JOURNAL: My Battle With Oneitis

[B. Fierce]

Hmmm.... this looks interesting:

And then her birthday happened. A night where all of her friends were to be there and then... me. They all expected to see a defeated Kailex, just the residual ashes after the roasting she had given me some time ago. I showed up, and NO ONE recognized me and the reaction was unanimous. They all loved the new me. I could see the looks I was getting... and I could tell all those months of hard work and reading, were going to pay off... but could I pull it off? Could I be the proverbial phoenix rising from the AFC ashes?

Hell yes.

All of her friends were telling me how good I looked and how much Flakey was digging the new me as I danced with each one... until I grabbed Flakey, twirled her around and planted a kiss right on her lips. I think the world stopped to the sound of a gina tingling. I smiled and she reacted but I didn't let her say a word. I knew she was regretting having flaked on me twice... and then she said it:

"I'm so sorry that I ditched on you twice, but I was afraid to be at the same place alone with you..."

"I know Flakey, that's why I call you Flake Girl on an internet forum..."

(Well, I didn't say all of that, but I did say: I know.)

She ran off, happily entertaining other guests while her best friend approached. In all honesty, Flakey is an HB-7 on her best day. Her BFF is an HB-9. And in the oddest of moves, BFF decided she'd go from trying to hook us up... to trying to break us up, in the span of 2 hours.

She proceeded to tell me about Flakey's current male interest and how she had always said that she never wanted anything with me and that she really had wished I hadn't shown up that night. Her venom was rapid-fire. I smiled it all off, acting surprised. But I really wasn't. One by one, Flakey's friends fired away, stating their case as to why I should take each one to bed. 3 out of 4 did that. Amazing.

Flakey came back, thinking I had to qualify myself to her and began to play hot and cold... until she told me that she was leaving... at 1 AM... REALLY? I didn't say a single thing, and she looked almost disappointed. Ah, poor Flakey, how easy it was for you to drop me quicker than a kid drops a new toy after playing with it only once... and now, you were all over me.

Big mistake. You left your BFF there with me.

Guess who I woke up next to the next day?

:crackup:

After the bolded line I didn't have to read anymore.

Props for mindfuc *ing the flaker. Props for "waking up" with her hotter friend.

It is good to see someone on So Suave who is actually using the site to change himself instead of looking for pity.

:rockon:

 

[garruk]

Women have girlfriends and boyfriends. If you're not banging her, you're her girlfriend.

You bypassed the sexual arousal and physical phase and moved straight into comfort and rapport. You went so far as to presume you had a relationship with her. If you're not banging her, you don't have a relationship.

Familiarity is anti-seductive, never forget that. The definition of 'desperation' for women is knowing a man has no other options for intimacy besides her. Remember, there's nothing more sexy to a woman than a man who other men wish they were and other women want to ƒuck. The minute a woman becomes familiar enough with you to even indirectly estimate that your only sexual option is her, that fantasy is dispelled. And that's indirectly; when you overtly broadcast it to all the world on every station that she's your only option, you just hasten your LJBF rejection because you confirm it for her.

It's really an insult to a woman; to be interested in a guy she thinks other men would like to be and other women would want to ƒuck, only to have him overtly tell her, either directly or by his actions, I'm not really that guy and you were foolish to think I might've been. Remember, women are hypergamous; they only want the best possible candidate to ƒuck and share parental investment with. And until it's confirmed that you're not she has no reason not to think your attention is a commodity.

I predict Mai will LJBF you within the next 2 weeks.

This is probably the truest but hardest to hear statement ive read in a long time.

 

[garruk]

Kailex,

you've mentioned that monogamy is not the goal but a last resort, and while i think that is a good mentality to have, i also feel like that is just something you are telling yourself.

whats your goal in life? becoming a successful and happy person has other attributes aside from jsut finding love. For instance, every presidential candidate has to have a family, just to show that they are settled and stable in that aspect of life. Maybe, (just an idea) finding monogamy IS the goal, JUST so that you can move on to other things in life. Like your career or a family.

