JOURNAL: My Battle With Oneitis

[Kailex]

Yes, friends, I've been in this wonderful forum for 3 months. I stepped back into the dating game just 3 months ago and upon my very first plate at age 29, I discovered the DJ forums. My original google search was: What to do on the third date...

About 7 hours later, I had devoured the Book of Pook and many of the advices on this forum and began retooling my inner game and my dating game. Little did I know that many of the plates that I had considered at one time to be my A-plates, would eventually fizzle into nothingness.

Enter, my current battle with an impending oneitis. I'm not saying that it WILL happen, just saying that I could. And as such, is the purpose of this journal. It's hard to believe that just two months ago, I was average 3 dates per week with different plates (Thank you Rollo) and doing quite well, shifting attentions, not becoming too attached. I did post a while back about one girl that I seemed to "like" more than the others, but it was just temporary and she promptly vanished from my life... or rather, I sent her into the NEXT-zone (Our version of Superman's Phantom Zone).

And yet, ever since the beginning of January, there was this one plate: We shall call her Mai.

You see, my story begins two months ago with her, because she was the inevitable internet hook-up. Amongst the myriad of sarges, social circle hook-ups and online dating "dates", Mai was... "different". Following YourRoyalFlyness' tips on the precise timing/method of going from online to phone to dates, I was able to get her number within 3 emails, and set up a date within the next two days.

I'll classify her an HB8, just because... she's not the usual for me. Others might classify her a little lower/higher, but that's not the point. You see, my first date with Mai was... ROUGH. I did the standard 2 hours and we chose bowling/drinks for the first date. Yes, she was very nice to look at, but she could NOT stop ragging on about my clothes, specifically, my shoes. I had worn some nice Ecko shoes, because I KNEW that we'd just be switching them for bowling shoes anyway. But, apparently they were not to her liking... or so I thought.

One out of the two hours was like this, and I KNEW that the way to counteract this was with neg-hits of my own, some C&F and to not react. I held my ground pretty well, but it left a sour taste in my mouth. By the end of the date, I could have cared less to try to kiss her. So off I went with an awkward hug and kiss on the cheek. I figured... this is a plate to drop.

I kept dating others, and 3 days went by, Mai sent me an email, thanking her for having such a great time and that we needed to do it again soon.

WHAT? Was this girl on the same date I was? I had a horrible time. How could she have had a great time? Reluctantly, I answered her email from my job and told her I had a good time as well. That was that. I figured, just another plate in the backburner... just in case, right?

A week goes by, I don't email her back. She emails me saying that she is sorry that it doesn't seem to be working out between us since I haven't emailed her (she had emailed me back again). I read that, and ALMOST felt like a douche. Honestly, it was a mixture of being busy and not really caring. Why would I want to subject myself to that again?

BUT, it's a plate. So I emailed her back, and without apologizing, I told her I had been busy, but I wanted to meet up with her again. Unfortunately, it would have to wait since I would be out of town that weekend on business affairs (We all know that's a lie and it's just a matter of all the other plates I was spinning).

Over the course of the weekend, 2 of my 3 main plates drop out of the picture and Mai is called upon from the bench. We talk on the phone to settle a date for a Sunday. Date #2: Pool.

Who is this person? She's not the same person from Date #1. She seemed happy to see me again, to be around me. But I wasn't going to let up, neg-hits, C&F, and this time, I added beer to the arsenal. This wasn't about getting a lay now (will explain in a second)... it was about restoring my pride and laying down the law as a MAN.

You see, I was caught off-guard in her emails and online profile. She came off as such a sweet and reserved person, so for Date #1, I had prepared mentally for that. When the barrage of put-downs came in, I wasn't ready. But OH, I was ready for #2 alright. Bring it on, baby. I came out swinging harder than Ali. She was my third string plate and I really didn't care about her shy personality and her reserved demeanor.

I ramped up the kino, eye contact, made sure to get in close to her, talk a little more about more personal stuff but never lose my established position as a man. So far, 0 compliments, but she wouldn't stop smiling. Even after 2 weeks of barely hearing from me, this girl was into me. I gauged her interest. I stopped the date at 2 hours and she pouted, and asked if we could play a few more games. I said I could play one more and then had to go. After all, it's a Sunday and good-looking professionals like me need to get their stuff on lockdown for the work week to come, right? The date ends, and I lead her to the car. Eff it, I had a few beers and if she rejects my advance at this point... I don't lose anything. In I went... and a kiss on the lips I received. I smirked as I walked away and said "good night".

It's on.

I'll spare you the details of Dates 3 to 7, because, they went pretty much like Date #2.

And here's where the mental mistakes begin. You see, I still had the vision of her being such an innocent and sweet girl, that I couldn't possibly envision trying to ramp up the sexual factor with her. But, as I do during my work weeks, I kept visiting this site and reading the Bible and slapping myself.

I'd been lucky, over the course of two months, her IL shot up skyhigh simply because I was doing all of the right things, except one: BEING SEXUAL.

You see, I was never readily available. I didn't text all the time. Maybe one text every 3 days with something of substance to say to her. But there are days she texts me and I just look, smile, and close my cell-phone. We'd talk on the phone twice a week, MAYBE. Date once a week. I always lead the conversations, always lead the dates. I'm in CHARGE. Of course, over the last two months, I've progressed in talking to her a little more, but I went increasing the sexual tension between the both of us, innuendo, jokes, comments... she was loving it, to a point.

