Hey bro, I'm glad to see you're still kicking despite everything you wrote. Like yourself, I haven't been active on these boards (altho I do read them every now and then)
The unfortunate thing about bad events is that sometimes they can pile up in a short period of time. It's hard enough multi-taking life's tasks when everything is going good, let alone when it's something like you're going through.
The only thing you really can do is focus on each problem at a time, and prioritize them.
first of all:
Just a few years ago I was on top of my game. I was popular, good looking, in good shape, I did some modelling and dated some models. I became successful in my career and met the girl I planned to marry. I guess I reached the point most people here strive for.
You know what man, you've done it once. You can do it again. You know what it took to get there the first time, you remember the formula for success, it's time to go back to the basics.
Like many people, I became a victim of the recession and lost my job as a graphic designer/artist. I took the opportunity to start working for myself and all was great for a few months, then work dried up and it was back to the job hunting. I’ve worked in design most of my life, I have a degree, so it should be easy enough I thought. I was so wrong. Companies I applied to were going under or cutting their budget and wanted a designer who could also do the work of a programmer. I dropped my standards lower and lower, found myself loading lorrys or doing part time packing jobs just to make ends meet.
Listen to me, you didn't drop your standards, you got in touch with your survival instinct and did the right thing any man would do in your position. At the end of the day, you are a product of your time era and enivornment, and right now the environment we live in is not the one we hoped it would be. My friend, there are engineers who leave their countries to come work in Canada / US as pizza delivery guys because of language barriers. You have to keep your head above the water no matter what.
And you know what?
If you haven't realized it yet, you will realize it once you overcome this. Events like this are what makes you the man you're gonna be for the rest of your life. And you are a man. It's in your nature to overcome obstacles, and learn from them, my friend. Being in shape and hooking up with models is a nice status to have, but as you are probably aware, it's not enough. You still haven't reached your peak, but you will after this. Your real value will come when you regain what you have lost, while at the same time developing the mental fortitude to survive bad times like this when they happen again.
Meanwhile, my friend and I were walking home one evening when a group of guys attacked us, demanding our wallets. I fought back and stood my ground, then one of them pulled a knife on me. I sent my friend for help, but none came. The guys beat me and restrained me, while one of them held the knife to my throat and said he was going to stab me to death. Thankfully I was able to kick free and run for it. My friend was talking to the police when I found him (typical UK police didn’t think to come and save me). They took details of what happened but because I couldn’t give them a detailed description of the knife, they said they couldn’t report it.
I came away with only minor physical injuries, but a lot of psychological ones. It’s hard for a grown man like me to admit this, but it has left me scared and bitter. It has made me realise that anyone can get attacked and killed for no reason, and that the police are not there to protect us. Whenever I’m out and I see a group of guys approaching, I start to panic.
I started avoiding going out unless absolutely necessary and spent most of my time indoors working or studying, hoping to improve my career prospects.
For something like this man, I am really not qualified to give you advice. As someone mentioned earlier, this is definetly something I'd seek a professional for, but now is not the time. You have more pressing concerns to focus on (as you're probably aware).
I lost touch with all my friends and when my girlfriend would come over to see me, we’d just stay in and watch films. We planned to move in together last year, but I couldn’t afford it and had to let her down. We were hoping to get married this year, but I couldn’t afford that either. Then out of the blue, she decides she can’t be with me any more. After 5 years together, it’s over, just like that.
At the end of the day bro, you should never distance yourself from REAL friends. I can understand distancing yourself from people you used to go out with and were a part of your old lifestyle. Women come and go, jobs come and go, but true friends will always have your back. But if you haven't already, reconnect with your real bros.
Now, to the relationship. My friend, you dodged a bullet. Earlier I wrote to you how men develop during hard times, and become people they will be for the rest of their lives. Just the same, a real woman supports a man through times like this, and stands by his side. You are LUCKY that this happened now, rather then years down the road when you were married, shared kids and assets with this girl. The first moment of hardship that popped along then, she would have bounced just like she did now. Keep your head up man, this was not the girl that would have stayed by your side thru thick and thin.
It hit me hard, I lost a lot of weight and went from a bodybuilder’s physique to being quite thin and feeble. I’ve tried to remain optimistic, knowing that one day I will meet someone else. I slept with one girl on the rebound and felt awful afterwards. A few weeks ago I went on 2 dates, neither of which wanted to see me again. Then just last week I went on a date with a woman my friend set me up with. An hour into the date she left “to make a call” and never came back. It was so humiliating and hurtful, sitting there on my own. I never thought I’d be “that guy”.
Forget about your bodybuilding days for a sec. Do you remember what you were like before you discovered your first barbell? You did it once man, you can do it again. Unless you were a born a mesomorph, you will relapse every now and then when it comes to physical fitness. But you know the formula. You know how to train, and what to eat. And on top of it, you have all this bad sh!t to motivate you.
5 years and she left you like that? I can't think of a better motivator. Self-improvement is the greatest form of vengeance.
I’ve tried to remain optimistic, knowing that one day I will meet someone else. I slept with one girl on the rebound and felt awful afterwards. A few weeks ago I went on 2 dates, neither of which wanted to see me again. Then just last week I went on a date with a woman my friend set me up with. An hour into the date she left “to make a call” and never came back. It was so humiliating and hurtful, sitting there on my own. I never thought I’d be “that guy”.
A guy gets into a car accident, survives and gets released from a hospital. He can barely walk, but decides to overcome his injury by trying to run. What happens? He falls and injures himself further. It's the same with you.
Listen bro, if this woman leaving you was your only problem, that rebound would have prolly made you feel better. But the truth of the matter is, you took a lot of damage from different sources and now is the time you should be resting and getting your strength back through self-improvement.
I’m getting deeper into debt and it looks like I will have to move in with my parents soon.
Do what needs to be done man. This economic state wont last forever, we will eventually overcome it. Buy yourself time for now.
I have hit rock bottom and I just don’t know how to recover. I try to think positive every day, I spend my free time studying and looking for work, and I’ve started getting back into my gym routine. People keep telling me I need to be happy with myself, but this cannot be fixed by a mere state of mind or some positive affirmations. I’ve done really well coping with my break up and I’m still a fairly confident and charismatic guy.
Thinking positive helps, but it's hard to maintain 24-7. At the end of the day, sometimes you need to think less, and keep it simple. Focus on basic goals (whether financial or fitness), and work at them. Don't try to do too much at once, or bite off more then you can chew. And don't try to run when you should be walking slowly.
One time I was reading this story about how Arnold Schwarzenegger and this other bodybuilder were working out, and the guy said to Arnold "I can't believe we still have 20 sets to go through". And Arnold replied "No, we only have one. The next one". And he went back to his workout.
One day at a time, my friend.
-Mind
