Jariel's post on NC

[Spearmint]

I have asked a few questions on my ex and I hate to mull over the same subject twice but being a reasonably intellectual guy, I like to stop my mind wandering with some solid facts or what not.

Anyway, I read Jariel's post a few days ago all about NC and it gave real good examples and such.

I have been considering it, in fact I am going to try and carry it out, for the purpose of bettering myself but I admit also because right now a part of me still yearns for that girl.


Anyway, here's the situation from a previous post

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=190994


and today it developed.


After my ex had said she wants time to think and space.


Her bestfriend had been speaking to me and she said the following.


I don't think she needs 'time to think', I feel like youve given yourself false hope. I think you'll be friends in time, but that'll be it now.

Its what she said to you the other day and I think she means it. I havent spoken to her about it today but I think thats what she wants, I dont really know anymore, I just dont want you getting your hopes up.

I think she doesn't want anything with you because her feelings have gone and she doesn't want anyone.


I think she just realised that she didnt feel as strongly as she thought she did, and then you were asking her questions which made it worse, and then the whole her friend looking at your internet history and seeing you asking for advice on a forum thing made it even worse, I think it was just too much for her/ I assume she wants space so you can get over it. She would like to be friends in the future but that obviously cant happen at the moment.


I asked her friend if what she was saying is that this girl was over it and she said;


Yes, afraid so. Sorry I hate to be the bearer of bad news. You did mean alot to her and you do still mean a lot to her, she doesnt want to see you upset or hurt. She just realised that she didnt feel as strongly about you as she thought (in terms of being with you) but of course you still mean something to her as a friend.


You weren't a rebound, I think as her best friend that I know her a little bit better than you do. You weren't a rebound, if you were, the great sex would have been the only thing she wanted, she wouldn't of gone out with you.


You've never been a ****, it's just not what she wants. You cant force her to want it. You've been lovely but she doesnt want it. Use that lovliness on someone else who really wants it.


I said as a last thing that, if she has moved on so quickly then she clearly didn't have all those feelings for me.

The response;

No, she moved on because she doesnt feel it anymore, therefore its not fair to lead you on. Sorry I hate to be the one to upset you, I feel like a right ***** now, I just didn't want you getting your hopes up for something that wasn't going to happen.







FINALLY.

My question.

Is it possible to move on from someone that quickly if the feelings were genuine? In the past she said she was 'over' her ex, whilst she was still with him because he never spoke to he for two months whilst he was at university.
After they broke up, she found out he cheated on her and she wanted answers from him, despite the fact I said to just leave him be and all that.


Obviously only now I realise that she probably wasn't as over her ex as she made out.



Basically. I am at the same university as her, so Jariel's NC, would it work both for me and anything between me and her in the future?


I see the problem, it was rushed into so quickly, it could of been slower, so I know theoretically if I had the chance it would to go slower again and that.


Any tips would be great.

Peace x

 

[Johnnyventana]

What do you hope to accomplish? 20 people could say, "No, it's not possible to move on that quickly from real feelings." (that won't happen btw) Anyway, then what? You tell your ex that she is wrong about her feelings? Based on 20 randoms?

Also, it seems the friend made it pretty clear about how your ex feels, and you didn't seem to grasp any of it. You kept challenging it.

You talk about NC. But you are still trying to figure out a way back in, to what from the outside, looks pretty hopeless.

NC is for you. Do it, you need it. Walk away before you lose your dignity. Any more chasing at this point will turn this girl from feeling bad, to hating you.

I think you needed a verbal slap.

 

[Spearmint]

I saw the examples on Jariels thread and sort of wanted that to be me as well.

It hasn't been a long break up, a few days if that. Which is why I wanted to know if she was just bull****ting about being completely over it or not.

So I block her on facebook, when I see her about round university and in nightclubs I ignore her?

 

[Johnnyventana]

Why be so dramatic. Just go away for a bit, for you. Don't chase, or talk to her friends about her. No need to ignore her in person. Hi - Bye - on your way. Don't appear bitter or petty.

And work on yourself.