So... Date #8, MY PLACE. Granted, I will admit that I'm ashamed that it took me this long to get to this point, but I started off on the wrong foot and took a wrong look at her and in a different light. No, she's now just another woman to me. Is she beautiful? Yes. Did that matter? No. Was she smart? Yes. Did that make her amazing? No. Was she a female? Yes. Was that important? WELL DUH, she has the anatomical parts I oh-so-crave.

So, laying all the sweet-and-reserved BS aside, I planned to escalate. Dinner and a movie and MAYBE some sex. So I prepared myself mentally with the tools taught to me by the wonderful brothers-in-arms here at the DJ factory, and prepped mentally to: ESCALATE.

I also prepped mentally to: BE REJECTED.

"Oh, but Kailex, what kind of an attitude is that?"

You see, I could read her. She's looking at me as LTR material, and this much I knew. So I knew that the logical choice would be for her to reject me that night. I just KNEW it. But, her accepting my invitation to MY place... MY domain... MY kingdom... meant that I HAD to try something... and TRY I would. I wanted her to know that I was interested, rather than regret not trying at all. Essentially, it was a test that I would succeed at either way.

I gave her her first true compliment, and to be honest, she deserved it, she looked absolutely stunning that night. Escalate, I DID. And at first, she put up no resistance, but right at the part that I thought she would, she did. She seemed, embarassed and didn't want to say the words that she thought I'd fear her to say. She wanted to stop, I just looked at her and smiled and said absolutely nothing. I kissed her again and she told me she just wanted to take things slowly. I told her we should go out for a drink, that I knew a great place by the beach that was just a block away. She smiled, almost in relief and we headed there. Something about her, was different now. It was almost as if she was glowing, without the whole awesome sex part.

 

[Kailex]

I'd shown no reaction of being upset to her stopping me and instead counter-offered with fun and removing her from a spot of awkwardness. We had a great night together and I felt... almost triumphant. Yes, I didn't get the sex, but for a while now, a few weeks, I've been looking at her in a possible LTR way. She quietly has demonstrated me all the values and qualities in a woman that I could spend a considerable amount of time with. A lot has changed since the first date, a LOT...

But during the same time, ALL of my plates have vanished. I haven't been able to sarge, hit some social circles, or do any of my normal things. So I'm left with Mai. It's amazing how much more intense you can feel towards one person when there aren't others in the picture.

We went out on another date since. We made it an outdoorsy type date, I knew she probably felt a little of the awkwardness of the "rejecting Kailex" from the last one, but, there was none from me. I didn't discuss it, and wasn't going to. I would never apologize for escalating. But trust me, I will try again. In the meantime, I am enjoying my time with her for what it is worth and trying to quarantine that inner AFC that wants to sneak up from time to time... you know, that putrid asssclown that cries from the most bottom regions of your stomach and begs for you to call her, because it "feels" like you miss her?? Nah. Today was that outdoor date. Maybe I'll call her on Wednesday. I'm a man, I'm busy. I work tomorrow and after, I'm hitting the gym, cooking, and working on some extracurricular stuff I have going on. It can wait.

But I do remain ever vigilant, holding back this impending "oneitis". I've been there before, and now, I have to keep it at bay, whether it be with a new line of plates or simply keeping busy the good ole fashioned way.

And this, my friends, is the introduction to my journal, because I need it, and I need to read it. I need to keep reminding myself of what I started here and that I must continue it. The frame needs to stay within my grasp... the DJ will always prevail over the AFC.

More... to come.

 

[Kailex]

I just want to keep this in the back of my mind, to remind myself of the eventual, bigger picture as a man.

03/08/10

I can sense it, the thoughts of "I want to talk to her". I give it 5 minutes, distract myself with work, and the thought is gone. Besides, what I am going to tell her that we probably didn't talk about yesterday? Nah. I'll pass.

2 years ago, I would have been freaking out right now, wondering why she hasn't texted me a "good morning" at least. But, to be honest, I didn't even think about it until right now.

What I have been slightly worried about... is where in the blue hell am I going to get more plates? Wait, not WHERE... WHEN. I need to get more, that's for sure. I don't want to wait til this weekend either. I might hit a bar on Wednesday/Friday and see what happens.

I purposely DIDN'T do things that needed to get done, yesterday... so that I could do them tonight when I get back home. If she wants to text me, fine... if she wants to call me, that's fine too. But I won't follow the interaction. The call, maybe.

And, just to remind myself that ALL women have sexual urges and they are not all as PURE and INNOCENT as we sometimes can make them out to be.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=161411

 

[Kailex]

Found a great thread by squirrels that definitely is giving me a little perspective on things. I remember reading this when I first joined SoSuave and it made NO sense to me. Now that I read it again, it makes perfect sense.

Definitely a huge help, and I'll be reading this over and over again within the next week.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=134995



03/09/10:

I successfully kept myself away from the phone. No texts, no phone calls, nothing, zero contact for the day. Mai and I basically spent the weekend together so even if I wanted to talk to her, what was I going to say? Meh. I wandered into the Health & Fitness forum and got a wake-up call from CarlitosWay.

I'm definitely pumped to hit the gym tonight.

I just tried to keep myself busy last night. I didn't want to look at the phone or even think about talking to her.

