Joint Parenting Issue

[logicallefty]

I have joint custody of my 11yo daughter. During the school year she spends more time with whichever parent who's school district she attends. Sense December 2014 her primary residence has been with me. Her mother and I have got along 95% well over the years with few day to day parenting issues.

Recently, within 2-3 weeks, my daughter has taken up a real b|tchy attitude, and literally over night went from a nice funny little redneck girl to a little teenage wench. I have made statements to her like these which I didn't think were that bad:

"No matter how much of a b|tch you think you can be, I can be a bigger b@stard. Never forget that"

"If you want to act like one of my crazy ex girlfriends, that's how I will treat you. Show me some respect and I will show you some"

During this time her math grade has started to slip. I have been spending 1-2 hours every single night trying to catch her up in math. She has As and Bs in everything else, but math is a slipping C.

Twice now she "forgot" to bring her math home. After the second time I took her computer.

She went crying to her mother about the computer.. And told her mother that I am mean to her and say mean things. Her mother took her to her child psychologist a few days ago who I can't stand and he says "it doesn't sound like a healthy environment at Lefty's house". Me and the psychologist have never liked each other because I call him out on his sh|t and make him work for his pay. He is so dark blue pill that even the Blue Man Group wouldn't take him.

Now all the sudden my daughter says she wants to go back with her mother and her mother is backing it. That's not the part I am most upset about. I'm upset that we went through over a year of her mother's husband and my daughter having daily problems and fighting like ciblings, and I took the high road and handled it with diplomacy. I backed the step dad on things that I could, while not backing him on everything. I told my ex that I knew it was a lot of stress on everyone and I trusted her and him and my daughter to work it all out without me interfering or putting pressure on anyone.. That went on for over a year...

And now we have ONE incident at my house and its time to move her out.

I'm so frazzled over this. I don't even want to talk to my daughter right now and I have been ignoring her calls and texts. I had this long Email ready to send my ex chewing her a new a$$ but I shorted it up and said "Ex, I still respect you as a person and mother but you really pi$$ed me off over how you handled this".

arg, I just want a month or two in my life with peace. I just can't seem to catch it.

 

[Tenacity]

Man, this is exactly why I decided to not have kids. Even WHEN you are being a good Father, it's never enough and the moment you don't allow your kid to have their way, it turns into "child abuse" or allegations of whatever type of made-up "mental abuse" the Psychology industry pushes out on a daily basis. And it's always directed at the MEN first though, the mother could be beating the child with a telephone chord or bashing its head in with Dell Laptops, none of that will count though. But if a man YELLS at this kid? Oh no, that's just too much and we need to get the child away from that "monster"!

Hang in there man, maybe start speaking with your legal resources if needed. And society is going to be totally "blue pill" which means everything the women (mother and daughter) are saying will be believed sooner/faster/swiftly than anything you are going to say. The shyt is so powerful not even Johnny Cochran and Robert Kardashian can defend against the shyt. In every sense of the word, you can "Be A Man" all day long but your manhood only goes as long as "they" allow it.

So glad I decided to opt out of all of this bullshyt, my vasectomy is getting done in two months time! Never married, no kids, no cohabitation! Freedom!

 

[YawataNoKami]

dadsdivorce forum

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Lefty,
Yes I can empatise with your situation...waste of time fighting it,you will have no Allies...At your Daughters Age there is every probability she will soon be fighting with her Mum...You have left your Genes in your Daughter and be assured that neither of your contributions to her future will be as influential as you might think...Long experience tells me that Blood will out...Be around for your Girl and be Mr Nice Guy even though it hurts,in the conflict of Nature versus Nurture,Nature wins every time.

 

[logicallefty]

Thank you for all replies, fellas.

@Tanacity, you have a valid point. I love my daughter to death. But if i had it to do over again, i would have got my b@lls snippy snippy before I had a child who got snippy snippy! She is a bi product of my clueless AFC days that I can't do anything about now. That sounds harsh to put it like that but it's reality, right?? She hates the fact that her mother and I aren't together and hates living in split homes (with one as primary). She wants her mother and I to get back together. I have told her that when cows fly over the moon using sh|t powered rockets, her mother and I will get back together.

@Scaremouche, you have a point as well. If my daughter wanted to stay with me I would fight it.. I do have 3 specific things going, cards I could play against my ex.. These are cards that if I did fight it I would have a better than average male chance of winning. But sense my daughter is wanting to move now my gut says to hold these cards for later if I need them because I will only have one shot to use them.... In my State I have not yet found any legal age where Judges start to look at the wishes of the child. However, 12 years old is kind of the unofficial age and my daughter will be 12 in a few months and plus she is very intelligent and would have no trouble testifying to a Judge what so ever.

 

[Desdinova]

I'm so fvcking glad I had a boy instead of a girl.

