It's like there's just no hope for me man

[One Day]

I mean it, that's just how I feel right now. Please hear me out, cos the only way you'll understand me is if I explain.

I haven't been with even one girl all my life, for the past four years I finally accepted that I was scared of approaching girls and with the help of a few cousins I tried to get over it.
Putting myself in clubs, and places where girls were easy to find.
I watched, studied how my cousins did it, I asked all the questions, psyked myself up as much as I could before going, and after all that, EVERY SINGLE TIME I go to these places I freeze, the whole time goes by and I don't make one approach.

I come home so pissed, swearing to myself that the next time this happens I'm going to do it differently, I go again and again and again.... Nothing has changed.

I've read most of the advice written in the Don Juan book, my cousins have told me stories of how they knew a few people who couldn't approach girls, until they got so pissed that they no longer cared, and that's how they got out of it, well that hasn't happened to me.
Many times I told my cousins my frustration and they gave me advice, but after awhile I noticed they got bored of telling me the same thing. I noticed my frustration spoiled their good vibe, so now I usually keep it bottled inside.

As I'm writing this, I feel my fear is much STRONGER than most peoples. Seriously I'm not a bad looking guy, girls that watch me or show signs of interest in me... I'm afraid to talk to them. Girls that I don't even find attractive, whenever I'm asked to approach them by my friends or cousins, I can't do it.

Now I'm 24, and the people I know who can talk to girls easily learnt this when they were 14.
I've just come back from a club and the same thing happened. My friends, they so know what to do and are so good at it, but I just don't know what to do, and the few times I've tried to copy their style it HASN'T WORKED.

I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not meant to be with girls, and that scares me cos I really want to. My university is full of girls, yet I can't talk to any of them unless it's just casual friendship talk. Every time I see a pretty girl my fear stresses me, after all these years, if I still haven't broke out of it yet then...... I don't know what I'm trying to say I'm just angry right now, just thought I'll be honest, damn.

Guess I'm hoping maybe someone can help me but.....

 

[Ridingthelightning]

No offense, but quitcherbithcin'

 

[Avatar]

Do this little exercise for me. Take out a sheet of paper and begin writing.

1) Write down what your goal is here. It sounds like your goal is to be able to approach many many women at a bar. WRITE IT DOWN. Have intense burning desire to achieve this goal.


2) Write down all the reasons why you want to be able to approach all this women (why you want to achieve this goal). Make a long list of physical and emotional reasons.


3) Get disturbed. Serious. Get REAL upset and disturbed. Write out all the reasons you get upset after you don't approach a girl. Be totally honest and truthful. These reasons MUSt upset and disturb you.


4) Write down the worst thing that will happen if you approach a girl.


5) Keep this piece of paper in your pocket. Review it privately before going to a bar and review it in a stall off and on through the night right before making an approach.


6) Now when first starting out try this - start walking around the bar and say "hello ladies" to all the girls you can (ugly and cute). The key here to be walking by so you aren't committed to make the approach yet. But guess what. The ones that like you, will remember you. You've planted the seed. It becomes easier now later in the night to make an approach.


This is my first serious post on this forum in helping some of you guys through proven emotional exercises. I may write more posts like this in the future.

You may not have the drive to do the 6 steps I wrote. The fact of the matter is I find under 5% of the population have the drive to succeed at any areas of their lives.

However if you do it, you will likely succeed with women. If you don't, then yes, you don't have enough drive to get the women you deserve. But yes, you do deserve them. Learn to have your cake and eat it to.

 

[penkitten]

its now or never .

be mr incredible and go out there and start talking.
what is the worst that can happen ?

 

[flexion_]

I see no problem here other than low self-esteem.

You need to work on that...

Can you go to a store and talk to the female cashier on checkout? Can you talk on the phone with a female as part of your job?

 

[nonstop]

I did your steps Avatar just for fun.

do you have any other fears? scared of heights? spiders? anything like that, if so start working on them, if you can combat one fear you will have the skills and the confidence to combat another. Your mind learns and adapts and this will give you confidence.

Avatar is right, think of bad bad things about approaching a girl, the worst possible of all the reasons why not, make them the most painful to think about, the most ugly reasons x100.

Then think of all the good reasons why you should approach a girl, make them the most beautiful, the best, the most awesome reasons ever.

your mind is designed to avoid pain and pursue pleasure, start associating pain with NOT talking to a girl and pleasure WITH talking to a girl.

at the moment your mind is working the other way around.

