situation and just use her for the flirtation.

What I mean by that, is these women you could 'carry on' with, you don't have to IGNORE them, but you better be AWAKE and AWARE of what she's doing -- because her flirting, if you think is an INDICTATOR of attraction for you, you might be right, but if you MISTAKE it as anything QUALITY than you will be IN TROUBLE.

So if you can handle it, know the boundaries, and be respectful -- it's probably OK to flirt a bit with women this way...or force them into YOUR frame where you KNOW their BS game but use it to your advantage -- or if you're more like me and don't have time for these trifling h03s, than you need to cut them out entirely.

The red-head from the day I arrived at this place of work caught my eye. But she also encouraged many things. Little cutsie email exchanges. Invitations to "hang out", including us finally getting together for lunch. I am not proud of this guys, I have had no intention of cheating, and I haven't cheated -- but I did mistake this woman's flirtatious AW-tendencies for some form of general interest. Hell, she helped me get another job in the area (a solid connection). This actually is a PLUS as I used to let women fvck me around -- in this situation I have had 0 damage and I've gotten a JOB out of her flirtations...so that must show I've learned a FEW THINGS in the last years...

Long story short -- hot & cold, showed me attention during weak phases in relationship, maybe a 'male backup' as an option.

This is all treachery.

I've learned greatly from this experience. Today was the final straw her being bishy again and re-stimulating myself with some experiences from this forum, things are much more clear.

Gentleman, when you are one-itis crushing, when you are oozing with lovey-dovey -- caution yourself.

Because you are not thinking or seeing clearly. Every person has their faults. So does she. What are you willing to tolerate? Being lovey-dovey essentially is a blind-fold of the self...unable to see the REALNESS of the situation casted and fogged over by delusion and hopeful-futures.

If I had acted at times on certain pivotal moments, I could have been in a very sticky situation. Thankfully this forum has helped me "see" a bit outside of my own head and has given me insight.

Just because a woman is giving you attention, doesn't mean she cares about YOU. Maybe it's all about HER and HER needs and HER entertainment. I have had to learn recently to recognize these mischievous-hoes from genuine women (such a thing?)...there are likely more mischievous-hoes than the alternative...I'd say of 10 women you approach, 5-7 will be mischievous.

Backbreaker said it well...forget the concepts of "good" or "bad", go with "self-interested" and observe how people make their decisions.

In my case, this woman has more $ with whom she's with. Her man sends her flowers and I see many AFC traits worse than myself. But this is a vile vile situation to be in. Today I have seen a shade of her nastiness that reminded me of another time I saw a similar shade...and suddenly it becomes very clear this is a dangerous b!tch. Damage control and self-preservation are my new tenants when it comes to this stuff.

I don't want to get too deep here, maybe I already have, and I could go through situational experiences, but the over-arching message is here.

I think I am just weak or overly-sensitive that when a woman gives me attention, I perceive it more than it actually is. I often think she cares of ME, but sometimes it's just my body that she wants or some image. Just because some b1tch gives you attention doesn't mean anything -- she's just responding to stimulus in the moment based on her contrived self-interested perceptions.

Time is the true test of character.

Looking back also, this speaks greatly of what is within myself LOW-SELF-ESTEEM. From that pathetic shell of a 17 year old I am a new man, but I definitely still have CONFIDENCE issues that must be resolved by FULL SELF ACCEPTANCE.

If you are entertaining a trifling woman, you might want to look at your own self-esteem also.

Do you think you're not worthy of something better?

Can't you see this bish can't give you what you want and never will be able to?

When you meet a woman gives you attention beyond the professional level -- who has a boyfriend or who is about to be engaged or unhappily married, don't be their sounding board, don't be their friend, because they are USING you.

In the end they will gladly eat your heart and savor the meal dotting the blood from their lips with their napkins. :nervous:

Avoid these evil callous women. Quality women have Quality Actions.

If I truly had REAL CONFIDENCE I wouldn't tolerate women like this for a half-second.

This has been a flash-light on my own weakness. It must be corrected else the same pains will again be experienced.

Keep on the good fight for self-derived happiness and a victimless life with the vagine. The vagine can twist your thinking and actions -- who chooses your life? You or the vagine? What could the vagine (if it belongs to crazy bishes) take if you let it?

STRENGTH SON.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Success

:cheer: Hoorah.

Sammy. I met Sammy in Seattle, she came by to visit a mutual friend. She was 22, hb7, nice body, young. This one is truly where DJ principles are correct. This was in a period before my last GF-mind-fvcked me, and where I too reverted to AFC tedancies slamming the nails into the coffin also with my own two hands.

But when I met Sammy I played aloof. She was fine, I wasn't the only dude interested in her, but I acted confident, collected, cool and in control. It was not long before she initiated light KINO.

We were in the grocery store picking some cereal or something and she brushed my hips, at that point I placed my hand on the small of her back and pressed my hips back, rocking with her a bit as we chose a cereal...

Kino escalated from there. I can't remember exactly what happened, but I remember taking this chick outside, I just went for a move to kiss her, she went with it, next thing I knew we were crawling into my rig and banging all night in my car, lol.

ALWAYS USE CONDOMS if you are concerned with STDs or where-else that vag has been in the last days...ahem...

Well I have never regretted using a condom -- I know it takes away from the sensation but avoiding getting these girls pregnant or catching a virus to me trumps that extra pleasure...plus..if you're doing it right..foreplay can be quite stimulating...I've never been let down because of a condom, I've only been let down because of the chick or my own performance.

//I digress.

But I find out a few days later she is hanging out with this real piece of work. Pretty sure he was a drug dealer. A mutual friend saw her get "pushed" and "slapped" by the guy. When I first heard this I was significantly bummed, because no woman (A) should ever tolerate this treatment, and (B) her tolerance of it proved immediately her low-self worth and her bad character.

She didn't know I knew this information and I went and saw her again. At the time I had decided to hit the road again and head to northern CA where I ended up on this looney-tunes organic farm for awhile growing avocados (this is another story entirely). She acted all pissy, we went to the bar, she threw a temper tantrum. I told her she had to "deal with her emotions" and I walked out of the bar and went back to my rig to sleep.