Dude, you're seriously outnumbered here. Now that the psychologist is involved, you're likely going to lose a chunk of your custody with your daughter. When it comes to custody situations, the guy with the certification is the one who dishes out the commands of where your child belongs.

You need to play nice with the psychologist no matter how blue pill they are.

As far as your daughter goes, you cannot treat her like one of your ex-gfs which is what it sounds like you're doing. You need to be an authority figure, but you still need to cater to her emotions. With a girl, you can't be a hardcore hard-ass. No matter how "blue pill" it sounds, you need to be a bit more sympathetic and understanding. Again, this is your daughter, not a chick you're trying to seduce.

As far as grades in math goes, how many chicks do you know are mathematicians? Math is a very logical subject. Girls are going to do much better in things like language arts, biology, and history. This is all stuff that leans more on situations, stories, drama, and compassion.

You've got to lighten up on her. She's looking up to you not only to be an authority figure, but a support as well.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

I've not been through the divorce stuff before nor had to deal with custody of children, but I have to agree on a couple of things some guys have already posted, namely you're outnumbered here and the sooner you can accept that the better. Not for the sake of giving up, but it's better to approach the situation realistically rather than have some deluded impression of what "could" happen.

The way I read your OP, your daughter stays with you the majority of the time during the school year to attend school at a certain location. This seems to be part of the custody arrangement, thus court order, correct? She wants to move back with mom, fine. Agree and amplify. Oh she's moved back now? Well, she has to go to a different school and that violates the court order right? Women get all p!ssy about this? Hey, court order states XYZ.

Child psychologist gets involved? Did the court order the psychologist to evaluate the situation? No? Then his input counts for exactly jack and s#it. Your ex wants to use this guy some kind of sounding board to get positive reinforcement for what she's doing? Fine, let her waste her money, but you do not need to legitimize her actions by going with her to this guy because you've indicated that you've "made the guy work for his money" so I read this as you've been to appointments with this guy before. Do not go again.

Oh one more thing. Do not write some long-ass text or email ready to be fired off to your ex about how angry or disappointed you are or whatever it is. Men write this crap up because they see women do it and it is emotionally charged and almost always very subjective. It will be used against you if you ever send it - count on that! If you want to send text or email for documentation purposes, it must be straight to the point, something like "Court order states XYZ, on 3 occasions this has been violated by you on A-date/time, B-date/time, and C-date/time which I have further documentation to support. Please correct these issues immediately." Plain, simple, straight to the point and serves just fine for documentation if you ever need it in the future. Men who get emotionally charged crap put into situations like this doesn't really work out.

 

[zekko]

I don't have any kids, so I really don't have any business commenting. However:

Man, this is exactly why I decided to not have kids. Even WHEN you are being a good Father, it's never enough and the moment you don't allow your kid to have their way, it turns into "child abuse" or allegations of whatever type of made-up "mental abuse" the Psychology industry pushes out on a daily basis. And it's always directed at the MEN first though, the mother could be beating the child with a telephone chord or bashing its head in with Dell Laptops, none of that will count though. But if a man YELLS at this kid? Oh no, that's just too much and we need to get the child away from that "monster"!!

Right, and the fact that the man is expected to be the disciplinarian just complicates matters further. All kids go through a rebellious stage.

So glad I decided to opt out of all of this bullshyt, my vasectomy is getting done in two months time! Never married, no kids, no cohabitation! Freedom!

Sounds very MGTOW.

Lefty, I would say that if your ex-wife wants to take her in, I would let her have the headache. I'm curious about the laws involved though, is there any way she could come after you for child support payments if this happens?

 

[stevo]

I feel for you man.

One thing I accepted that makes it easier for me to sleep at night is:

Me and my daughter might not get along when she gets older.



You see a child with a crazy ex (in my case, not sure about yours) is a child that you could regard as lost.

Ofcourse I'd be there for my daughter but you see to live with me, there are rules. There's a way you dont talk. There's a way you carry yourself.

I'd forever love her but to have me in her life, I'd have to like her meaning she'd have to behave in an acceptable manner.



Now for your case.

If her mom wants her, let her have her.

Let your daughter know, you'd forever do whats in her best interest and she can always come to you however she cannot act any ol way.

You dont have to be in her life, I mean you want to but if she chooses to not want you in her life then thats on her.



As fathers all we can do is be there for our children when they seek us.

As fathers all we can do is show the structure and stand by it.

As fathers our only true shot at being in our child's life is when they're grown.

 

[logicallefty]

Lefty, I would say that if your ex-wife wants to take her in, I would let her have the headache. I'm curious about the laws involved though, is there any way she could come after you for child support payments if this happens?

I already pay a small amount of child support even though it's joint. It's not the 20% typically paid in Illinois. When my daughter is with me most of the time I give the ex receipts and she pays me back for everything I spend. Thats something we worked out on our own and have never had any issues with it.