Time is really the only commodity anyone has, and if your spending it all on finding/juggling girls it leaves less of it to other things. jsut an idea.

 

[garruk]

im sorry to highjack your thread, but ive had another idea/question.

in your story here, you mention that you are going to cut off contact with this girl in order to rebuild your relationship.

while it makes sense on paper, do you really think it is a possibility?

for instance, in my own expereicen (which obviously spans for a shorter period of time than yours because i am younger), when a girl has interest in you and loses it. Its pretty much lost for good.

I had one experience in high shcool where a girl dropped me, only to want me again a year later but that was like a year later. seirously a long period of time. lol.


in most cases, i feel that the interest is lost, and if it IS possible to get it back, its not something that comes back in 5-7 days. what reason do you have to think that this is any different? i might have missed something so bear with me if the question seems stupid.

 

[Kailex]

Actually, you haven't missed anything Garruk.
I know your question is related to the original situation with Mai.

I pulled off the scarcity for about 3 days upon which she called me and said that he really wanted to see me.

I THINK I figured out what Rollo meant about monogamy being a last resort and about being LJBFed in a week...

You see, I was treating this girl as the main course, treating her as if I wanted to push towards an LTR when realistically we were only 2 months in and at that point hadn't had sex yet. Had I continued on my path at the time, it WAS going to happen.

But Rollo's post opened up my eyes and made me realize that I was already putting myself into an LTR without the actual LTR. I was trying to push for it, when in reality, me and Mai hadn't even shared a night at bed.

Ever since then, my mentality has switched up. We still have a date here and a date there, but now she is beginning to push towards the LTR while I'm the one now with the lower IL.

Would I like to head into an LTR? At some point, but right away, no.

I have gone back to spinning plates, but with less emphasis on any particular person. I'm more focused on my career right now and possibly picking up a second part-time job in order to fulfill a few goals that I have for myself. To be honest, all my plates dropped again and I am currently only seeing Mai, but I don't jump at the chance to see her... I don't over-think any of our situations, I don't sit at home wondering if she's gonna call me that day or any of that... I have other stuff to do that occupies my mind and time.

I do greatly enjoy my time with her and we've definitely moved forward since then, but I no longer worry about what could be or whether I am missing out on life because I am seeing her. If I want to do something, I do it. If I want to do something with her, I do it.

My POV has switched completely from trying to lock her up to having her maybe eventually... try to lock me up.

When I disappeared for a few days, she thought I was going to LJBF her and since then, has kept her IL spinning at all time highs. That was a month ago and its still going strong. What's funny is that she told me the story of how she was surprised that I didn't want a second date with her after an abysmal first date... that that's what really hooked her about me, that I wasn't desperate for another date with her, something that had turned her off about every other man in the past. At some point, I lost that and went into borderline oneitis, but through SoSuave and some self-realization came to realize that I needed to respin this and become the Kailex she met... not that Kailex that was failing the active test.

And as far as goals are concerned, I want to be successful at my job, continue to lose weight and continue to help others at SoSuave!
What I really wish I could do... is play basketball at the high level I used to again, but we all can dream, right?

And eventually... a family and children. But I won't be ready for the latter until I'm the Kailex I want to be and not the Kailex I used to be.

 

[amoka]

Kailex, It seem you're going a bit slow with this girl. It is has been at least six (6) weeks now since you two started something... yet no sex and you're still with her? Hope it works out well for you but I personally would have dropped her long time ago... maybe that's why I am still single.

 

[Kailex]

Kailex, It seem you're going a bit slow with this girl. It is has been at least six (6) weeks now since you two started something... yet no sex and you're still with her? Hope it works out well for you but I personally would have dropped her long time ago... maybe that's why I am still single.

I had actually forgotten about this thread and decided to take a gander.

amoka, I wish I could say it was 6 weeks, but in all honesty, it has been MUCH longer than 6 weeks. It's actually been about, 3 months?

Is this wrong for letting it go on this far? Of course, it is. No sane man would ever let any "relationship" of this sort go on for this long without bedding the girl. Am I advocating the "get to know her before you get laid" aspect of this? Absolutely not. In fact, I've advised many people against what I am doing.