2 hours later she is knocking on my door to get in -- I ignored the knocking and I never saw Sammy again. Looking back I should have let her in, I showed her my ability to walk away, and in some ways better to stay with me where she won't get hurt than some dude. But at the end of the day KarmaSutra said it best, "you can't fix a broken b1tch".

Me trying to 'save' her was, all too much proof of the vileness of this situation. I had to cut cords entirely and go NC. I broke NC a few times to check up on her but no response. She drifted away.

Message is that stylish and confident kino, along with some basic DJ principles can work magic fast. The downside is, there are many confused and crazy women -- just because you got into her pants doesn't mean much in the long-haul, there are some women you should just enjoy and NEVER take seriously--this was one of them.

Anyways, she was sexually, a wonderful experience , and totally submitted herself, but in the end as a man you have to know what you stand and do not stand for.

If I had had this strength 1 year into the future from this experience, I would have been a lot better off.

Maybe Die Hard you are right - I backwards rationalize myself back into the AFC mindset. I must lay that mindset to rest for good.

Also, sex is just not always the victory. Many men are so fixated on this, but really the victory is not losing your self-respect, or finding a woman who truly is worthy of you, versus cheap bar slvts...

 

[Buddha_Mind]

So I went to the bar last night, and the romanian girl from post 1 was there. Her and a buddy of mine along with several others were chilling. I was reading ed abbey's "desert solitaire", which is a hell of a ride. I was sort of in the mood to just chill, but I saw all of them sitting there and felt compelled to go over.

I walked over to the table and began conversation. 2girls, 2guys, i didn't notice any sexual tension or boyfriend girlfriend behavior. These are pretty good people. They were watching the olympics. I went into a big rant about abbeys book and his ideas in regards to nature and i got them all laughing and discussing. I could see the smiles from the romanian, and actually her friend (?) seemed more interested in me. She (the friend) actually caught me glancing at the romanians boobies (low cut shirt), and looked at me and smiled...lol..i should have smiled back but i sort of gave a "busted" grin and honestly i was sorta embarrassed -- I wasn't totally eye ****ing this woman but.my eyes just sort of naturally wandered.

All good. We finish chatting, 2 friends leave, its me my friend this romanian. Did not detect any romance between friend and romanian, will ask him later--not trying to reach into his pot if you catch my drift. But tonight she seemed more interesting. We headed back to his camping area (hes a climbing vagabond of a shared fiber) and we grabbed beers and i grabbed my guitar. I played tunes through the night. Not gaudy self absorbed look at me tunes , but I was genuinely trying to spread the good vibes...I know to some this is AFC, but to me this was Real Connection to People.

3 girls (maybe 18 years old but no chemistry there) came down as they heard me playing. They said they didnt think it was a real person, whih was a huge huge complement--I love sharing music out of love so much (that is not to absorb the spotlight but to share good things)...

Well I spent the whole night playing guitar trying not to worry about jack shizz, but I felt very attracted to romanian..I was trying to send her good vibes as well via the musix. I know she enjoyed that a great deal. I made no kino action just flirtation and learnin more about her (before the music).

Maybe a seed was planted there.  IOIs were mid level, not overt, but i knew she digged it. Afterwards I left rather briskly not wanting to hang out too long and overstay my welcome.

What I learned and did right: chatted up entire group in genuine and sincere way..quality conversation..music to soothe...Left leaving them wanting more, not overstaying the clock.

What i didnt do: kino, pushed the boundaries a bit with the romanian...looking back too I may have a seed planted with her friend (if romanian is taken).

We actually have very similar interests..

***
Cute girl (19?) saw me loading my car up with groceries..she saw me checking out her ass jn the store and i smiled when she looked at me. Outside im loading my car and she gets out and starts stretching near me? I didnt say anything bc im in a safeway parking lot and honestly i had to get going but the second i leave she stops stretching...

***

new intern at work gives me really nice smiles and seeks conversation...approaches me...shes kind of afc and i think shes cute...no moves, just mild flirtation. Im leaving this workplace in a few weeks. I may just ask her to kick it here towards that time.

Or maybe i will see the romanian agajn and build further rapport.

I suck at escalating...i can overthink and fuk my mind...i need more ACTION leas rumination 

I can get iois moving etc but man i can still get myself rather nervous -- im working on that.

***

need to keep going to the gym. Feeling centered strong and confident helps all things a great deal. Kino is your friend. Confidence is important--even if you have to fake it in moments of weakness.

***

the women here are few and far between but i have to keep towards the path of self progress. Must continue fitness routines, diet is key. Must keep working to pull in $$age and to grow.

Another lesson i learned today: be humble be thankful. Anything in your life cAn be lost at any moment . Appreciate the things you love, they wont last forver--nor will we--quality people are those who stick with you during lifes unexpected negatives.

Sorry for ****ty typjng , exhausted, running on 2 hrs of sleep but had to capture these experiences to keep learning to be self critical and to study my failure so i may soon one day understand success.

(other thing I fvked up with with the romanian--i apologized too frequently for a bunch of BS thus confirming my realization that my self-esteem must be a pile of garbage. how do we unite confidence without ****yness? This holds me back from being too arrogant...but we cant be apologizing for ourselves).

Only through an honest and truly hard look at myself can I understand my faults and fix them -- only through intense hard work and self-scrutiny can I fix them.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Went out again last night, unexpectedly, drove past the primary bar in town and some mutual friends were outside -- I saw them and pulled over. Led to a night of meeting a lot othere people which was cool (a side note this dude had a huge bag of keif...I'm talking like 1/2 ounce of the stuff...I've never seen anything more beautiful).

The romanian chick was there, and I went and gave her a charismatic hello, but she seems too intense for me. She's going for her masters soon back to Romania and she's all about uber-success. I am seeking success too, but in some ways I've permanently derailed from the "mainstream" track. I made choices long ago that has taken me down a tunnel that there's no going back. So I can only relate to her uber-alpha aspirations so much. Life for me is desirably slower.

So not much there, and she didn't seem to like the fact that I sorta ignored her. I wasn't trying to be a d!ck, but I recall our first meeting her being on the phone and I tried to say good-bye and she totally ignored me..so she gave me a sorta weird nasty look but meh fuk it. She seems like the type who would just turn on me and start magnify-glassing my faults (some women really get pleasure at beating men down).