I redid all of my finances and that took me a swell amount of time. I'm looking into buying a new car, but unfortunately, it's going to take up a chunk of my monthly budget. Sad, because there's no two ways about it. I NEED a new car for my job.

And then the thought hit me as I looked at the spreadsheet before me: It actually makes more sense to not date at all, at least, financially.

So, I'm just going to see where my "thing" with Mai is headed to. If it breaks off... then I am done for a while. It just makes sense. I need to get my life back on track and better myself professionally. But obviously, I'm not giving up yet. I want to see where my lonely plate will take the both of us.

It's funny because right after I read squirrel's thread, I tried to think back to what point did the situation switch up on me? How did this creep up on me and take over me to the point where now I actually think about her? Weird.

2 months ago, I wouldn't have even given her a weekend date. Look at me now. It's amazing how your mindset can change as time progresses and both of you start letting your guard down. And I guess that's why I didn't talk to her yesterday. Because Kailex from February wouldn't have, so Kailex of March won't either.

 

[thecurtainfalls]

You must spread some reputation around before giving it to Kailex again.

Good journal man, it especially resonates with me because it sounds like we are in similar places in our lives (young professional, many of the same activities/approaches to game).

I'm tempted to start a journal like this in case someone can actually get something out of my experiences and insight. I definitely have gotten a lot out of what you've written so far. The only thing that worries me is this:

And then the thought hit me as I looked at the spreadsheet before me: It actually makes more sense to not date at all, at least, financially.

C'mon man, you only live once! Don't let your finances interfere with your carnal urges, lol. Money and financial security is great but this is women we're talking about, we both have hundreds of posts on this site so there's no question that being with women is a huge piece of our fulfillment as individuals. Remember, it sounds like you have your **** together in general, so there's nothing wrong with allowing yourself to date.

To me it doesn't sound like you're falling into One-itis, it sounds more like one option has made itself more attractive than most, and that you're genuinely interested in seeing where that can go. Remember, you're not obligated to take any interaction farther than you're comfortable... even if she views this as the makings of an LTR, there's nothing that says you'll be trapped in the interaction if something better comes along. To me, that's the real goal of plate spinning, not just perpetuating options for options' sake.

 

[Kailex]

C'mon man, you only live once! Don't let your finances interfere with your carnal urges, lol. Money and financial security is great but this is women we're talking about, we both have hundreds of posts on this site so there's no question that being with women is a huge piece of our fulfillment as individuals. Remember, it sounds like you have your **** together in general, so there's nothing wrong with allowing yourself to date.

To me it doesn't sound like you're falling into One-itis, it sounds more like one option has made itself more attractive than most, and that you're genuinely interested in seeing where that can go. Remember, you're not obligated to take any interaction farther than you're comfortable... even if she views this as the makings of an LTR, there's nothing that says you'll be trapped in the interaction if something better comes along. To me, that's the real goal of plate spinning, not just perpetuating options for options' sake.

I gave this some thought last night. I'm weighing my options so far. I have a decent car and I think I might be able to keep up. It's an option. It's already been paid off so I don't have the monthly payments nor the higher cost of insurance. That would give me a huge financial break per month and would most likely help me socially.

And about the second thing you mentioned, yeah, this one option is seemingly really attractive but like you said, it's only because something better hasn't come along. Sure, there's no guarantee that something "better" might come along, but I'm not "attached" to this as a whole. There is no exclusivity and no promise of there being such, for now. So, that in itself, is liberating. It means that I'm free, and not tied down to this "relationship". I am ready to walk away if needed, but not without saying that at first, I wouldn't feel stung a bit by it. But I'm only 29 and still have years ahead of me. So, in the bigger picture, it's not that a big deal at all. If she doesn't pan out, there will be others, and for that chance in life, I am very grateful.


03/10/10


Well, last night I filled my nightly schedule to the brim. Amazing how going to the gym for 2 hours can make your night speed by. Plenty of cardio, a little light on the weights and then it was 8:00 PM already. Had some relatives call me last night, looked at some financial options for myself, looked up some places that I could go to this weekend, hopefully one of them with Mai, and then saw it was already 10 PM. I was beat and exhausted.

Woke up this morning to a text message from her: "Feelin ok?".

Yes.

This is what I had been striving for. This is why I didn't talk to her the last two days. I know that at SOME point, I was in the back of her mind and that she was thinking about me. I'd given her the gift of missing me once again.

I smiled because I knew exactly why she was asking. She has been sick for the last week and a half and came to see me this weekend with the joking disclaimer that I might get sick if we spent too much time together. She was already on the tail end of the cold, so I took my chances. I told her my immune system was that of an alien and I don't respond to the common cold like her race of people do.

I closed my phone and got ready for work. I texted her back when I got here (about an hour and a half had gone by, by now). I told her that she hadn't made the alien sick and asked her if she was feeling any better herself? She responded within the next 5 minutes saying she was glad I wasn't sick and that she felt more or less the same.

This was the pivotal moment... continue a text conversation or cut it off? Of course, cut it off. I replied saying how much that sucked and that I was honestly surprised I wasn't sick given all the stuff I've had going on lately.

I continued the message with: Well, have a crapload of cases to take care of, so back to work. I might call you later tonight if I have a chance and tell you all about my crazy week.


Successful cutoff.


Of course, I'll probably call her tonight and time my phone call as I've done sometimes. I don't want to give her every detail of what I did this week so far... I have to save something for the weekend, if we go out... although I have no doubt at this point that we will. Yes, I want to talk to her tonight, but yes, I'd rather have stuff to talk to her about on Saturday/Sunday.