But to be honest, my tone and my POV from when this thread started has changed drastically. I no longer see her as my oneitis, but instead, as a long standing social proof. Right now, she is just someone fun to be with whenever I don't have any other plans... FWB if you will. She's attractive and has a great personality but I am not going to be emotionally invested in her anymore, simply because I don't care anymore.

You see, in the past weeks I have been doing some researching in SoSuave and came across quite a few gems from Rollo and Victory Unlimited. My realization was that everytime I was entering into the area of courtship with a woman... I thought of each one as "relationship potential".

This assessment was wrong, each and every time. It suddenly hit me that my problem was the realization of me becoming 30 soon and that I was becoming one of those guys who was thinking "My time is running out". In reality, my time is just beginning. As I continue to pick up plates and drop others, Mai has remained as a consistent "fun factor" on the side... basically, a control plate to help me battle oneitis from all other plates. Now the roles are reversed.

My mind has shifted from "hunt down a lifetime mate" to "have fun and enjoy life". Want to read some eye-openers, specially for some of us hovering the age of 30... read some of Rollo's earliest threads. One struck a chord with me in particular... the story of his nephew, Martin. It's been a few years since that thread, but it still rings true today. Also, I found another thread about joekerr about being in the thirties and feeling like he "HAS to have someone by his side" with an excellent response from Victory Unlimited.

It's just in the last few months that I've realized that I'd rather enjoy my time with the people who surround me than to think as each woman as a "potential LTR". Screw that, if it happens... it happens EVENTUALLY, but not anytime soon.

Right now, I have YEARS to find someone, there's no deadline or target on my head saying: It has to be before 30.

I used to get a little down when I saw that my weekends had nothing going on for them... then when I did... I'd get down because there were no potential LTR prospects in them... know what I say now... I'm going out, whether it be with friends, plates, or "sarging" on my own. Life is what I make of it and it isn't what someone else makes of me.

So, has it taken me a long time to get with her in that aspect... yes.
But like I said... it's no longer that kind of a oneitis. Maybe it is for her.
And although this might sound ridiculous to some... it makes sense to me. I'd have no qualms in bumping her off of any given weekend, like I did this past weekend, for other plates.

I'm just all about having fun.
I'm excited about becoming 30 in less than 6 months. It's like having an exciting second chance... which is something most men turning 30 fail to see and understand. Specially since the generations before us were all about: Being married, having a career and having children by the age of 25.

Times have changed.

 

[Kailex]

The female psyche is a dangerous thing to explore.
I just witnessed it this past weekend, with my ongoing study of Mai.

What I once believed to be a sweet and reserved woman with a hint of shyness has now turned into a cold and calculating female with relationship-sabotaging tendencies.

Quite simply, I can tell that she is the kind of person who intentionally places men into situations where they dump her.

As you've been reading throughout (if you have), she simply hasn't put out at all, and at this point, I am almost sure that she never will. I've had the peace of mind to send her to the end of the line and basically kept us as friends with kissing benefits... and let's be honest, those aren't benefits.

If you ever think "kissing benefits" is an exciting option, it's time to move on. Still, it's not that I wanted to see what makes women tick, but rather, I wanted to see female reactions to particular situations. Basically, she has become a test dummy for me, to measure and gauge different responses.

My conclusion:
She'll purposely turn the wheels on situations to sabotage any chances of a relationship, even if the man isn't looking for one.

Even the sweetest and shy ones will have their share of issues. Apparently with Mai, her issue is going past the 2 month mark with any guy. It's sad, because she is a lot of fun to be around with and she's great to talk to and blah blah blah... but, it's clear that she's the one who holds herself back within any type of a relationship.

When we first started going out... I thought her issues stemmed from other men and that they'd drop her when she wouldn't put out. She's 30 now, and although that might have been the case when she was a teenager, it seems that she is still continuing the pattern years later.

