I've got mommy issues and want to finally fix myself

[The Accountant]

I've gone my entire life without a real mother figure. My dad knows this, and has done his best throughout the years but I'm afraid he couldn't truly solve it. I don't really know what effect this has had on me, but I'll try to describe it the best I can.

I have always struggled with women. I suppose you could say I've never been loved by a woman excluding my grandmother. And it's a hole I've always felt. I think my journey following SS and the ways of the DJ have all been with the wrong motivation. To find a replacement for the motherly figure I've never had. Anytime I've got a plate, I eventually emotionally cave and become attached. Like a baby boy to his mother. And I know that I've screwed myself once I get to that place, so I drop them.

Spinning plates doesn't satisfy me since I have a deep desire for love. And yet when I get close to it, my insecurity created by this hole takes over and I ruin it.

I am confident, have good inner game (besides this part), I have money, I would describe myself as "smooth", and have girls interested in me. But my so called "mommy issues" keep me from wanting simple fun or being able to handle anything serious.

For example: have had this girl show me huge interest for a few months, but she was taken so I NEXTd because I knew the person. They recently broke up, and she's primed for rebound sex. Has hinted at it everyday since and somewhat before their relationship ended. It would be easy for me to have some fun with a girl I think is hot, but I can't bring myself to do so. The need I feel for love keeps me from it. I know that I will not be able to handle it.

So what do I do? How do I get over this? Some of my friends have advised me to fvck a ton of b1tches and enjoy myself. But truly I don't know what to do. This is the big thing holding me back from a great time with women, and really enjoying the rest of the great life I've built so far.

 

[Murk]

Therapy/counselling.

As someone who lost their mother from cancer 2 years ago nearly to the day, I can't recommend it enough. I also have a craving for that unconditional love and make a conscious effort to embrace love from women and not crave or depend on it. Nothing will replace that, you have to move past it.

 

[Macaframalama]

Man up. I know that sounds insensitive, but it's the truth. You are aware of it and your thoughts and actions are your responsibility and you have to gain power over them. Power over your circumstances. I justified my self-destructive behavior well up in my mid-twenties using my childhood as an excuse. It's a waste of time. Refuse to allow it to take up any mental space. Don't suppress it. Feel the fvcking feeling, cry, do what you need to do, then banish it from your thoughts and reaffirm yourself, that your actions are no longer dictated by these emotions.

 

[AJ84]

Therapy/counselling.

As someone who lost their mother from cancer 2 years ago nearly to the day, I can't recommend it enough. I also have a craving for that unconditional love and make a conscious effort to embrace love from women and not crave or depend on it. Nothing will replace that, you have to move past it.

Embracing love, not craving or depending on it. That's really wise advice for men and women.

 

[Roober]

You don't have mommy issues, you have issues with getting your emotional needs met.

First, you need to find the triggers when you feel this way.

Lots of men have this same issue, but you are light years ahead of them since you have acknowledged it and will aim to fix it.

 

[Milano]

I also have mommy issues. There is no substitute for a mothers love, only learning to love yourself. I had an overprotective motherfigure, and when she died of cancer I also looked for it in girls, with devastating consequences ofc. You have to force your brain to understand that it was a drug you no longer have access to, and man up. A man is supposed to have control of his own emotions, easier said than done ofc, but remember the ideal anyway.

 

[Murk]

Yes love yourself and become your own strength, really the only way to deal with it. You will have children depending on you one day so must be a strong as possible.

 

[Spaz]

You don't have mommy issues, you have issues with getting your emotional needs met.

First, you need to find the triggers when you feel this way.

Lots of men have this same issue, but you are light years ahead of them since you have acknowledged it and will aim to fix it.

Agree with this.

 

[Roober]

I don't mind sharing a bit on this topic because I have isolated some of my moments of poor behavior around these issues. I go therapy every two weeks, giving me a platform to find myself. The amount of self-realization that is capable with a good counselor is astounding.

A little history: I was raised mostly by my dad. The few times (6th grade and 10th grade) I lived with my mom, I never felt like a priority. For example, I played football in 10th grade while living with my mom. My dad attended more games than my mom, but he lived 700 miles away! He would fly in to see me, while my mom who was 20 minutes away wouldn't come.

So, try to determine when your emotional needs are not getting met?

1. Do you feel low priority? There could be times while growing up where you felt insignificant, so any woman that gives you this feeling would trigger the same feelings or reaction. This could come in a variety of ways such as her not complying with your plans, a little bit of "distance", or not responding to texts. It begins with angst, then anger, then often comes the "well, fvck you then"

2. Are you not getting your way? Maybe while growing up, you really want to go to disneyland, or you really wanted your dad to take you to work, or you wanted mom to smother you with hugs and kisses. But, it never came. When a woman does something that is contrary to your wants (or needs), you get upset and think "why not?" You know what you want and expect another free-willed human being to comply... all the time. Is that reasonable?

3. Not feeling loved, supported, or validated? Latch key kids myself tend to struggle from this. Their accomplishments, successes, and lessons often go both unnoticed by the people they value most (their parents) and without recognition. This is no different than the workplace, where something as simple as employee recognition is one of the highest determining factors for employee retention; not pay, benefits, or many of the other reasons. I believe pay is actually #5 or so.