And yet, here I am, being talked to by co-workers about possible friends/relatives/others that they'd like me to meet. I made sure that EVERYONE in my company knows I'm single. I could use the social proof within work to reach out to other potentials. Sure the process will take longer than maybe I think, but I already got invited by two co-workers to their 30th birthday bash in April 10. And they promise to introduce me to a few single women. So, that's looking good so far...

 

[Kailex]

03/11/2010

Another marvelous day. Another crappy day overall at work, but so far so good. I guess I'll get down to business.

I called Mai last night and left a voice mail. I never really worry about this with her. She's really good at picking up my calls or returning my calls shortly after.

We talked for about 30 minutes. Somehow we talked about everything except what has gone on during our week. Score, because I'll have a LOT to talk about this weekend. I did realize something though, she hardly can go a minute without laughing to anything I say. Which is something I noticed on last Sunday. I don't think I've ever seen her NOT smile when she is around me.

Analysis: I'm always high energy. I like to be outgoing. I like to set the tone. Yes, I've let the conversation drop sometimes but just to gauge whether this will spark another conversation from her. She likes to be random too. I once got quiet for about 10 seconds only to hear: "Chickens!"

Yes... she pointed out chickens to me while we were on the road.

I've seen chickens, I've had them for dinner.

But that's not the point.

The point is, we talked for a while and then I told her that she gets to choose what day we go out... Saturday or Sunday (for once, I always say what day) but I get to choose the time I pick her up and the place.

On a sidenote: ALWAYS make sure you tell a woman who is picking up who. We made plans for last Sunday and at NO point did we state who was picking up who, so I ASSUMED that I was picking her up. Yeah, she called me when I was 5 minutes into the road saying she was already at my house... NICE.


Back to the phone call:
So she said she'd let me know about which day and then she asked me what we were doing. My response:

"Like I said, you pick the day, I'm picking the time and the place. All you need to know is that I'm picking you up and that you better have your GPS on you."

"Kailex, you have to know I'm intrigued now..."

"Give me a day and keep wondering."

Mai has a father that is in an institution so she usually goes visit him during the weekend, which is why I'm giving her the choice this weekend. Besides it's Date #9 by now and we're far enough into it that I can give her "SOME" choice but not completely.

I knew she had homework to do that was due for today, so after telling her to keep wondering, I said good night. Next move is hers, whether it be a phone call or a text. I'm not even going to worry about it. I know she's intrigued about what my plans are.

And, ah yes, for the fifth time, she made sure I know that she isn't doing anything for her birthday. She has the day off from work and she doesn't know, but so do I... so I have been kinda planning something. It's two weeks away... but hey, guess what, if it doesn't happen, I get a 3 day weekend... SCORE.

Oh btw, fellas, don't ever compromise on something YOU want to do. Just last week, Mai gave me a 5 minute speech on why St Patricks Day kinda sucks (She doesn't drink) to which my response was: You DO know I'm going out that night regardless of whether you are there or not, right?

5 second pause.

Mai: Can I come?
Kailex: Maybe. I have to think about it. (I tried to hold back the laughter as much as I could.)

So, ball is in her court now to tell me a day, but I know she's intrigued by whatever I have planned. She'll let me know as she always does.

 

[Kailex]

03/12/10

Amazing what overanalysis can do to you. Amazing how a lack of options can suddenly twist and turn your mind in just a matter of seconds. I can't help but say that I'm mad at myself, truly mad at myself... not at the "mistake" that I made, but at the fact that I analyzed that one mistake to death. You see, she decided to text me last night, a simple statement that let me know that she was thinking about me, even when she was in class.

I could have left it alone, and just smiled, but I couldn't resist. I HAD to respond. I called her a comedian and asked how her class was going (WHY!?!?!?!).

She responded that she had just sent me a message during her break because she couldn't resist making a joke about something I had said last week.

I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED THERE. But no. I sat there, half expecting her to tell me which day she was going to pick... Saturday or Sunday, and when I saw no mention of it, I immediately sent her a message back stating:

Well enjoy class tonight. And remember you owe me something ;-)


Now, it's not bad enough that I sent the message in the first place, but it's even worse that I picked apart my OWN text message for about an hour or so. I sat there, jilted, because I knew she wasn't going to respond back. #1: She was in a class. #2: What the hell was I thinking?

I felt like I was trying to bait her into a response already.
And this is why from now on, I will pick the day, and if she can't make it, I'll reschedule for another time. This is where lack of options kills you. All of a sudden you don't have that alternate plan, plan B or whatever you want to call it. All of a sudden, going out with just one person means that you are the mercy of their schedule since you have nothing better to do. I re-read another post by Rollo stating that the plate theory doesn't necessarily need to be applied but that you should pretty much realize that you COULD have options if you wanted to. So, screw this, it's my plans or no plans from now on, even if it kills me to know that she is my only plate pretty much.

And now do you see why I am mad at myself? All of this from just one simple text that I... KAILEX... sent HER.

For all I know, she probably just looked at her cell phone, smiled and went merrily back to listening to her class, and there I was wasting away a perfectly crappy evening on analyzing my one text. BAH.

