Listen, it's these thoughts that come up in my head out of the blue, listen to these thoughts:
"No woman will ever want you. You are not a gangsta, you don't sell drugs, you are not a thug. All women REALLY want thugs, even if a woman is WITH YOU she still DOESN'T LIKE you because you are NOT A THUG. If a woman is with you she will leave you once the THUGS come around."
"You will never actually succeed in business like you really want to, so why are you continuing to try? Everytime you get things going right, some NEW thing pops up. Why do you keep trying?"
"You will never get your body to where you want it to be, why do you keep on trying? Do you think you will EVER be successful at anything?"
"Your degree sucks. You take classes online, you don't have a real degree. You are not really in college."
Guys, I don't have any friends. No close friends.
And, I think I posted this before but I'm not some corky looking guy. Most people say I'm very cool. But what I do find ALOT of times is that I CHOOSE to be alone.
Despite the fact that I do have things to do that means I have to seperate myself from the world, sometimes I CHOOSE to be alone because I literally have thoughts and beliefs that people are just going to start talking about me, laughing at me, and jumping on me for no reason.
See, this is what happened to me during middle school and high school. Every single day, the ENTIRE school would jump on me. And I'm not talking about regular bullying, you don't understand. I was beaten physically, mentally, emotionally, pyschologically.
And today, even though I'm a "cool guy," I still have this phobia about being around people. That just out of the blue, they will start beating on me. All of them.
My mother would say when I would tell her about my situations at school, "Urghh. All of the other kids can go to school and be just fine!! Why do YOU have to have these problems?"
This is coming from a person that used to SPOIL me when I was little. I said I wanted this, she brought it. When I got to Middle Schoool, she changed.
From a combination of the people at the school and what people CLOSE to me would do, I still to this DAY have not gotten over it.
I barely call my family AT ALL. My mother would call me and leave messages like, "So why don't you call us anymore haha?" She wants to spend the day talking to me on the phone, she wants to talk about this and that and update me on what the FAMILY has going on. But she NEVER wanted to talk to me when I was in her house for over 20 years.
Then what pisses me off is she asks for an update on what I'm doing. I tell her I'm finishing my schooling, working out, and working in my business and she always has some little snide remark to make.
"School? What school? You go to school?" As if the **** I haven't loved school since I was little.
"Job? What job? Oh you mean that Telemarketing crap you do?" I mind you, my business is not telemarketing at ALL.
"Work out? Oh you still go up there to that old tired down gym. Oh...fine."
I hate to call her because she makes me sooo angry. Everytime I would get angry and cuss her out I would always go and apologize even though I did nothing wrong.
And I never really had a relationship with my father. He paid child support, but never spent time with me.
Who am I supposed to be?
I'm supposed to be crazy. I'm supposed to be in jail for being crazy and just going nuts. I'm supposed to be a loser.
My fear is that when I go into these emotional outbursts, that I will do something crazy one day and actually HURT somebody and the DREAMS of all these people that have sought to bring me down over the years will FINALLY come true. They will all sit back and say, "I told you he was a loser."
At the base of these outbursts, is that I actually believe the thoughts. I mean, alot of women DO like thugs. I HAVE made many mistakes in my business. My degree is from an ONLINE institution even though it's accredited, etc.
I just don't know, again, my fear is that I will have an outburst one day and hurt somebody or hurt myself.
