Jealousy or Reasonable?

[thursday]

I've been in a serious relaitonship with a girl for a while now. We are extremely close, in love and everything seems to be mutual. It's the best relationship i've ever had.

However, something weird happened the other day.

We were talking and I happened to ask what her plans were for the following day. She paused for a long time (I could see she was thinking) and she finally answered she was meeting up with college friends to start work on a project. I thought it was a little weird at the time, because I know her very well and I almost got the impression she was hiding something else.

Fast forward 36 hours and she happens to drop into conversation something about having had dinner with a guy (a friend) the previous evening.

I was like... :trouble: but decided to let it go, be confident etc. Jealousy isn't attractive. However, she figured something was up, that i wasn't being my normal self (obviously didn't hide my confusion very well), but I assured her I was fine and we went on to have a great evening together.

My question is, am I being jealous? Or am I reasonable to feel slightly uneasy at what happened? Going to dinner with one guy... not telling me about it beforehand even though I asked... all seems a bit weird. Also, what do you make of it? Something to worry about? Or one of those sh1t tests i've heard about?

 

[ViciousDADogg]

Either it is a sh1t test or not.


She lied to you. You let that go. You decreased her IL, I think. Proper way to handle that was to ask about how it went with her college friends. Let her explain herself. (of course without demanding explanation)


Dinner with a guy friend? Again, low IL..


Can you move on? This girl can't be the greatest thing in your life. As you beging trying to keep her her IL will drop. My suggestion is that you have a dinner with your friend girl. If you don't have one find one. Raises her IL and gives you a breath of fresh air.

The most life you could have as a man is date several women or be in LTR with several women. So why limit your self to just one, why be a small guy.

 

[thursday]

Well, I don't see the problem with monogamy. There's nothing more sad than a 40/50 year old guy who is still trying to bed women.

What I mean is, i'm about ready for LTR.

As for dinner with her friend. Maybe it was innocent, I guess i'll have to trust her. It was more because she lied/withheld her true plans the day before.

So, should I go to dinner with a friend girl and sh1t test her? :S

 

[Phyzzle]

Dam, you should have said something right away when you found out. As for being insecure, Women say “stop being insecure” to keep you from pointing out the insulting, disrespectful things they do to harm the relationship. Remember: this isn’t a matter of your possessiveness, it’s a matter of her respect for you.

There is a line between appropriate and innappropriate behavior for monogamy, and she crossed it.

My advice now, just ask her "so do you think our relationship should be open? Should we see other people?"

(Act like you've met a new hottie, and want to take things further.)

If she says "no", say "we'll you're already going on dates with other guys, so I kinda figured . . ."

She might try to explain that it wasn't a date, but tell her you weren't invited, it was 1 on 1, it was obviously a date. Tell her you're up for dating around as well. Don't back down until she admits she was wrong, or she'll keep doing it until she finds a new guy.

 

[thursday]

Dam, you should have said something right away when you found out. As for being insecure, Women say “stop being insecure” to keep you from pointing out the insulting, disrespectful things they do to harm the relationship. Remember: this isn’t a matter of your possessiveness, it’s a matter of her respect for you.

There is a line between appropriate and innappropriate behavior for monogamy, and she crossed it.

My advice now, just ask her "so do you think our relationship should be open? Should we see other people?"

(Act like you've met a new hottie, and want to take things further.)

If she says "no", say "we'll you're already going on dates with other guys, so I kinda figured . . ."

She might try to explain that it wasn't a date, but tell her you weren't invited, it was 1 on 1, it was obviously a date. Tell her you're up for dating around as well. Don't back down until she admits she was wrong, or she'll keep doing it until she finds a new guy.

Well, she referred to him as a friend, so I figured, if I press on this, i'll just end up coming off as an insecure idiot.

But you are right, our relationship is supposed to be exclusive. If I mentioned a girl I was having dinner with, she wouldn't be happy.

 

[ViciousDADogg]

There's nothing more sad than a 40/50 year old guy who is still trying to bed women.

My best friend is 51... I'm 26... He is not trying to bed women, he does bed them. He's also getting married soon on a 30 something year old.

Sad? I don't see sadness in there. But whatever. That's just my reality. Your reality is scary. You relying on a single woman for hapiness. That's like trusting a magician to shoot an apple off your head.

 

[ViciousDADogg]

Well, she referred to him as a friend, so I figured, if I press on this, i'll just end up coming off as an insecure idiot.

But you are right, our relationship is supposed to be exclusive. If I mentioned a girl I was having dinner with, she wouldn't be happy.