4 weeks ago, I wouldn't have cared. I would have shrugged it off. But I guess my "panic" stems from our Date #3. You see, on Wednesday I told her to let me know if she could confirm for Sunday and she said she'd let me know. But I never said if she would call me or I'd call her or whatever... and I ended up drunk texting her at 2:45 on Saturday morning telling her "Thanks for not calling me. Have a good weekend."

She DID text me the next morning asking if I was mad and I gamed her up to the point where SHE took ME out for lunch and some activities, but I guess the side moral is: Avoid drunk texting LOL

But still, this was in the back of my mind maybe, that she'd do the same thing...





And now... BREATHE.
This is why I avoid texting and this is why I advocate the plate theory. I'm going to re-read the Book of Pook and more from the Bible. My game with Mai seems to be slipping and if I noticed... she's noticed as well. The fact of the matter is that we, as men, seem to BECOME comfortable as more time goes by with a woman. We have the strongest games from Date 1 -3 but somewhere along the line, after two month's time, we start becoming complacent.

Why? Because we have situations like mine. Now I am at the mercy of her even calling me tonight and letting me know if she is available this weekend. A terrible place to be for us men. So I'm probably going to end up calling her tonight (*sigh*) to let her know that it has to be on Sunday because I had something came up for tomorrow. BTW, I'm probably gonna call and hang up quick, using "going out" as a reason for me to do so. Not only does it show her that I still make plans without her, but it keeps me looking busy and social... you know, just in case other potential plates do creep up.

But still, here I am now... waiting. And damnit, we hate waiting.

 

[cmr662]

Great thread

First off, I want to say great job on this thread. I almost feel like I wrote it! A little about me: I'm 28, have a masters degree, drive a new BMW, have a great job that pays 6-figures, own my own home, athletic with a great body, and while I'm not a 10 in the looks category, Im good looking enough to pull loads of hot chicks.

I had dated an amazing girl off and on for about three years and I broke it off a couple months back. I have 3 or 4 girls in the 7-8 range that I could call anytime to hang out, yet there is this one girl who I can't get my mind off of.

She recently got out of a relationship as well, but we've hung out and he has shown interest. We hung out a couple years ago when I was on a break with my ex but it never went anywhere. I consider this girl total wife potential.

For some reason though, no matter what I read here, I can't get her out of my head. I text way too much, and feel like I'm showing her way too much attention, enough to where I'm worried I may have blown it today.

Some more background on me: I was really popular in college and I'm still pretty well known throughout my city. I've never had a problem with girls, and most girls have viewed me as a big player.

For some reason I think it is 100% ego that sends me in the wrong direction with this girl. I'm used to getting what I want and who I want, but the one I actually am serious about, I may have blown it.

Now, I don't know if I've blown it or not, but we made plans to hang out tonight last weekend, and today she said she didn't really want to do much and will let me know. The minute she texts me I'm textjng right back. When she doesn't text me I'm sitting here looking at my phone every 2 minutes wondering why!

Man this girl has my hea spinning. Sorry for venting on your thread, just wanted you to know you aren't alone and I'll be reading closely.

Best of luck.

 

[5string]

Kailex. Great play by play. Good thread. You write very well.

 

[garruk]

kailex, ive been following your thread closely. i hope it all works out for you. keep me posted, i feel like i have a lot to learn from you.

 

[Kailex]

For the last few comments: Thank you.
I think my journal is serving a dual purpose, not only for me, but for others. Right now, I know I am headed down a "dangerous" path, but seeing as how it went from a plate to a possible LTR, I thought it would be important to outline my every step, day by day, so that we all could see the different outcomes. I definitely need it for myself. This is the closest to a true oneitis that I have come to in a long while, and it's a little scary, but I also realize that if there are LTR chances with her, that at some point the C&F can't be as hot and heavy as in the intro phase, as is the same with some of our other DJ tools. Still, I'm not letting up. Basically, I want to approach oneitis with a DJ mindset, and not from an AFC standpoint.

What we see throughout this journal so far is the makings of a potential oneitis and I'm trying to avoid the devastating effects it may have.

- cmr: I know what you mean in what you are stating. That's why I'm making this, to separate the emotional from the logical. This is why I post in the morning, most of the times, so that I can reflect on what I did and what I could have done WRONG. I remind myself constantly that there is no need to gravitate towards the AFC mindset of a oneitis. Hopefully you will overcome yours and I can avoid mine!


03/12/10 PM

Work kept me busy and I left the workplace at 6 PM. I looked at my phone, and as expected... no message. I figured, I'd let it ride a little more but that I would call her if it was becoming too late. Of course... calling her MIGHT carry implications. It could imply neediness to know of whether she wants to see me or not (specially after my text from last night). But I said Saturday/Sunday and I needed to know. Meh, I needed to drive and concentrate on the rainy road. You don't want to die in a car accident due to overanalysis, right?

Made it home, had a quick dinner, took a shower, and at 7 PM SHARP, my phone rings. It's Mai. She immediately asks how I am and if she is interrupting anything. I laugh and tell her that I just walked out of the shower and that I had nothing but a towel on, at the moment.

Ah, the giggle. But it was important for me to throw at that in. Evoke some sense of emotion, evoke a sexual visualization. Make her FEEL something.

To be honest, I was just RELIEVED that she was even calling. And I can say this now... do you see how much time I wasted over-analyzing last night and this morning? Nothing happened. I didn't scare her away with my comment. I didn't make her think I was being pushy or needy. In fact, do you know what happened... she said she called me at 7 PM because she couldn't wait any longer.