Well, so I guess I am improving at being aware of what I want and whom I think can give that. I am easily loving guy and care about most people easily. But I am learning to have to keep my heart more hidden all together, or at least only keep it on my sleeve near those I care for. I value honesty. But my value-set might not be aligned-with reality. People don't want honesty. People want fiction. People want fantasy. People want action. Honesty is boring and deflates the imaginative aspects of self-created fiction.

Well, there were tons of hot chicks. I was getting some nice eyes from some cuties, such a fvcking small town its poisonous sometimes, because you feel like scrutiny is all around you. I dance with two chicks a few weeks ago, 4 people from work are there to watch...that sort of thing. Low margin for error. But I have to say ultimately, this is about my own development, about my own growth, I can't hinder myself so that others have some judgement of me that they'd like. I have to be willing to get some bruises and some bumps and maybe even a few crashes and skinned knees if I really want to push myself. If I use the small-town excuse, I'm not being honest with what I really want (which is to be better with women) -- and the only way to get better with women is through practice. Making excuses isn't going to help me.

There are times I feel very strong, and there are times I feel very weak. When I am feeling very weak I try and knock myself out of it. Sort of like the hesitation that comes before lifting a weight, or the angst that comes when thinking about work that needs to be done. Suddenly my mind starts sh!tting on itself and I have to say, 'motherfvcker you can push through this' -- and that helps sorta kick me out of it. But today I found myself feeling sorry for myself again, feeling lonely and sad, and I had to sorta knock that out of me. I shed a few tears just feeling like a pile of sh!t as to why I'm fighting these bills and why even though I work my @ss off and have accomplished so much, that money and women are still such a struggle for me. It's like I can't get a grip on the situation, I see solutions, I enact some, I feel I can't juggle everything and I drop a few things and then my mind cracks. I have to keep my mind strong and push and push through it towards the outcome that I want. It is likely my business will keep growing...I must keep working out and taking care of my body..I must learn to be open with others, to not build up resentment -- I can't go out and socialize if I become a misanthropist and start hating society. I have to find some way to build the proper perspective.

My sadness mostly comes when I think of the red-head. I get myself all twisted and sad and its just some terrible one-itis crush. Her dude was sending her flowers and coming into the office the other week...things looked strange? I honestly try to ignore the whole thing and accept it and push it out of my head. But it's hard when I'm kitty-corner from her desk. I'll be outta here soon and that'll help, once her as a stimulus isn't around, I think my mind will slow. I can't help but feel ultimately she's just been manipulating me, and I've been too weak and lowly of self-confidence to stick to my guns.

//digress.

Last night I did meet a cute girl name Megan. A friend at the bar was oogling over every goddamned woman and he says, "I want to ask those chicks to smoke a bowl with me", I said, let's do it, and walked over, and said to the blonde (megan was the brown one), "My friend here was wondering if you'd like to smoke a bowl with him". She smiled and said they'd already blazed before they came (god I love these sexy toking chicks), in doing so I literally knocked over a glass of water on the table. This was not some childish awkward move but I literally reached my arm left, didn't see the glass, and knocked a whole fvcking glass of water on the table. Normally I'd been embarrassed, but I honestly wasn't and Megan says, "was that just water you spilled?" and I said, "yeah just water", and she said, "good, I needed a shower". Lol. That was a good sign in my book, (a) she wasn't uber *****y about an honest mistake I made, and (b) she smiled and schluffed it off in my favor..."i needed a shower"...I was stoked about that. My buddy commented on her skirt (all sorta torn) and afterwards I said, "well your skirt is very sexy" and she said "oh tahnk you" smiling. Back in the day the word 'sexy' would be hard for me to say in front of a woman because of my overtly-timid pusssy-ass nature. But I said it confidently, as a complement, and she liked it. Chicks all the time say how sexy they look to each other, or how "good you look" or "your hair is so sexy" and that sh!t, so I figure a woman is naturally inclined to receive complements like that, even from us men. And if we are expressing some sexuality, it's unlikely she'll misinterpret that. And it gets it on the table right away, "your skirt is sexy = you are sexy" (thats my man-talk translation).

Well I was running across the street to meet a friend when I met these chicks so I had to go. I would have liked to have stayed, but I had sh!t to take care of. Damn did she have beautiful eyes and a beautiful body...would love to see those eyes up close...and that body...maybe I'll see her again.

Part of this is just planting seeds and gauging. I still have confidence issues no doubt, even though I'm a strong guy. I've had these issues since as long as I can remember. I remember being 7 or 8 years old and being self-conscious about my body. I don't know if it's culture or society or my familial-culture, but I have to work harder on feeling more secure. My teenage obesity sure didn't help, and even now cut, I still have some old stretch-marks and scars from being over-weight. This holds me back sometimes mentally, but in the end I know it's worse in my head, someday I could likely get a surgery if I can afford it to remove those scars, and really, I am pretty cut and I think a quality woman wouldn't schluff me off because of a few stretch marks. If she does, and she couldn't be sympathetic or admire my self-change and internal-strength, than she isn't right for me anyways.

There is this intern at work who keeps reaching out to me. She's not as attractive as others to me, but I am almost certain she'd go out with me, and I'm almost certain she's highly attracted to me. I may move from here too--I don't know about starting anything with anyone--maybe she wouldn't want anything serious...even though she's not a 10, she still has a nice body, and the other day while I was helping her with some computer work, she gave me some very soft blue eyes...was wearing short shorts...her thighs near me, her body was inviting....

Honestly, I should probably go for it. But I sort of know already, that I'm not sure I'd want anything serious with her. But even in typing this there again is my problem. I gauge every woman as a potential LTR and because of that I turn away from good short-term opportunities. Subconciously this dictates that I'm still focused on "THE ONE". Oh, "she's not the ONE so I can't take this opportunity" -- that's a silly line of thinking to pass up good practice and maybe short-term connection and closeness. But I don't like the idea of using anyone or hurting anyone, and if I already feel some hinderance, this is what holds me back.