You have the ammunition. Do what phyzzle suggested.. Also don't forget about a date with your friend girl. You can do that right away. It's fun as heck and you will raise her IL.

 

[thursday]

My best friend is 51... I'm 26... He is not trying to bed women, he does bed them. He's also getting married soon on a 30 something year old.

Sad? I don't see sadness in there. But whatever. That's just my reality. Your reality is scary. You relying on a single woman for hapiness. That's like trusting a magician to shoot an apple off your head.

Wasn't a personal attack on you. I just mean we all have to settle down sometime. Read the DJ Bible, most famous posters talk about the eventual aim being a LTR.

 

[ViciousDADogg]

You don't have to be exclussive to maintain LTR.

 

[LittleBigOne]

Did she ever mentioned this guy before? Being jealous is not too bad, it makes clear to yourself you care about your gf. However, it is also a sign that you think pretty much soon that you are not worthy for her or that you might think he is better then you. I am almost sure HE is having romantic interest in your gf but that doesn't mean your gf is having that too when she is in a good relationship with you (is SHE?).
Do not show your jealousy or freak out to her but ask in casual way some questions about him and the dinner (not: are you in love with him!?). Listen well to your gf about what she tells about him.
If you notice she continues this behaviour, like telling afterwards she had a dinner, and you stay feeling uneasy, tell her you don't like it without demanding her things. If she doesn't commit, dumb her.
Important: SHE should not be the one who makes the difference of YOUR mood. Don't take ****.
Keep us updated!

 

[thursday]

Did she ever mentioned this guy before? Being jealous is not too bad, it makes clear to yourself you care about your gf. However, it is also a sign that you think pretty much soon that you are not worthy for her or that you might think he is better then you. I am almost sure HE is having romantic interest in your gf but that doesn't mean your gf is having that too when she is in a good relationship with you (is SHE?).
Do not show your jealousy or freak out to her but ask in casual way some questions about him and the dinner (not: are you in love with him!?). Listen well to your gf about what she tells about him.
If you notice she continues this behaviour, like telling afterwards she had a dinner, and you stay feeling uneasy, tell her you don't like it without demanding her things. If she doesn't commit, dumb her.
Important: SHE should not be the one who makes the difference of YOUR mood. Don't take ****.
Keep us updated!

Thanks, that's good advice.

Do you reckon I should take a 'friend' of my own out sometime and casually mention it? Do a sh1t test of my own, see how she reacts? and if she reacts badly it gives me the chance to give her sh1t about going to dinner with that guy.

 

[LittleBigOne]

Thanks, that's good advice.

Do you reckon I should take a 'friend' of my own out sometime and casually mention it? Do a sh1t test of my own, see how she reacts? and if she reacts badly it gives me the chance to give her sh1t about going to dinner with that guy.

Look, this has nothing to do with tests. Your gf doesn't think like "let's test my own bf". Woman test you in the beginning, just to filter out if you are good enough. So i think the dinnerguy has been tested by your gf!
You said your relationship is doing well, but be honoust, is the relationship doing really well? It is possible that your gf lost a bit of interest in you. Does she ever complain about things in the relationship (even small things).
Don't give her sh!t, act like a man. If you give her that it is also a sign of being insecure.
Conclusion: if you go out with other 'friend' you might fall prey to gossip, don't talk sh!t about the dinnerguy, put a positive spin on the situation and show your gf that another guy in her life can't steal your joy.

 

[Alphamale1821]

The question is whether she slipped this in the conversation on purpose or accidentally.....She either wants you to be jealous or she is 'looking'.

I would NEVER retaliate by going out with someone else. That screams insecurity as well.

It may be too late now, but you should have called her on the lie she caught herself in. At this point it's all about seeing him again. If they start spending more time together, throw a party and make sure he's invited. It's a good way to meet the guy and assess what's going on. NEVER make yourself out to be jealous.

I don't see how going out with a friend is screaming insecurity. If done in the correct way it demeonstrates that even though i'm with you i still have my options of women and i'm not threated by any guy you go on a date with because i can easily get another girl any time. It's all about how your bring it up. IF she mention she's going out then you say "well you know what i'm going to go out with some girlfriends then" Yeah that says insecurity. However say on day 1 the girl does what the op girl does. You remain calm and blah blah.