And know WHAT she said: So, which day is better for you, Saturday or Sunday?

Yes... I waited TWO days and I still had to pick between both days. So of course, I picked Sunday. Screw that, I got things to do on a Saturday. She can wait another day to see ME. Right?

So Sunday it is... we're going out and she STILL has no idea where we are going. It's nothing special, but I did warn her that she shouldn't eat. Mai is the kind of girl that loves to play pool and bowl, so she should feel right at home at Dave & Busters. I can tell she's excited about seeing me... you could just TELL.

And here I was... wasting my last 24 hours worried about what she might have read from that ONE text. Silly Kailex!

And to top things off... she reminded ME of something I had promised her that we'd do together. I told her that I wanted to go see a Knicks game with her but that the season was almost over. That was two weeks ago. Of course, tonight on the phone she asks:

"So... are WE still going to the Knicks game? They only have about 6 games left at home."

Let's break this down fellas, and you'll see the huge IL in this statement. First off, she mentioned WE... as a collective, both of us, together. It means those plans are in the back of her mind and she WANTS to go with me. Now let's delve deeper into the rest of the statement. She KNOWS how many games are left to be played in Madison Square Garden and she's NOT a Knicks fan. Which means that SHE looked up how many home games are left as a possibility of us going together.

I did have to let her know in advance to which game we are most likely to go... Miami Heat vs New York Knicks (April 11). SHE wanted to know WHICH game. I told her that it was so far in advance that I didn't want to tell her yet... her response:

"Buy the tickets."

"Cool."

No overreaction on my part, no glee, no celebration. I'll wait a week or so and then buy them. And I told her I was buying them... WHY? Because if she flakes on me, I have an extra ticket with which I could take someone else to the game. April 11 is a LONG way away... god knows I could have another plate by then, spinning at full velocity. A Knicks game could either be a great night for me and Mai or a good first date for me and some other plate.

We ended our call after a while. I could tell in her voice that she is very anxious to see me again... but she LOVES to play it cool. It's almost as if she reads these forums and knows the DJ drill. She already confessed to the fact that I am SO UNLIKE every other guy that has dated her... YES... the type of guy that calls every day, texts every day and drops EVERYTHING just for her.

Sorry, but she's met her match with an aspiring DJ.
The saga shall continue on Monday :yes:

 

[Pimp-sicle]

As others have said, excellent journal!  But I wanted to give you props on improving your game so rapidly in such a short amount of time!  Its great that this journal is serving a dual purpose.... Don't be so hard on yourself regarding the text; your way past the comfort stage of the relationship and from the way it looks the feelings you are trying to control are being felt by her ten fold.
Reps for you bro.....
All you have to remember is to never let emotion speak and take over your better judgement and you'll be fine.

Ah and yes you are a great writer, very easy and entertaining to read.



PIMP

 

[katzorange]

you my friend... has brought tears to my eyes... like a father watching his only son that made it.

 

[cykeson]

Compile it, edit it a little, and SAVE IT. Then you can publish a book that will resonate with many

 

[Kailex]

03/13/10

The only reason why I'm even making an entry today is because I came to realize one important fact over the last 3 weeks:

Be sexual.

You see, when I first started dating Mai, I labeled her as the sweet, shy, reserved girl that could do no wrong. And for THAT reason, my game got all confused. I led myself to believe that I had to take it slow with her and not be overally sexual.

It doesn't help that our first date was a disaster and that I really didn't want to go out with her a second time, but as the dates kept coming, I kept realizing I liked her more and more but something was missing. Oh yeah... I was slowly friend-zoning myself.

Yes, we kissed on the second date and had a slight makeout session on the third, but at no point did I reveal myself to be of "sexual interest"... thus just being a hang-out of sorts.

Advice I've read here has proven me right: No matter how sweet and shy the woman is... she is still a woman and has a desire to be desired as well.

Don't hide your sexualness, hell, that's what distinguishes you from orbiters and the other AFC's.

And ever since I've switched up the game slightly and have dialed up the sexual undertones, I've noticed a raise in IL from her. She seems more receptive... and yes, even though we've yet to have sex, I can tell that she likes the thought of embracing that thought with me in the near future. I've found that the way to do it is to compliment her WITHOUT complimenting her. Of course, it's been two months so at SOME point I had to verbally and explicitly tell her that she's beautiful, but I kept it under wraps, made her insecure...

But I made sure she could pick up on subtle hints. One thing that I have done maybe 2 or 3 times is to tell her to stop right where she is... which immediately worries her... followed by telling her to turn around slowly in a full 360. The first time I did that, she thought I was crazy and blushed. But the second and third... she complied and gave me the most awesome teasing look I've ever seen. Oh yeah, she likes it, but she liked to show it off too.

Ever since I've embraced my sexual side as a man, I can tell that it makes her feel like more of a woman. So now, I'm not afraid to show it. Screw the conventional AFC methods of trying to get into someone's past with respect. Respect can only get you so far, but showing her your natural intentions as a man will probably get you further. Make that gina tingle, make sure she knows that you'd love to tap it but that she'd have just as much fun riding the C-Monster.

And funnily enough, last night she asked me what "she owed me". She didn't get it. All that gross over analyzation and she didn't get what I meant. Hah. I told her that she owed me a counter-clockwise 360 on Sunday. She got real quiet and giggled... but I could hear it in the background, like one of those bells in those old-school delis once you open the door when walk in... yeah, the sound of her gina tingling.