 

[Aaron B]

coulda, shoulda, woulda

it is what it is

low interest, next

 

[shizz702]

Stop thinking about it and trying to rationalize her actions, it will only lead to frustration.

Move on and get to NC'ing her. In the mean time focus on yourself, do things that make you happy and productive. This will also be a good time to spend some time with your bros. Keep busy by all means necessary.

Don't ever initiate contact with her from this point on. Let her come to you, if she will.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Spearmint --

Let me give you a real response here, because I know your bugged out a bit right now.

The real truth is most relationships that end and then come back together seem to have the tendency to end again. It's not always absolutely the truth, but most of the times there are real issues that cause a relationship to breakdown -- and often once that point is hit and the ensuing friction occurs, it is hard to go backwards. Often times through those points of friction too only more negative things are colored onto the relationship and it makes it very hard to just go back to like nothing has happened.

NC is a method by which you do a few things -- (a) it gives space for the other person so that you are not up in their face -- clearly you are devastated and are looking for understanding and closure, but often times the more we interact the worse things get -- we keep stirring emotions, not only in ourselves but in the other person too, and this doesn't help. So space to let yourself heal is a big part of it (b) it gives her an opportunity to think about you and to miss you -- that's if there is any hope for anything going back together. Sometimes a person with time suddenly wonders where you went, misses their interaction with you, and may even question their own judgement. NC can have that effect too. It's good for people to miss you a bit every once in awhile. NC also (c) prevents you from doing anything stupid and gives time to move on.

But also, your attention in some ways is of value.

People always want one another's attention.

When you NC from a bad situation, you are withdrawing your energy and yourself. This is important because it allows you to have emotional solace in yourself, but it also can at times irk people to realize that you won't just tolerate anything, and won't be pushed around.

The real thing you have to understand is there is no secret way into getting someone to care about you. If someone's emotions change and they no longer care about that person, there's really not much you can do, short of psychological mind games -- but you have to ask yourself is that the sort of relationship you want? And how long does that fix work? Do you want someone to care about you simply because you pulled some mind-tricks on them? How about instead looking at the real issues that led to problems and learn to address the fixes in yourself and better learn what you want into the future out of a relationship, or what you need out of someone that maybe this one couldn't provide.

Often times the harder we try to get someone back, the worse it can make things.

There are of course exceptions...but in my personal life...of the times I have tried to rebuild a relationship..in the end I feel stupid, salty, and embarrassed.

Who knows why this chick got with you if she was still interacting with her ex. One thing you have to learn from this is that is a major red flag. When a chick is still talking to her many exes, or engaging them, then she clearly has not moved past them, and you may simply be a crutch for her emotional needs at the time.

One thing you have to understand is not only has she, but also her friend, clearly communicated to you, that she has changed her emotions, wants other things, and has 'moved on'. I know it is a cold reality but you have to understand truly there is not much you can do to win her back.

Some people go through many many LTRs in their lifetime. Some people go through a few, get married, get divorced, get married again, get divorced. Some people go through LTRs until they find someone they really enjoy being with. I wish I could give you some simple understanding of relationship and things to settle your mind, but this is just part of life. You start dating someone, you have chemistry, that either grows or that falls apart. Sometimes people are stronger or weaker than others, have major self-flaws greater or weaker than others...really the only way you can work to ensure your relationship success in the future is by working on yourself.

Get your body, finances, personal needs met. When you are doing the things you need to do to make yourself happy, it is that much easier to be in a mutual relationship.

So as hard as it is, you need to snap yourself out of this. You need to cut your losses here. So what she saw your internet history and snitched (b!tch). Back off of all of these people -- nod your head when you see them (if you want) -- carry on with your life and begin focusing on yourself. Be 'friends' if you so wish, but don't let your dignity be undercut. Let her be the one to try and establish friendship. And if that hurts because you want more -- than keep her at a distance -- you don't HAVE to be friends with her. Only if you feel comfortable and are able to move on OK. For me at least, I have real trouble being 'friends' with my exes...just always makes me feel like garbage and I have more trouble moving on.

