I've lost it all and need help rebuilding my life

[Jariel]

Hi guys, it’s been a long time since I visited this forum, but it’s good to see it’s still going. A few years ago I came here and found many great guys who helped me overcome personal issues, depresssion and helped me develop into a respected, happy and confident man. I guess I’m hoping you can do the same for me again.

Just a few years ago I was on top of my game. I was popular, good looking, in good shape, I did some modelling and dated some models. I became successful in my career and met the girl I planned to marry. I guess I reached the point most people here strive for.

Then last year it all went wrong…

Like many people, I became a victim of the recession and lost my job as a graphic designer/artist. I took the opportunity to start working for myself and all was great for a few months, then work dried up and it was back to the job hunting. I’ve worked in design most of my life, I have a degree, so it should be easy enough I thought. I was so wrong. Companies I applied to were going under or cutting their budget and wanted a designer who could also do the work of a programmer. I dropped my standards lower and lower, found myself loading lorrys or doing part time packing jobs just to make ends meet.

Meanwhile, my friend and I were walking home one evening when a group of guys attacked us, demanding our wallets. I fought back and stood my ground, then one of them pulled a knife on me. I sent my friend for help, but none came. The guys beat me and restrained me, while one of them held the knife to my throat and said he was going to stab me to death. Thankfully I was able to kick free and run for it. My friend was talking to the police when I found him (typical UK police didn’t think to come and save me). They took details of what happened but because I couldn’t give them a detailed description of the knife, they said they couldn’t report it.

I came away with only minor physical injuries, but a lot of psychological ones. It’s hard for a grown man like me to admit this, but it has left me scared and bitter. It has made me realise that anyone can get attacked and killed for no reason, and that the police are not there to protect us. Whenever I’m out and I see a group of guys approaching, I start to panic.

I started avoiding going out unless absolutely necessary and spent most of my time indoors working or studying, hoping to improve my career prospects. I lost touch with all my friends and when my girlfriend would come over to see me, we’d just stay in and watch films. We planned to move in together last year, but I couldn’t afford it and had to let her down. We were hoping to get married this year, but I couldn’t afford that either. Then out of the blue, she decides she can’t be with me any more. After 5 years together, it’s over, just like that.

It hit me hard, I lost a lot of weight and went from a bodybuilder’s physique to being quite thin and feeble. I’ve tried to remain optimistic, knowing that one day I will meet someone else. I slept with one girl on the rebound and felt awful afterwards. A few weeks ago I went on 2 dates, neither of which wanted to see me again. Then just last week I went on a date with a woman my friend set me up with. An hour into the date she left “to make a call” and never came back. It was so humiliating and hurtful, sitting there on my own. I never thought I’d be “that guy”.

Until I find something better, I’m working a packing job for just 16 hours per week. I’m getting deeper into debt and it looks like I will have to move in with my parents soon.

I have hit rock bottom and I just don’t know how to recover. I try to think positive every day, I spend my free time studying and looking for work, and I’ve started getting back into my gym routine. People keep telling me I need to be happy with myself, but this cannot be fixed by a mere state of mind or some positive affirmations. I’ve done really well coping with my break up and I’m still a fairly confident and charismatic guy.

Women and dating can wait, but my life needs rebuilding and I need to find a way out of this rut I’m in. If there’s anything anyone here can offer, any motivation, advice or wisdom, I’m keen to hear it.

Thanks for reading.

 

[logic1]

I see you are from the UK. So, I dont know the logistics and or possibilities of living there.

It sounds like your envoriment is stale. You need something new and fresh to energize you.

Here in the US when peoples lifes go to the bottom they sometimes pack up and locate to a different area. That is if they dont have deep roots.

To me it sounds like you need to start new. This could give you the energy and motivation you are looking for.

Reading your post it comes across to me you are living in a gray overcast area(imagination). You need some sunshine.

 

[Guoy Darko]

What a horrible story. Looks like we’re slaves to the pay check after all. I see you removed your two signature posts. I’ve read them both back in the days and they were very helpful to me. Thanks for that.