 

[Kailex]

03/15/10

"So, were we are going to, is it sneaker casual or boots casual?"

That was the text message I received Sunday morning before taking her to her surprise date. I looked at the phone a quick second and contemplated what to say next. I could have taken the easy way out... the AFC way out and responded with:

"Whatever you want. Whatever makes you feel comfortable."

SCREW comfortable. Hell no. I smiled and responded immediately with this:

"Those boots make you look sexier, plus the extra inches help me kiss you easier."

I didn't care WHAT her response would be. I was keeping it flirty. I didn't care if it offended her or not. And to be honest, she should expect that from me after using Warrior's "Spank" text message the day before. Her response:

"Well, I guess sneakers it is then lol "

Right.
What is it that we say here at SoSuave all the time: Women don't always say what they mean.

I rolled up to her house and as she walked out the front door, what was the first thing I noticed? She had her sexy boots on and flashed me a smile that could have given old men instant heart attacks and a permanent home within a casket. Yeah, she loved the text message and it set the tone for the rest of the afternoon.

We used her GPS to find the Dave & Busters, but her GPS was low on battery and the charger wasn't working. But a DJ is prepared and I had printed instructions. But at no point did she know where we were going... just that it was in Philadelphia. She couldn't stop smiling the whole way there (and later she'd admit to the WHY).

The ride there was pleasant, lots of conversation, but I kept myself pulled away from her and actually had gaps in the conversation, to try to get her out of her shell. It's progressing nicely. And although I hate to admit that the lack of the "sex factor" seems to be a small thorn in my side... I'm looking at this to become an LTR. YES, I know our first time will probably suck... hell, probably the first five times, but it'll get better. I'm realistic about it. Sure, it might not even happen, but I've had fun with this in the meantime. But, this is why I am so sure it WILL happen...

She was already a lot more receptive to me. I'd say that 90% of the kino for the last few weeks was all on me... on Sunday, it was evenly split. She wanted to be close to me, to touch me, to enjoy my company. A noticeable difference.

Upon reaching the D&B, she was immediately excited to be there. She'd never been there. It's funny, you'd think that a nice, shy, sweet girl would probably not be into an arcade type place, but Mai is. Which is why it's always important to bring the woman into places YOU like and do things YOU want to do, because you'll be excited about doing them and so will she. I brought HER into MY world and she was loving every second. She'd never played Air Hockey before and she LOVED it... and the competitive juices were flowing. She also played Guitar Hero for the first time as well...

She was trying all these new things, opening up... a far cry from a few weeks ago. We had a lot of fun and probably spent too much time together... but then again, this "oneitis" is a departure from the PUA aspect... this is the making of a potential LTR. The situation is different for me, but I can never forget the basic principles.

On our way back, she said she was so excited and smiling so much because she'd never have anyone take her out of state for a date. Right after that, she mentioned how she always wanted to travel around and see new places like Washington DC.

Why'd she say that??? I understood the underlying message of it all... she said SHE wanted to see it, but what she really meant is that she wanted US to see it together. I just smiled and let her continue talking about it.

She loved it, because I broke from the conventional and took a chance on going somewhere we had never gone before. She loved it because all of our dates are far from the norm. We've had dates that consisted of spending only 10 bucks and have had dates that saw us split an 80 dollar bill. It doesn't matter, but we have yet to do the same thing twice. She's eating it up, because there is NO boring with Kailex, there are only good times and fun. I know that whenever she thinks about me (and I know she does), it evokes GOOD emotions.

We're going out on St Patricks and she's a little weary because she doesn't drink, but I reassured her that we'd be fine. She wants to go to just see what it's like... again, something she normally doesn't want to do, but she wants to go because she is stepping into my world.

Now, a funny thing happened today on the phone. I was telling her about how flirty she was being BUT that she sucked at being a tease.

Hey, you have to keep hitting them with the neg-hits every once in a while...

Ooooooh... she didn't like that one though. I could tell she got serious for a second... to which she followed up with:

"Well, are you going to be wearing green."

"Of course... why?"

"Well Kailex, I have something green, but... it's not something I can wear on the outside."


OUCH. I got hit hard but I ATE IT UP.

"Play your cards right, Mai, and you might get to show me."

Wow, she's never hit me with a comment like that. It's like McDonalds, I'm loving it. So we are set for Wednesday for St Patty's. I KNOW she'll have fun because I'll have fun.

And oh yes...she admitted yesterday that she has told her mother about me, and... she has begun making indirect comments about our future together. She hasn't mentioned LTR exactly, but she is beginning to make comments about us seeing each other more and about the Knicks game. She's mentioned other sporting events she wants US to go to and horseback riding as well.

I'm staying the course. No matter how strongly I feel about her, I'm not bringing up the eventual "exclusive LTR" conversation, I don't care how long we are going out for... she can bring that up. But it's nice to hear her hinting at it.

It was a good weekend.

 

[Kailex]

03/16/10

Nothing really to update here today, but I thought I'd add a few things in here.

First of all, my tickets for the Knicks' game are being sent. I'm excited to go back to the city to see another basketball game and she might be coming with... we'll see, it's still a few weeks away.

And now for my AFC-Kailex vs DJ-Kailex moment of the day.