It's almost as if she wants that to happen simply because anything different than that is unfamiliar territory for her. She knows how to deal with a man who'll walk away when she won't give it up, but she doesn't know how to deal with a man who still is willing to go out with her past that mark. So now she's all sorts of insecure, because I've kept "going out with her" even after it seems almost clear that she doesn't want to take it any further.

Interesting thing to keep in mind, gentlemen. You have to have a clear grasp of any situation and a broader scope of situations. She described her past relationships, but I was going off of what she was saying it and not the HOW or whether her actions were congruent with what she was saying.

Mai is a woman doomed to a personal hell of relationship catastrophes. It's a personal level of hell that she might never be able to escape. It's a perpetual state of being...

- Meet a guy
- Give him a chance to go out
- Spend a few weeks of fun and maybe a bit of phsyical intimacy
- Don't let the man become too intimate
- Doubt the relationship and sabotage it to the point where the man has no choice but to leave
- Watch him walk away and justify it by saying: See, he left because I didn't put out.

It just seems to me that she's somewhat content to be stuck in that cycle, that she can handle it and can keep doing it. What really strikes a deep chord with me is knowing that she is at the core, not a bad person, but she'll realize how lonely she is when it's too late. I know that I must have her baffled, because I haven't walked away from her completely, but she seems to have caught on to the fact that I am going out to other places and hanging out with other people and not including her for a reason.

The funny fact about it all is that she probably thinks of me as pushing her away when in fact, it is her that is doing so throughout her actions. She's pretty much forcing people away from her and making it seem like it is all on them and not on herself.

And now I see myself on the other side of the spectrum.
I keep losing more weight, keep adding onto my social circle and doing an excellent job all around in my life.

What's the moral to this story:

Sometimes having sex just isn't about having sex.
It's a symbol of physical intimacy but also about emotional intimacy as well. If a woman won't let you into her bed after some time, she's not going to let you "in" at all in every sense of the word. She's not going to try to proceed to a next level with her, and it's not necessarily your fault. It's not something you did or said or something you didn't say or do. It could be her... and all HER.

Never let a situation like this drag on.
A woman should only get one chance... max 2 chances to state that she wants to wait. If it carries on for more than that, just remember, there are many more women out there to engage with.

Although my self-proclaimed oneitis is over as of a few weeks ago, I figured I'd keep track of this situation as a reminder of something I'd never go through again with any future plate. Let these women waste someone else's time. Life is too short to be waiting.


PS: I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. I can't get that stupid "Trolololo" song out of my head. Damn the day I followed someone's link and listened to the entire "song".

You can thank me later.

 

[JCballin88]

Hey man,

Just wanted to give you MAD props for your work on self-improvement. I'll be graduating from college next year - almost undoubtedly single - but this is the kind of stuff I want to do. Have a great job, stay healthy and active, and slowly but steadily build a social circle of guy and girls.

I've been getting really frustrated with the lack of plates in my own situation right now at school. Since I got to a small conservative, college, there are very few HB's, and the rare few attractive girls here are almost all looking for their MRS degree. This naturally turns a lot of the dudes into mega-chumps: I kid you not, there is MORE THAN ONE engaged couple here waiting for their wedding day to share their first kiss...how ridiculous is that?

It's stories like yours that keep me grounded to reality and how to stay sharp in the real world outside of this crazy bubble!

 

[todays_news]

Sorry to lay it on so thick..

But a really inspirational, eye opening, thought provoking read!

You should definitely consider writing this about more girls you get involved with from now on. Just for reflection, and who knows if you go long enough, it seems like the kind of thing that could get printed.

I'm certainly doing this for every new plate I get from now on.

 

[wait_out]

You're a pretty smart guy Kailex.

I think the trololo guy is more interesting than yet more crazy b*tches, though

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4o2okp-iWRk

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Mai is a woman doomed to a personal hell of relationship catastrophes. It's a personal level of hell that she might never be able to escape. It's a perpetual state of being...

- Meet a guy
- Give him a chance to go out
- Spend a few weeks of fun and maybe a bit of phsyical intimacy
- Don't let the man become too intimate
- Doubt the relationship and sabotage it to the point where the man has no choice but to leave
- Watch him walk away and justify it by saying: See, he left because I didn't put out.