I think you know very well how to get to action and take control since you are the writer of those two top articles. Two of the best I’ve read on this forum. Only these days everything looks so ****ty that all hope seems gone.

For the robbery I think it’s best to see a psychologist. It looks like you suffered a trauma since you described how every time you see a group of guys coming you panic. That is NOT a good thing and very serious. I think you should fix that a.s.a.p..

For your girl, work and your dating now: You are not a different guy now than you were a few years ago. You dated models like you described, had a good job etc. You’re still the same guy, only the crappy economy took your job and f*cked up your confidence. I don’t really know how to give advice about your job since I don’t know how it is in your field of business and where to go. But keep on reading your own inspiring posts and those of others. I can post your own posts here, but that would be weird…

BTW. What do you think was the reason your dates didn’t work out? Your confidence, or lack of money or something else?

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

retreat and regroup. Forget girls for six months. Get you finances in order. cut your expenses to the bare minimum, and save as much as you can. read books from the library for entertainment, eat healthy, but cheap, get back in shape.

develop whatever skills you can to make yourself marketable in the job market. Time for a major game change. Figure out what skills that you have/can acquire as quick as possible to get a career back on track.

work backwards, find jobs that are in need, and figure out what skills you need that you could see yourself doing for a living.

stay away from booze, bars, and bad neighborhoods. Small, achievable goals, slow steps. you fell in a hole, you need to climb out little by little. It's the only way. Don't get ahead of yourself.

Suck it up for six months to a year, and you'll be back on top again. You're still young, and you've plenty of time to create and enjoy a good life.

Stay focused.

 

[comic_relief]

retreat and regroup. Forget girls for six months. Get your finances in order. cut your expenses to the bare minimum, and save as much as you can. read books from the library for entertainment, eat healthy, but cheap, get back in shape.

develop whatever skills you can to make yourself marketable in the job market. Time for a major game change. Figure out what skills that you have/can acquire as quick as possible to get a career back on track.

work backwards, find jobs that are in need, and figure out what skills you need that you could see yourself doing for a living.

stay away from booze, bars, and bad neighborhoods. Small, achievable goals, slow steps. you fell in a hole, you need to climb out little by little. It's the only way. Don't get ahead of yourself.

Suck it up for six months to a year, and you'll be back on top again. You're still young, and you've plenty of time to create and enjoy a good life.

Stay focused.

Hey "Dirtheart" (we joined about the same time)

It's been a long time. I remember you when you still went by that user name.

I agree with taiyuu, just try to get your life in order.

Also try a temp agency. They are pretty decent with finding work. I work for a temp agency and get paid $10 per hour for just serving food at hotels.

I believe getting out of the area you are in or just going on a vacation into a national or state park could help re-energize you.

If you were anything like you when you first came in, you can climb back out into the Jariel I know and remember.

best of luck,
comic_relief

 

[RazorAzoth]

Jariel, I always enjoyed readng your threads. Esp the one about motivation which I implentmented into my life and it works great. It sucks to see you in the dumps right now. I made a thread that might help you. You can try it for the mugging and fight you went through and see if it works.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=1671763#post1671763

 

[r0cky]

Its only when one has nothing that he appreciates everything.
i'm interested in the kind of affirmations you tell yourself. Many of us don't know how to use affirmations correctly, therefore they do little to no help.
Basically, you should think and feel as if you already have that which you want. Not simply think about what you want or don't want.
Heres a great post about this very subject
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=170436

 

[Jariel]

Thank you all for the kind responses. I found a lot of reassurance and some great advice here and it's exactly why I returned here.

Here in the US when peoples lifes go to the bottom they sometimes pack up and locate to a different area. That is if they dont have deep roots.

Very good idea and one that I will really consider. Where I live is very dismal and it gets worse every day. I have no ties here now so maybe, as you say, this could be what finally pushes me to make that move and seek a fresh start.

I think you know very well how to get to action and take control since you are the writer of those two top articles. Two of the best I’ve read on this forum. Only these days everything looks so ****ty that all hope seems gone.

You are not a different guy now than you were a few years ago.

Thank you, I think this is something I was losing sight of. I have overcome worse than this before and essentially I have what it takes to do it again. I've been browsing over many tips on this forum including my old posts, and yes, I found them inspiring.