As far as your daughter goes, you cannot treat her like one of your ex-gfs which is what it sounds like you're doing. You need to be an authority figure, but you still need to cater to her emotions. With a girl, you can't be a hardcore hard-ass. No matter how "blue pill" it sounds, you need to be a bit more sympathetic and understanding. Again, this is your daughter, not a chick you're trying to seduce.

I have been wondering if I had been too hard on her. This isn't what I wanted to hear but the more I think about it I think you are right.

Regarding the psychologist, she has been seeing him 3-4x a year for many years. As I mentioned before, she has had ongoing issues with her step dad and most of the psychologist appointments are dealing with issues between them and I don't even go. He hasn't been Mr. Perfect "dad" either. One of my cards to play are pages and pages of notes my daughter write about her struggles with him. If I threw those at a Judge I think it would get some attention. Noting sexual or anything like that, but just lots of unnecessary nit picking.

I'm not thinking we will go to court over this now, especially of I say "Whatever take her back".. Sense thats what my daughter wants now I don't plan to fight it. If she said "No I want to stay with Lefty" then I would get my gloves on.

I did have the fun of telling my ex "If we go to court you may want to get a new lawyer". In 2013 I went up against her lawyer PRO SE (no lawyer representing me) against someone else who hired him, totally unrelated, and I slaughtered him in court. :yes:

 

[sodbuster]

This is just a case of "grass is greener". MAYBE show your daughter those notes, tell her to read them and ask her if she "FORGOT" and thinks moving back will be better.... She may be trying to play you both against each other. I told my son's in no uncertain terms THAT wasn't happening.

 

[Epimanes]

Oh boy.. Here.. This is a tactic I used. Firstly.. Put her in time out and make her watch the time go by.. Tell her she can come out and talk after. What I also did was tell her that if I catch her in any lie... Any.. I will confiscate everything she has but her furniture and books. And she can earn it all back with respect.. One item back per day of her choice.. (Great way to weed out crap they don't need and you find out the favorite things in the same process)

Under no circumstances should you use her tactic on herself.. You have to dog whisper your kids... Calm assertive.. No give.. But don't be verbally abusive no matter how much you feel provoked.. By using verbal abuse (telling her she's being a ***** and you can be a worse bastard is verbal abise) she wins.. So don't do it.. If the next day she behaves.. At the END of the day offer back one item for her Room.. If the next day she pulls her attitude... Calmly take back the item and start over.. It will be a slow process.. Eventually she will be able to keep the things she likes and earn respect. Chances are she is overstimulated.. And acts out accordingly.. Seperated parents don't help either.

Try that... Even set her up to lie.. Then follow through.. Calmly like its no big deal.

Epi

 

[mikey2012]

Moral of the story: Don't have kids, unless you are mega rich or a pauper. In the former you can get her nanny or boarding school teachers to deal with it. In the former, your daughter won't have time be bicshyvy since she will helping in your convenience store when she's not at school.

 

[Albatross953]

I have a boy, so I'm underqualified. But remember this forum only exists because a lot of girls didn't have a good dad. Whatever you do, don't ever quit on her.

 

[penkitten]

You have to get a grip on what is going on. Your daughter will become whiney and full of gripes and emotionally on edge every month for the rest of her life. Mark it on a calendar if you don't think I'm right. Pms starts now. Periods to follow within a year to year and a half tops. Have mercy dad. Once you notice the pattern you won't feel like your suddenly in left field. Good luck to you!

 

[logicallefty]

Ladies and gents I appreciate all of the additional feedback. Just an update: At this point I am thinking it was, in fact, some major PMS as penkitten said. It came on quickly and both my daughter and I were not prepared for it. I think it took her by surprise just as much as it did me. She told me last night "I am sorry I was such a grouch to you dad, I don't know what came over me but I was not being myself". She also asked me about moving back in with me "do you think that will be possible?" I told her "Unfortunately you have made your choice and must stand behind it for right now. In life you will make many big decisions that can not be undone easily or at all. I think you need to keep your mother's house as your primary home right now and we can revisit this subject again in a year or two. "

@Albatross953 you are so right about this site. Daddy issues in women are the root cause of a lot of the struggles we men have to deal with now.

 

[Epimanes]

Well I'm raising a fine young lady (she's 17 now) and a son who is 11 ... With my darling wife. Both respect me.. They are both A average students (On occasion they test boundries though but what kids don't?) .. I have a great relationship with them both, my wife and I got each others backs when we parent and we are both in love with each other still and sex is very regular.

I got lots of parenting advice much of which has been quite successful. Wana know what I did with a particular scenerio with your kids at various stages? Just ask...

Epi

Logical.. What age is your daughter?