CHANGE IT! change your thinking and set your mind free from it's habits. Talking to girls is GOOD not talking to girls is BAD! keep thinking like that.

as an exercise I suggest taking one of your everyday ordinary thoughts and turning it on its head, start challenging your thoughts and start thinking differently this will help you re-wire your brain and change your way of thinking.

think of your mind as a jukebox,

press 134 and you get track 1,
press 134 and you get track 1,

your job is it re-program your jukebox mind. you can do it.

once you've changed your thinking once you can do it again and again in other areas of your life, soon anything will be possible!
you'll be unstoppable and your life will change forever.

don't let your mind control you. you control your mind!

 

[MetalFortress]

"As I'm writing this, I feel my fear is much STRONGER than most peoples. Seriously I'm not a bad looking guy, girls that watch me or show signs of interest in me... I'm afraid to talk to them. Girls that I don't even find attractive, whenever I'm asked to approach them by my friends or cousins, I can't do it."

umm, NO. The reason you are afraid to talk to them is you won't force yourself to take that first step. You are concerned what they will think. The worst you will get is "no", so force yourself to do it! It will be hard at first, but it will get easier.

 

[Double]

your biggest problem isnt what you think - it is your self image. your fear of doing an approach and proving wrong all you know about yourself for your entire life is a _LITTLE_ bit bigger then fear of rejection or anything. and just think of you pulling a successful approach - your entire internal world will collapse. do the 6steps of avatar and know what your biggest fear is.......acknowledging is the first step in overcomming.

 

[CLOONEY]

Tell yourself, your the man, grab your ballz and do it! Nobody can help you here kid, you gotta get out into that big wide world. Will you be rejected? Sure, but so will your cousins. Trust me! I hang around with some of the biggest pimps I have ever met in all my travels of the world, and EVERY SINGLE ONE GETS REJECTED! Until you accept this, you will not get over your fear! Now grab your ballz, and next time you see a girl looking at you, smile at her, look away, look back at her and once you catch her checking you out again, go say "hi", "im andrew", "whats your name". Its pretty basic, try it out sometime!

 

[One Day]

Thanx to all you who have replied so far man, especially to you Avatar and nonstop for the really detailed reply. I'm gonna try my hardest to really listen to you guys, Avatar I think I do have the drive for getting girls, I've already done the first 4 steps of your advice (reliving those feelings wasn't nice either).
Step 5 and 6 sound good but most of all, they sound achievable.
I'm gonna take that piece of paper with me when next I go to a club or whatever (hopefully it will be soon).

Nonstop, yeah I guess my mind is like a jukebox, just so damn hard to change that same track you know.
I used to be scared of swimming for years, but within one week I REALLY got over it, thanx to an intense holiday with my friends.
I was so pissed that everyone was having fun, even little kids and yet I struggled to put my nose in the water. I just couldn't take it anymore I lost it.

It was f**king hard, but I i did EVERYTHING my friends asked me to, on the last day I MYSELF asked for a short lesson on how to go underwater. My greatest fear, but I knew if I didn't finish off what I had started, I would soon go back to my old self.
I did it, I really did it. My friends and the people that noticed were even cheering, the week I got back from the holiday I continued, now swimming is my most "favourite" sport ever, no joke.

I guess dealing with girls is a little different though.
Anyways hope you guys don't mind, but I'm gonna report back exactly what happens when I go to the club. I like to think the next time I go it will be different, but like all the other times, the true test only comes when you're actually there. If anything it might help me, knowing you guys are waiting to hear what happened.

"Can you go to a store and talk to the female cashier on checkout? Can you talk on the phone with a female as part of your job?"

Yeah I can see myself having some troubles with even this, I'll try to work on this also, I'll post what happens here.


MetalFortress, yeah I do need to force myself to do it, I'll try.

Double, I think you're right about the self image thing, I can really imagine my internal world collapsing if I did get it right. I think it's both my thoughts and my self image.

Clooney, yeah that is so f**king true, cos they do get rejected sometimes, what you just said sounds almost exactly like what one of my cousins would say, thanx man.

 

[DJStudent]

Hey man, really go at your own pace. But make sure you're making some progress.

I use to be like you, going through all of those emotions. But I think you will come to the realization soon. Just put faith in this place where most of the guys genuinely care about your welfare. To be honest you don't find too many straight male support group.