BTW. What do you think was the reason your dates didn’t work out? Your confidence, or lack of money or something else?

It could be a combination of things, but when I take a look at myself I am pretty downtrodden at the moment. Being so thin doesn't suit me as I'm very tall too and I've lost my boldness. I've been called "sweet" and "nice" way too many times lately. The sad thing is, I actually agree with my girlfriend's decision to leave me and I understand why these dates wouldn't want to be with me.

Small, achievable goals, slow steps. you fell in a hole, you need to climb out little by little. It's the only way. Don't get ahead of yourself.

Suck it up for six months to a year, and you'll be back on top again. You're still young, and you've plenty of time to create and enjoy a good life.

Great advice all round and very reassuring to read. I'm doing just what you suggest, but have been expecting too much too soon. You're right, if I can just last this out and keep looking ahead and moving forward, I can overcome this bad patch. Your post really helped me see things in perspective, thanks!

It's been a long time. I remember you when you still went by that user name.

I remember you well my friend! Good to see you're still here. Hope life has been treating you well (better than me lately anyway). Thanks for the reassurance and motivation. I almost forgot about my "Dirtheart" days, but you're right that I can climb back again.

Jariel, I always enjoyed readng your threads. Esp the one about motivation which I implentmented into my life and it works great. It sucks to see you in the dumps right now. I made a thread that might help you. You can try it for the mugging and fight you went through and see if it works.

I'm so glad my posts have been helpful to you! It's been a long time since I last read them and could do with refreshing my memory. Thanks for the link to the post, it looks like it could be really useful to me so will give it a good read soon.


[quote[i'm interested in the kind of affirmations you tell yourself. Many of us don't know how to use affirmations correctly, therefore they do little to no help.[/quote]

I keep telling myself that I will bounce back and this is just a temporary set back. It helps me to stay positive and keep moving forward, and helps me slipping into depression. I know from past experiences and from my time on this forum that once you start feeding the negativity, you start to lose control, so I'm doing everything I can to stay in a good frame of mind.

Basically, you should think and feel as if you already have that which you want. Not simply think about what you want or don't want.
Heres a great post about this very subject

Thanks, I will give this a read. I definitely need to try and find the positives in my situation and see the opportunities, rather than that which I've lost.


Thanks again everyone, I'm already feeling inspired. Time to take control and start moving forward!

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Jariel, to value the light, the dark must exist.

I´ve had ups and dows too, but that´s part of life. I hope you find a way, we have to continue marching on anyway!! REad Interceptor´s posts, they always lift my spirit when I´m feeling down.

 

[Bible_Belt]

It's only failure if you quit. You have a good attitude, and that will save you. Good luck with everything.

 

[fertileTurtle]

Just don't fly any prop-planes into the IRS building. Help is on the way.

 

[CLOONEY]

Hey bud,

One of the few I remember and respected from my days posting (along with Prosemont, Wildfire and MindOverMatter). Good to see you back, though I am sorry about the circumstances which bought you here.

You have to see the positives. Read this book: Change your thinking. It is fantastic and delves into a lot of personal thinking flaws (I never thought I had any, ha ha, but I realised after reading this I had many).

You obviously have anxiety problems now and have to fix these. As for the job, sucking it up and taking a step back is soul destroying, but as the Japanese fellow (think he sounds Japanese) Otoko says, you need to take it slowly, put in the hard yards and have no expectations, take whatever comes and see the positives. Eventually, with the right steps which he already mentioned (though you also have to look into your own psychology deeper, which is why I recommended the book above), you will come out of this situation with even more character.

If worse comes to worse, and you pack up and move from your dismal area of the world, Australia has plenty of jobs still, is bright and sunny and you always have a mate out here, may even be able to set you up with a room in my house.

All the best mate and talk soon.

 

[user43770]

It's good to see some of you guys are still around. It reminds me of my younger years.

Jariel, otoko was right on the money when it comes to getting back on track: sacrifice vices and work hard. Keep your goals in sight and don't relent until you reach them.

