wjh
Master Don Juan
Hi guys. This is going to be quite the mind dump and lengthy, I apologize for that in advance, I just feel like this situation that I'm in has been long in the making and it requires context to understand.
Anyhow...
At the end of the day I feel like I've let myself down, because I haven't had the tenacity to keep striving for what I've really wanted - but that's because I haven't had the understanding or experience to really know what I wanted.
Let me explain my past first. I've been with maybe 20-25 different girls, something like that. I've lost count. I don't remember a lot of these girls' names because they were insignificant, and I don't like that. Thinking back, I feel like most of my successes were fairly easy in terms of proximity to me and what I had to do to actually score. I don't feel like I completely really tackled the fear of rejection. Even now, I still have problems with it, and I know the answer for why and how I can fix the problem... But I digress.
I'm currently with a girl that I like in a lot of ways, and have trouble with in others. She's a "good girl" and I recognize that most guys would be very happy with her. She's really pretty, probably a solid 8 or 9. My family absolutely loves her, and she's shown to be very good with kids. Here's the thing, I'm practically on track to marry her. And I currently live with her.
But I have issues with her... And I feel like my weak past, in terms of women and my general approach toward life, gives me the feeling that I've left a lot to be desired. One issue with is that she is too body-conscious and won't wear short shorts, short skirts, short dresses, etc. because she thinks she's fat. It's not just that though, she'll make comments about how stuff I think is hot is trashy or slutty, and she'll NEVER make a concession. I've bought her stuff I think is hot to wear, and she'll make a regretful face and hate it. It pisses me off. She's made little attempt to make me happy in this regard, and it's depressing. Even little things, like when we're just at home relaxing, she'll wear really ugly sweats instead of some hot shorts or whatever, even knowing how much I like that.
Sex... Well, it's plain. I don't even like having sex with her because she doesn't like to "f*ck" she likes to "make love" which consists of me getting on top and ****ing her and kissing her until she orgasms and then maybe riding me afterward. She'll give me a BJ here and there, but it's not exciting. Even in the beginning it wasn't terribly exciting, and it struck me as odd even then because she's totally into me.
And now I've gone to lengths of sleeping with a couple girls that weren't even all that, girls from my past that were easy lays (different area code chicks). And I've even struck up a convo with another ex who I just thought was great in the sack and dressed hot, but I won't do anything with her because it won't be worth it since she's a BPD heh.
I try to go to the gym often, and I look pretty good right now, but not what I would call my ideal. Money's tight right now, so my clothes are lacking. I need to invest more in that.
Here's the thing, I don't know how to proceed... Do I take the good girl who on MOST levels is great, really sweet, affectionate, etc. But won't be freaky? Won't dress sexy? Etc.?
I feel like I'm getting close to the end because I'm not sure how much longer I can take the boring sex... And I also feel like I still need to develop myself because I'm not happy with my approach anxiety and lack of social support (friends). AND I could probably save more money if she wasn't in my life.
OH YA - I work with her, and we've broken up once in the past for like a week. I feel like I have to admit this crap here so that I can fully come to grips with this situation and not end up in an unhappy marriage with two kids I love but can't be the best dad who loves their mom that I can be.
OH YA - The girlfriend's dad is a complete jerk, so there are daddy issues. I mean those probably play into her body issues since he makes references to her being over weight sometimes which is ridiculous... He's a diagnosable Narcissist. She's gone to a lot of therapy to deal with him and her parents' divorce about 5 years ago.
I just feel like I've created this mess that I'm in, and I don't know how to re-start before it's too late... I do know this, I see tons of other girls all the time and it drives me nuts some times to see them at least superficially looking great. I do worry though that I may be potentially kicking this girl to the curb and finding crap girls forever (sounds kind of dumb now that I type it).
WOW this is a mess lol. OK, flame-suit on. Have at it.
Anyhow...
At the end of the day I feel like I've let myself down, because I haven't had the tenacity to keep striving for what I've really wanted - but that's because I haven't had the understanding or experience to really know what I wanted.
Let me explain my past first. I've been with maybe 20-25 different girls, something like that. I've lost count. I don't remember a lot of these girls' names because they were insignificant, and I don't like that. Thinking back, I feel like most of my successes were fairly easy in terms of proximity to me and what I had to do to actually score. I don't feel like I completely really tackled the fear of rejection. Even now, I still have problems with it, and I know the answer for why and how I can fix the problem... But I digress.
I'm currently with a girl that I like in a lot of ways, and have trouble with in others. She's a "good girl" and I recognize that most guys would be very happy with her. She's really pretty, probably a solid 8 or 9. My family absolutely loves her, and she's shown to be very good with kids. Here's the thing, I'm practically on track to marry her. And I currently live with her.
But I have issues with her... And I feel like my weak past, in terms of women and my general approach toward life, gives me the feeling that I've left a lot to be desired. One issue with is that she is too body-conscious and won't wear short shorts, short skirts, short dresses, etc. because she thinks she's fat. It's not just that though, she'll make comments about how stuff I think is hot is trashy or slutty, and she'll NEVER make a concession. I've bought her stuff I think is hot to wear, and she'll make a regretful face and hate it. It pisses me off. She's made little attempt to make me happy in this regard, and it's depressing. Even little things, like when we're just at home relaxing, she'll wear really ugly sweats instead of some hot shorts or whatever, even knowing how much I like that.
Sex... Well, it's plain. I don't even like having sex with her because she doesn't like to "f*ck" she likes to "make love" which consists of me getting on top and ****ing her and kissing her until she orgasms and then maybe riding me afterward. She'll give me a BJ here and there, but it's not exciting. Even in the beginning it wasn't terribly exciting, and it struck me as odd even then because she's totally into me.
And now I've gone to lengths of sleeping with a couple girls that weren't even all that, girls from my past that were easy lays (different area code chicks). And I've even struck up a convo with another ex who I just thought was great in the sack and dressed hot, but I won't do anything with her because it won't be worth it since she's a BPD heh.
I try to go to the gym often, and I look pretty good right now, but not what I would call my ideal. Money's tight right now, so my clothes are lacking. I need to invest more in that.
Here's the thing, I don't know how to proceed... Do I take the good girl who on MOST levels is great, really sweet, affectionate, etc. But won't be freaky? Won't dress sexy? Etc.?
I feel like I'm getting close to the end because I'm not sure how much longer I can take the boring sex... And I also feel like I still need to develop myself because I'm not happy with my approach anxiety and lack of social support (friends). AND I could probably save more money if she wasn't in my life.
OH YA - I work with her, and we've broken up once in the past for like a week. I feel like I have to admit this crap here so that I can fully come to grips with this situation and not end up in an unhappy marriage with two kids I love but can't be the best dad who loves their mom that I can be.
OH YA - The girlfriend's dad is a complete jerk, so there are daddy issues. I mean those probably play into her body issues since he makes references to her being over weight sometimes which is ridiculous... He's a diagnosable Narcissist. She's gone to a lot of therapy to deal with him and her parents' divorce about 5 years ago.
I just feel like I've created this mess that I'm in, and I don't know how to re-start before it's too late... I do know this, I see tons of other girls all the time and it drives me nuts some times to see them at least superficially looking great. I do worry though that I may be potentially kicking this girl to the curb and finding crap girls forever (sounds kind of dumb now that I type it).
WOW this is a mess lol. OK, flame-suit on. Have at it.