This is a good observation, but women trapped in this cycle can only play the psychosis out for as long as their looks hold out. She'll hit the wall at some point.

Law 10: Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky
You can die from someone else's misery— emotional states are as infectious as diseases. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.

How long are you going to keep playing savior for your ONEitis? How many legitimate opportunities have you wasted in the 3+ months you've been waiting for this to "pan out"? Lets call a spade a spade, she's not your "case study" she's your ONEitis.

 

[Kailex]

Wow, I don't know what my last entry sparked, but I got quite a few comments and PM's.

I've gotten a few questions and comments as to seeing what happens next, and I'd hate to disappoint some, but sadly, my tale with Mai has come to an end. My last post was intended to be an ill-fated swan song.

On Sunday evening I sat down with my best friend, had a few beers and talked about the situation. He basically made a point that I was thinking someone would make in this thread, and of course, Rollo delivered.

Let me backtrack first on what I said:

Never let a situation like this drag on.
A woman should only get one chance... max 2 chances to state that she wants to wait. If it carries on for more than that, just remember, there are many more women out there to engage with.

Although my self-proclaimed oneitis is over as of a few weeks ago, I figured I'd keep track of this situation as a reminder of something I'd never go through again with any future plate. Let these women waste someone else's time. Life is too short to be waiting.

I'm done with Mai. There is no further "study" to be made out of her. I had myself convinced that I wasn't looking to get anything out of her and I was only lying to myself. My best friend essentially summarized everything into this:

"What's worse, the person with all the issues and can't take a step forward, or the person who sticks around just to see what happens?"

You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved, nor save themselves. Through my conversation with him, I came to realize what I was bringing down on myself. I'm done with it and since Sunday I've moved on. She's called and she's emailed me.

Right now she's going through the motions of thinking that something is wrong with me, something happened. In two or three more days, she'll come to realize that I've moved on and that we'll never be seeing each other again. In about four to five days, she'll just chalk me up as another on her long list of scorned potentials. She won't see that it's her doing this... which unintentionally answer Rollo's seperate thread about Single + Hot = Crazy.

And onto Rollo's point:

The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.

How long are you going to keep playing savior for your ONEitis? How many legitimate opportunities have you wasted in the 3+ months you've been waiting for this to "pan out"? Lets call a spade a spade, she's not your "case study" she's your ONEitis.

You're right, and that's why the situation is done and over with. So much of my time has been wasted with the unfortunate. It's much better to start anew with the happy and fortunate... a NEW clean slate is better than a troubled one. You basically said the same thing my best friend did. There is no more panning out to wait for, there is no more "case study" and as effectively as 48 hours ago, this thread just serves as a reminder.

It's simply not worth wasting anymore of my energy on this situation, no matter how I want to label it. By having spent more time with her, I have effectively removed any chances of throwing better plates into the rotation. Whether it was because of a misguided attempt of trying to be a white knight of sorts or whether I was wanting to see if she could possibly turn this around. She won't. She can't. She's like the hamster on the wheel. She'll keep that wheel turning and I feel sorry for the next unfortunate soul on her list. I should have completely bolted as soon as I saw the inner workings of her mind. It's funny because in the beginning, she said she'd never really been in a relationship, and I thought it was because of the MEN in her past, unwillingly and reluctantly not wanting to accept the fact that it was HER laying C4 to any possible foundation of a relationship.

This is a good observation, but women trapped in this cycle can only play the psychosis out for as long as their looks hold out. She'll hit the wall at some point.

I think that secretly, I might have been holding out to see if I could be that wall. But no, that's a notion I've given up on. There is nothing more than toxicity when it comes to being around her. There's no "good", there's no "hope" in that situation and as such, I walk away from it. She won't hear from me again. My resources are better spent elsewhere. I should have been above this situation, but I was letting it slowly drag me back into the cold, dark abyss. I've come back now and that first gasp of air is always the most refreshing.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7

It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never what you thought it was.