She is focusing entirely on herself right now, you need to not worry about what she is doing -- ignore her -- she is no longer important -- she is not going to be continuing down the trail of life with you -- so you have to look around and see who YOU are and what YOU want.

I promise you if you can't keep your attention off of her you're going to torture yourself for awhile.

You have no choice but to move on with your life and engage in some realm of self improvement. Be who you want to be. It is her loss. You will be that much prepared for the next one.

Stay positive man. I know breakups suck ass -- my first real LTR breakup was the hardest -- I promise you the rest get a little easier -- you have to be patient but for the love of god focus on yourself and don't be supplicating to her needs while she has cut you off. Cut her off and focus on yourself. You're just going to irritate her more, and lose more dignity. She's not worth it man. Take this as a growing lesson you've got so much more of life ahead of you.

PS -- Who cares she is at the same university. You may choose to date another at the same school and you break up with her also. If you are worried about girls being in your school, find women outside of your school so if you breakup they're not so wrapped into your life (I don't know how big your school is). You will be OK I promise, assuming you start disconnecting and working on you and what you want. Don't be some creeper to this girl. If you see her around it may hurt, just move on, don't let it ruin your day -- focus on other things and work on finding a better woman. My personal story is I had a breakup with my first real LTR and we lived a few doors apart in the SAME apartment complex. For 8 months post breakup I had to pass her place every day, see all of her **** and family coming and going -- look man I promise you, you are not alone in that regard. You will be OK. Fvck this b1tch. Move on man she's not worth it!

 

[Jariel]

Why be so dramatic. Just go away for a bit, for you. Don't chase, or talk to her friends about her. No need to ignore her in person. Hi - Bye - on your way. Don't appear bitter or petty.

And work on yourself.

Yep, exactly.

There's a general rule in relationships that whoever cares the least has the most power. I'm sure things were good when you were together, but now that she's left you and has lost feelings, it's driving you crazy and you want her more than anything. That's the psychology behind no contact. You become unattainable, distant and indifferent and it increases your value.

Feelings are a strange thing and yes, they can come and go overnight. I've had many women obsess over me for weeks, then suddenly lose interest over night. There's nothing logical about it. But caring too much (or showing that you do) about someone tends to repel them.

As for the here and now, I agree with Johnny that you should just cut your contact down to passing hi's. Don't go and talk to her at any point, don't contact her, but if you pass her be polite yet indifferent. Don't stick around to talk, let her see that you're busy and you have more important things than her.

Also, now is the perfect chance to work on yourself. Read up on the posts here, research a good diet and gym routine, and use the pain you feel now to motivate you. So in time to come instead of seeing the downtrodden guy she left behind, she'll see a new and improved version.

 

[Spearmint]

I will take this all on board, it's good to have some distinguished people commenting.

In terms of the situation though, are there any positives I can look at
I know the usual one give away is if she wants to remain your friend.


Do I need to let her know I don't really wish to be her friend just yet (or even in the future, I don't know) or just get on with it?


I haven't explicitly agreed to anything, I haven't been like;
"Hey it's cool, don't worry about it no hard feelings"


Also.

If I learn in the future of her with another guy or whatever and I feel annoyed or anything like that or cheated, what do I think/remember


Apart from her being a hypocrite

 

[Mr. Suave]

I've been in a similar situation in the past and I know how bad it feels to hear things like that especially coming from her friend rather than from her own mouth. An experience like this is actually why I turned to becoming a player in the first place. It actually didn't feel good, and people probably think it's oh so great to screw 100 girls a day but the honest truth is moving past that situation I was in was one of the most painful things I've ever been through. Trust me when you think you've found "true love" and it all goes pear shaped the Playboy-model looking girls across the room don't mean all that much.