I was off my game last night, took me awhile to get any confidence, but I did end on a good note with the chick megan saying she needed a bath, god she was sxy.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Today not much, a few cute cashier girls gave me some smiles. When I am actively working at this stuff I feel I "give off" a sort of presence, and women respond. When I'm down-in-the-dumps and I'm all lost and confused, it's like they naturally repel from me.

So what does this mean? This means that by having a care-free attitude, by not being needy, and by feeling confident, masculine, and sexual, I get women to respond. When I'm feeling insecure about my body, lacking confidence about my financial struggles, caught in my problems of poor-me, and I'm-fvckd, and I'll-never-fix-this, man..they run like ****-roaches with the lights turned on.

Unfortunately I'm not perfect and I can't ALWAYS be the king-cheese in my mind. Some days I really struggle to stay motivated, to find the right perspectives. This troubles me because how can I ALWAYS be what some woman might need from me? Am I TRULY strong enough to meter EVERY DAY with the right attitude? Or will I fall again into depression, self-loathing....which leads to frustration and anger.

A lot of that pain has to do with my inadequate finances. I work well over 40 hours a week, but because I'm building a business, not all that time is rewarded with hourly pay. I'm just truly hoping I'm paving the way for a financial machine...we are moving forwards...but keeping my motivation through all of the struggle becomes difficult. And when my bills come in, and I'm hitting a wall, and I've got to scrounge to get by...that's not a good feeling...and I get bitter and angry....money really does effect an attitude...I know this issue must be resolved...I know there are many others struggling..I am not lazy or 'chillin at the crib' all day. I know in the long-run I WILL be successful -- I know I've made so much progress already but its slow and steady and takes time.

So, Getting my Cash in a higher flow, keeping my fitness and diet right gives me the right mental foundation. Following my passions (music, writing, nature) and working on this business are good focuses to develop my character.

I have to develop a strong character and I have to push myself to the absolute fullest. I cannot let myself fail. I will seek success even if I never reach it upon my last dying breath.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Nothing female related today. Woke up to some drama near the river about some dog attacking someone else's dog? Tired..dismayed..left camp and went up and spent the day cooking and making music out in the trees. People love to target shoot and theirs gunshots going off everywhere. Stray bullets? Jebus.

Working on my business. Thought about the bar, no time. Must read, learn, push myself. Changing my workout routine. Trying to let my pride go. I can't win this battle if I hold onto my ego and my pride. It'll hold me back. I have to be willing to see my weaknesses, my faults, and not be afraid of them but to go into them.

Today I was smoking a lot of hash and feeling reclusive. LOL. Tomorrow I'll have to lighten up and get my @ss in some social situations.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I'm in the office today in the zone sort of in a vulnerable mental place, just thinking on some heavy **** today. Questioning my route in my web business--this is not something I am truly passionate for. I've struggle to make $ in some ways doing what I truly love (working with nature -- there are however many avenus for this). Watched some documentary on george carlin and his advice of following what you love made me ask myself Am *I* following what I love right now? The answer is no, not exactly. It's something I'm good at--something I have a natural inquisitive nature about--something I learn easily; but it's not something I love. It's main focus (this business) is to help provide financially. But anyone who's started a business before knows this takes a lot of time and work. This balance, work:reward, I begin to question. If I was raking in the dough maybe I wouldn't complain as much--But I've been asking my Seriously what I'm going for here--I need to get my life in gear and find my identity. Some people like carlin believe in self-purpose, that he got many 'lucky breaks' which led to his success, that he was 'meant to be a comedian' in a sense. I feel there are some things I am meant to be in the same sense (writer, musician, conveyor of natural world). I spent hours and hours in my early twenties trying to focus on what really makes me light up and tick. And as the pressures of money, as failures of life have occurred, I've sort of drifted to a new realm. I'm not on my last breath here or nothing, but you have to ask yourself sometimes -- is this where I should be or want to be?

I'm planning on taking a trip back to a few special places in a few months. I've been so locked down focused on work I haven't left this place (where I am living now) in about 10 months. For myself, a former road-dog, this is a long time to sit still, but I've been working my ass off--however the realization that this town might not be where I want to be in 5 years is setting in and I'm having to forumulate a game plan to keep working towards my own happiness.

//digress--those were my ruminations

intern chick I work with walks in -- it's a sunday, I have my shirt half-unbuttoned because nobody was in the office and I had taken a nap under my desk (I'm not joking, lol) and I was a bit disheveled. I saw her give me the up and down with her eyes, and in that moment she happened to be wearing some jogging shorts and da*mn I didn't see her legs like that before and with those cute little shoes I'm thinking..humm...but I was feeling not 'in the DJ zone' given my sensitive-ruminations, and I sorta tried and played it cool and took off not lingering there in the office too long. I think when my job here ends in a few weeks I'm going to ask her to get together--until then I'll do my best to keep laying groundwork and try not to reveal too much. I would enjoy being with this ch!ck for awhile, even if it was short. She's not a 9, but its like the more I am seeing her the more attractive she becomes, and I catch her in these visual ways that at first she didn't stand out. She seems rather intelligent too and somewhat passive in her own way -- she's not some loud @ss attention wh0re gobbling up mens' attention....thus why I am beginning to become more interested...we'll see...there's a total possibility our personalities won't match at all and we'll clash or we won't share any sexual chemistry...but today on a long run I was thining, 'you sunma-b!tch should go for it at least, even if its not the woman you think you'll marry you could be passing up a good experience' -- so we'll shoot for that.

Otherwise a low-key day. Again, I am writing this stuff mostly for myself, to keep myself on track, and to keep my mind fresh in terms of perspective. This whole becoming more self-critical thing is bleeding into many other aspects beyond women. To become the man I truly wish to become, I must keep placing the lens upon myslef, my habits, my actions, my perceptions and dial into a better way of being. Otherwise this rut will just go on and on and I'd rather die an AFC fool than become a bitter son of ab!tch who gives up on pushing their own boundaries (in all aspects).

//peace

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Sometimes I can be a real @sshole. This forum doesn't help always see women in a more positive light. I was so charged up from posts here and threads, the last few days I have been a real d1ck. I came into work aggressive as fvck, the red-head I have had mad oneitis for, I was projecting out the 'hate aura' -- you know what I mean? When you're in a grumpy @ss mood and just thinkg god-awful things in your mind.