As an addendum I should add that this also applies to trying to figure out a woman's mental situation. It is always time and effort better spent in developing new prospects than it ever will be in attempts to psychoanalyze a woman into an ill-conceived LTR.

 

[In$tinct]

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7

It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never what you thought it was.

That is great stuff, RT! Damn near deserves its own thread.

 

[Kailex]

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7
As an addendum I should add that this also applies to trying to figure out a woman's mental situation. It is always time and effort better spent in developing new prospects than it ever will be in attempts to psychoanalyze a woman into an ill-conceived LTR.

Totally agree now.
It's just not worth it at all to try to mold someone to the ideal of what you think she could be, when the reality is... she'll never become that, no matter how hard we try.

It's just easier to drop the situation and find someone who resembles something closer to what we are looking for than to try to "fix" the current situation. I wasted time and effort whenever I even spoke to her, time and effort I could have used not only on other women, but on improving myself.

Day #4 with NC.

The assimilation stage has started for her. I already received a text saying that she knows by now that I am not talking to her again, but to please reconsider.

It begins.
I'm not responding, not being sucked into that world. I just deleted it and have been going on with my day. In about 1 - 3 days, she'll probably be a little more hateful in her texts/calls in order to begin the process of victimizing herself, thus creating an image in her mind of me being an emotional perpetrator that has abandoned the situation, just as every other man before me. It's something that I am better off not dealing with.

I, however, am looking forward to the weekend and not being home almost at all. Going to be going out with a group of people and their extended social circles on Friday. Should be a good time to meet new people. And the same is going on, on Saturday.

Things should be looking up for me without this aura of negativity surrounding me.

 

[Kailex]

It's been more than a week and Mai is nothing more than a mere shadow in my life, a whisper that was once a weak blip on my radar.

In the last 7 days or so, she's left me the type of voicemail messages I expected. She's gone from concern to denial to her own version of closure. She's moved on she says.

Good.

I've moved on already from my "experiment" called a oneitis.

I've since gone out and expanded my social circle, still continuing to hit the gym and to just overall improve myself. Expanding my social circle, even when it includes my co-workers, has been very key to me. I've been hanging out with a 23 year old co-worker who has introduced me to a PLETHORA of her female friends. To every single one, she's introduced me as if she were some sort of match-maker. Since then, I've gone out with one of them. It's been a blast with this girl, since she's into "life"... and when I mean life, I mean DOING things, going out, enjoying the weather... and well, sexing the Kailex.

I've also started going out with a Puerto Rican girl I met a week ago at a social bar while I was watching the Lakers game. I usually go out by myself, specially for Lakers' games. I was completely into the game so I really wasn't aware of my surroundings. I didn't even notice her next to me. She was there with a female friend just chatting up a storm.

I was having fun watching the Lake Show pulverize the Jazz and I guess I came off as a guy into his own world, enjoying a beer and enjoying his time. She moved in and made a snide remark about Kobe Bryant. I had to rebuttal, and it went from there. Ended up with a number close. Already went out last night and had a great night with her. You know it's going to be a good night when she shows up at your place with a six-pack of the beer you were ordering the day she meets you. Hand delivered Blue Moon. Excellent start to an excellent night.

So far, two plates steadily rolling and going to work on a third tonight. It's a NICE day outside and as soon as I get out of work, I hope to enjoy it and then out on the prowl with some of my social circle. Hopefully Plate #3 will get introduced to me or I'll have to walk up to her myself.

Now, the original object of this thread has been flamed out of my past and my live embarks on new, different, and saner paths. It's definitely stuck in the back of my head, and I'll no longer be that guy that waits for the 9th, 10th, 11th date to fulfill my sexual desires, no matter how many other plates I might be spinning. There's a reason for many of the concepts, that this forum is built upon, that are in place here in SoSuave. Most people are resistant to some of them, because they "sound wrong"... even I, after a long time was hesitant to adhere to some, but now I know why it makes sense.

Having to wait for sex... makes no sense.