Anyway from experience, and this is something I had to do a loooong time ago, is to try and go out a lot and overload yourself with new girls. Overload. Like I said they probably won't do much at first in terms of making you feel better but you set a goal in your mind of: "I want to be amazing with women" and you just keep going out meeting more and more girls. Don't just meet them, spend time analyzing in your head how you can improve, what you do good and bad, the interest levels of the girls you meet. Basically the objective is to overload your mind with so many new girls to spend time thinking about that your ex won't crop up... And in the process you gain an enviable skill. People say focus on hobbies and at the time when I did my kickboxing training it took my mind off of her, but the problem is your mind WILL turn to women at some point so focusing on hobbies won't fix the issue of thoughts of her cropping up, you NEED to replace your thought patterns of when you start thinking of sex etc, that means instead of thinking "my ex waaaa" whenever you get horny you think "oh **** remember that hot girl I met at the bar I should call her".

One word of warning however... You will be prone to falling in love with new girls. One girl gives you a slight inkling of affection and you're going to be developing feelings quicker than is normal. So just be aware of that and try to stay detached until you're 100% sure they want to be with you and even then don't become overbearing.

Once you've done this you shouldn't even care about "should I go NC on her?!" or "should I improve so she'll love me?!" you simply won't care about her anymore because your mind is focused on other girls. This is just stuff from my personal experience and it pretty much changed my life to go through this.

 

[Jariel]

I will take this all on board, it's good to have some distinguished people commenting.

In terms of the situation though, are there any positives I can look at
I know the usual one give away is if she wants to remain your friend.


Do I need to let her know I don't really wish to be her friend just yet (or even in the future, I don't know) or just get on with it?


I haven't explicitly agreed to anything, I haven't been like;
"Hey it's cool, don't worry about it no hard feelings"


Also.

If I learn in the future of her with another guy or whatever and I feel annoyed or anything like that or cheated, what do I think/remember


Apart from her being a hypocrite

Right now I understand you're clinging to every thread of hope. I remember when I've been in this situation I've been thinking I'll try absolutely anything until I run out of options. But you will always think of something..."I'll say this one thing then leave it upto her" or "I'll be friends with her and then use my new seduction skills to change her mind" and so on.

My advice is not to say anything and absolutely do not be her friend. The friendship thing is only a consolation offer. I guarantee if you ask her to hang out, go to the cinema or do the things friends do, she will shoot you down. When a girl says she wants to be friends, what she means is that she wants to remain civil.

Let's just say there is a chance you can recapture her feelings one day. The only way I see you doing this is by cutting your ties with her and moving on. When she sees you with another girl, when she sees you looking confident and happy with your life and when she realises you have put her behind you - that's when she's going to miss you.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Let's just say there is a chance you can recapture her feelings one day. The only way I see you doing this is by cutting your ties with her and moving on. When she sees you with another girl, when she sees you looking confident and happy with your life and when she realises you have put her behind you - that's when she's going to miss you.

But by then you'll probably be happier than you were when you were with her! At some point you'll be glad everything went on as it did and your life will be better!

Stay positive -- know other women are ahead of you -- know you have tons and tons of experiences at your fingertips! Now is your chance to grab life by the balls!!

Anyway from experience, and this is something I had to do a loooong time ago, is to try and go out a lot and overload yourself with new girls. Overload. Like I said they probably won't do much at first in terms of making you feel better but you set a goal in your mind of: "I want to be amazing with women" and you just keep going out meeting more and more girls. Don't just meet them, spend time analyzing in your head how you can improve, what you do good and bad, the interest levels of the girls you meet. Basically the objective is to overload your mind with so many new girls to spend time thinking about that your ex won't crop up... And in the process you gain an enviable skill. People say focus on hobbies and at the time when I did my kickboxing training it took my mind off of her, but the problem is your mind WILL turn to women at some point so focusing on hobbies won't fix the issue of thoughts of her cropping up, you NEED to replace your thought patterns of when you start thinking of sex etc, that means instead of thinking "my ex waaaa" whenever you get horny you think "oh **** remember that hot girl I met at the bar I should call her".

^^this is good advice...so is the bit about falling again..only matter of time till some other lady catches your eye!^^

 

[Spearmint]

Thanks guys for the responses.

It's tough because I understand concepts and what people talk about on here, Perserverance who has commented on here knows my situation better than most but you all say the same things

I'm just feeling it hard, I'll find myself going to sleep easily, I'll wake up in the morning and throughout the day when i'm up and about, I'll regret things I did.