Day 2 you tell you girl friend straight up in advance what your plans are with a friend girl, that doesn't scream insecurity. It subconscious says i'm telling you as a man and i have nothing to hide, if she gets angry and jealous that can just further prove my point that she has something to hide. A man always needs to have his selection of women whether he be single or exclusvie. Until marriage that's when a man should actually have intentions of being with only one women.

 

[cordoncordon]

Personally? If my gf told me that she was meeting some college friends to start work on a project, and it turns out she had dinner with some guy and told me AFTER the fact?

I. WOULD. NOT. BE. HAPPY.

First of all, she lied about what she was doing, so she knew there was "something" wrong with seeing the guy.

I think some of you are playing up this "being a DJ, don't be insecure, don't be jealous" too much. They are in a relationship. The least he can expect is to be told truthfully what she is doing and that she will not go on "dinner dates" with other men, especially ones he doesn't know about.

There is a difference between being confident and being a pushover and letting someone disrespect you. I highly doubt if he had been the one to go on the date with some "girl friend" that his gf would have sat there and said nothing.

 

[Alphamale1821]

Personally? If my gf told me that she was meeting some college friends to start work on a project, and it turns out she had dinner with some guy and told me AFTER the fact?

I. WOULD. NOT. BE. HAPPY.

First of all, she lied about what she was doing, so she knew there was "something" wrong with seeing the guy.

I think some of you are playing up this "being a DJ, don't be insecure, don't be jealous" too much. They are in a relationship. The least he can expect is to be told truthfully what she is doing and that she will not go on "dinner dates" with other men, especially ones he doesn't know about.

There is a difference between being confident and being a pushover and letting someone disrespect you. I highly doubt if he had been the one to go on the date with some "girl friend" that his gf would have sat there and said nothing.

exactly i mean she did lie to him and as a man in the relationship you let her know that it's not acceptable, however you can do it in a way that doesn't make you jealous. I don't know i can't speak for you guy's but i know I'm the prize in any relationship so that's why Im never threatened or jealous. The fact that my girlfriend lied to me after the fact would raise suspicious ons for me but i would know how to react. The fact that she did that I WOULD lose interest in her. WHAT THe FUUCK Is goin on around here. Your gf lied to you about seeing another guy and you come here asking if you reacted reasonable or jealous when she is the one who lied. You let the biitch know that you don't appreciate her lying and the disrespect she is showing towards you. If she cares about you she will try to make it up to you. If she seems un moved it's time for NEXT. She's just one of many biitches in this world. MEN need to start acting like MEN.

 

[cordoncordon]

Agree Alpha. Lately this board had gotten too caught up in the whole don't show emotion idea. So what? If you care about someone and they disrespect you like this girl did to Thursday, you are just supposed to let is slide and do the same to her without saying a word? That's childish.

BS. You tell her point of fact that what she did is NOT ACCEPTABLE, and if she wants to be in a relationship with him, she wiill not lie or do something like that again. If she does want to do that again, then there's the door.

Time to start being men.......gentlemen!

 

[Alphamale1821]

Agree Alpha. Lately this board had gotten too caught up in the whole don't show emotion idea. So what? If you care about someone and they disrespect you like this girl did to Thursday, you are just supposed to let is slide and do the same to her without saying a word? That's childish.

BS. You tell her point of fact that what she did is NOT ACCEPTABLE, and if she wants to be in a relationship with him, she wiill not lie or do something like that again. If she does want to do that again, then there's the door.

Time to start being men.......gentlemen!

Yeah your right dude but hey you can beat common sense and knowledge into people full of ignorance. We can only try to help but unfortunately most of the good advice is over looked by all the silly questions and entertainment that goes on around here.

 

[LittleBigOne]

BS. You tell her point of fact that what she did is NOT ACCEPTABLE, and if she wants to be in a relationship with him, she wiill not lie or do something like that again. If she does want to do that again, then there's the door.
QUOTE]

By doing this she won't even tell the next time she met another guy, by this you will make her feel less comfortable in the ltr and make her cheat for SURE.

But if you feel uncomfortable in the ltr with such situation and there is no improvement with her behaviour i would keep the honour to myself and leave her. Don't tell her to leave, YOU will leave her!

 

[cordoncordon]

Dude anyone can lie or cheat at anytime in a relationship. At least with him stating this, his feelings are known and puts her on notice that he won't put up with unacceptable behavior.

Now, if she had told him ahead of time she was having dinner with a male friend? That's fine.

 

[Fela Kuti]

a bit OT, but it's pretty relevant: what if your GF says that yesterday she went to the movie, but doesn't tell you who she's with. is it insecure to ask who she's with? thanks.