 

[Kailex]

I keep debating on whether I should keep this thread going or not, simply since the original situation is no longer a situation at all. Mai is no longer a part of my life, nor will she ever be again, but the number of responses and PMs I've gotten about this thread have compelled me to continue this thread and keep it alive.

So I figured I'd continue with a next piece within this thread:

What I did right:

My ex... my last LTR was probably the best relationship I've ever been in. But, she didn't fulfill me as a person, she didn't make me completely happy. Yes, she was good to me and yes she understood and listened to me, but that isn't always enough for someone.

A thread from another person has prompted me to write this, simply because, we cannot settle. No matter what the situation is, we cannot allow ourselves to waste away in a relationship that isn't up to our standards, based on fear.

Even before I had read about this board, I was doing everything right with my ex. I was essentially a DJ with her, without even knowing it.

I had the C&F down, I had the neg-hits, and I had the non-caring attitude down perfectly. Essentially, she was always the one coming after me. She was always worried that I'd be taken away from her by another woman. It was the perfect set-up... which made me realize that the more power you give a female, the more prone you are to the oneitis. Once you start caring too much, you will find yourself slipping into that dark abyss. None of this happened with her, and in the end, it was I that walked away from the relationship.

Even after it was done, she wanted to continue being my friend, but an ex is an ex for a reason. The only time I ever came close to a oneitis with her was when I broke up with her once... and after a month of having no other options, I started having doubts and regrets about breaking up with her. I missed her simply because I had nothing else to latch on to. I had hobbies and I had things to do, but emotionally I was missing NOT HER, but the thought of being around her.

Yes, it's nice to have someone around, but if the person isn't adding to your life, then she isn't worth it. She loved me, very much, but she wasn't one for goals, she didn't care about her future, she didn't care too much about herself... she always "lived in the now". It seemed like she wanted to commit to marriage at some point, but that I would have to shoulder the entire load. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. If I'm with someone, I'll take the lead, but I won't hold the entire weight of the relationship on my shoulders... not all by myself.

Still, I had all of the applications down of the modern DJ that we so advocate, but in the end, I didn't care. I knew I would be happier on my own. She still texts me and calls me to see how I am doing. I'm pretty sure she had a major breakdown the day I took her and her friends off of my Facebook. She's probably heard of me going out with other women, and I'm fine with that. It's her mess to deal with, not mine.

But one thing that she does represent in my life, is the perfect example, of how to hold a frame... which I kept for over 5 years.

Once I compare my situation to my ex to my situation with the girl from the original post in this thread, I can see the difference from a mile away now.

Hindsight truly is 20/20.

Now I approach my newer situations with the non-chalance of my ex-girlfriend. Sure, the women now are different and my mindset is different than when I was 21/22, but the principles remain the same. I keep my options open at all times. I always try to spin at least 2 multiple plates and have no desire whatsoever to try anymore "social experiments". I'm done... if she's not worth my time, I'm moving on immediately. I stopped over-analyzing my own situations. Any new relationship that has any sort of ridiculous drama within the first few weeks, is immediately emotionally discarded.

Like Rollo said in the beginning... monogamy is the last resort.
I no longer look at women as "LTR potentials", I just look at them for what they are... a short-term means to my own pleasure.

If anything were to happen, it'll be eventually.
I'm 29, I'm too young to be locked up already.

 

[boomerick]

K--

This is like the perfect "Anti-Disney" happy ending......

You're lucky...you've got this figured out at 29......

Seems to be a ton of growth in this post.....

Good job!!

Over and Out.

 

[terran2k]

Kailex, you're trying to pull the wool over our eyes, you're not over her. You're thinking it hurt her in someway that you took her off facebook or that you're going out with other women. keeping track of when last you had contact.

I get the feeling you're trying to say that she'll never find anyone as good as you.

Not trying to be mean or rude to you, bc I don't know you. I am trying to say what I see.

you shouldn't have any contact with her again, even phone calls to see how you're doing.

I wasn't going to say anything, but figured I read it, might as well reply to it. That Rollo guy has got you read like a book.