And I can't even think of what I did wrong or what went wrong or what messed up. I find myself wishing I hadn't left my computer on and her friend had gotten on to my SS account or that I should of said less when she first said this to me. At first I stayed quiet and emotionless then slowly it broke me down.

What hurts the most is now it seems she doesn't care and has gotten over it because she has no feelings for me anymore, is that the memories I had can't even be felt as good memories now, it all seems like complete bull


And the thought of her having that with another boy is like a punch to the gut. I just hate how she gave up so easily, rather than stick at it, like I did when I felt my feelings drop a little, she just did the opposite.

I hate feelings, more so I hate them now when it seems they're unrequited

Are there any uplifting words which can brighten my mood



I literally feel torn, a part of me wants to hate her and curse about her, the other half still has these feelings for her, still misses her and my head knows that she didn't do anything wrong except not try.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Thanks guys for the responses.

It's tough because I understand concepts and what people talk about on here, Perserverance who has commented on here knows my situation better than most but you all say the same things

I'm just feeling it hard, I'll find myself going to sleep easily, I'll wake up in the morning and throughout the day when i'm up and about, I'll regret things I did.



And I can't even think of what I did wrong or what went wrong or what messed up. I find myself wishing I hadn't left my computer on and her friend had gotten on to my SS account or that I should of said less when she first said this to me. At first I stayed quiet and emotionless then slowly it broke me down.

What hurts the most is now it seems she doesn't care and has gotten over it because she has no feelings for me anymore, is that the memories I had can't even be felt as good memories now, it all seems like complete bull


And the thought of her having that with another boy is like a punch to the gut. I just hate how she gave up so easily, rather than stick at it, like I did when I felt my feelings drop a little, she just did the opposite.

I hate feelings, more so I hate them now when it seems they're unrequited

Are there any uplifting words which can brighten my mood



I literally feel torn, a part of me wants to hate her and curse about her, the other half still has these feelings for her, still misses her and my head knows that she didn't do anything wrong except not try.

OP, you've received lots of great advice on this thread, be sure to take it on board, even if it's hard work at first. We've all been through rejections/ being dumped- it gets easier, I promise you that.

As other people have said, the best things you can do now are:

1) Stop thinking about your ex. Remember the good times for what they were, but second-guessing yourself about what you did wrong is unhealthy. Avoid contacting her, but stop short of deleting her off FB or going out of your way to avoid her and your mutual friends. Be civil.

2) Focus on hobbies and your male friends. Ask yourself what you really enjoy doing, and channel your emotional energy into that rather than pining over your ex. I play guitar in a band, and when my oneitis left me just over a year ago, I was saved by the hours I could put into practising.

3) See other girls. It took me 2-3 hook ups to get my first oneitis out of my system. Spending time getting physical with other girls really helps you take your mind off your ex- especially if the new girls are better quality!

Best of luck, you seem to be on the right lines. In a few months I bet you'll stumble across these posts and be like, "what was I thinking?"

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Are there any uplifting words which can brighten my mood

Brother, please understand that this stuff is not easy and there is no doubt your mind will keep dipping into the past, going back through 'what-if's', all sorts of things your mind will pull to re-highlight times you had -- I don't know why the brain does this -- maybe part of it is we are trying to 'figure out'. But you have to let your mind be free of these thoughts if you can, either by forcing them in another direction or finding a rationalization that works for you -- getting angry is also natural. Google something about the stages of 'grieving' -- it's not much different when losing an LTR.

You have to stay positive. And this is not easy. And in some ways we are all allowed our own moments of weakness and sadness and even sometimes self-pity -- fine, feel it, and move on, that's the only way.

You don't have to be 'buddies' with her -- it is hard to be happy when someone rejects you -- and it is very hard when you feel strongly about someone but they don't feel the same way.

Look man, I drove 1,000 miles to be with a girl who proclaimed how much she cared about me, we met for a month, did LDR for two months, man it all crashed and burned -- trust me people here have been through some way worse things than that even and have come out to be happy and find women in positive ways that enable them.