So what to do... recognize the triggers that cause you to feel distressed. Think to yourself... "why am I feeling this way?" You may not be able to identify it right away, as it may take some thought. But just take some time to think, think, think. Wait to respond to your text, or conversation until you have it sorted out. If the situation is in front of you, you may need to take a timeout. Go to the bathroom, take a walk, change the topic while you process. Often times, I will joke about something else completely off topic while I try to process.

Almost all of these triggers have some tie to each individuals upbringing, which is why everyone is so different. This is also why you cannot apply blanket statements to groups of people based on singular behaviors, actions, or words (or texts) they say. Spinning plates is great, but it is a distraction. It doesn't fix the true root of the problem. It doesn't let you find the person you need to be. It doesn't allow for you to be the best man, which will have far more success spinning plates.

Now, I don't care for what some say, but we are fvcking human and expected to "feel" things; it is unavoidable. Every man on here feels something at some point, regardless of the facade they present on a message board. Often times, they use the "next" technique as a way to not deal with issues they may have. While sometimes it is completely warranted, often times it may offer a lesson to that individual, but they refuse to acknowledge or recognize it. To grow and improve ourselves, we have to recognize opportunities to learn. We have to log it, write it down, or remember how to better handle poor situations. We will be that much better equipped to handle similar situations, which may result in a completely different outcome than the first time it was presented.

And that is where we grow and evolve past our "mommy issues"

 

[Masculinity]

I've gone my entire life without a real mother figure. My dad knows this, and has done his best throughout the years but I'm afraid he couldn't truly solve it. I don't really know what effect this has had on me, but I'll try to describe it the best I can.

I have always struggled with women. I suppose you could say I've never been loved by a woman excluding my grandmother. And it's a hole I've always felt. I think my journey following SS and the ways of the DJ have all been with the wrong motivation. To find a replacement for the motherly figure I've never had. Anytime I've got a plate, I eventually emotionally cave and become attached. Like a baby boy to his mother. And I know that I've screwed myself once I get to that place, so I drop them.

Spinning plates doesn't satisfy me since I have a deep desire for love. And yet when I get close to it, my insecurity created by this hole takes over and I ruin it.

I am confident, have good inner game (besides this part), I have money, I would describe myself as "smooth", and have girls interested in me. But my so called "mommy issues" keep me from wanting simple fun or being able to handle anything serious.

For example: have had this girl show me huge interest for a few months, but she was taken so I NEXTd because I knew the person. They recently broke up, and she's primed for rebound sex. Has hinted at it everyday since and somewhat before their relationship ended. It would be easy for me to have some fun with a girl I think is hot, but I can't bring myself to do so. The need I feel for love keeps me from it. I know that I will not be able to handle it.

So what do I do? How do I get over this? Some of my friends have advised me to fvck a ton of b1tches and enjoy myself. But truly I don't know what to do. This is the big thing holding me back from a great time with women, and really enjoying the rest of the great life I've built so far.

Takes a lot of courage to talk about these challenges of yours openly. Props for taking steps to solve them.

 

[Spaz]

Man up. I know that sounds insensitive, but it's the truth. You are aware of it and your thoughts and actions are your responsibility and you have to gain power over them. Power over your circumstances. I justified my self-destructive behavior well up in my mid-twenties using my childhood as an excuse. It's a waste of time. Refuse to allow it to take up any mental space. Don't suppress it. Feel the fvcking feeling, cry, do what you need to do, then banish it from your thoughts and reaffirm yourself, that your actions are no longer dictated by these emotions.

I believe @Macaframalama has it right here.

All man goes through some forms of emotional trauma. It could be an absent mother, death of child, or something momentous.

The details doesn't really matter, the resulting trauma does. It eats you up from the inside - that matters.

How do you cope with it?

Man up. Easier said than done correct? No. It can be done and as we discuss it here it is being done by countless other man going through it.

Some man goes home 2 his wife and let her be his emotional sponge, he talks abt it and she listens, tells him it's fine and tomorrow he wakes up all fresh.

Other man would go somewhere(room, secluded hill, beach, island) where there r no one to observe him, cries or screams at all the injustice, he let's it all out. And tomorrow he wakes up fresher.

The key is letting it out, and then reaffirming yourself as a man.

And a man needs to get a grip on their emotions. We can't escape emotions BUT we must learn to suppress it, that's the mark of being manly.

 

[GoodOne123]

This interesting for me to hear. I have had a relatively absent father figure in my childhood, yet the symptoms you are describing closely resemble mine too. Looks like absence from either parent can cause similar problems.

Man, so many things can screw up a child. I try not to be bitter personally, it solves nothing. All I can say that despite the fact that we weren't responsible for our circumstances, we are however responsible for fixing ourselves.

I was raised in a household with constant arguing and no-love between my parents. This caused me to not know how a healthy relationship should be.

My father never really bonded with me and I didn't see him much, pretty much till the day he passed away. This made me not know how to be masculine.

But despite this I'm fixing myself. I read articles, do research on the topics and put things into practice. I go to the gym, form friendships with other strong men, and make sure I go out regularly to talk to girls. And I am improving myself slowly but surely.

Do what you have to do man, you can only get better.