I'm sure you already know this, but it never hurts to remind someone - hobbies can be the difference between depression and contentment. Find new things that interest you and master them. The key to happiness is having something to look forward to.

All the best.

 

[Desdinova]

Nice to see you posting again! Life sure gave you a kick in the balls, didn't it?

Right now, don't focus on women. Just masturbate. You need to get the rest of your life fixed up before you can take on extra activities such as seducing women.

I can't remember who it was that told me this, but it really hit home. When you have no job, you should take on job hunting as your full time job.

Also, if your current resume isn't giving you good results, make some adjustments to it. Once you get a resume that's giving you a good amount of interviews, then you can stop tweaking it.

Finally, there's one aspect of job hunting that is the same as number-closing a woman: you're going to get rejected. It's part of the game. Don't take it personally.

Job hunting is a LOT like woman hunting. Once you hit that sweet spot in your formula, it will make the rest of the work easy.

Good luck, and I hope that things start going uphill for you.

 

[Jariel]

What can I say except thank you. It's really good to know there are people here to offer support and inspiration and since reading the responses I've already started to feel more positive and motivated.

Read this book: Change your thinking. It is fantastic and delves into a lot of personal thinking flaws (I never thought I had any, ha ha, but I realised after reading this I had many).

Hey Clooney, good to see you're still here! Is this book the one by Sarah Edelman? Looks like it could be useful. Although I've done well to keep depression at bay, I realise I have become quite cynical and bitter in recent times so a change to my thinking would do me good!

If worse comes to worse, and you pack up and move from your dismal area of the world, Australia has plenty of jobs still, is bright and sunny and you always have a mate out here, may even be able to set you up with a room in my house.

On my way mate!! I have actually considered moving to Australia. If I can get the money together and can get a job there it may be an option for me one day.

I'm sure you already know this, but it never hurts to remind someone - hobbies can be the difference between depression and contentment. Find new things that interest you and master them. The key to happiness is having something to look forward to.

Another familiar name! I totally agree with this. I'm trying to keep myself occupied as much as possible and will take this opportunity (and the free time I now have) to learn new things.

When you have no job, you should take on job hunting as your full time job.

Hey Desdinova, great to see you still here too and your post is solid advice. I admit I've been a bit of a defeatist with all the rejections, but I really need to push myself more and make some changes to how I'm approaching it. Thanks!

 

[Oxide]

"When you think you are going through hell, keep going"

I am doing this now as well.


Clooney, is this the book?

http://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-T...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1267409559&sr=1-1

 

[CLOONEY]

"When you think you are going through hell, keep going"

I am doing this now as well.


Clooney, is this the book?

http://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-T...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1267409559&sr=1-1

That's the one Oxide.

I had my own battles through hell only several months ago. A few people close to me died, my job is stressful and as it's my own business, income dried up for a while after the crisis and many of my close friends I worked with lost their jobs. Then I had health problems. This book helped me a lot as long as staying active wit boxing.

 

[6-heads lewis]

Glad to hear you're donig better Clooney.

Jariel, that sound rough, sorry to hear that. The silver lining is that your parents are stable enough to accept you back in, you have a place to regroup. I haven't read the thread fully, hopefully someone said that it's worthwhile to take time off to look for jobs full time, visit free job counseling, update your resume and cover letter, network, find options, etc. rather than accept a survival job.

Im somewhat of a conspiracy guy and think this recession was created, but all we can do as the masses is pool together. I'm about to graduate with a degree and prospects are very slim, plus my parents are broke and unemployed, so I have no place to retreat to.

Im sorry to hear about you being attacked, that fukn sucks when poverty strikes, the poor steal from the poor, the rich sleep easy. Very tragic.

Good luck bro.

 

[Lion]

As other contributors have recommended books, I'll second that reading some good books before you sleep every night will help. Rich Dad Poor Dad is another inspiring read. Don't beat yourself up about the packing job, things will get better if you have anything to do with it.
Try learning something new like sport or music, something you can perform infront of other people to gain confidence.

 

[comic_relief]

Also an idea for reads is anything by Tony Robbins or Mark Victor Hansen or Jack Canfield are usually always good.

- comic_relief