One thing you have to say is okay, this chick never loved me, didn't want to stick it with me ... why waste any more energy on her? If she's not good enough to stick through some bummer moments, you already know she would never be there if you REALLY needed her. Find a woman who isn't going to flake out on you -- and this will take time.

When you are the university level, you really ought to be out dating multiple girls. This is something I didn't grasp until AFTER I was out of school. You should be dating around and meeting lots of different women to better understand what suits you and what you want. We go through different relationships and by that process we definitely can get hurt -- but they also serve as momentous life learning lessons and help us understand what we really need for ourselves.

Find someone whose strengths and weaknesses counter your own. These things take time. I'm 27, I've been in a few serious LTRs and had more dates than I can count and man it's just a constant process.

But despite the pain and confusion, you got to keep yourself up, this is your life.

You want positive and encouraging words?

Think of it this way: at least this is all understood now. At least you didn't marry her. At least you didn't have babies with her. At least things are civil. Some people end relationships without any of the previous things.

Also, you are so young and have your whole life ahead of you -- there are so many things awaiting! Be excited! You could travel overseas, or find a job in a city some exotic place you like, or begin a new hobby that becomes an important part of your life!

You are young enough that if you wanted to be a pro-bodybuilder, or a professional scuba diver, you still could!

Take life by the balls and use this pain as an opportunity for self-reflection, discovering what you need, and growing. Pain is how we grow sometimes. Use this as an opportunity to get yourself onto something that really lights your fire.

I promise you you are not alone in your struggles you and absolutely can 100% overcome this and any other 'dumpings' and find a way to be a really happy person.

Spearmint my man stay up!!!!!!!!!! :rockon:

 

[SamTheHobit]

^^ Great post. Actually releavent to me. When my gf broke it of with me.I took it hard so, I decided no contact. Changed my number. This is actually why I sighned up here. Any way four months of absolutlly no contact I decided to contact her after months of pining. I thought just maybe we could work things out. Wrong. So we met up about three times sinse the break up, trying to spark any sort of attraction. That failed. So she basically friendzoned me. I kept thinking I had a chance. Any way the past 20 days was silence. She contacted me I ignored. And today she contacted me. I finally had a enough a whole fvcking year of wasted energy on her. I probably came of afc or whatever. So a bit of chit chat and she asks why i've been so quite. So I said it doesnt matter. Then she says isn't that what '''friends''' ask? Fvck it. I basicaly told her that she should leave me alone. And move on with our lives.

Yeah i'm feeling like **** now, after ending 3 years of knowing each other. Maybe it was a bad idea I don't know. But this is the only way I can finaly set my self free of her.

Rant-

 

[Buddha_Mind]

^^ Great post. Actually releavent to me. When my gf broke it of with me.I took it hard so, I decided no contact. Changed my number. This is actually why I sighned up here. Any way four months of absolutlly no contact I decided to contact her after months of pining. I thought just maybe we could work things out. Wrong. So we met up about three times sinse the break up, trying to spark any sort of attraction. That failed. So she basically friendzoned me. I kept thinking I had a chance. Any way the past 20 days was silence. She contacted me I ignored. And today she contacted me. I finally had a enough a whole fvcking year of wasted energy on her. I probably came of afc or whatever. So a bit of chit chat and she asks why i've been so quite. So I said it doesnt matter. Then she says isn't that what '''friends''' ask? Fvck it. I basicaly told her that she should leave me alone. And move on with our lives.

Yeah i'm feeling like **** now, after ending 3 years of knowing each other. Maybe it was a bad idea I don't know. But this is the only way I can finaly set my self free of her.

Rant-

Dude it's because by keeping them in your life it is almost impossible to heal. It's like you have a wound and there is this shard of glass in there. It can't fvcking close up all the way until that glass is removed. Sure there may be a scar, but hey when it's still pried open it certainly can't heal.

That's my perspective at least. I don't want to jade people that you can't be friend with your ex's. I know that some can but this never works for me. The only way for myself to heal is to pull that person out of my life -- if it had worked out they would still be in my life -- but they aren't, so I have to move on.