I recognized suddenly, how vile my internal narration is. Even some of my writing in these posts have been utterly vile and are an embarrassment. I had to go over and make small-talk with her. I have seen her soul after all. And that may sound cheesy, but sometimes gentleman, you just see or meet a person who is different, unique, just beautiful in their own ways. Yes we all have major faults and major problems--ultimately up to us to resolve in ourselves--but sometimes you just meet a wonderful person. Maybe you can't be with them or have sex with them or have what you want with them. But to turn into some pissy child like I was acting (within my mind) is truly weakness. I'm a grown-ass man, I can understand I can't be with every woman, and some women are taken. Luckily, life is full of many wonderful people. I have resolved to show no aggression to this woman, she has done me no wrong, it's my own weakness and my own inability to deal with my oneitis feelings that is my causation for aggression against her--she's never told me any lines nor has she led me on. I simply wished for something I couldn't have, and when I couldn't have iet I behave like a kid who's mother said 'no' to his request for candy.

Pathetic. That's how I felt.

I have to be a much greater man. There will be plenty of wonderful women I meet whom are in relationships. I don't have to tread into that territory with them--and I can't be a cheater--I don't have it in me. I would be boiling over with remorse and sadness and I might act unpredictably. I can't treat people that way.

This has been a self-observation point for myself.

Another thing I'm proud of is this other gorgeous chick I work with asked me to go 'camping'. In my mind, a 1:1 trip into the woods with a sexually active and healthy 23 year old woman is not 'camping', but 'sex' absolutely. Unfortunately she has slept around a bit and been with a friend of mine. I know he is madly in love with her and they have dates sometimes. I know she may not ultimately want to be with him--and her 'sleeping around' nature definitely bothers him. But I realized as much as I'd really really like to go to the woods and court this woman and have some amazing camping adventures...I feel like I'd just be driving a stake into my friend's heart if he was to ever find out. I can't do it to him. Others surely would. Most might. But I can't. I wouldn't be able to look him in the eyes or accept kindness from him. I would feel I did him a wrong. So I have ignored her, not taken her up on the offer, and likely will not.

Being in a small town sure sucks sometimes, in regards to the chicks who are single, you likely already know a few of their ex-lovers, and there's just so little room for experimentation. The social world here is far too small. I have to leave soon. Mid-september I'm taking off elsewhere or a few months and taking a road-trip. I've been on lock-down here for awhile and I need to do anything to get out--broaden my horizons a bit--meet some women from some different places and different scenes.

I must be giving off a quality vibe lately. I feel more female eyes. This is likely because my mindset has changed a bit in the last weeks. I am trying to view women in a positive light. This place is full of so much bitterness and hatred. That is no way to ever achieve a quality relationship--you'll be a soaring parade of red flags in your bitterness. I am trying instead to embrace life, embrace women, love all women. Sh1t, yesterday I felt like at work all these cuties who smile and talk to me--just imagine they were ALL your girlfriends and you LOVED THEM ALL and wanted the BEST for them with NO JEALOUSY and POSSESSION. The moment did not last forever, as all my years of social and familial conditioning to be monogamous, to be exclusive, to have no 'free love' took root. But man, deep inside I know I am nearly capable of that mindset. I saw a guy on Dateline who had 3-wives, whom he all loved, and whom all loved him, and even cared for each other. I like that--I wish that was my lifestyle--3 beautiful women whom I love all of, physically and sexually.

Maybe a long-shot, lol, but it exists for some. I want to learn to be less jealous, less hateful, more open-minded, less possessive or controlling within my own mind--but still have a strong foundation of self-confidence and self-trust. I want to give and do good things in this world--not simply take--I wish to return. I wish for women to be a positive and loving force in my life. Much of my suffering has been because of my own weaknesses, misunderstandings, poor actions and poor judgements. I am trying to turn the lens upon myself.

Cute waitress today literally stopped and watched me from across the room. (I think she was married, I saw a lot of rings on those fingers on her left hand). Girl at the gas station said some random sexual sh1t when I was standing behind her? I am definitely 'standing tall' and trying to 'carry myself well'.

After years of being overweight, years (10+) of exercise, I have a strong body today. But sometimes, I don't see what's in the mirror. Sometimes I still see my old high school self. I don't see my ripped muscles. My eyes instantly go to my weaknesses, the things about my body I don't like. I am trying to actively SEE my strength, to FEEL my strength, to change my self-perception so that I notice my STRENGTHS above my weaknesses. I want to focus on the best aspects of myself and make them better. To try and fix the negative ones as much as I can and have control over. And accept some of what I have no control over.

This is not easy nor do I have it all figured out. But it is in this direction I am working. I must keep shaping a strong body, must keep shaping a loving and caring mind, must find my sense of self and inner-confidence. I know I have very real and positive things to contribute to this world. My roles will be important. In some ways, they already are--I see the next 20 years as being my own self-made fate if I can only not lose sight.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

"Have fun with a chick" is what I just read on another thread. Man this is the truth. You know what the problem is? Sometimes I'm not a fun person. Because I'm so g0ddamned busy trying to build a business, build my body, 'take care of sh1t'. I wish I had the $ to show my hard-work. However, I am going to have downgrade my healthcare here and make some cuts, because these bills are still too high. This economy is a p1ss @ss motherfvcker and I sure wish back in my college education I'd looked a little harder at what the jobmarket was like and what the actual income-based opportunities were with my degree. "Study what you love", "Study to learn", is what they say. Boom. OK. But now, what with this degree? In my case it was easier, my folks helped pay for my college education--if I'd had to work my @ss off for every tuition dollar, I'd probably been looking a bit harder at the return in my investment. Alas, this is life, these are the cookies, I've learned a lot along the way, I don't regret it. And my lifestyle now is quite interesting. But I consider going back to teaching about nature...man this is my passion...this computer work leaves me ___dry___, isolated at weird hours...and speaking with mostly: computers. This is no way to live. Change is in the air and I think, nay, I believe these next months shall deliver.

"Have fun with a chick". What chick wants to hear about that bullshz? Not a one. Thus why we must must must be in a happy mental place. We must be seeking the most out of life. We must enjoy ourselves, our lives. If we do not enjoy ourselves and our lives we must change the variables or take corrective action. Life is far too short.