Last night she mentioned on the phone that she has Thursday/Friday off.
Now, I am going out with her tomorrow for St Patricks, and we are going out again on Saturday. So that's twice in a week, which seems to be happening a bit more in the last 3 weeks. So here's the VERSUS situation.

Thursday I have a half day at work, which means that at 1:30 PM, I get to go home (I get in at 10). I set it up that way because of St Patricks! Anyway, point being, I KNOW she has a day OFF on Thursday, and I practically have the afternoon off that day, which means we could see each other for a few hours... right???

WRONG.

That's exactly what I'm NOT going to suggest, and oh, she knows I have a half day too.

AFC-Kailex:
This bugger would have been asking her to do something on Thursday. Why? Because AFC-Kailex would want to spend every free second of his time with her, because, that's romantic and that's what she would like, a man around alllllll the time. AFC-Kailex would plan a nice romantic outing for a Thursday afternoon, maybe at a beach with a nice candlelit dinner where I play the violin for her and show her a huge heart drawn into the sand.

*I just threw up in my mouth a little*

But no... Thursday is MY half day and I'm spending it doing things I need/want to do. Why? Well...

DJ-Kailex: You see, we've slowly transitioned from once a week to twice a week (sometimes). I'm already going to be with her on Wednesday and I know we are going out on Saturday. Hell no, I'm not becoming so available all of a sudden. Besides, she needs her own time to do her own things. Same as I do... and I could care less if I spend half my time doing laundry/gym and the other playing Final Fantasy 13... it's MY time. Our time is Wednesday/Saturday.

When we started dating, I gave her the vision of a busy Kailex... a Kailex that had many things to do, even on his off days, and she is slowly seeing that all of this is true. She knows I hit the gym, that I do my own cooking, that I go out with friends, amongst many other things. If I do Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday... what impression am I really giving her?

Besides, after this weekend, after all the hints and all the advances, I feel a LOT more confident about myself. I'm not overthinking (after the text message mental fiasco of last week) anymore and I feel really good about how the two of us are panning out.

And this is where the "plate theory" comes into play. I have options. They don't necessarily have to be women, like Rollo said, but it's just the realization that you COULD have options. Well, on Thursday my options are to do whatever makes me happy and feel productive and fulfilled.

And in the rare case that SHE actually asks to see me on Thursday, I'll tell her of all that I have to do and see where she goes from there. And this, gentlemen, is one of the many things that separates the DJ from the AFC, the ability to NOT want to spend every living second with that person with the LTR-potential. I mean, there are people who say that the person they love is the person they want to spend every waking second of their life with... but come on... we all know that's BS. Kailex likes his time with Mai, but Kailex also likes his me-time... that's what keeps us all sane.

 

[cmr662]

And this is where the "plate theory" comes into play. I have options. They don't necessarily have to be women, like Rollo said, but it's just the realization that you COULD have options.

So if your plates aren't women, I'm guessing you're talking about men??? Kidding bro, have to bust your balls a little bit, you made it too easy!

In all seriousness, I am amazed at how far you've come with this chick in so little time. Big Kudos to you! Check your PM!!

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

The problem with internalizing and acknowledging your 'potential' options is that they have to be the result of having generated 'real' options in the past. You can give yourself pep talks all day long and say "I can hook up with anyone I want, any time", but your subconscious knows that's incongruent with reality UNLESS you've successfully spun plates prior.

You definitely get points for recognizing the AFC-beta responses and self-correcting on the fly. However, I feel you're missing the overall meta-game in that while you're occupied with distilling the AFC vs. DJ reactions you're failing to see that you're incrementally fixating on this one girl. Your texts have gone from the excellent one word responses ("yes") to blathering and planning - that leans into Buffer territory. You've also gone from her coming to you ("can I come") to you going to her.

You're over-invested in this ONE girl because on some level you realize she's your only option, and you're using elements of plate theory and 'potential' options to justify your investment. That's just an observation, not an admonishment. You do get props for playing this reasonably well thus far, but if I had to say who controls the frame at this point it would definitely be with her. My guess is that she realizes you're trying to play her to a degree. You haven't banged this girl yet in so many dates - she gets that too. There's been no appreciable return on all that investment.

My advice at this point is to cut her off once again and go back to zero. Make her come to you again. Find some unavoidably responsible reason for not calling or texting her for 5 to 7 days. Always make your reason something unavoidably positive and affirming (call it lying if you want), but make it something like "I've just been really busy with this school stuff, my job promotion, helping my sick aunt, etc." Encourage your own ambivalence with something positively responsible that she'd never attack.

You need to let her imagination work for you. She's getting comfortable to your regularity and in doing so she comes to assume she has no competition for your attention. You need that anxiety to provoke a response. Familiarity is your enemy, do something out of character. Allow her to come to the conclusion that your attention is in demand. Her imagination is the best tool in your DJ toolbox. Learn how to use it.

Limit your availability to her. Let her call go to voicemail and call her back 5 hours later. NEVER immediately respond to texts. Go back to one word Game. Increase value through scarcity. Be responsibly, but unavoidably in demand. The less available you appear to be, the more available you "might" be for a competitor. You are the PRINCE, you are in demand, your effort and attention will be more appreciated if it seems you'd go out of your way to spend time with her. She needs to know this as covertly and indirectly as possible - she needs to come to this estimation on her own (even if it's by your own design).

In the meantime, go out and spin more plates - for real. You're confident you can generate more options, prove it. It's far easier to have that confidence when you've got two or three women on speed dial.