 

[nonstop]

when you next goto the club and are about to approach remember your swimming lessons, especially the cheering at the end, then imagine your cousins cheering for you when you walk back to them and how happy they will be for you, make sure you really really think hard about it and feel it! so much so you can hear them cheering in your head and remember that feeling of when you came out the water. You'll be fine.

you can do it! make sure you report back!

some people have to pay to get an Adrenalin rush like this!

 

[RAFCbearfilm]

I agree with all the repsonses here, but I would not take your piece of paper with you to the club. I would wear a rubber band on your wrist when you go out and snap it HARD every time you see a girl and not talk to her. Snap the band EVERY time a woman smiles at you, whether they are a 1-10 and you do not even say hi. Snap it every time you look at a girl and say "nahhh." Physical pain is more real than mental pain, and just wait till your confidence grows and you can contribute to the "most obvious line" missed posts those experiences will really make you laugh at the way you used to be.
A guy like you needs to talk to every girl that he can so you can increase your self-esteem. Flirt, and learn to flirt with everyone (read: practice) so that when it comes to women you are interested in, it comes much more naturally.

 

[Etienne]

By the way, human beings need an overwhelming amount of information to change.

In other words, psyching yourself up won't do it.

Modifying your self-image is a tremendous task, a very very hard one. You will need to act in a way that is a different that you are now for an extended period of time until these new behaviours become habits.

Good luck.

Étienne

 

[Double]

i would advice you to bulk up, change in selfimage is easier along with change in bodyshape/appearance.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

What is a REALLY bad thing that can possibly happen to you in your life? You could get hit and killed by a drunk driver while innocently crossing the road. Do you fear crossing the road?

What is the worst thing that could happen when approaching a girl? She says "no"? Read my first paragraph and compare the two. Now put things into perspective.

We fear what we don't know. You don't approach girls and don't really know much about rejection. Believe me, once you get over that initial rejection, there is no stopping you. You'll only get more comfortable with rejection and become more confident approaching women. You approach more girls and eventually find the one you really want.......but you have to take that initial approach first.


Maybe you haven't approached girls, but have you ever had to do speeches in class for school (i.e. elementary, high school, college/university)? I have made quite a few speeches. Before the initial speech, I would be so nervous and scared. Then when I actually got up there, made my speech and finished, I thought about all the things I could have done better. I actually wanted to go up there and do it again. The fear was completely gone. It's the same thing with first approaching women.

 

[Reed247]

Shyness

Listen man, You need to get your ass out, even if it's by yourself. Don't go out with your friends go out by yourself. I used to be shy and it got me nothing but rejection. This is what I did, I picked up a beautiful babe BY MYSELF at a bar. I acted like a total prick and didn't let her know I was pissed off at women I just did it through my actions. I had this mentality that girls will have sex with so many guys, why not me. So I started in touching her, kissing her, while thinking in my mind "this little *****". This girl ended up being my first lay, and my personal sex toy for 6 months. Out of looks I would give her a 9.5.
So go out alone so you dont get intimidated by your boys success, have a drink to chill out a bit, sit at the bar, NEVER HESITATE, notice the girl and if she is alone or with 1 female friend talk to her. DO NOT talk to a girl if she is with 3 girls, she will just show off. Remember that many girls just go out for the attention not to get laid like us. You have to have a gambling mentality with girls.

 

[One Day]

Man, you guys really understand my situation, thanx for the replies. I promise I'll report back what happens.

Yeah I will try, I know the nerves will be there, but I'll try.
Yeah changing my self-image probably will be harder than I would like, but f**k it I came here posting for a reason man.

I've always thought going to a club by myself is a bit "obvious".
Like everyone's there with their friends and I'm on my own and nervous.
When that time comes when people are enjoying being around their friends, I'm all solo.

Who knows, maybe me thinking that is part of the problem.
On the flipside though, when I am with my friends I don't position myself to talking to girls until they are ready to do it, but then their confidence overwhelmes me.

But anyways regardless these are just excuses, next time I go I'm gonna try to listen to you guys and actually really try to do something different.

 

[Q-Pid]

Dude i used to be 100% like you, could never aproach girls in clubs, felt a weird feeling in my stomach when I even CONSIDERED walking up to them, had to control my breathing and walking manually - it was almost like i'd trained myself to be bad with women.

Then i read this:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=20096&perpage=20&pagenumber=1

I can't stress how important this message is. Granted the thread is full of expletives but the message comes accross very well. READ IT