Today climbing on sandstone millions of years old I realize that man, we're all just a droplet, a smear, a momentary humming of existence. Yet at the same time on our level, the clock can seem to drag along, the prospect of being 80 or 90 years old sure seems like a life-time away (perhaps it is a lifetime). There are no guarantees to that sort of length of time, and in some ways, I don't know if I 'd want to be alive then. What will things be like then? I'm not always optimistic (maybe another one of my problems with the women). But what are we, but the moments left ticking away, as we near closer to our own return to the earth, nothing escapes the grasp of time, my youthful skin now and my body will age, moment by moment, day by day, seemingly hardly passing, and some-day, I'll be all gone.

That's okay. That's why we're here, that's why I'm here to live and learn and do the absolute most that I can to be the very best fvcking man that I can. And that includes the aspect of women. Because I refuse to become shut-up and shut-in and become some g-ddamned hermit who simply 'accepts' his failure. No. The fat-man who accepts his fatness, cannot change. The women-struggler who accepts he is a failure, cannot change. You can change. You will change. You have already begun to change. There is no stopping, and just as that sandstone formed grain by grain, and that wall solidified with the ticking of the clock (well , clocks weren't around then -- you need humans to have clocks), so too my mind must change thought by thought, until something new and hard and strong exists.

Last night I was tormented by bad dreams. I dreamt of two ex-girlfriends, I dreamt of an old friend whom I had a falling out with over heavy substance use, I dreamt of going bald, lolz, all sorts of awful subconscious gunk that just came spewing out into my dream-world (I didn't ask for this 5hit, I just wanted to rest) and I was tossing and turning all night thinking about this 5hit. I woke up and just had to go chill by the river. Stare and listen and clear my mind from all the negative fresh dream imagery still there, just like I just came from that world. It wasn't pleasant. And I really felt down in the dumps man, just like 'wtf, I can't even escape this 5**** in my dreams'.

This leads me to recognize that deep in my psyche I must purge out this non-sense and replace it with something else.

My life has been a difficulty with women, and I haven't always viewed them in a positive light because of my failures. Well, that time must come to an end. I must see women in a positive light, I must understand the nature of things, the way of things, I must understand that there are many types of people, the generalizations on this forum do not hold in all aspects of real-life--I must determine my own boundaries and understandings based on my own moral principles. I must interpret this all and make sense of it for myself in my own style.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

What the hell is with this one-itis stuff? Where does this come from? Clearly, the genuine desire to care about another person exists, or we wouldn't have this one-itis stuff. To some degree that could be biologically wired--to care about others, men, women, children, etc, etc--but every once and awhile I just sort of lose grips on the situation. I get so dam.ned lonely that I truly crave genuine care. I have not slept with many women -- since 19 losing my virginity, I've slept with 4 women in the course of these last 9 years. Two were LTRS, one was a random hookup, and the other was a chick I would have liked to have been in an LTR with, but I went beta and blew it.

Deep down inside I do not crave having sechs with many many women. Maybe this makes me weak as a man. I don't know. I've always wanted 'closeness of heart' with the women I've been with. I've turned sex down with women who I didn't feel a connection to, or who were coming on too strong at the time where I was not comfortable with the escalation. Part of this might be due to the discomfort I had 'being sexual' or being with my sexuality, which in these years I have come to far more embrace. Back then I was far less comfortable with myself.

I just get so discouraged. Deep down inside I wish to 'love' someone beyond just having intercourse. I do not know how to find love, I do not think I am able to hunt it out. Somehow I have to learn to be patient. Clearly, if I don't approach any women or feel out the relationship, there is absolutely no way to find love, as I'm "putting myself out there". I have been much more this last month, but I do have this sort of romantic notion in my mind. I don't know if its absolute garbage. My father told me he didn't want to get married until it was with someone he "really loved". He waited until he was 32-34 or somewhere in that range. He went through many girlfriends and had a few proposals he declined. That is some intense sh1t. The prospect of going 10-15 years, maybe forever, sifting through women...seems like such an incredible incredible hurdle to overcome. Am I merely weak? Am I merely looking for the easy way out? It is surely possible. But at the same time in my gut it feels life and relatiosnhips should not be this way inherently--but this is likely my naeivity from growing up in a rather stable and loving home. This itself is a gift that I should be thankful for.

I don't understand what's so dam.n polluted about my mind. Last week I had two horrible dreams, which I believe I outlined in one of my posts--but it was all these negatives, fears, weaknesses in my subconscious just bubbling up and I woke up seriously shaken up and my heart and brain was all twisted up.

I truly love women. But when we feel like a failure, when we feel 'forever alone', when it seems those who express interest are merely looking at my body vs. my 'inner-self', I truly get discouraged. I don't always know how to maintain a positive attitude. My lack of success and my past failures breeds anger, and this anger puts me in a sour place all together.

Ever have days where you just feel like a total un-loved loser? That's how I feel. I don't know how to find someone I genuinely trust and respect and care for, and whom gives the same back. I may never. That is a real possibility. I may have to learn to be content with STRS, ONS and just accept that this is my life. I look back--I have been mostly alone my adult life, and even in my youth I didn't date due to being overweight as a kid. My self-esteem was trashy.

But these aren't excuses. My mindset right now is simply dark and sad. I'm tired of being sad. I might even meet some great women and generate quality attraction, but in the end she may simply walk away -- I may or may not even have done anything truly wrong. But sometimes we just get tired of losing over and over and over and over -- makes me want to throw in the towel.

My mind is a sh1tpile today. I need a victory somehow. Some chick I can just enjoy and be with without all the mental rumination, the past hurt, just enjoy a woman and her body and her mind and move on. I need something like this soon. Else, I may just lose my mind all together. I don't want to be a bitter man. I want to be a strong and loving and positive man -- a man who accomplishes his dreams and goals and reaches always towards a better version of himself.

Sometimes easier said than done. Today I struggle. Perhaps tomorrow I shall not. I can overcome. I will overcome. I will be successful in the ways I wish.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

There are bigger fish to fry. Following passions, following hobbies, finding things that really matter and driving towards them full-speed. Life is precious and fragile and not long lasting although it may seem so. There is no real time to sit and chase women around--the real truth must be to chase that which you need and want to survive, fiscally, emotionally, mentally, physically. These should be our pursuits. Pursue that which can provide and nourish you--that which can build you a good life.

And that is how you find women. To chase women is like chasing the breeze. You're never going to grasp it, you're going to run about all over the place, and you'll never have anything.

I love women, and I have been working to see them much more in a positive light. So many become embittered and negative and hateful, and this only furthers their own erosion. The feminin is beautiful and some of thse women are very strong, loyal and beautiful.

A true don juan is not a negative cold-hearted hateful basatrd. This notion has become skewed on this forum. A true don juan loves and appreciates women for what they are, for their nature, and understands their nature. Jives with their nature.

The average man is too lazy to make any attempt to understand the feminine mindset. When he fails he blames outwards, he blames her, he fails to look at his own mindset, his own doings, his own responsibilities that led to his failure. And he becomes angry and views all women as failures when in truth it is himself that is the failure. And so he repeats his pain again and again.

What is it exactly that we men expect? Perhaps we too are disillusioned with the social teachings of what women are supposed to provide. Many men wish for their women to be sex machines, in amazing shape -- and then fail to set the same bar for themselves. Are they, as men, working to stay in amazing shape? Are they too working to be 'sex machines' for their women? One thing we could all learn to do is remove double standards.

Women AND men wonder why relationships are so hard--but it is because things will always be hard when they are perceived as a war (a war between the sexes) or a conquest to be won. (What do you truly win?).

Women AND men wonder why relationships are so hard--when the economy is in a recession, when creating a strong income for many college graduates, etc, seems so distant--you can't just go get a job at the factory and support a family anymore these days...the basic cost of living is rising and rising and rising...

So there are skewed perceptions across the board, there are difficult economic circumstances, how then and why then would we expect relationships not to be so difficult?

A woman's worth must be justified either by her (a) career or her (b) familial roles -- some women want it both. How feasible is this for the average non-Type I-personality?

America, land of Unrealistic Expectations

(peak oil anyone?)

...

So It IS what it IS. That's a common phrasing. But I feel it. It rings true. "It is what it is". Now that we know the concrete from the sky -- what are we going to do with our actions?

***

Met Romanian chick again last night -- man she is a strange woman, seemed b1tchy already, god-help anyone who gets roped in with her. Clear and definitive NEXT.

Odd uber-christian girl seemed horny -- no thanks -- long talks about jesus make me tired and dull and eventually hostile.

Little woman in all black named Kelly -- cute, interested in me, saw her talking to some strange ass dude tho whom she may have had a past with...no thanks...dude was a creep! If she banged him that's a turnoff!

Red-head -- I will always love you in my one-itis way. It's my secret. You are truly a strong and incredible woman. Rare (and taken) --

***

Do not be unhinged - Some women will try and unhinge you with their crazy antics and games. Keep your mind calm my brother, for the eye of the hurricane is where there is peace. Being swept up and tossed about will leave you thrown down and confused. Fear not, the winds tug at us all, but enough rides around the rollercoaster you will understand the real seat is back at the station.

Build thy Station and let thy Station serve you well. For a man only has himself, his castle and the people that love him. To have all else, we must maintain Ourselves.

Goals: +$, yo necessito deniro much, +exercise, muscles feel good--peace in the mind--agitation makes me restless--acceptance--some things I will never control.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

One day at a time is all we really have--thinking too far ahead or lingering in the past doesn't help much. Today is now and now is this moment and this moment is mine and I'm awake.

Word.

Awake and alive and focused and trying to find that special niche I know that I am capable of creating. Being a business man is a struggle for my personality. Secretly, I hate money, and I hate computers, and I wouldn't mind seeing both disappear from the world all together sometimes.

But this journal is my path to being wiser and stronger and a more honed and chiseled man.

Updates...updates...

Well, I farted next to a woman the other night and truly humiliated myself--LOL--this is posted elsewhere. I couldn't sechs her anyways a friend of mine has the diggs for her, but g0ddamn she is inviting and warm and well, we were in this little secret closed in space she showed me, and I'm certain I could have kissed her..I was fighting it...my friend digs this girl, can't do it to him...and you know what I did instead? I FARTED>> LOL -- well I may have naturally repelled her and my bud has nothing to worry about now. LOL. I was so embarassed I truly didn't know what to say -- it sort of slipped out, I had needed to fart for like an HR but was holding it in...it was a silent and deadly one and I felt like such a jokster! LOL but it's all good...and truly I think she is the type who would laugh at something like this...in retrospect of course...

I am getting looks as I have been pursuing fitness. Truly I don't want a woman to value me only for my body. "Keep your eyes up here thank you" is what I'd like to say. It is flattering however, and it is proof that 10 years of busting my ass has been paying off. But ultimately, I am not in a place wehre I can facilitate a relationship. I don't have enough $, my business is struggling--I don't know if I really like my business anymore, my passion is not there--I have love for music, writing, nature, ecology--I want to do positive things in these realms. But the Almighty Dollar keeps Calling and Shouting and Demands attention and so I give to the Dollar yet my life is still not right and I still do not have dollars and I am still not entirely happy with my work or where I am.

I want to get to a point where I truly love what I do. I want that to be my mission--something a bit larger than myself and indulging in material things all day long--------I want to leave something positive------I want to contribute and help in the microchasms that I can-----I want to leave something better when my life is done than it was before my life was.

Family and friends are a focus. Trying to be just all-around better to people. I judge--I hastenly judge--I label people...I have to work to open up and be more accepting. Hard to do when arseholes are everywhere and selfishness is the American Way.

All for ME. Individuality Bloated and Blown Up as big as Balloon...but it's all HOT AIR....

This selfish world reflects that. The natural world and natural resources are sucked like a vaccum cleaner. The fracking occuring out west is damaging ground water in very complex ways. These chemicals they flush down into the fissures they make (to extract natural gas and oil) become highly mobile and these compounds do not degrade. This is one of the bigger threats to human and environmental health in our generation around here...and its' totally stamped with APPROVAL from the major government land agencies, like the Bureau of Land Management.

Even for those in Natural Resources....the Almighty Dollar Weighs and Reigns Supreme, Trumping all else.

This is discouraging.

What woman wants to hear about this? Some do. Well, this is my mind....gotta find the woman who likes my mind....it is deep and vast and cross-connected...must flex the mind muscle like my biceps...must get stronger...must widdle myself down and distill myself into something potent of Immense Quality.

The journey continues.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

There is more that we do not know than what we do know, and every day I am reminded about this peculiar nature of life. Despite the shifting of appearances and the changing nature of things, I have found some improved success--I think--. Romanian girl I have seen yet again and you know she has been growing on me, lol, her firey nature is actually respectful, she doesn't seem to be slvtty and she doesn't seem to fvck people around. IF anything her attitude is because she has been fvcked around enough.

I am a classic at judging situations before I gain all of the information. In fact, even when I think I have all of the information sometimes I am wrong. I do not know how to overcome this exact portion of my personality beyond learning to 'refrain my judgement' -- which is nearly impossible in this world, or in any place where you have to survive amidst the crazies around you. But daymn, my understandings in life are always so partial.

I have not fully shaken the one-itis of the red-head. Sometimes she is just so dam.n supportive and amazing I just can't help but be fascinated by her. But I hit the same friction again and again, and ultimately I know even if a woman is dissatisfied in her relationship, it's never a clean move onto a fresh one--I understand, and I struggle, in my gut I believe her to be a good person, I must treat her so, despite my ill-mind. I don't know how to fully shake it--being around other women and gaining IOI helps, but when those waves recede again I always think of her. Bummer. So few women can do what she does though--her physical and mental strength is something I truly am fascinated with. Despite the desire of many others to sort of serve as 'daddy' over their girlfriends...I always keep wishing to find an equal in terms of strength....I have a strong mind ... so few women seem genuinely interested in developing their minds (maybe attractive girls never really have to....they develop their oral skills instead..or their slvt skills..)...but finding a smart self-respecting woman with a strong mind is like a killer turn-on for me....dumb women make my wenis go soft....

My business is up and down then up and down then up again. I have reconized and been explictely told in my business relationship that I give more and wrok harder and the effort might not be able to be matched. Everyone has different capacities. I cannot fight for another's strength. But now I am in a rock and a hard place in a sense, as I can't depend on my partner to deliver exactly what we need--he is still working at developing many aspects of himself--I love the guy as he has been my friend for 15 years, and I can't turn my back on him, but I recognize now to stop wasting time and to start pushing other routes.

When placing bets in life, always bet on Thyself. I have not found placing our needs onto others is returned. Often times we don't get back what we had expected. This might be because we all have differing capacities. In running a business we unfortunately need to depend upon others to fulfill their roles--and this just makes things tough all around.

One things I am most fortunate for is a good family who has helped me when I have struggled most.

I hope I remember this when I am older, when I am less vulernable than I am now--I hope I remember the times when someone truly helped me and saved me from a certain and greater level of suffering...which may have nourished and fed the worst parts of myself and my mind...

I do not know if human nature is inherently good or bad, but it is certain that some aspects and conditions can bring about one or the other...the world would be much better if enlisted a study on some of the basic principles that alleviate those pressures that lead people to murder, steal, rape, etc--I think much of it is desperation, lack of outlets for what they need...and the pain and burden becomes too much...manifesting into mental sickness....there are of course some biological-crazies out there, but I think most crime is because our society loves to nourish the things that put people into desperation.

If people struggled less for money, struggled less for a sense of place in their community...things wouldn't be so fvcked up. Instead we got a pack of wolves on this earth, each hoarding up their own--and those who are supposedly "in charge" (politicians, religious leaders, etc) are the greediest of the bunch...trying to trick others into following their little fcked and selfish worldview...

Manipulation is the Name of the Game...this world is Theatre and we're all audience and participants...some day maybe 1000 years from now we'll overcome this dark era of human greed and destruction of our biosphere. I won't hold my breath anytime soon.

WOMEN--what does this have to do with women? Well, it's clear that when you aint where you want to be, the woman thing sure is a lot harder. When you are WHO you want do be, doing WHAT you enjoy...suddenly it's a lot easier...suddenly those good things become nourished...suddenly those demons in our minds and those skeletons don't seem so powerful anymore...

If this world gave more people the opportunity to do what they wanted to do, so many people would be so much happier--so many people would have better relationships...

We breed hyper-individuality and selfishness..and wonder why our relationships suffer...

Values--where did these go?

//digress.

< So the real question becomes >

--How do I get to where I want to be professionally?
--What are my greatest skills and how can I nourish them?
--What are my greatest weaknesses, what brings them about, and how I can most downplay and heal them?
--What does being a strong man in a relationship mean to me? How do I shape myself as such?
--How do I start putting my bets and my efforts fully on MYSELF?

--How do I bypass FEAR and COWARDICE......with women....suddenly my steam gets sucked away..I feel like that 16 year old insecure kid I was once was all over again...spice taht up with emotional pain and bitterness from past relationships...well...what a load of apprehension and insecurity...MUST BYPASS this MINDSET and find DEEPENED CONFIDENCE.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I moved back to the Seattle area. I was tired of the endless isolation I was experiencing in the small mountain town I was in.

I have much work to do still with women. I know that I am attractive. I know I have a lot of potential. I feel with the next 10 years I'll be an even greater man. I know where I need to be, but I am not there yet. I know I have to put in more hard work. At times my motivation wanes. But I must keep that motivation strong--cannot fail--cannot fail against the battles within my own self.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Has been awhile since I've updated. I've been living in the Seattle area the last 3 months basically out of my chevy rigged with a cot. Have been doing a lot of hiking and exploring and reconnecting with old friends. Have been working on developing my business. However have been reduced to public places for internet access and my travels here are going to have to end soon -- am basically burning out on endurance and feeling worn. I haven't been putting myself out there enough -- have still been reclusive -- my life just ain't where it needs to be and I really do desire sex and closeness but right now I don't see how this is feasible when I have so much work I need to be focusing on.

Am working on improving my attitude all around and this is not an easy task. I've got some mental junk to work through to really keep cleansing myself and healing. I can't interact with the world from a damaged place mentally.

I ask myself -- to myself: What is the reward? What is the goal? How are you going to get there?